#130
“Don’t touch me!”
Ki Baek-woo’s hand reached out urgently to catch him as he was about to fall. With a slapping sound of painful skin-to-skin friction, that hand was mercilessly pushed away. Ppomi, who had sprung up as if startled, joined in by barking fiercely at Ki Baek-woo. Lee Han-sol trembled like a cornered mouse as he shouted.
“You did the same thing back then! You pushed me away with those hands so many times! You pushed me to die! You!”
“No, no that’s not it!”
“What do you mean it’s not! I just needed to be told one thing, if you’d just told me why you hated me…! But you hated even that and pushed me away! I died because of you! You killed me, it’s creepy, it makes me sick, you cowardly betrayer, trash, murderer!”
“I, I… hyung… that’s not what I… how could I, to you hyung, I…!”
“Shut up! Because of you, I, I!”
Lee Han-sol took heavy, panting breaths. Ki Baek-woo sobbed quietly with a face that looked like he might die at any moment. He kept shaking his head, his lips moving frantically. Lee Han-sol absolutely did not want to know what those helpless gestures meant. He glared at Ki Baek-woo with burning rage. He gritted his teeth and consciously made his eyes fiercer and fiercer. He wanted to frighten Ki Baek-woo. He hoped that he would flee in terror, that he would disappear from his sight somehow. Suddenly, his vision rippled as if water had been splashed on it.
What’s this all of a sudden? Is it raining? Before he could judge what was happening, tears began to roll down from Lee Han-sol’s eyes.
“H-hyung. Don’t, why, don’t cry… I was wrong, I…”
Ki Baek-woo trembled and muttered, “Please.” Stumbling half a half-step forward, not knowing what to do, Ki Baek-woo then awkwardly knelt down and said, “Don’t cry, hyung, I’m sorry, don’t cry. Don’t cry…” begging while crying himself, ridiculously enough. Lee Han-sol felt his strength drain instantly, as if rolling off a cliff.
I’m really sick of this. How long do I have to keep crying and getting angry and struggling for someone to understand how I feel? I begged for so long for you to come to me, and now I have to beg you to leave me alone, to let me be by myself? What rhythm am I supposed to follow? When I’m with you, my beating heart stops, and my stopped heart beats too fast. My feelings jump all over the place and can’t be pinned down, and what was calm becomes a jumble and makes me dizzy. I can’t possibly be at peace when you’re around. You suck my emotions like a leech. Look at you now, you’re making me use up even the crumbs of my heart that had all dried up. You manipulate me and confuse me as you please. You make me shout and lash out. Do you know how hard this is? I just want to be quiet now. I don’t want to struggle to do anything anymore.
“Baek-woo. All this time I’ve really, hyung’s really had a hard time…”
“…Sorry, I’m sorry… hyung, I was wrong, it’s all my fault.”
“I’ve had such a hard time… why are you doing this now… why are you remembering such things now… why are you asking for forgiveness, why are you really doing this…”
I thought I would never forgive you. I thought if you wanted forgiveness, you should become as miserable as me. Be sad twenty-five times, struggle in vain, and finally resign yourself. And die. Die as much as I died. If you suffer exactly as much as I suffered, if you show that much sincerity, I’ll forgive you generously. Because there’s no way you could ever be like that, so I could hate you forever.
And I thought this:
Until now, I lived to survive with you, making you my hope. I endured because I liked you. But now you’re gone, and I can’t live like that anymore. So I must somehow remove you from my heart, and from now on, I’ll live by hating you. Because my whole life was you, if I cut you out completely, I’m certain I’ll collapse, unable to handle the hole. So instead of a Ki Baek-woo I like, I’ll fill the gaping mark with a Ki Baek-woo I hate and somehow endure. I somehow concluded that I had to live like that…
That’s how I became the current Lee Han-sol. I barely managed that.
But Ki Baek-woo, who without Lee Han-sol knowing had already died twenty-five times following him, has finally remembered the past and come all the way here looking like he might die at any moment, tired from suffering, to ask for Lee Han-sol’s forgiveness.
He asks him to forgive. Lee Han-sol resented Ki Baek-woo to an astonishing degree. Why are you doing this to me…
“Do you know how hard I tried to get to this point… how hard I tried to get used to living like this…!”
But why are you making me do something difficult again? You haven’t been like this all this time. So I struggled to become who I am now. I tried to become someone who detests you, thinking only of that. Do you think I wanted to do that? I had no choice. Because all this time, you never did this, not even once. You acted like you never would, that’s just how this world was… So why now…
“Now you say you want forgiveness.”
After hysterically pressing him, then freezing in shock, Lee Han-sol’s voice eventually came out softly, empty. An expression like an empty shell with no enthusiasm left.
“I can’t do it. I have no strength left… I don’t want to do anything, Baek-woo.”
