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“I think well of you.”
For something he said spontaneously, it didn’t have much content. Taein opened his mouth without giving much thought to those words that had scattered into the air.
“Yes… Yoon… Donghwan-ssi isn’t bad either….”
“What?”
“…I think well of you too….”
Honestly, it was the first time in 5 years of living in Juhang that he had gotten this close to someone. Maybe it was because Yoon Donghwan was at least a reasonably decent person. There were parts where their ideologies and words and actions didn’t match, but that didn’t make him a bad person. He had often been surprised thinking “that person…” because of first impressions, but the person himself didn’t seem to be rotten to the core.
“You think well of me? That’s it?”
At the simple evaluation, Yoon Donghwan asked with wide eyes as if he wanted something more. At the added words “That’s it?”, Taein hesitated for a moment, then nodded and quietly added “Yes.”
“Fuck, thinking well of me, that’s…”
He was the one who had casually thrown out that he thought well of him first, yet he seemed somehow twisted about Taein’s “I think well of you” statement. While making eye contact, he suddenly turned his upper body and sipped the alcohol in front of him. No, it wasn’t sipping but more like pouring it down. Whether it was whiskey or soju, the glass was filled to the brim, and it all went into Yoon Donghwan’s mouth in an instant.
“What did I say before,”
It seemed like too much to swallow all at once, as one of his eyebrows distorted mercilessly.
“About life?”
Yoon Donghwan, who subtly raised only his ending tone as if searching his memory alone, kept looking straight ahead. Only one ear and part of his profile entered Taein’s view.
“About… life?”
“Yeah, life.”
What had he said about life? He threw out so many strange words casually that he couldn’t remember everything he had said. Still, while trying his best to recall what he had said about life and getting lost in thought, words came from Yoon Donghwan first. He only turned his neck diagonally to send a glance this way.
“The most important thing in life is efficiency.”
“Ah.”
“Time is fucking scarce, so why live considering this and that? Right?”
“Yes.”
When Yoon Donghwan directly brought up “efficiency,” it seemed like he had vaguely heard such words. Where was it? Was it in Yoon Donghwan’s hotel room? He couldn’t remember how such words came up, but he dimly recalled something about efficiency indoors.
“But I… lately my efficiency has been fucking terrible.”
“……”
“I go around unnecessarily and bump into things, and I can’t say what I could just say directly but go around in circles, you know?”
Whether things weren’t going well lately, his voice muttering quietly to himself had lost strength. Taein wondered if he should comfort Yoon Donghwan, who kept looking at him then looking away. He had also had some alcohol, and Yoon Donghwan seemed drunk enough to share his inner thoughts. Although they had ended up drinking together by chance, just keeping his mouth shut and passing it by made him feel cold. Taein timed it and opened his mouth hesitantly. He was trying to give even awkward comfort, but Yoon Donghwan was faster with his words.
“When life isn’t going my way. What should I do then?”
To ask him that. Yoon Donghwan’s poor business acumen was showing here too. Taein had never given that kind of advice to anyone, so he just swallowed his saliva openly. Would someone like him, who had been living paycheck to paycheck paying off debts, lost his job, got entangled badly with Jang Ihwan and was practically penniless, have some key to break through the situation? Yoon Donghwan seemed to be genuinely seeking advice as he quietly stared into Taein’s eyes. His eyes, which had been moving around while speaking, were fixed on just one place.
“…Maybe try… returning to your original intentions….”
“Original intentions?”
“Yes, Yoon Donghwan-ssi is just having a rough time right now… but anyway, there were times when you made enough money to do business, right…? So if you live efficiently again like you did then… it should work….”
“Live efficiently again.”
“Yes, if things are meant to not work out, they’ll never work out endlessly… that’s life.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Should I live like I used to?”
“…That’s what I think… but ask others for advice too. I’m….”
What am I saying when I’m nothing, when I’m worthless. Taein felt his cheeks getting hot as he spoke more. It might be because of the alcohol, but he was genuinely embarrassed. What am I to say such things? It was also embarrassing to see Yoon Donghwan listening seriously. At least the fortunate thing was that his face was already red from alcohol, so his emotionally flushed face was hidden.
Taein added “I have enough problems of my own…” and turned his eyes elsewhere. What kind of excellent advice was Yoon Donghwan expecting from someone like him? He could feel persistent eyes staring at just one place.
“You’re saying to do what I want to do.”
“…Yes, if you try like before, I think you’ll find an answer.”
He still felt presumptuous, but thinking that Yoon Donghwan must be quite desperate to say such things to him, it felt awkward to cut off the conversation. Yoon Donghwan seemed to have let the words about having enough problems of his own go in one ear and out the other.
“Yeah, you’re right. Life is either death or survival anyway, right…?”
Perhaps because he often heard such extreme statements, Yoon Donghwan bringing up life and death so quickly felt very much like Yoon Donghwan. Taein only nodded slowly once at Yoon Donghwan, who seemed to have gained some confidence. Yoon Donghwan, as if he had made up his mind, turned his upper body to look for his drink glass. He definitely threw back the glass that had no contents left after taking a shot earlier. Somehow his actions seemed rushed and he seemed nervous for some reason. For just a moment, his legs also trembled briefly then stopped.
