If only I had known it would be like this, I should have acknowledged it sooner.
A bitter smile played on his slightly swollen lips. Today’s events had made it clear. His feelings for Lucas were more than just attraction, and it was too late to deny that it wasn’t love.
He liked Luke Illum. So much that even the mere assumption of Lucas leaving his side made his whole body feel cold and drained of blood.
Finally ending his long wandering, Iberis fully accepted the emotion that had sprouted in his heart. As he did so, his insides churned, but for a different reason than before.
Just when did I start liking you?
Iberis examined the soundly sleeping Lucas with a complex expression. If it was going to end up like this anyway, why had he agonized and wavered all this time?
But if it weren’t for Carlos’s attack today, he probably still wouldn’t have acknowledged his attraction to the Captain. That made him feel even more sorry.
Lucas had declared he could wait as long as it took for Iberis to accept his confession, but that didn’t mean it was easy for him.
When you like someone, you become acutely aware of every little thing about them – their expressions, actions, and way of speaking.
The perceptive Lucas must have noticed Iberis’s wavering feelings. It was evident in how he had been watching Iberis’s reactions just moments ago. Though it was a fleeting moment, Iberis had read the anxiety created by the indefinite waiting and the fear of rejection in Lucas.
How often have you felt these emotions until now? How many times have you experienced moments where hope turned into disappointment?
Iberis’s grey eyes, clouded with guilt, wavered like waves. His heart grew heavy thinking about the emotional turmoil Lucas must have gone through due to his ambiguous attitude. His deliberation and hesitation, which he thought were for the Captain’s sake, must have been like cruel torture of hope for Lucas.
“Why do you…”
Why do you like someone like me and suffer so much? The question that rose to the tip of his tongue scattered in his mouth without being voiced. If he asked this, Lucas would surely become serious and scold him not to belittle himself.
He’d probably argue, “If you treat yourself so lowly, what does that make me who likes you?”
Imagining Lucas’s reaction, Iberis smiled unconsciously. It was fascinating how clearly he could picture what Lucas would say and what expression he would make. It was proof of how familiar he had become with Lucas.
‘Do you think the intelligent Captain wouldn’t know the risks of dating you, Major? Yet he confessed, right? That means he’s willing to accept whatever situation may arise.’
Suddenly, Brenda’s advice came to mind. It was not long after Lucas had confessed to him. Unable to find an answer on his own, he had consulted her, even resorting to a flimsy lie about an esper he knew.
‘From my perspective, he chose present happiness instead of running away out of fear of uncertain misfortune that might come in the future.’
Iberis’s expression darkened as he mulled over Brenda’s words. He wanted to guarantee Lucas not just present happiness, but future happiness as well. He hoped Lucas wouldn’t experience a sad farewell, and he didn’t want to be remembered as someone who left him behind.
However, that was a selfish desire and a cowardly evasion. As Brenda had said, Lucas had already prepared himself for everything when he confessed his feelings. Even foreseeing the possibility of a situation where he might have to let go of his loved one, he chose to continue loving instead of giving up his affection.
Yet, under the pretext of considering Lucas’s future, Iberis had been tormenting him in the present. It was truly a pathetic and foolish thing to do.
“82%…”
Iberis, his smile fading, fiddled with the portable tester in his hand. This crucial juncture, just 1% away from the 83% required by the committee for an official pair, was similar to his situation of being just one step away from becoming Lucas’s lover.
Matching rates tend to increase as the physical and psychological distance between an esper and a guide decreases. Iberis speculated that the halt in their steadily rising matching rate at 82% might be his fault.
While unable to decide whether to become Luke Illum’s lover or remain colleagues, he had been constantly worried about whether it was right to become an official pair like this. He thought this reluctance might have unconsciously affected their matching rate.
‘I wish you would focus only on your feelings, like Captain Illum, without thinking about anything else, Major.’
‘I’d like you to think about whether you’d be happy with him or not, instead of worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, Major.’
But now the deliberation was over. Iberis decided to focus solely on his feelings, as Brenda had advised.
Clatter.
After placing the tester back on the bedside table, Iberis gently leaned towards Lucas. Perhaps because of the rain, the sound of raindrops incessantly hitting the window suddenly brought back memories of the memorial service.
‘If you don’t know how to be happy no matter what… why don’t you try finding a way together with me instead of worrying alone?’
‘I’m not an idiot who confesses without the determination to take responsibility for the happiness of the person I like.’
That day, for the first time in a very long time, Iberis felt like he wanted to live. A will to live that he didn’t have even when he received his terminal diagnosis sprouted in his heart through his conversation with Lucas.
