# Chapter 11
Mugyeong swallowed Haeseung’s lips once again. A thrill ran through his body, swelling his desire. Mugyeong realized that if he didn’t endure his desire, it would inflate uncontrollably. He had absolutely no confidence that he could stop, and he became desperate with the urge to drag Haeseung into the room, lay him down on the floor. The kisses grew increasingly intense. A sharp pain on his shin barely brought Mugyeong back to his senses. Haeseung was glaring at him with fierce eyes, breathing heavily. Mugyeong paid no attention and murmured in a low voice:
“That’s two.”
“Mmph!”
Mugyeong pulled Haeseung’s head with both hands and once again passionately intertwined his tongue with his. Haeseung broke free with all his might and wiped his lips with the back of his hand.
“That’s three.”
“Kang Mugyeong! Are you crazy?”
“I’m going to count every kiss I have with you.”
“You really are insane.”
Haeseung huffed and went inside the room. Haeseung going into the room was truly a dangerous thing. Mugyeong was certain that the moment he followed him in there, his patience to leave Haeseung alone would vanish. He stood still in place and counted to one hundred to calm his excitement. And then he counted to five hundred more.
When he entered the room, he saw Haeseung lying down with his arm covering his eyes. Sensing Mugyeong’s presence, Haeseung bit his lip so hard it nearly bled.
“Lee Haeseung.”
“…”
“Are you going to avoid me from now on?”
“…”
“You said you’d avoid me if I acted like a crazy person.”
Haeseung sat up and faced Mugyeong. The rims of his eyes were faintly red.
“This is maddening. Did you do that knowing this would happen? Then how am I supposed to interpret what you did? Should I simply think, ‘This bastard wants to distance himself from me, so he did something insane’?”
If Haeseung had just shown an angry expression, Mugyeong’s heart wouldn’t have hurt this much. Haeseung looked at Mugyeong desperately, as if something most precious in his life had been completely taken away. But if that precious something was his friendship with Mugyeong, then Mugyeong thought it would be much better to take that away once and for all.
“Yes. Think of it simply. I don’t want to be your friend.”
“You really…”
“I like you.”
“I like you too.”
“Not like that.”
“Kang Mugyeong, please.”
“I masturbate thinking about you. I want to hold you. When I look at you, I keep having sexual thoughts, so how can I be friends with you?”
“You want to hold me?”
“…Yes.”
Haeseung’s face gradually filled with shock.
“You’re talking about sex? You want to do it with me? That’s it?”
“Not right now, but someday…”
“Someday? Then until we do it, what kind of relationship should we have? Knowing full well that you look at me that way. Are you asking me to help you find a suitable opportunity to do that with me or what?”
“You don’t have to help. I’ll work hard to find the opportunity myself.”
Haeseung roughly pushed back his bangs with a dumbfounded expression. A heavy silence continued for a while. Silently, Haeseung glared at the floor, at the dark marks on the vinyl where someone had burned it with a cigarette, then raised his head as if he’d made a decision.
“Forget someday, let’s do it right now. You want to hold me? Then I just need to be the one on the bottom, right?”
While Haeseung’s expression was relatively combative, his tone was one of despair.
“Hey, Lee Haeseung.”
“Once we do it, it probably won’t be a big deal. Let’s do it once and then cleanly forget about everything that happened today. We’ll go back to how we were before.”
Haeseung took off his hoodie and then removed his short-sleeved t-shirt as well, exposing his bare body. His hands trembled as he unfastened his belt. Mugyeong couldn’t bear to watch any longer and firmly grabbed Haeseung’s hands.
“Put your clothes on, Lee Haeseung.”
Large teardrops fell on the back of Mugyeong’s hand as he restrained Haeseung. When he looked up in surprise, he saw Haeseung’s chin trembling slightly as he silently shed tears. Mugyeong realized for the first time that a person could shed so many tears all at once.
Mugyeong retrieved the clothes Haeseung had thrown off. After helping Haeseung get dressed, Mugyeong let out a small sigh to cool his burning heart. Haeseung’s tears had stopped, but he still looked precarious, as if he might burst into tears again at the slightest touch. This confession scene, which Mugyeong had imagined countless times, was all the more painful because Haeseung’s tears had not been part of the plan. Of course, Haeseung undressing and suggesting they have sex immediately was also far from what he had expected.
“Kang Mugyeong. What are we going to do now?”
Mugyeong hesitated, unable to speak hastily. But he couldn’t avoid answering forever.
“Let’s eat lunch here and leave around two.”
Haeseung’s incredulous gaze fixed on Mugyeong’s face.
“Sure. If we leave around two, there won’t be any problems between us from now on.”
“I meant we should talk again when we get back to Seoul.”
“Let’s just end the conversation here.”
“How should we end it?”
“Can’t you give up on me?”
“How can I give up? I don’t know how.”
Mugyeong was frustrated with himself for overusing the word “how.” Haeseung seemed equally frustrated with him. But there was nothing he could do. For Mugyeong, the only active solution was to make Haeseung his lover, nothing else.
“Should we stay apart for a while?”
Mugyeong was about to ask “For how long?” but gave up. He didn’t think he could bear even a few days. His obsession with Haeseung had grown much stronger since before his confession. Mugyeong acknowledged it was an obsession and felt bitter. What if Haeseung had felt the same way? If so, his feelings might have been recognized as pure-hearted devotion rather than obsession. He found himself making such forced rationalizations and felt pathetic.