“…Hyung, please, hyung…”
“I can’t do it, so you should just forget too. There’s no need to remember the past. Why did you have to remember such things? Just like before, pretend you don’t know anything. Don’t act out of character, Baek-woo. Just live as predetermined.”
“Hyung, I was wrong. I didn’t know anything until now, even now, I still don’t know well, what all this is, how all this happened, I’m not sure. I’m sorry for not knowing, but what I really wanted to do to you, hyung, I can’t live without you, I tried not to be like this too, because of me you… I tried to endure because of that…! Hyung, please…”
“I just want to live like this. This way I won’t feel wronged even if I die, just… accepting everything as it is… You’re garbage I can’t associate with, a cowardly traitor, a pathetic son of a bitch who doesn’t know loyalty. I’ll just keep thinking that way and live… Don’t ask me to think differently now. I don’t want anything new anymore…”
Ki Baek-woo, kneeling on the cold, dirty ground, stares blankly up at Lee Han-sol.
“Now I don’t care if I die, I barely got to this point so don’t make me do anything more… Just tell me to die…”
Ki Baek-woo crawled on his knees to the feet of Lee Han-sol, who whispered with a face as tired as someone with a terminal illness. Then, covering Lee Han-sol’s blue-tinged toes with his hand, he asked as if begging.
“Why should you, why should you die… The one who should die… is me… ah… Yes, hyung, should I, should I die?”
“What…?”
“You’ve had a hard time. Because I’m a stupid bastard who didn’t know anything, it’s all because of me…! But you said you don’t want to as-associate with me anymore… So instead of you, I’ll punish myself. I now kn-know what I did to you. So as much as possible, exactly as I did to you… I’ll do that to myself. I’ll die. What do you think?”
“Die…?”
“Yes, I, I’ll die as much as you died. Because I was so, so bad to you, and made you like that… I’ll die and come back. I’ll die even more than that. You kill me. Do that.”
Ki Baek-woo looked up at Lee Han-sol, raising his long eyelashes entangled with tears. His moist black pupils were pitiful like an abandoned well.
“You kill me, kill me as much as you hate me, do whatever you want until your anger is gone. Until your anger is gone, do that… Please do that…”
You don’t have to forgive me. I, I won’t say that anymore. I’m sorry, I was wrong. Hyung, I’m naturally stupid, you know. You know I’m so inadequate I would have died long ago without you. So, so I dared to ask for for-forgiveness… Just do whatever you want until your anger is gone, and just let me stay beside you, please… I was really wrong. I won’t make excuses. Jung Yi-dam… that bastard Jung Yi-dam is right, I’m trash. How could I do that to you? No matter what happened, I shouldn’t have done that, so hyung, don’t forgive me, just do whatever you want with me. Take revenge. And just let me stay beside you, please…? I really can’t live without you, I’m sorry, this is disgusting, I’m wrong, hyung I’m so wrong, just let me stay beside you, please…
Even saying this… I’m really sorry… But without you, I’m really nothing…
Lee Han-sol quietly looked down at Ki Baek-woo, who was begging with his forehead rubbing against his knees. He looked at his thin back. It seemed strange how easily he could say to kill him until his anger was gone. It was horrifying how simple it was for him to say Lee Han-sol could do whatever he wanted with him as much as Lee Han-sol had died. This crazy world, this hellish system made him sick to his stomach. The fact that everything felt frightening at this moment because it was all broken, that everything from head to toe was a mess and he couldn’t even figure out what to do… it was nauseatingly miserable. Jung Yi-dam’s voice, implanted near Lee Han-sol’s meninges, plays again.
You only pity yourself. You think only you are wronged, only you suffer, only you are pitiful.
You think only you died.
You selfish bastard.
Lee Han-sol takes a step back. Ki Baek-woo pitifully lowered his head and his shoulders trembled.
I hate this, I won’t forgive you. I won’t do that. After everything I’ve endured, to end so emptily like this…
Lee Han-sol took another hesitant step back. I absolutely don’t want to say that you’ve already died as much as me so I should forgive you, that was my condition for forgiveness. I’m only now saying that I pity myself…
Lee Han-sol’s confused, distant gaze turned behind him. He wanted to flee somewhere immediately. Anywhere without Ki Baek-woo seemed fine. He wanted to go home. Yes, let’s go home. Not our home with Ki Baek-woo, but a home with only me. The anxious Lee Han-sol hurriedly picked up Ppomi.
“Hyung, hyung please.”
“Go.”
“Don’t go, hyung. I’ll die. If you can’t do it, I can do it myself, hyung just give me one chance… I’ll never, never do it again, just once…”
“Go, just go. Don’t do anything. I hate you the most in the world.”
Don’t come looking for me either. Leave me alone.
Lee Han-sol turned around and walked. He ran. He just wanted to escape that moment.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
