Delusive Fate

#135

Ki Baek-woo continued to try to think.

Don’t do anything. Lee Han-sol said so. He looked at Ki Baek-woo with a dry gaze, like someone who had forgotten how to expect. His voice, which seemed to have been burned out, was sincere. “You don’t need to think about things from the past,” he said in a low voice. Following those words was the implication not to do anything inappropriate, and his gaze slightly avoided Ki Baek-woo.

Just live as it’s predetermined.

The words that remained vividly in his memory haunted Ki Baek-woo. At the time he heard those words, he didn’t think deeply about them. He was momentarily caught up in the faint hope that Lee Han-sol might pretend to be defeated by him. In moments when anxiety overtook expectation, the urge to take Lee Han-sol, who was alive and breathing right in front of him, to a place where no one knew, a space only he could open, surged in his mind. If he could place him in a space where only he could open the door, it would be wonderful, and then there would be nothing more to worry about… Unhealthy desires rushed in.

And soon, an extreme thought surged. To lock him up. Since there was no way he could do such a thing to Lee Han-sol, perhaps he should just die right in front of him. If he died in front of Lee Han-sol, could it become a terrible trauma? Could he, like his days were filled with Lee Han-sol and his death, also occupy all of Lee Han-sol’s consciousness? His entire mind was consumed by the thought of possessing him. Because of that, his mind wasn’t functioning properly.

That day, Ki Baek-woo despised himself for not being able to stop such desires even in a situation where he should be seeking forgiveness.

“Leave me alone…”

As he watched Lee Han-sol’s back quickly moving away after those words, he felt dizzy. The moment he faced him, his breath opened up, but as soon as he saw his back, the world darkened as if it were a lie. The fact that his life and death were all in Lee Han-sol’s hands was desolately felt. Therefore, no matter what, he had to be by his side. So, Ki Baek-woo had no time to question the strangeness of the words Lee Han-sol left behind.

“As it’s predetermined…”

What is predetermined? Is it Ki Baek-woo betraying Lee Han-sol? Or is it his mind being controlled to do so? Or is it that he’s repeating it to the point of nausea…? Or does it mean that all these miserable, cruel, and bizarrely artificial situations, which cannot be explained by logic, are already predetermined? Like fate.

That can’t be.

Ki Baek-woo wanted to deny it. There was no way such a thing was his fate. He had already decided his own fate a long time ago. It was the moment he wanted to greet Lee Han-sol, even if he had to squeeze out the courage he didn’t have, in the apartment hallway where he first met him. That was when Ki Baek-woo decided Lee Han-sol as his fate. It was a decision he made himself. It was a fact like a habit that had been going on since his early childhood, which he couldn’t remember well, and it had been too long to fix. The idea that something unknown could change that at will was absurd.

“It’s not like controlling a game character, it’s really a ridiculous thought…”

But beyond that, things that defied common sense continued to happen. Ki Baek-woo slowly organized his revived memories. There were repeating times, his self being overwritten like data being overwritten from a certain point, and Lee Han-sol’s presence gradually being forgotten… And there was one more thing, Jung Yi-dam.

It was unbelievably unreal, but it was clear. The moment Jung Yi-dam appeared. The great rumored protagonist of the S-class healer walks into the central center conference room, and the moment Ki Baek-woo’s gaze brushes past him. That moment is the command prompt of this bizarre event.

Ki Baek-woo’s mind begins to darken from that moment. A script is overlaid on top of his normally thinking brain, and his nerve cells calmly give commands like reading a prepared script. Then Ki Baek-woo’s body moves like a machine following the instructions. His legs walk towards Jung Yi-dam, his arms move for Jung Yi-dam. In front of Jung Yi-dam, his heart pounds excessively as if being forcibly injected with blood. It’s a speed similar to falling in love. Ki Baek-woo is confused.

Why is my heart like this?

It’s only like this in front of Han-sol hyung, so why in front of this man, Jung Yi-dam? I have no feelings for this man, rather something unpleasant… The thoughts of the ‘original Ki Baek-woo’ flowing unconsciously are naturally transformed.

‘It wasn’t like this even in front of Han-sol hyung, so why in front of this man, Jung Yi-dam? What is this feeling I have for this man, or rather something more intense…’

Ki Baek-woo becomes more and more accustomed to that process and forgets the original Ki Baek-woo. Lee Han-sol, who was all of the original Ki Baek-woo, is also forgotten together. It’s unbelievable, but he truly forgets purely. It was really strange. Ki Baek-woo clearly knew Lee Han-sol. He knew in detail what that name meant, like calculating a math problem, like reading an encyclopedia.

