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What consultation? What did he do? Questions bloomed every moment, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask out loud. All he could do was stare at the doctor with a vacant expression. The doctor seemed to be looking for a nurse behind him, asking “Shall we make an appointment now?” When he made eye contact with a passing nurse, another stranger came over.
“Yes, should we make a separate appointment for the patient?”
“Oh, no…. I’ll go myself….”
When Taein showed a negative reaction, the nurse who had hurried over only made an “Ah” sound. He soon made brief eye contact with the doctor and headed to where he was originally going. Hmm, the doctor who had been observing Taein’s reaction cleared his throat and added worrying words.
“Um… even if you have circumstances, it would be good to visit a hospital once. As I said, your body isn’t in a stable condition….”
It seemed like casual words, but there was persistence in the doctor’s eyes. He didn’t withdraw his gaze until Taein answered.
“…Yes.”
Only after seeing Taein’s reluctant answer did the doctor pull back his head and smile slightly.
“That’s right. Today, you can go anytime when you feel your body condition has improved. If you call a nurse before going, they’ll remove this.”
His finger lightly touched and left the arm with the IV drip. The doctor said that much and left. He seemed to go to the desk to hear someone’s message.
“……”
Taein followed the doctor’s figure until then and turned his eyes forward. Is this a dream…? He had that vague thought, but the hospital lighting was too bright. Something this bright and white couldn’t be a dream. Then he closed his eyes because of the light, and for a moment the doctor’s words struck his head.
If you didn’t know you were pregnant, go get hospital treatment?
As soon as Taein reconsidered those words, he sat up from his upper body. He didn’t have the presence of mind to ask to have the injection removed. He quietly looked down at his arm and pulled off everything from the tape to the needle at once. Blood beaded for a moment, but when he covered it with his sleeve, it didn’t show. Taein left the bed as is and headed for the emergency room entrance.
* * *
Inside the quiet bus terminal. A man with a pale white face was looking at the bus timetable. Even though he wore completely unremarkable clothes, the man caught the attention of several people. The man, who had been staring at the timetable for a while, turned around and headed for an old chair. He sat there seeming to think about something.
“……”
He’d arrived quite a while ago but still hadn’t decided on a destination. Though he was born and raised in Seoul, his home wasn’t there, and if he carelessly went to Seoul, he might run into Gu Wanjae. From the moment he heard the ridiculous words at the hospital, he had resolved that he must never be seen by Gu Wanjae. Taein sat in the chair for a long time before getting up.
He walked along the wall and entered the bathroom where dim light leaked.
It was a place as old as the old terminal. Broken tiles were noticeable and one sink didn’t seem to work at all. After roughly scanning the surroundings with his eyes, Taein turned toward the bathroom stalls. He entered the very back stall and closed the door.
He had been in open places all along, but he was alone in the bathroom.
The emotions he couldn’t show at the hospital or in one corner of the terminal belatedly welled up.
With the bathroom wall that seemed ready to break, Taein wiped his eyes.
Moisture seeped onto his hands like traces.
Because it was overwhelming. Because he didn’t know what to do. Because the future looked bleak.
Those reasons were merely secondary.
The emotion that surged was because of Gu Wanjae.
Originally, he had planned to visit the guesthouse directly in the morning and pretend to be defeated while accepting Gu Wanjae’s apology. Although he had heard harsh words, his anger didn’t last long either. Even when he was trying to sleep, he closed his eyes only thinking that it couldn’t be helped, he had to go back. Looking up at the hospital ceiling, he really didn’t know he would hear such absurd words.
…….
He didn’t want to ruin Gu Wanjae’s life.
‘…Those guys even get pregnant. Isn’t that fucking crazy? If I ruin my life by sticking it anywhere, who’s going to take responsibility….’
Even if he couldn’t help, he shouldn’t become an obstacle.
And….
He needed to think more coldly, but pathetic things interfered in his head. Memories of playing, eating, and fighting with Gu Wanjae. The school rooftop. Tteokbokki. Karaoke. Cheap motorcycle. He even laughed at the memory of stapling his own collar with a stapler.
Crazy bastard. The situation is like this and he’s laughing.
Taein repeated laughing and crying like a crazy person, then covered his face with his hands. He lowered his head deeply and just stood in that position for a long time.
Soon, as if some thought occurred to him, Taein’s head slowly lifted.
It was all his responsibility.
