#73
Nam Seonwoo bit his trembling lips. The trembling spread from between his teeth to his shoulders. It wasn’t fear or anything like that.
This was anger. He was angry at Kang Jihan for acting so stupidly. And the reason he was behaving so crudely was just…
“Don’t go.”
It was just for that, and it made him unbearably angry.
Nam Seonwoo gritted his teeth and asked, “What are you really doing?”
“Me?”
As if to say ‘Isn’t it obvious?’, Kang Jihan tilted his head.
“I’m begging. Begging you to talk to me.”
“…”
It felt like déjà vu. It was as if the scene of Kang Jihan holding him back from going home and waiting in the classroom until cleaning was finished was being reenacted before his eyes.
“So what do you want to say? Are you going to talk about being lovers and all that finished business again?”
“It’s okay to cheat a little.”
“I think you’re misunderstanding something. We broke up.”
“I didn’t break up.”
‘I can’t break up.’
He was stubbornly holding on, just like two years ago. A surge of frustration welled up.
“Hey. Don’t you think it’s disgusting? When one person says it’s over, it’s over. Just accept it. I broke up with you.”
“I know.”
Kang Jihan took a step closer.
“That’s why I said, I didn’t break up.”
“What…”
“I don’t care who you meet. Do as you please. After all, as you said, you’ll eventually break up with that person.”
Kang Jihan was throwing back the words Nam Seonwoo had used when rejecting him, saying that relationships have endings. But at the same time, Kang Jihan seemed to be saying:
“Then meet me again.”
That he was the exception. He still stubbornly believed that this ending didn’t apply to him.
“You can do it as many times as you want. But I will never break up with you.”
This was the truth Nam Seonwoo didn’t want to face. The simple fact that Kang Jihan still liked Nam Seonwoo stared him in the face, as if telling him to stop avoiding it.
At that moment, Nam Seonwoo realized that when anger rises too much, it can bring tears. One year. It might be considered short, but it was the year he turned twenty. He wanted to ask why Kang Jihan, who should have been stepping into the wider world after leaving the narrow world of high school at twenty, living a normal college life, was still acting like this.
Even if it was different for himself, for Kang Jihan it had only been a few months. No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t understand why Kang Jihan was so hung up on such a brief relationship.
Sensing danger from Kang Jihan’s direct approach again, Nam Seonwoo realized that if things continued like this, he would once again find himself swayed by Kang Jihan. Because he too hadn’t forgotten the time from two years ago.
No matter how much he pushed him away, Kang Jihan kept coming closer. There was only one option left.
“I lied.”
Nam Seonwoo confessed straightforwardly, feigning an indifferent voice.
“I don’t have a lover. I don’t plan on having one either.”
This wasn’t a lie. He had already guessed that he probably wouldn’t be able to date until he died at thirty-four. There was no point in meeting anyone when he knew Kang Jihan would always come to mind. If he was going to die anyway, it was cleaner to just enjoy life alone to the fullest.
“But I do have someone I meet regularly.”
“…”
“You’re old enough now, you know what I mean, right?”
People tend to become obsessed with things they can’t have. The reason Kang Jihan was acting like this over a relationship of just a few months was probably along those lines.
The more unattainable something is, the more obsession grows like a wildfire. So avoiding and pushing Kang Jihan away was counterproductive. Instead, he needed to show him the ugly truth and shatter his illusions.
He needed to show Kang Jihan that Nam Seonwoo wasn’t some beautiful memory-based fantasy, but just an ordinary person. To make him realize that the person he was so desperate to have wasn’t anything special, so that even his existing feelings would fade. After all, Kang Jihan used to avoid associating with people like this who were loose with their lower halves.
“So it’s pointless. I have no intention of seriously dating anyone, and I’m not going to play that childish game with you again.”
As expected, Kang Jihan seemed shocked. After swallowing his words for a while, he asked a foolish question after a long pause.
“Then why did you kiss me?”
He seemed to be referring to the night when they were drunk. As expected, Kang Jihan was still attaching meaning to that night. Even now.
“What did you hear? I told you, I can sleep with someone even without feelings.”
Even though he couldn’t read his expression, somehow Nam Seonwoo felt like he could see Kang Jihan’s face. He must be hurt. But that was the intention behind the harsh words. This was a hundred times better than leaving Kang Jihan to experience another loss of someone close to him.
“So stop bringing up the past and being a nuisance. Live your own life.”
He said this and turned around, but Kang Jihan was persistent.
“Don’t do this.”
He thought he heard something like ‘You’ll get hurt’, but Nam Seonwoo ignored it and walked on. Just as he stepped out of the darkness into the light of the store, a lower voice stopped him once again.
“If that’s the case, just do it with me.”
Nam Seonwoo swallowed a bitter laugh. Really, Kang Jihan’s stubbornness was something to behold.
Right now, he didn’t believe it. He clearly thought that Nam Seonwoo couldn’t be like that. Come to think of it, it was the same when they broke up. Didn’t he say something like ‘You’re not that kind of person’? It seemed that his belief in Nam Seonwoo’s character was deeply rooted.