Lee Han-sol is the neighbor hyung who took care of me when I was young. I liked him, thought it was love, and we met. But now, he’s just a remnant of the past that interferes with my relationship with Jung Yi-dam. A bothersome existence. A foolish man who clings stubbornly because he can’t accept a single farewell. A jerk who pretends to be a victim by taking my childhood hostage, even though he’s not that great.

Even though he knew so much in detail, Ki Baek-woo couldn’t grasp who Lee Han-sol was. If someone asked about Lee Han-sol, his thoughts became opaque as if veiled. Lee Han-sol is the neighbor hyung who took care of me when I was young. I liked him, thought it was love, but who are you to look for Lee Han-sol from me. Who is Lee Han-sol.

No matter how accustomed he became to the reversed state after meeting Jung Yi-dam, only the things about Lee Han-sol were continuously chaotic. Every time he heard Lee Han-sol’s name from somewhere, he felt like his body and soul were separated and floating.

And he dreams. Dreams of Lee Han-sol. Even in his dreams, Ki Baek-woo doesn’t know Lee Han-sol. A person he’s seeing for the first time is sitting alone in a huge space. Looking at him, he feels an inexplicable sadness because he’s so pretty and lovely. That’s Lee Han-sol, but Ki Baek-woo doesn’t recognize him. Lee Han-sol smiles without knowing anything. Even the small movement of his lips rising is ecstatic, Ki Baek-woo thinks. It’s a moving scene that makes his heart ache even in a dream. And an unknown anxiety comes.

Why is this person smiling like that? Does he know who I am and smile? Does he smile like that to anyone? Then anyone would fall in love with him. Why am I angry.

Something’s wrong. Don’t smile like that. It’s scary because it looks like flowers are blooming. You’re so pretty that if you open up like that, everyone will try to find honey from you. Don’t do that, give yourself only to me… You’re mine…

In the dream, Ki Baek-woo rushes to Lee Han-sol and kisses him.

I want to see you. I want to see you even though you’re right in front of me. Who are you, why do I feel like this?

Ki Baek-woo’s large hand tightly holds Lee Han-sol’s small face and doesn’t let go. He sucks on the small tongue like he’s starving and drinks the saliva. He presses his chin to open the man’s mouth and pushes his saliva in. He strokes the long neck to check if he swallows it. The sensation of the Adam’s apple moving was thrillingly pleasant.

Such dreams repeat every day. He yearns for the unknown man in the illusion every day. And when he opens his eyes, he meets Jung Yi-dam as if he’s an input value, becomes more intimate, and Ki Baek-woo feels no excitement in such things but is happy. His heart feels empty but is fervent. The continuation of a paradoxical state.

Some time later, an unprecedented gate of S-class, or higher difficulty, appears. Lee Han-sol dies. Ki Baek-woo feels like wringing his own neck, but at the same time, he doesn’t care. He smashes the gate core and kisses Jung Yi-dam. The mixing of saliva feels disgusting. Nevertheless, he confesses. He says he wants to be together forever.

Ki Baek-woo, to Jung Yi-dam.

It’s a ridiculous situation that’s not even funny. But such an unrealistic thing was happening in reality, and it almost happened again this time. If Lee Han-sol hadn’t tried to leave him, Ki Baek-woo would have been trapped in that awkward situation again. The sense of crisis of being abandoned was stronger than the unknown existence, and the fact that Lee Han-sol was fed up with him was stronger than the stubborn command stuck in his head, so he was able to come to his senses.

Ki Baek-woo didn’t stop thinking. There must be something that made him and Lee Han-sol like this. It might be interfering with the fate he set for himself and playing with it as it pleases. He had to find out what it was. He had to find out what it was and definitely kill and eliminate it.

The unknown existence. Whatever its identity, he vowed to himself that he would eliminate it in the most vulgar and cruel way he could.

Lee Han-sol, who was like the spring sun shining down, has now become a person who can’t expect anything. There was no way he could forgive the one who made him like that. The ugly existence trying to cut him out of Lee Han-sol, even if it were all of humanity, deserved to die painfully.

Ki Baek-woo struggled to piece together the few things he knew. Jung Yi-dam, who seemed to know everything, acting like a god judging Ki Baek-woo. He tenaciously rummaged through the many words he spewed out and scraped together clues.