#109
Suddenly, a conversation from one dawn came to mind.
‘Why aren’t you sleeping?’
‘I’m afraid you’ll wake up.’
Now he vaguely understood what Kang Jihan’s answer meant back then. It was a thought Nam Seonwoo had experienced too.
The cold hospital room where he didn’t want to stay even a moment. He remembered the horror of opening his eyes there. He was always afraid when he had that dream. Afraid that his silly banter with Kang Jihan after returning to the past was all just a dream, and the reality was lying in that hospital room. Afraid that he had awakened from a sweet dream.
What woke him at those times was the rustling sound of a pencil and the warmth caressing the back of his hand. Kang Jihan would pull him out of his dreams, as if to say this place was reality and that place was just a dream. Hoping he would feel the same relief, Nam Seonwoo tightly embraced Kang Jihan.
“It’s okay. It’s just a dream.”
Whispering endlessly like that, he stroked Kang Jihan’s back, nape, and ears, just as Kang Jihan had done for him. Until the trembling in his arms subsided.
Soon, hot breaths poured onto his chest. Though there was a slight tremor at the end of his long exhale, Kang Jihan no longer shook. A little later, Kang Jihan embraced him back.
“Nam Seonwoo.”
“Yeah.”
Even after getting a response, Kang Jihan remained quiet for a while before calling his name again. “Seonwoo-ya.” Nam Seonwoo. Yeah. Seonwoo-ya. What? Despite the meaningless calls repeated several times, the answers followed without fail. Eventually, Kang Jihan grew quiet.
Nam Seonwoo carefully asked:
“Are you asleep?”
Kang Jihan shook his head within his embrace. So Nam Seonwoo, still not letting go, asked:
“Has this happened before?”
“…”
A silence of affirmation. If Kang Jihan couldn’t sleep because of recurring nightmares, his insomnia made sense. Kang Jihan’s nightmares weren’t just at the level of ‘bad dreams.’
“When did it start?”
“I don’t know.”
“Kang Jihan.”
Though his voice lowered as if to say don’t evade the question, Kang Jihan remained silent. So Nam Seonwoo voiced what he had only vaguely suspected.
“Since after the accident, right?”
He didn’t want to keep guessing alone anymore. Kang Jihan had said it himself: ask if you’re curious about something. If he seems reluctant to talk, instead of pretending not to notice, they should discuss why it’s difficult to talk about. Because they were boyfriends.
His continued silence seemed to confirm that the nightmares had indeed started right after the accident. Kang Jihan was the type to clearly deny things that weren’t true.
Then maybe… had the accident left him with trauma? It was possible. Shock from physical trauma tended to leave scars on the unconscious.
But it was puzzling. If it had been this way since the accident, he should have noticed signs two or three months ago. Though he’d sensed Kang Jihan looked a bit tired during rehabilitation, it wasn’t to this extent. His condition had noticeably worsened only in these few days since he started staying at Kang Jihan’s house.
“…You haven’t been unable to sleep for over two months, have you?”
“No.”
“Then, have the nightmares become more frequent recently?”
“No. The dreams have been… since that day…”
The lips against his chest moved for a while before closing again. He seemed to be choosing his words. After waiting patiently, the rest of the sentence followed.
“The same. Every day.”
“…What?”
Had nightmares every day?
That same nightmare, without missing a single day?
The moment he recalled Kang Jihan’s seizure just minutes ago, Nam Seonwoo abruptly pushed him away. Though he could see Kang Jihan was taken aback, he couldn’t stop his anger from erupting.
“Then why haven’t you said anything all this time?”
“I got used to it.”
“Used to it? Does someone who’s ‘used to it’ tremble like that? Do you even know what you were like earlier?”
Kang Jihan closed his mouth. From his expression, it seemed this was the first time he had woken up with such a seizure. After reading the atmosphere, Kang Jihan quickly apologized.
“I’m sorry.”
“If you’re sorry, tell me. How can someone who’s ‘used to’ nightmares be unable to sleep so much lately?”
There hadn’t been any noticeable changes in the past few days. Since they’d already been so close during rehabilitation, the only difference now was being together from early morning until late at night. Nam Seonwoo couldn’t figure it out at all.
At the sharp question mixed with hurt feelings and concern, Kang Jihan avoided his gaze. With a hardened face and tightly closed lips, Kang Jihan soon seemed to realize this wasn’t right and hurriedly parted his lips, but no sound came out.
He didn’t seem unwilling to speak. Could he not speak? Or was it difficult to say…? Not being able to grasp anything was becoming frustrating. Just as Nam Seonwoo was about to say something, a suppressed voice leaked from Kang Jihan’s heavy lips.
“Recently, it’s been…”
His voice was completely cracked. As if someone was squeezing his windpipe, Kang Jihan painfully forced out the words and continued after a long while.
“It doesn’t feel… like a dream anymore.”
After saying that much, Kang Jihan suddenly began breathing rapidly. As his breathing became increasingly rough, similar to the abnormal symptoms he had shown earlier, Nam Seonwoo urgently grabbed him.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me now.”
