Delusive Fate

#123

“Han-sol, why are you suddenly like this? Did I do something wrong? I’ll apologize on Tae-hyuk’s behalf. I’ve prepared a lot because I wanted to apologize…!”

“You like apologies. I won’t accept that. I’m not interested enough in you to exchange such things. I’ll be vacating the room too, so figure it out yourself.”

“The room, what does that, no, Han-sol, wait a moment. Let’s talk.”

“Do you have some fucking habit of making people repeat themselves three times? We won’t meet again anyway, so there’s no need for refined things like conversation. Try to stop me one more time. I’ll kill you.”

Choi Tae-hyun opened his eyes wide, released Han-sol’s arm he was holding, and blocked his path.

“What do you mean we won’t meet again? You’re not coming to my house anymore? Why?”

“There’s a limit to how much I can tolerate for Ppomi’s sake. Get lost.”

“I, I made so many plans to play with Han-sol yesterday…! You said you liked that there were many things to do at my house. There will be even more things to play with… Can’t you just keep coming? Don’t move out either. Can’t you come in and tell me why you’re angry?”

Han-sol was incredulous. He thought it was disgusting how persistently this person was clinging to him despite pretending to be nice and kind. Baek-woo was like that, Yi-dam was like that, and now Tae-hyun in front of him—they were all disgusting. Are all these people who pretend to be gentle actually this frighteningly different on the inside? Han-sol gritted his molars.

“Hey, am I a joke to you?”

“What?”

“After hearing about me from Choi Tae-hyuk, do you suddenly find me fucking amusing? What, do you find me interesting because he said I’m the guy who stupidly clung to an S-class? Despite pretending otherwise, you’re quite the attention seeker, aren’t you?”

“Han-sol, what are you talking about? You’re misunderstanding something…!”

“‘I know that C-class. He’s this bastard called Lee Han-sol, and everything he does is so fucking pathetic it’s laughable. What that pitiful bastard does without knowing his place, what his habits are, what shameful thing happened to him today, and what color that fucker’s underwear is!’ Hey, do you also want attention by spreading that kind of stuff?”

Why are these spine-breaking bastards so desperate to mess with me? Am I amusing? Do I look so fun to play with? Is ‘toy’ written on my face? Hey, landlord. Tell me. Am I like that?

Han-sol spat out while fuming. “Hey, answer me. Do I look that amusing? Is that why you’re persistently harassing me like this? Answer me, you bastard.” He pushed Tae-hyun’s shoulders threateningly as he said this. Tae-hyun, with a blank face, took steps back as he was pushed, and then his lips moved as if trying to say something.

“Han-sol.”

“Hey, just answer what I’m asking. Don’t call my name, you fucking bastard.”

“Who is it? Who did that to Han-sol? Don’t tell me Tae-hyuk… Did Choi Tae-hyuk do such things to you? Yesterday too, that guy was saying all kinds of things, was it him?”

Tell me. If it was Tae-hyuk, I’ll take responsibility and do something about it. I’ll drag him here somehow and make him apologize. I’ll help make sure he receives any punishment from the Center. Han-sol, I just wanted you to cheer up. You looked so depressed yesterday, and I was just concerned about that… I’ve never thought of you that way, I’m serious.

Choi Tae-hyun spoke calmly with a stern face never seen before. It was a rigid expression that seemed both shocked and angry. Han-sol again scoffed, finding it ridiculous. Cheer up? Concerned? Whether it was sincere or just an excuse to get out of the situation, he found it absurd either way. So he asked back in a heavily sarcastic tone.

“Do you pity me?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Tae-hyuk said so, that you can’t help yourself when you see something pitiful because you were raised too gently. What? What help? Cheer up? Is this your first time seeing a mental patient? Is your sympathy gushing out? Do I look like a charity case to you?”

“Han-sol…!”

Tae-hyun creased his brow and grabbed Han-sol again. “Don’t touch me!” Han-sol shook him off, but Tae-hyun firmly grabbed his arm just below the shoulder again. And met his eyes. They stayed like that for a long time. When Han-sol’s heavy breathing gradually calmed down, Tae-hyun’s bright brown eyes looked at Han-sol very steadily, without wavering.

“I swear. I’ve never thought of Han-sol that way. I might have thought you were like Ppomi, but I never thought of you as a charity case or anything like that. And I have no intention of spreading rumors about Han-sol’s underwear… color. I’ve never even thought about Han-sol’s underwear. I’m not that kind of strange person.”

