#124
“Betrayal?”
“They completely stabbed me in the back. We’d been together from then until now.”
Choi Tae-hyun pondered for a moment with an “hmm” at Lee Han-sol’s unexpected question.
“Did I really like the friend who betrayed me?”
Lee Han-sol seemed to hesitate a bit before nodding and saying, “Yeah.” Then, with a strangely solemn expression, he continued, “I liked them fucking much.” Choi Tae-hyun stared blankly at Lee Han-sol. Han-sol, who seemed to be waiting for a response, suddenly appeared to realize something and his face crumpled with irritation. Choi Tae-hyun found it somewhat fascinating how Lee Han-sol’s normally somewhat aloof eye corners suddenly sharpened fiercely. Lee Han-sol’s protruding lips mumbled:
“Let’s just say it’s a friend I really fucking liked. Yo.”
He must be talking about himself. Choi Tae-hyun, having caught on, laughed silently. He had been suspicious of the random question from the beginning, but it really was about himself. Choi Tae-hyun was touched that his efforts to get closer to Lee Han-sol hadn’t been in vain. Lee Han-sol was a fully grown adult man, and was even the same age as Choi Tae-hyun’s gloomy younger brother, Choi Tae-hyuk. Choi Tae-hyun thought it was a bit funny how happy he felt that such a man had subtly brought up his own story. It was quite a fresh experience. He guessed that he probably hadn’t been this excited since he first made a friend when he was very young.
Anyway, who could have betrayed our Han-sol…? It was just as Choi Tae-hyun was wondering if that might be why Lee Han-sol had become like a hedgehog with all its spines raised, when Lee Han-sol, having become hysterical in the meantime, snapped:
“But is that important? What does liking someone have to do with betrayal?”
“It’s extremely important. You know what you always say, Han-sol.”
“What do I always say? Yo.”
“You always say it’s fine if everyone on Earth hates you. Because you hated them all much earlier. So it doesn’t matter to you, you’re always saying that.”
Using the term ‘betrayal’ means you felt betrayed. That means you had expectations for that person.
As Choi Tae-hyun spoke calmly, Ppomi approached with the moist breathing sound unique to dogs, panting. She was carrying her favorite yellow rubber ball in her mouth. Choi Tae-hyun took it and threw it far, continuing his words.
“Who would have expectations for someone they don’t care about? Right?”
Saying you were betrayed means you were hurt. But Han-sol, people only get hurt by those they like. As you always say, you don’t care if someone you dislike or have no interest in hates you or not.
The sound of Ppomi’s nails hitting the floor—tuk-tuk-tuk, tuk-tuk-tuk—as she ran back with the ball momentarily interrupted Choi Tae-hyun’s casual tone.
“If someone I don’t even like turns their back on me… I don’t think I’d feel anything. In fact, I probably wouldn’t even notice whether that person was distancing themselves from me or not. That’s how I see it, anyway.”
Choi Tae-hyun held Ppomi in his arms and took one of her fluffy front paws, waving it at Lee Han-sol.
“Of course, if our cute Ppomi suddenly said, ‘Hey, Choi Tae-hyun, I’m sick of you. I’m leaving to find another owner, goodbye,’ I’d be incredibly sad. Because I love Ppomi more than anything in the world.”
“Ppomi.”
“Huh?”
Choi Tae-hyun and Lee Han-sol were sitting side by side on the living room floor, leaning their backs against the sofa. Lee Han-sol, who had only been occasionally glancing sideways at Choi Tae-hyun without looking at him directly, now turned his head to face him.
“If Ppomi betrayed you, you’d resent her too. That’s only natural. Then for how long? Forever, until you die, even after death?”
“Resent? Ppomi?”
“You said you love her more than anything in the world. If you gave her the best food, took her for walks every day, treated her so well, loved her more than anything, and then she just left, you’d feel the same way. Right? You’d curse her every day, saying ‘I hate fucking traitors like you, just die’? No, that’s too bland. It’s too bland. So…”
“To Ppomi…?”
“Ppomi, because of you, I hate everything like you. So you and others like you, all hold hands nicely and just disappear. Lord of the Sea, Buddha, I offer my fucking useless soul, misfortune to all dogs and animals in this world, extinction! Amen! I will never forgive traitors. Don’t ever show up in front of me again, because I never want to think about someone like you, don’t even think about hanging around me! I hope you get betrayed like I did. Keep getting betrayed over and over and over until you die and end up locked in a mental hospital. Please!”