It seemed like pushing him further right now would be a bad idea. So he stopped him, but Kang Jihan looked anxious. Since earlier, he had been acting like someone who had to say something. As if he had an obsession with breaking the silence.
Before causing any misunderstanding, Nam Seonwoo quickly added:
“But you have to tell me later.”
Then Kang Jihan stared at Nam Seonwoo’s face for a long time. His breathing was calming down again. After a while, Kang Jihan nodded with a “Yeah.”
Silence followed with only the sound of each other’s breathing. The bedroom was so dark that it was hard to tell what time it was, but perhaps because he kept focusing on the face in front of him, Kang Jihan’s outline was clearer than any darkness. Unlike earlier, he wasn’t avoiding his gaze, suggesting he had somewhat returned to his normal self.
There was a rustling sound, and Kang Jihan’s arms pulled Nam Seonwoo’s waist. Burying his face in his chest like before, Kang Jihan remained still for a while, then closed his eyes as a hand patted his back. Nam Seonwoo whispered without stopping his hand:
“Sleepy?”
“A little.”
Contrary to his worry that the earlier shock might have worn off the medication’s effect, Kang Jihan really seemed about to fall asleep. After quietly feeling relieved, Nam Seonwoo hesitated a bit before speaking.
“Hey.”
Kang Jihan made a sound in his throat as if to say ‘go on.’
“Can I ask what kind of dream it is?”
He wanted to know what kind of nightmare would make him call for his ‘father’ and offer apologies like begging. And what was so frightening that he cried. Of course, if it was still too difficult to talk about, he was prepared to wait. However, unexpectedly, a very quiet answer came back.
“You say we should break up…”
After inhaling once as if swallowing many words, Kang Jihan briefly added:
“A dream where you disappear.”
This time, Nam Seonwoo closed his mouth.
A dream about breaking up and disappearing. The reason it felt “not like a dream” was because it had actually happened.
Of course, since Kang Jihan couldn’t know about his previous life, the “breakup” he was talking about must refer to two years ago. The moment he realized this, his solar plexus ached as if his feet had fallen asleep.
He still couldn’t understand why “father” appeared in the dream, but anyway, what Kang Jihan had told him was that he was afraid of breaking up again.
Come to think of it, Kang Jihan had always asked for the same things since their reunion. To talk to him, to see him just once, not to leave. It was the same just yesterday. The question “aren’t you going to leave?” that Kang Jihan had asked before taking the sleeping pill now made sense.
“We won’t break up.”
Nam Seonwoo deliberately tapped his back as if chiding him.
“Didn’t you say you were confident we wouldn’t break up? Where did that confidence go?”
Where was the Kang Jihan who had smiled and said he would make him fall in love? It was all because of that damned nightmare… and that nightmare was because of the stupid Nam Seonwoo from two years ago. At this conclusion, Nam Seonwoo secretly swallowed a bitter smile. He never thought he would hurt him this much. Truly.
As if reading Nam Seonwoo’s thoughts, Kang Jihan mumbled:
“You said it before. That it’s wrong to date one person for a long time.”
Though his voice was slow with sleepiness, the content ended in a complete sentence, as if not affected by drowsiness.
Nam Seonwoo didn’t remember saying this. But he had thought that way. Because watching Kang Jihan, whose initial romance had disappeared, for a long time was like self-harm. So he believed that romance eventually had an end, and a long-term relationship was like a slow breakup.
“When? Two years ago?”
But not now. If he still thought that way, there would be no reason to be like this with Kang Jihan, whom he had met for fifteen years.
“I was immature back then. I don’t think that way now.”
“Why?”
With a voice heavy with sleep, Kang Jihan asked:
“Have you tried it?”
“I’m going to.”
Intermittent conversation continued afterward. Though both the context and pronunciation were unclear, when Kang Jihan spoke, Nam Seonwoo answered, and when Nam Seonwoo spoke, Kang Jihan responded. Most of it consisted of “don’t go” and “where would I go?”
The voices that seemed like they would continue endlessly stopped at some point. Kang Jihan was quiet, perhaps asleep. His even breathing was peaceful, as if all that had happened earlier was a mirage. But since he might show seizure symptoms again at any time, Nam Seonwoo blinked his wide-awake eyes and fell into thought.
Was there a lack of certainty? If the memory of that day when they broke up kept appearing in dreams…
Nam Seonwoo’s gaze turned to the calendar on the table. Baek Heeyeon’s return date was approaching. That meant the days they could spend together like this would soon end. The recent peak in insomnia must be partly influenced by that. After all, separating after staying together is also a form of breaking up. For now, Nam Seonwoo had no other way to explain Kang Jihan’s anxiety.
‘Certainty…’
How could he prove it so that Kang Jihan would believe? No matter how many times he said they wouldn’t break up, that he wasn’t going anywhere, it seemed insufficient. The more he repeated it, the more the meaning seemed to become lighter.
Did there need to be something tangible? Would a ring work? But they couldn’t openly wear matching rings when they were together every day. Maybe if they were working adults with separate workplaces, but they were still college students walking around the same campus. Besides, rings were easy to lose.
Something that could make them feel they were together every day would be nice…
‘…Together?’
At the sudden thought, Nam Seonwoo quietly swallowed an exclamation.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