“Did you enjoy it the first time?”
In the light where his expression was clearly visible, Nam Seonwoo turned around as if to show off. From Kang Jihan’s view, his sardonic smile would be clearly visible. Raising the corners of his mouth even more, Nam Seonwoo sneered.
“You should have just said it, that you want to have sex. Without adding unnecessary words.”
But for some reason, he felt as if he could see Kang Jihan’s expression in the darkness more vividly. That was also why the area around his solar plexus was stinging.
“If you say it like that.”
Kang Jihan slowly walked out of the darkness.
“Did you think I would refuse?”
“…”
“Come on, let’s.”
And gripping Nam Seonwoo’s shoulder tightly, he said,
“Have sex.”
Like that day in front of the rain-soaked campus when Nam Seonwoo had punched Kang Jihan, their gazes fiercely locked onto each other.
“Alright then.”
Nam Seonwoo was the one who ended the standoff.
“How? Should we do it here?”
At these provocative words, Kang Jihan gritted his teeth. He silently shook his head. Even while making an expression as if he didn’t want to do such a thing, Kang Jihan didn’t loosen his grip on Nam Seonwoo’s shoulder as he dragged him along.
* * *
Unlike the rough force used to drag him to the bed, Kang Jihan moved very carefully. He was so careful that it seemed like it would take a full hour just to undress, so eventually Nam Seonwoo took off his sweatshirt himself and threw it aside.
Although it wasn’t their first time, Nam Seonwoo didn’t understand why he was acting like this, but he didn’t voice his questions. The moment he opened his mouth, he felt like his wildly pounding heart might jump out.
It couldn’t be helped. After all, it was the first time while sober. Of course, this only applied to ‘this body’.
Kang Jihan cupped his cheek with one hand. As his face gradually lowered, Nam Seonwoo turned his head and said,
“Don’t do that.”
It might sound ridiculous at this point, but he wanted to draw a clear line at kissing. It was a signal of sorts. A signal that they were only mixing bodies, not hearts.
This message was for Kang Jihan, but also a warning to Nam Seonwoo himself. It was a speed bump to prevent the unfortunate event of clinging to Kang Jihan, reminding him of that night when they had sex without kissing.
Kang Jihan, who had been silent, slightly tilted his head and lowered his lips to Nam Seonwoo’s cheek. As Nam Seonwoo’s shoulders hunched at the ticklish sensation, the hand cupping his cheek moved down to his nape. He was anxious that his pulse might be felt.
Something hotter and softer than a palm moved downward, as if stamping. The lips that had reached his collarbone after passing his neckline parted slightly, and the skin was sucked in between them. His breath stopped involuntarily at the occasional feel of sharp teeth and soft flesh.
Only after the lips that had been nibbling on his collarbone detached with a ‘chu’ sound did Nam Seonwoo release the breath he had been holding. But the moment of allowed breathing was brief. Soon, as a moist sensation covered his chest, Nam Seonwoo bit his lip tightly to prevent a moan from escaping.
Unlike Nam Seonwoo, who had his eyes tightly shut, Kang Jihan stared intently at the pink flesh blooming on the pale skin. It felt just like kissing. As if to substitute for the kiss Nam Seonwoo hadn’t allowed, Kang Jihan sucked hard on the protrusion in his mouth.
The body beneath him fluttered greatly. When he raised his gaze slightly, he could see Nam Seonwoo’s reddened cheeks. The pink tinge, lighter than the color on his chest, seemed to hold shyness just like two years ago.
When he lightly touched the moistened nipple with the tip of his tongue, Nam Seonwoo bit his lip even harder. Without taking his eyes off the quivering lips, Kang Jihan moved his tongue slowly. Until Nam Seonwoo let his voice be heard.
“S-stop… that.”
Kang Jihan obediently followed Nam Seonwoo’s words. The swollen, taut nipple was clearly visible even in the dim light. When he stroked it upwards, pressing with his thumb, Nam Seonwoo opened his eyes into triangles and glared at him. As if avoiding the sharp gaze, Kang Jihan lowered his lips to Nam Seonwoo’s stomach. That’s when he saw it – below the stomach, something had increased in volume, protruding above the waistband.
“…What are you looking at.”
Nam Seonwoo tried to close his legs. Kang Jihan grabbed the squirming thighs and pulled down his pants. When he pulled down the underwear in one go as well, Nam Seonwoo inhaled a cute “Hic.”
“By the way, you.”
Looking down at the shyly raised dick, Kang Jihan asked,
“Did you really not trim?”
Like the smooth arms and legs, the area without a single hair was pink like his chest. Without even being touched, Nam Seonwoo’s dick twitched. As if it had answered, Kang Jihan reached out his hand as if entranced, but Nam Seonwoo quickly flipped over.
“Stop talking nonsense and just do it quickly.”
“Do what?”
“Put it in, I said.”
Nam Seonwoo tightly hugged a pillow, ignoring the burning gaze he felt on his back.