“Uh…”
“What do you think, landlord? Does this sound about right? So you’d pray like this, setting out water. That’s the least you should do for things to be even. Since you loved them more than anything in the world and they ruined it all, you should curse them at least this much. Right?”
Lee Han-sol spoke at length, as if arguing his case. His pupils wandered here and there. His gaze moved toward Choi Tae-hyun’s eyes, then, as if suffering from eye contact phobia, quickly shifted elsewhere, looking at Choi Tae-hyun’s well-groomed nose, then toward his ear. Lee Han-sol’s unstable gaze made Choi Tae-hyun feel somewhat subdued. Who is it? He wondered.
Who betrayed Lee Han-sol? Who hurt this person so much that it made Lee Han-sol afraid of all people? Was there a reason someone had to push Lee Han-sol into such obsessive resentment? Who could it be?
‘Could it really be Hunter Ki Baek-woo…’
Choi Tae-hyun recalled bits and pieces of what Lee Han-sol had said over time. Lee Han-sol once sobbing as if he might break, completely drunk. At that time, Lee Han-sol repeatedly said with slurred pronunciation that he hated traitors. As if pleading for someone to believe him. He said he hated traitors, hated him, hated everything, that it had been too painful. He said he had resolved never to forgive, but that he kept thinking of him.
My thoughts won’t stop… I feel like I might go to him. I feel like I might just give up everything… I don’t want to do that, I wish nobody would be happy… He doesn’t like me. He says he hates me. Everyone hates me… I’m a terrible bastard… What should I do? Tell me… Tell me, please…
Choi Tae-hyun clearly remembered Lee Han-sol pronouncing the name Ki Baek-woo over and over with a voice wet with tears. And on that day when he was fighting with Choi Tae-hyuk. Lee Han-sol was no different that day.
Am I living easy? What did I do to Ki Baek-woo? What do you know to come all the way here and act crazy! Who asked you to talk about Ki Baek-woo? Did I ask you about Ki Baek-woo? Do I have to suffer from you too? Who are you to talk about Ki Baek-woo in front of me!
Lee Han-sol’s reddened face and neck as he screamed in indignation. His moist, flickering eyes, not knowing how to handle himself, at a loss. The name Ki Baek-woo that he shouted painfully, as if his mouth hurt with each vowel and consonant of that name…
Choi Tae-hyun did hear the whole story about Lee Han-sol and Ki Baek-woo from Choi Tae-hyuk that day. That the two had been in a relationship, that Lee Han-sol suddenly disappeared one day, and that Ki Baek-woo couldn’t live a normal life at all because of it.
Choi Tae-hyun thought that wasn’t the whole story. Just that much couldn’t explain Lee Han-sol’s depression. So he had been waiting for Lee Han-sol to tell his own story directly. He could have asked first, but he didn’t want to appear as someone who treated Lee Han-sol’s story as gossip. Lee Han-sol, who had shouted “Are you also trying to spread rumors about me to others?”, looked so unhappy. Choi Tae-hyun wanted to give him trust. Not everyone is like that, look at me, I’ll never hurt you. He wanted to show him that. To do so, Choi Tae-hyun unconsciously made an effort not to ask anything or pretend to know, and just waited quietly.
But Lee Han-sol ultimately didn’t say anything, and Choi Tae-hyun still didn’t know anything. Only now could he guess from the story Lee Han-sol had hinted at indirectly.
Ki Baek-woo betrayed Lee Han-sol. Deeply hurt by this, Lee Han-sol came to hate Ki Baek-woo and the entire human race, Ki Baek-woo’s kind, equally. He intends to blame and hate them until death and even after death. An enormous resentment. Having thought this, Choi Tae-hyun suddenly wondered.
Then is Lee Han-sol unable to stop this resentment… or does he believe he should never stop it, that it’s only fair to continue?
Choi Tae-hyun slowly opened his mouth.
“No. I’d just resent her for about three days and then stop.”
“…What?”
Lee Han-sol’s brow furrowed and his eyes widened. Tense eyes. An ambiguous gaze filled with disbelief, either perplexed or shocked, was directed at Choi Tae-hyun. “Why…?” he asked quietly. Choi Tae-hyun turned his body to look straight at Lee Han-sol.