When he used to go to the hospital, the doctors all expressed sympathy about his late-manifested Omega gender. That he probably wouldn’t get pregnant. Most are like that. Taein only said “Ah, yes” each time. Since it had nothing to do with him, he only half-listened and let it pass. And he had mentioned that information to Gu Wanjae. When Gu Wanjae caught him buying condoms, while saying he wanted to die, that he’d never do it again, he remembered casually saying that pregnancy and such things wouldn’t happen anyway.
“……”
It was a relationship they both agreed to, and Taein owed Gu Wanjae too much to blame anyone for anything.
Both materially and mentally, without Gu Wanjae, his life that would have been impoverished had shone briefly.
He was grateful that such a guy became friends with him. He didn’t know how grateful he was that he treated him well without wanting anything. He should have told him jokingly in advance what he would eventually be unable to do. Taein now regretted such things.
Since it was a one-sided way of ending their friendship, Gu Wanjae would hate and despise him a lot. Maybe he would become the biggest trash in Gu Wanjae’s life. Because he trusted him that much. Because they had shared so much.
To such a guy, in this way….
Taein came out of the bathroom stall with a completely drained face.
He went to the sink, washed his hands, and also washed his face, then faced himself reflected in the mirror.
Still, go.
Leave far away.
Don’t spit in his life.
He warned himself inwardly, but his expression was still vacant. Taein roughly wiped his wet face and came out of the bathroom. When he turned his eyes to where the timetable was, the destinations he had seen earlier became more detailed. Unfamiliar city names also caught his eye. Taein couldn’t take his eyes off one particular destination. Juhang. Right below it was a notice that the route was being reduced. The content was that they would keep reducing it and probably not operate around next year.
Reading that, Taein headed to the ticket office and asked the staff for one ticket to Juhang. He didn’t check the time, but it happened to be a 40-minute ticket.
The clock attached to the central pillar of the terminal was pointing to 11:25.
After checking the time, he moved to the area marked <Bus Boarding Area>.
The bus to Juhang was coming this way after going around the parked buses. It seemed like it would wait about 10 minutes before departing.
He could see the bus stop and one person loading luggage, but Taein’s hands were light. He didn’t have any luggage to load in the first place.
While observing the bus and the occasional people like that, he suddenly had some thought and his hand went to his pocket. What he took out was his phone.
He should throw it away.
Having made up his mind, when he looked back, one large trash can caught his eye. The opening was so large that it seemed like it would easily go in even with rough aim. Taein held the phone in his hand and stared blankly at the black screen. Then he impulsively pressed the power button.
On the screen that quickly turned on, traces of Gu Wanjae looking for him remained.
It seemed like he had called several times in the morning, and when he couldn’t be reached, he seemed to have kept sending only messages after that.
[It’s morning] [Gu Wanjae]
[Send me the address I’ll come pick you up] [Gu Wanjae]
[Or I’ll send you the address here] [Gu Wanjae]
[Photo] [Gu Wanjae]
[Still midnight?] [Gu Wanjae]
[Answer the phone] [Gu Wanjae]
[Sleepyhead still sleeping] [Gu Wanjae]
[Something like yesterday will never happen again] [Gu Wanjae]
[I’ve matured now too lol] [Gu Wanjae]
[Let’s eat grilled clams for dinner] [Gu Wanjae]
[As a sign of reflection I’ll pay for everything] [Gu Wanjae]
“……”
After silently looking at the screen for just a moment, Taein hurriedly turned off the phone. Taking one or two steps at a time, the trash can was right in front. Taein hesitated for a moment, then threw the phone in with a thunk. Perhaps because there was no content, it made quite a loud sound. There was nothing more to do besides this. Taein tried to suppress the thought of taking one more look and approached the bus. Please don’t act as you please. Even while thinking that, his eyes were on the trash can.
He didn’t know how each minute could pass so quickly.
40 minutes came quickly and he could see the driver grab his belt and get on the bus.
At the terminal, he had felt restless and regretful the whole time. But when he actually heard the sound of the engine starting, his heart became calm instead. His heart had been beating because it seemed like everything would change with his actions, but that actually wasn’t it. It was just that a guy who was used to winter was going into a cold cave when the next winter came. Carrying memories of spring, summer, and fall.
Right.
In the end, everyone was comfortable with their own place.
He just needed to become a guy with no friends again, a weirdo with no parents.
The life he had briefly forgotten living was also a life he could return to anytime.
The place where all his cards were revealed was where he belonged.
He had gotten on the bus to go to that place.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Let’s think that way.
Taein put his face against the car window and said one thing as if the terminal were Gu Wanjae.
Take care.
The bus that soon departed left the terminal, spewing gray smoke.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
