#108
Kang Jihan often couldn’t fall asleep until dawn. Nam Seonwoo, who usually collapsed into sleep like he was passing out, noticed this fact because of the hands that kept caressing his back, neck, and face. The endless touching, as if confirming the presence before him, had no intention of putting him to sleep; rather, it seemed designed to wake him.
So when Nam Seonwoo woke up, Kang Jihan would embrace him tightly with a relieved face, saying “Sorry.” He would pat the back of Nam Seonwoo’s head as if telling him to go back to sleep, and once Nam Seonwoo drifted off again, morning would arrive, and Kang Jihan would already be in the kitchen.
After watching this behavior up close for several days, Nam Seonwoo could tell that Kang Jihan’s condition wasn’t normal. He was clearly suffering from insomnia.
While the occasional fatigue that showed after the accident could be dismissed as pain from the surgical site, the increasingly distinct symptoms of insomnia over the past few days had no apparent cause.
“Why can’t you sleep?”
Even when asked seriously, the only answer was that “It’s much better now.” Indeed, he did manage to get a bit more sleep today than yesterday, and yesterday more than the day before, but the absolute lack of sleep remained the same.
For a person to get less than 20 hours of sleep over a period of more than a week was clearly abnormal. So Nam Seonwoo tried his own measures. He tried warming milk, hanging double blackout curtains to block all light, and even reading aloud from a textbook that was over 300 pages.
But none of these home remedies worked. Kang Jihan, as if savoring the time Nam Seonwoo was doing something for him, not only didn’t fall asleep but kept his eyes wide open. The day after Nam Seonwoo collapsed before Kang Jihan while reading the textbook, he tried a completely different approach. It was a plan specifically tailored for this unbridled colt.
Despite his exhausted appearance, Kang Jihan acted in bed like someone who didn’t know what fatigue was. The idea came from that observation. If excess energy was the problem, then the solution was to drain that energy to its limit. So that night, Nam Seonwoo downed three bottles of energy drinks.
Contrary to his determination to keep going until Kang Jihan was exhausted, it was Nam Seonwoo who collapsed first that night too. When Nam Seonwoo, who usually passed out after two or three times, tried to stay awake and accommodate him, Kang Jihan pushed even more leisurely and persistently. After going five times in a row like a wild animal, Kang Jihan still put on a condom with a composed face, which finally caused Nam Seonwoo to break into tears that were close to begging. But that only seemed to stimulate Kang Jihan more.
That day, Nam Seonwoo experienced firsthand how harshly caffeine can affect a person in their twenties. After suffering until lunch the next day, Nam Seonwoo threw away all the energy drinks he had stocked in the refrigerator. Then he decided to take the most conventional approach: seeking help from medication.
Even in small doses, sleeping pills were still psychotropic drugs. Unlike Nam Seonwoo, who carefully examined the medicine for any potential side effects, Kang Jihan didn’t seem worried about the medication. When handed the glass of water and pill, his only question was:
“You won’t leave?”
“Leave where? You mean my house?”
“Anywhere.”
It wasn’t like he would sleep all day just from taking a sleeping pill; it was just for one night. There was no reason he would go anywhere. When Nam Seonwoo nodded as if asking an obvious question, Kang Jihan immediately swallowed the pill.
The effect was powerful. When Kang Jihan began to nod off during their conversation after taking the pill and lying down, Nam Seonwoo was impressed by the wonders of modern medicine. Kang Jihan, who fell asleep shortly after, even slept in late. When Nam Seonwoo opened his eyes in the morning and saw Kang Jihan sleeping soundly, he felt an indescribable sense of fulfillment.
By the second day of taking the medication:
“Kang Jihan.”
Nam Seonwoo called to him anxiously, wondering if the medicine’s effect had only been strong yesterday, but there was no response. Judging by his regular breathing, it seemed he had safely fallen asleep again today.
“Are you really sleeping?”
“……”
“Then can I go home?”
He deliberately said what Kang Jihan hated most, but it remained quiet. Only then did Nam Seonwoo exhale in relief.
The sleeping pills he had obtained were only for a week. But Nam Seonwoo didn’t intend to give them for longer than that anyway. Maybe being cooped up at home for the past few days was the problem. Just as he was thinking they should start exercising together tomorrow, Kang Jihan shifted in his sleep.
“…Is he cold?”
His jaw was trembling, almost imperceptibly. Nam Seonwoo looked around the room and carefully got up. He planned to get the blanket that Kang Jihan often covered him with at dawn. Just as he softly put his foot on the floor to avoid making noise:
“Where are you going.”
Nam Seonwoo held his breath at the voice from behind. His heart pounded as if he were a criminal caught in the act, though he hadn’t done anything wrong.
