Chapter 172
Even in the darkness, his crumpled and sorrowful expression was clearly visible. The face that quickly ran to me and helped me up was full of worry and shock.
Is it really you?
Did you come to find me?
“Mitchell.”
“What are you doing here!”
His anger, with veins popping, was directed at me, but I smiled happily instead. My face must be a mess from crying, but I couldn’t help but smile. Every time Mitchell pitied me, looked down on me, or felt sorry for me, I wanted to become an even more pitiful person.
What wouldn’t I do to get Mitchell’s attention? I think I’d be okay even if I were stuck in the hole right next to us. As long as you came to rescue me.
“I knew it. I knew you’d come. I’ve been waiting.”
Unable to contain my joy, tears flowed down my face, wetting it.
Come to think of it, it was Mitchell who saved my life when it had fallen into a pit. It was always you who saved me. So you should love me more… no, I should love you more…
“I love you, Mitchell. I love you. I love you.”
The reason I couldn’t confess to Mitchell that I liked him. It was because I was afraid of being abandoned by him. Even though I realized my love, I lacked courage.
I always thought of the worst.
Even if the worst situation of being rejected by Mitchell happened, I wouldn’t have been able to leave Mitchell. I probably would have lingered around Mitchell for the rest of my life. Just as Bae Junman got tired of me, Mitchell would obviously get tired of me too. That’s why I couldn’t confess, wanting to see him for a longer time with a slightly more peaceful mind.
But I heard Mitchell say he loved me.
You stupid bastard. You selfish bastard who only thinks about hurting my feelings. You cowardly idiot who doesn’t even have the courage to say that one word. I should have said it before Mitchell. Mitchell was a braver person than me.
“Mitchell…”
So even though it’s late, I should tell him now that I’ll be his bright side, his darkness. That I’ll be his day and night by his side for life.
“Mitchell…, I…”
My voice was a mess because tears kept flowing. Still, I held it in and conveyed my feelings to him.
“I love you so much.”
“…Geon-woo.”
I couldn’t see his face as I was embraced in Mitchell’s arms.
Another creaking sound came from somewhere. But the noise that had driven me to fear no longer scared me. I wasn’t afraid of the darkness anymore. Even if I’m trapped, someone with the key will come eventually.
***
“What happened?”
Mitchell’s voice reached my ears. The sweet scent in his breath warmed my body, and I felt a slight vibration from the arms holding me. Just having Mitchell by my side transformed this place, which I had wanted to escape from until just now, into a cozy space.
The noise and silence that had made me tremble, everything about this house, no longer bothered me. I felt that even if I were trapped and starving for a few more days, it would be okay as long as I was with Mitchell.
“Mitchell. Well…”
As I couldn’t answer immediately due to the overwhelming feeling in my chest, Mitchell spoke first.
“Were you here on purpose?”
On purpose, what a terrible thing to say. I clung to Mitchell, almost hanging onto him. While sobbing, I spilled out everything that had happened.
“After finishing filming, I lay down on the bed and fell asleep. I guess they didn’t know I was here. Everyone left without me. They even locked the door.”
“Then… you’ve been trapped here since yesterday?”
“Yes.”
Finding someone who understood my suffering made my sorrow explode. The tears I had just managed to stop started flowing again. I rubbed my face against Mitchell’s clothes, then quickly pulled away and met his eyes. My face must look ugly covered in tears, but I wanted to show him in detail how hard I had fought for the past two days.
I told him that no matter how much I called, no one came, and I even tried to break the walls but failed. I confessed that I was scared to death trying to endure a night in this pitch-black place, but in the end, you came. Just talking about it made me feel like all the hardships were being washed away.
“Ha, Geon-woo…”
Mitchell exhaled deeply and stared at me intently.
He wiped the tears from my eyes while laughing softly, seeming as dumbfounded and bewildered as I was. Moreover, from what he was saying, it seemed Mitchell had come here without knowing I was trapped here.
“How did you come? Were you looking for me? You didn’t know, right?”
For a moment, Mitchell’s eyebrows shot up. I thought my question had angered him, but fortunately, it hadn’t. His reddened eyes seemed to be holding back tears.
“If I had known, would I have left you here? I’ve been looking for you all this time. While searching…”
As expected, Mitchell hadn’t come here guessing that I might be trapped on the set.
He said he was planning to check a few more places where I might have gone and where he had last seen me before contacting the police. While thinking that an accident might have happened since I suddenly disappeared, on the other hand, he thought I might have gone into hiding because I felt confused due to his confession. It was nonsense.
“…I thought you might feel burdened because I was being so serious. I kept thinking of the worst. Because you weren’t by my side.”