“Because I was happy and had a good time living with Ppomi.”
“But in the end, she destroyed all that good time. Give me medicine, give me disease, then I’m ultimately a patient!”
“That’s true, but… hating someone is a really exhausting thing to do. The energy consumption is enormous. Do you know why Han-sol is still all bones despite me feeding you so diligently?”
“…Why are you suddenly talking about my weight! Yo!”
“Han-sol hates everything too much. You don’t like anything at all. That’s why you don’t have a chance to gain weight, I’m telling you.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
Choi Tae-hyun smiled a little as he placed Ppomi in Lee Han-sol’s arms while he was being irritable.
“Shakespeare said that the betrayed are wounded by betrayal, but the betrayer is placed in an even more miserable state.”
“……”
“But when you think about it, that’s right. Water is something that gets spilled. The betrayer is the person who overturned the cup, and the betrayed is the water. Who would blame the water for that? It’s the spiller’s fault. So the water, which did nothing wrong, just needs to flow as it can and wait for time to pass. There’s no need to do anything until all the bad memories evaporate. But the person who spilled must take responsibility for the situation. Because the water can’t be picked up, and the cup is broken. Right?”
“…I don’t know.”
“It’s that person’s job to clean the wet floor because of the flowing water, and it’s that person’s job to cut their hand on glass fragments while cleaning up the cup. On a day when they think they’ve cleaned everything up and let their guard down, it’s also that person’s job to cut their foot on tiny glass fragments that remained somewhere.”
“……”
“Even if it seems fine at first, the betrayer ultimately has guilt left, and it gets harder as time goes on. Because they’re the perpetrator. There’s no need to go through the trouble of resenting someone who will naturally end up that way without me doing anything. As you can see from me lounging around at home all day, I don’t really like difficult things.”
So I’ll only hate and be sad about our Ppomi for exactly three days. Then, from the fourth day, I’ll only have memories of the good days when I was happy with Ppomi. But if I resent her until I die….
Lee Han-sol hugged Ppomi tightly. With his cheek resting on her warm back, he was silent, and it was uncertain what he was thinking. Because his gaze into empty space looked somehow lonely, Choi Tae-hyun reached out to stroke Ppomi to get his attention. Ppomi’s tail was wagging gently.
“Wouldn’t you just end up thinking about why you hate them until you die? Then it’s the same as suffering the feeling of being betrayed every day until that time comes. That’s too unfair, isn’t it?”
“…What a great Confucius we have here.”
Lee Han-sol was sarcastic but seemed confused. Choi Tae-hyun gazed at him steadily. He wanted to say only good things to him. Since Lee Han-sol seemed to have heard plenty of bad things all this time, Choi Tae-hyun thought it would be nice if he could now hear only unreasonably positive things.
“Han-sol. Betrayal isn’t only bad.”
Lee Han-sol jerked his head up. An expression full of fear and doubt. His pupils were clear and black like the night sea, and they seemed about to overflow with something. Choi Tae-hyun blinked slowly, like greeting a cat, and continued.
“Do you know ‘The Little Prince’? It’s my favorite book.”
“……”
“The author of ‘The Little Prince’ is Saint-Exupéry. He said something—that truly good human relationships aren’t just good. They become most perfect when you spend difficult times together, turn away from each other and go astray because of painful events, and then eventually reconcile and feel each other’s hearts.”
If Ppomi looks for another owner… I’d be sad, but that’s okay. When Ppomi regrets it and comes back someday, that’s when we become a perfect relationship. Since we’ve experienced it once, it won’t happen a second time. Of course, Ppomi and I are already sufficiently good as we are.
After a long silence, Lee Han-sol eventually muttered in a grumpy voice:
Acting like you know everything is really fucking annoying…
Like that.
***
It was 10 PM, and the sky was dark. Lee Han-sol was walking through the neighborhood entrance, dragging his slippers, following Ppomi who walked ahead.
Recently, Lee Han-sol and Choi Tae-hyun had been living almost like Ppomi’s co-parents. Lee Han-sol visited Choi Tae-hyun’s house every day. After playing hard all day to keep his mind empty, eating a proper dinner, and then returning home late, he always had Ppomi in his arms. This had become a routine since Choi Tae-hyun started playing the “new daddy” game. Every time it got dark outside, Choi Tae-hyun would always ask:
“Han-sol, do you want to stay over tonight?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