Above all, Haeseung’s cautious suggestion to stay apart came as a shock to Mugyeong. More precisely, what shocked him was how cautious Haeseung’s tone was. It sounded like he was trying not to upset Mugyeong while aiming for a safe breakup. Did he really seem that bestial? Still, hadn’t he shown restraint for a long time? He had been controlling his desire to possess Haeseung completely for years. Moreover, he was confident he could continue to control it. However, as the situation wasn’t favorable to express such aspirations, Mugyeong kept his mouth shut for now.
Having calmed down somewhat, Haeseung carefully refastened his belt, conscious of Mugyeong’s presence. Trying not to look at Haeseung, Mugyeong pondered a response to his suggestion about staying apart. But he couldn’t think of an answer that would satisfy Haeseung, and he felt at a loss. Though he didn’t know where this belief came from, he felt that Haeseung’s suggestion to stay apart wasn’t sincere from the beginning. On top of that, if he responded with “Yes, fine, let’s stay apart for a while,” the situation might get even worse. In the end, after a long pause, what came out of Mugyeong’s mouth was:
“Does that make sense?”
Though that wasn’t what he meant to say, somehow it came out as if he was reproaching Haeseung. Haeseung didn’t say anything and just looked at Mugyeong, but Mugyeong could read his thoughts all too clearly: that he, Mugyeong, was the one who made the least sense here.
“You might not know, but I had a brief chat with the owner yesterday.”
Haeseung’s tone had largely returned to normal.
“What about?”
“You know that small mountain behind here? He warned us not to climb it.”
“Why?”
“He said it’s dangerous because there are many landmines installed during the Korean War. They’ve removed a lot, but some might still remain. Plus, with the snow covering everything, you can’t see the landmines.”
Mugyeong nodded. He had no intention of climbing the mountain in the first place, but he felt relief that they hadn’t gone up. Anyway, feeling that their conversation topic had shifted away from the serious framework with no answers, Mugyeong confidently agreed, feeling reassured.
“You can’t see them.”
“I feel like I’ve just stepped on a landmine.”
Was that lengthy introduction just to express this feeling? Mugyeong understood, but on the other hand, he felt dejected, wondering if his emotions were dangerous enough to be treated like a landmine. However, it occurred to him that perhaps Haeseung was referring to the unexpected kiss, and if so, he could understand why Haeseung might feel that way.
“I’m sorry.”
Haeseung shook his head.
“I wanted to say that it’s partly my fault too. The landmine was just there all along, and I accidentally stepped on it. I shouldn’t have gone up the mountain.”
“…”
“I shouldn’t have come here alone with you.”
But they both knew. These feelings would have exploded someday, even if they hadn’t come here.
Suddenly, Haeseung stood up. Mugyeong’s gaze naturally had to follow him. Haeseung took out a white envelope from his bag and returned to his seat holding it. The envelope looked quite thick at a glance, and Mugyeong’s heart began to race with a bad feeling.
Haeseung handed the white envelope to Mugyeong with a stiff face. Since there was no possibility of a love letter being inside the envelope, Mugyeong didn’t take it and asked:
“What is this?”
“Take it. It’s your money.”
“I never lent you money.”
Haeseung made a troubled face.
“The timing is a bit awkward. I didn’t expect this to happen during our trip. So don’t misunderstand.”
“Misunderstand? What misunderstanding?”
“It’s money I won from you playing Go-Stop. I’ve been thinking I should return this money to you someday, and I thought this trip would be the perfect time. Take it.”
Mugyeong felt dazed, as if he’d been hit with a blunt object. Haeseung placed the money envelope in front of Mugyeong.
“Why are you giving this money back? You won it fair and square.”
“I can’t remember exactly when, but at some point, I began to suspect you were deliberately losing. It’s strange. Once the suspicion started, I began to properly see things I hadn’t noticed before. To the point where I wondered how I hadn’t noticed all this time.”
It sounded as if he was talking about Mugyeong’s feelings for Haeseung. From now on, Haeseung would see all of Mugyeong’s words and actions from a different angle than before. Mugyeong was confused whether he should welcome this or feel disappointed.
“You saw it wrong.”
“No. You were really clumsy about it. The fact that I only realized it much later—I must have been blinded by greed for money.”
“I’m telling you, I didn’t deliberately lose.”
Mugyeong said this with an expression of complete innocence. Of course, Haeseung didn’t buy it. Mugyeong’s credibility was already at rock bottom, making it impossible for excuses to break down the solid belief Haeseung had built. He couldn’t argue further as he remembered how Haeseung’s reaction had grown lukewarm even after winning money at some point. But he didn’t want to accept the money either. Although Haeseung said he had planned to return it before the trip, from Mugyeong’s perspective, it seemed like an attempt to cleanly settle their relationship.
“I won’t ask why you deliberately lost money to me.”
Haeseung said. Mugyeong picked up the envelope, took out the stack of bills, and roughly divided it in half. Then he handed half to Haeseung.
“Take it. You earned this much with your own skill.”
Haeseung accepted the money with an expression that was somewhere between wanting to smile and looking dissatisfied. Thanks to Haeseung accepting the money, Mugyeong’s heart also felt somewhat lighter. A positive interpretation followed: Haeseung hadn’t completely rejected his feelings but had accepted half of them. It wasn’t the worst-case scenario after all.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