But that was as far as it went. While he gained the motivation to live, Iberis was still pessimistic about a hopeful future. He knew his own body best. Although his condition had improved dramatically since receiving guidance from Lucas, it wasn’t yet at a stage where they could discuss a complete cure. He could just live a little longer than the doctors’ prognosis.
In fact, Iberis was quite satisfied with just that. Wasn’t he living much healthier now, two seasons after being told he had 1.5 to 3 years left at most? It was a change that would shock the doctors who had given him the terminal diagnosis. This in itself was already nothing short of a miracle.
But Lucas was different. As if to prove his determination, he wasn’t satisfied with even the dramatic improvement and made efforts in various ways for Iberis’s treatment. Not stopping there, he also wanted Iberis to be as ambitious as himself.
Gradually, Iberis’s heart began to change as well. Responding to this, the will to live that Lucas had planted grew day by day. At some point, it formed a bud.
‘I’ll definitely cure you completely, for my own happiness too.’
‘Your story isn’t over yet, Major. As I said earlier, your ending can still change in any way.’
Could it really change? A faint anxiety settled in Iberis’s eyes as he gazed at Lucas breathing evenly. When he received his terminal diagnosis, he thought the end of his story had finally approached. Some might call a terminal illness a sad ending, but he didn’t agree at the time. For Iberis, death was akin to liberation.
That’s how exhausted and lethargic he had become. Some might ask why an S-class esper was so weak, or how someone with such power and wealth could live so foolishly, but for Iberis, just enduring each day was overwhelming.
During his over 10 years in the defense force, Iberis lived in solitude like a remote island. Those who approached him with pure goodwill were extremely rare, while those who only sought him out when needed were abundant.
At 15, when he first went on a mission, he was too young to judge right from wrong on his own, but Iberis had to become an adult forcibly. Not knowing who to trust, he just lived like a machine, carrying out given tasks.
Before he knew it, he had become complacent in that position, and became afraid of challenging new things. Like an animal tamed to not leave the fence even when unleashed, he felt his current situation was unreasonable but couldn’t muster the courage to change it. After the worst outcome from his rare attempt at taking action, he became even more passive.
He thought his life wouldn’t change until death, but then Lucas appeared. And as if by magic, everything changed.
“Will you really cure me?”
Knowing Lucas wouldn’t answer, Iberis found himself asking out loud anyway. He thought he had no lingering attachment to life, but being with Lucas made him want to live more and more.
Despite experiencing many times how futile it is to harbor impossible hopes, knowing that greater expectations lead to greater disappointments, Iberis wanted to believe in the person named ‘Luke Illum’. So he decided to make a selfish choice for the first time.
Tok, todok.
At that moment, he felt as if something burst in his chest. It was the sound of a lush bud stretching open and blooming into a flower.
Ah.
A sound, unclear whether a sigh or exclamation, escaped between his slightly parted lips. Following his blossoming heart, something hot welled up in his chest. Iberis bit his trembling lips, trying to swallow the sob rising to his throat. Unable to overcome the surging emotions, his eyes grew moist and his nose tingled.
I want to live, by your side for a long, long time.
Iberis whispered this wish inwardly as he gently kissed Lucas’s forehead. Now that he was aware of his feelings, he was impatient to convey his heart as soon as possible.
However, he couldn’t just wake up a sleeping person. Moreover, there was still something to be resolved. He looked down at his right foot, which had been strangely aching. As he recalled the Name hidden in his sock, his clear gray eyes darkened and turned ashen.
Straightening his upper body that had been leaning towards Lucas, Iberis firmly gripped his right ankle with a resolute face. He planned to reveal about the Name tomorrow. And…
‘I don’t want to burden you, Major. I originally had no intention of confessing my feelings. I’m telling you because I think you’ll find out anyway during guiding. And I’m not entirely comfortable just begging you to accept my confession.’
‘I joined the defense force for a specific purpose. Because of that, I’m inevitably deceiving those around me. This is all I can tell you for now. I’m sorry.’
Now he needed to know what secret Lucas held. That was necessary to move forward. Having made his decision, Iberis gazed at the deeply sleeping Lucas with unwavering eyes before slowly lying down. Then he gently nestled into Lucas’s embrace.
Even in his sleep, Lucas hugged Iberis. It was a natural and familiar action, as if it had become completely ingrained in his body.
Feeling the warmth enveloping him comfortably, Iberis slowly closed his eyes. His heart was pounding with excitement and worry about tomorrow, making it seem unlikely he’d fall asleep easily. In the end, he was only able to close his eyes after the rain stopped and morning came.