This was the first time I had seen Mitchell so vulnerable. His grip on me was so firm that it seemed impossible to remove, but his eyes, unfocused from confusion, were completely crumbling. It was heartbreaking to watch. And I’m the one crying right now.
Mitchell kept wiping my eyes, which showed no signs of drying. I tried to hold back my tears because I hated how Mitchell’s face became blurry through them, but it wasn’t easy.
“But Geon-woo, you just…”
Confessed to me.
Said you loved me.
I finally did it. Finally, to you.
“I confessed.”
The damn courage came frustratingly late. We were both cowards who wanted so much from each other but couldn’t convey the important things. Scared of being abandoned, we curled up tightly and only took what the other gave. Both me and Mitchell, we were the same.
“My confession… It’s not obsession, it’s love. It’s not a desire I have for just anyone, but real love that I want to give only to you, Mitchell.”
This time, the coward expressed his feelings quite calmly. My voice was slower and weaker, but I spoke clearly, conveying my love.
“I want to share not just your body, but your emotions, your heart, your family, the people around you, everything that makes you who you are, with me.”
“……”
Mitchell won’t change and gives me trust in any situation. I knew he wouldn’t reject me. Because he’s always by my side, protecting me with his strong presence. That’s why I became greedy.
But today, for some reason, he seemed broken. It wasn’t like Mitchell.
I kept stroking his back. If I didn’t comfort him, I felt like I might crumble too. No, had I already crumbled? I don’t know.
To bring Mitchell back, I touched him and breathed with him for quite a long time. Even though I was still the one crying, I comforted Mitchell. Mitchell, who was frozen still.
“Not deficiency, but love.”
After a long time, Mitchell finally spoke. He wiped away the tears clouding my vision and smiled like before. The weak man who had been crumbling until just now had disappeared somewhere, and his emerald-like eyes shone freshly as before.
“I’ll dedicate everything I have left to you.”
This already deficient person says he’ll give everything he has left to me. Even though he doesn’t have much to begin with. If you give everything to me, what will you become? Just an empty shell.
“Take it all.”
My tears had stopped at some point. At this moment when he’s giving everything, all the hardships I’ve been through evaporated in an instant. Instead, I couldn’t control my body trembling with emotion. I forced myself to open my mouth and conveyed my feelings to Mitchell.
“I’ll give you everything too.”
If Mitchell has nothing left, I’ll just give him everything I have. We’ll give to each other. Whether it’s love, joy, obsession, or deficiency, it doesn’t matter what it is.
I was prepared to give and take everything with Mitchell.
“I’ll help you up. Hold onto me.”
I wanted to preserve this moment of confirming our love forever, but we couldn’t sit on the ground forever. As I put my arms around his neck, Mitchell held me and slowly stood up.
“Doesn’t your ankle hurt?”
“It’s fine.”
Just a while ago, it was so painful that I suspected it might have broken again, but after meeting Mitchell, I didn’t even realize it hurt. Only when he paid attention to my ankle did I remember that it had been hurting.
As Mitchell stood up, I turned my head to look down at the hole right next to us. The deep pit was dark and distant. Not being able to see makes it even more frightening to the imagination, but darkness is no longer darkness now. Instead of the vanished fear, peacefulness filled me, and it no longer bothered me.
“It was really hard for us, wasn’t it?”
Mitchell’s words were only half right. Our beginning was heated like getting on a highway. We were so fearlessly reckless that we rushed at each other without properly confirming our emotions. We might have used each other to fill our own emptiness.
“Or maybe it was too easy.”
We might have let our guard down because it was easy. We took our relationship for granted, as if it was in the palm of our hands, and in the end, we might have been dragged along by our emotions to end up here.
When I decided to be obsessed with Mitchell, how good would it have been if I had known that I was actually deciding to love him? If I had casually confessed my love with a lighter heart, unlike now.
Mitchell, having heard my confession, would probably have accepted me. He might have taken me in, albeit bewildered, attaching various conditions. And then, wouldn’t he have come to truly love me?
Then we would have reached each other so easily.
But if I had known beforehand that the root of my obsession was a seriously twisted affection, I might not have been able to reach Mitchell. I wouldn’t have been able to ask so much of Mitchell so recklessly.
I would have spent agonizing days being embarrassed just by touching, worrying over every word, and eating myself up. Because for a man to confess to another man was unthinkable even if the world split in two. That’s how I was in the past.
So maybe all of this was a crack for us to love each other.
What people call my obsessive disorder was the product of long-accumulated misfortune to meet Mitchell, and the misfortune that tormented me was actually not misfortune but a device heading towards the final comfort.
Ah.
I understood my misfortune.
I understood myself,
and I came to understand Mitchell.