“You’re awake? Sorry.”
Glancing back, he saw that Kang Jihan had his eyes closed. Maybe he wasn’t completely asleep. Nam Seonwoo awkwardly smiled and brought the blanket to cover him over the comforter.
“You seemed cold. Should I warm some milk for you?”
The answer came a few seconds later.
“I already had some.”
“…?”
What do you mean you had some? While Nam Seonwoo was staring blankly, he bit his squirming lips. It must be sleep talking. Nam Seonwoo bit his lips hard for a while to keep from laughing, then quietly lay down again.
“Kang Jihan sleep talking.”
He had thought it unfair that only he seemed to talk in his sleep, but this was a perfect opportunity. What kind of sleep talk would Kang Jihan produce? Nam Seonwoo waited expectantly for Kang Jihan’s mouth to open.
After a few minutes passed, his twitching lips finally uttered two syllables. It was a very small sound, but clearly “Sorry.” Nam Seonwoo’s lips curled up again at Kang Jihan suddenly apologizing.
“What are you sorry for?”
“……”
“Hm? What are you sorry for?”
Between his chuckling laughter, Nam Seonwoo heard Kang Jihan’s mumbling.
“…could wake up… if you talk…”
Nam Seonwoo abruptly stopped laughing. He didn’t understand what Kang Jihan meant, but his previously peaceful face seemed somewhat distorted. While holding his breath and focusing on Kang Jihan’s voice, the only words he could make out were “Father” and “Sorry.”
“…Father?”
Nam Seonwoo’s expression quickly hardened. Could he be dreaming about his biological father? But it was strange. Two years ago, when Kang Jihan told him about his biological father, there wasn’t much to the story. What Kang Jihan had received was indifference, not something that would make him apologize like this. Moreover, Kang Jihan didn’t refer to his biological father as “Father.”
It was then that his slightly trembling jaw began to shake visibly. Kang Jihan clenched his teeth tightly and started mumbling again.
“…sorry, I… sor… ry…”
“Hey… what’s wrong with you?”
Flustered, Nam Seonwoo reached out to touch the tightly clenched jaw. He could feel the trembling of Kang Jihan’s face through his palm. No matter how much he tried to soothe him, the trembling beneath his hand wouldn’t stop.
Was he having a nightmare? He had just fallen asleep; was it right to wake him? As he was deliberating, something hot fell on the thumb that was stroking Kang Jihan’s cheek.
“…please, let me see just once, I… beg…”
“……”
Kang Jihan was crying. He was crying. The moment Nam Seonwoo saw his face filled with such agony, he decided it was right to wake him.
“Jihan.”
He shook his shoulder, but Kang Jihan only contorted his face without opening his eyes. Even shaking him hard back and forth only caused the trembling to spread to his shoulders.
Kang Jihan began to breathe rapidly. His relaxed body tensed up like someone under extreme stress, and he clenched his fists so tightly that his veins bulged, as if he couldn’t bear it without holding onto something.
“Jihan, Kang Jihan. Wake up.”
“Eyes, ugh, please… any… words…”
Incomprehensible words poured out. More concerning was how he was taking such broken breaths. Like someone having a panic attack.
“Hey…”
Nam Seonwoo’s mind went blank. Scared, he cupped both of Kang Jihan’s cheeks. He couldn’t tell whose trembling hands they were—Kang Jihan’s or his own.
Suddenly, his wrist was firmly grasped. It was such a strong grip that it made him doubt if Kang Jihan was actually asleep. Kang Jihan gasped with his face buried in Nam Seonwoo’s palm.
“Words… this time I’ll… much, I’ll do better…”
“What on earth…”
Seeing him continuously mumbling apologies reminded Nam Seonwoo of when Kang Jihan had suddenly sat up in the hospital room and looked for him first. Then he seemed to understand who these apologies were directed at. For some reason, his eyes grew hot. Nam Seonwoo clenched his teeth and slapped the pitifully trembling cheeks.
“Kang Jihan!”
After about three slaps, his tightly closed eyes finally opened. But the pupils within them were still cloudy. Looking directly into those terror-stricken eyes, Nam Seonwoo whispered firmly:
“It’s a dream.”
He couldn’t know what kind of dream it was. But whatever the content of the nightmare, it was just a dream. Whether it was something that had happened or not, it wasn’t reality—it was a dream.
“It’s just a dream.”
Kang Jihan gasped for breath like someone pulled from deep water. As he watched his own reflection gradually take shape in those hazy pupils, Nam Seonwoo gently stroked the swollen cheeks. In sync with that gesture, Kang Jihan’s breathing also gradually lengthened.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