“It’s better to try once than to die.”
He said those words while looking at him.
“…Yes.”
It felt strange to seemingly have been the catalyst for someone’s new heart and new intention, but Taein answered “Yes” for now.
“Hey….”
“Yes.”
“I think I like you?”
It was such an ordinary tone that his true feelings were questionable. Like casually throwing out “I went somewhere today,” the words had no weight.
“……”
Before Taein could show any particular reaction, Yoon Donghwan continued talking.
“Haah… I’ve never done this kind of thing so I don’t even know if this is right. But hey… I’m too stressed to live like this. When you ask about every little thing ‘why are you doing this for me,’ ‘why,’ I don’t know how far I should make up reasons… I don’t know if going like this is right. Whether all the people on the street have done this fucking thing… whether I’m an idiot… ugh, fuck….”
Perhaps getting emotional while speaking, Yoon Donghwan avoided Taein’s eyes that he had been meeting and muttered “fuck.” The confession itself was sloppy, and Donghwan was unwise enough to end even that with profanity. While he had bold aspects in choices and decisions, when it came to matters of the heart, he couldn’t maintain his center despite his impressive build. He kept swaying. Yoon Donghwan had never deeply connected emotionally with anyone, so faced with sudden changes in his heart, he only acted like a child.
He had spent nights at the docks with sweaty Alpha bastards like merchants, and had lived in abandoned houses for nearly two months to handle work coming from China.
He had crawled and lived at rock bottom like that, but in front of Kang Taein, he started being fastidious about cleanliness he never had before. Using that as an excuse, he called Taein to the hotel bathroom and made excuses about bosses while beating around the bush about various things. That was the best he could do. It seemed like even feelings of fondness for Kang Taein shouldn’t be discovered. The moment they were discovered, it seemed like he would never show his face again. The distance that hadn’t even gotten close would obviously become much farther.
At least he could test his feelings with words that started as jokes like “Are you smitten?” “Why are you staring, is there something to see?”
The problem was that there was no particular progress.
There was no right answer in this area, and no technique was needed. Yoon Donghwan, who became more frustrated by this, started reading books he had never seen before and subtly asked people around him.
‘Hey, Daejeong. Have you ever liked someone?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Really? How did you feel then?’
‘How do you think? I just felt good. Why, hyung-nim? Is there someone who catches your eye?’
‘Catches my eye? What am I to have someone catch my eye or not?’
‘No, did you really find someone? Then you should have told me earlier. I could push hard for you. Where, who is it? It’s not Director An’s daughter we saw that time, is it? She’s not, well, she is pretty but….’
‘What are you picking and choosing to say? I don’t even remember who she is.’
‘Right? Whew, hyung-nim. My heart went cold. Thinking about serving that person as sister-in-law.’
‘Sister-in-law my ass. Even if things work out well, don’t say such things. It makes me feel more fucked up, man.’
‘Ah, yes.’
When he had brief moments to have such conversations with Daejeong, Donghwan was the only time during the day he felt happy. Rather, when he met Taein, nothing worked out and he would return more often with his insides torn to shreds. Fuck, this isn’t it? What am I supposed to do? He would get heated and angry, then repeat the same behavior again. Even if I were Kang Taein, I wouldn’t like this kind of bastard. Even after reflecting like that, he had nothing else he could do, so he kept returning to the same place.
Every time he confirmed that Kang Taein had no feelings for him, his temper flared. It was completely childish stubbornness. What good would regretting that do? The next day he would act like an idiot not knowing what to do again. With only such days piling up, his mouth became parched. He had finally brought Taein and the child to the hotel, but when Taein asked for reasons again, he answered like shit as before.
‘Stay here with the child until you adapt to work.’
‘…Why,’
‘What do you mean why? You said you had nowhere to go, so I’m trying to be generous. Is this reason enough?’
That damn reason. While there’s no reason for hearts to change, when you need to reveal it outwardly, reasons are necessary. Without even that reason, Kang Taein would avoid him. Yoon Donghwan naturally accepted this truth as if he had felt such emotions before. He had to keep hiding his feelings while giving even pathetic reasons like that.
Rising temper, alcohol, and treating Kang Taein’s perfectly reasonable words as hope made him say words he didn’t need to say.
Donghwan realized he had made a confession that didn’t even work only after getting angry for a while.
“Hey… forget it. Don’t keep today’s events in your heart. I was drunk and talking nonsense.”
After saying only that, Yoon Donghwan completely left the sofa. He put the jacket that had been hanging by the entrance back on his shoulders and went outside. He had hardly come into this hotel room originally, but now as if the owner had changed, Yoon Donghwan naturally left first. Taein sat on the sofa and only got up blankly after hearing the door sound. The door was already closed, and his legs had no strength.
Although Taein had drunk much less alcohol than Yoon Donghwan, he was drunk as well. Rather than having clear thoughts about what to do, he just blankly stared at what was happening right now. As time passed minute by minute, the alcohol spread more densely. Taein, who had been going back and forth between the bed where Eundo was lying and the sofa, fell asleep as if collapsing with the sofa right in front of him.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
