Hidden Vice 1

I killed someone.

The warmth fading from fingertips, eyes bulging wide, hands searching desperately for something to grasp, legs suspended in air, clothes fluttering.

All of it left a slow-motion afterimage, like a scene in slow motion.

I want to preserve this dramatic moment as a painting.

The title should be “Struggle.” Whether it’s the struggle of someone trying to live or my struggle trying to kill, I’m not sure.

It would certainly become a work to rival Munch’s “The Scream”—so famous even a seven-year-old kindergartener would recognize it.

I gripped the railing and looked down. A large bird was falling. A bird that had soared high into the sky, trusting its wings, unable to control its rotting body, falling down and down until finally hitting the ground.

With a loud crash, the body sprawled on the cold stone floor, staining it red, looking so incredibly small. Similar to an ant that would burst and die if pressed and rubbed with a finger.

I held up my thumb and closed one eye. The one who had been so carelessly fearless was now hidden completely behind just my thumb.

Visible. Invisible. Visible. Invisible.

I hummed as if singing a song, folding and unfolding my thumb.

“…Cha Sukyung.”

I turned my head at the name called in a low voice. A man with a pale face reached his hand toward me.

“Come here.”

Though it was a command, the man’s fingertips trembled just like the name that left his lips. I stared quietly at those quivering fingertips before turning my gaze back down.

People were gathering around the road stained like a drop of red paint had fallen. Black dots swarmed.

They really are like ants. Ants gathering around sweet crumbs of candy.

The man who had slowly approached from behind pulled my shoulders away from the railing. As he turned me around and looked me up and down, he asked, “Are you okay?” His face looked so not okay that it made me laugh.

“It’s perfect.”

With my head turned slightly to glance below while still in the man’s arms, I said:

“It couldn’t be more… perfect.”