“You like swearing. I’ve never seen someone who talks like that not betray others.”

“Then you can see it this time. So please keep coming to my house.”

Tae-hyun’s face returned to its usual comfortable expression, as if he’d never frowned. Taking Han-sol’s hand, which seemed to have lost its strength on its own, Tae-hyun led him toward his house.

“You said you don’t like being alone. Don’t do things you dislike, just stay with me and Ppomi. Just do things you like.”

Actually, I’ve been bored too because I had no one to play with. So I’d really like Han-sol to keep playing with me. Please.

***

After that day’s dispute was somehow resolved, from then on. It was definitely from that moment that Tae-hyun began to actively take care of Han-sol. Since Tae-hyuk and Han-sol were the same age, Tae-hyun, being Tae-hyuk’s older brother, was naturally older than Han-sol. But since it was only a two or three-year difference, saying Tae-hyun took care of Han-sol was a bit funny. However, there was no other way to describe it. Tae-hyun was treating Han-sol almost like a baby bird.

When it was mealtime, Tae-hyun would bring Han-sol to the dining table, and when he thought Han-sol might be getting bored of playing, he would place various desserts beautifully decorated on pretty plates into Han-sol’s hands. Furthermore, while walking Ppomi, he also walked Han-sol, and on sunny days, he would sit Han-sol on a sunny bench and engage in small talk.

Though Han-sol might not know it, Tae-hyun was a mother bird… no, a father bird with his own philosophy. In Tae-hyun’s eyes, Han-sol was a person with many wounds. Perhaps because of that, he was excessively negative, pessimistic, and disliked everything. To be honest, it seemed like Ppomi was the only thing Han-sol liked. Only Ppomi, excluding Tae-hyun, Ppomi’s owner. And it seemed like a kind of defense mechanism. Among the things Han-sol often said was:

“Ah, Kim Jin-oh, this bastard is acting all friendly just because I called him a few times… fuck that…”

“You always say it’s fucking annoying. Is it annoying when a friend sends you a message?”

“I call fucking annoying things fucking annoying, what else should I say… Anyway, this bastard is probably also talking shit about me behind my back.”

I know everyone thinks I’m a jerk anyway. Does he think I don’t know that no matter how he acts, he’s thinking inside that I’m a fucking idiot? Anyway, it doesn’t matter since that bastard hates me too, you know. Anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway all earthlings hate me. Yeah, it doesn’t matter. I hate myself too, but I hate you all more than myself, fucking hate, hate like shit. Just all of you die.

So, Han-sol firmly believed that everyone hated him. Because of that, he also hated everyone, believing he had hated them much earlier, and seemed to think about it quite obsessively. That’s how it appeared to Tae-hyun. Like when Ppomi lived on the streets and showed her teeth when she was scared.

Tae-hyun was neither a doctor nor a counselor. So he had no intention of diagnosing Han-sol or fixing anything. He just wanted to help Han-sol not be alone because he seemed overwhelmed by his wounds when he was by himself. He just wanted to clear up Han-sol’s misunderstanding that everyone hated him. He wished Han-sol would be in a good mood all the time rather than getting angry.

And to be in a good mood, a person needs to be healthy, and to be healthy, one must eat well first. Koreans have rice power, after all. And one must go outside at least once a day to breathe fresh air and enjoy the sunshine. Even dogs need to walk and do nose work every day to be healthy, right? Han-sol was doing olfactory activities with fresh air instead of dirt or cat poop smells. And synthesizing vitamin D under the sun. Since vitamin D greatly helps relieve depression and promote sleep, repeating this would naturally improve Han-sol’s mood as well.

‘Let’s become a happy, good-natured person through regular life and healthy activities!’

This was Tae-hyun’s philosophy of happiness and the reason he started taking care of Han-sol like a baby bird. And very honestly, taking care of Han-sol was quite fun too. Whether Han-sol knew it or not, his aggressive attitude was gradually softening as days passed. The more kind Tae-hyun was, the less Han-sol had fits of rage. It felt like taming a very fierce cat. While thinking about this, he also realized that Han-sol, who had seemed to resemble Ppomi, actually looked more like a cat than a dog.

When Han-sol suddenly said something like this, Tae-hyun felt something akin to the excitement of a cat that never allowed closeness finally permitting his hand after 10 years. It was the day they were building miniature cars.

“Han-sol, what are you doing… now?”

“Decorating a miniature car.”

“It’s not decorating… Isn’t it demonizing?”

Han-sol, who generally had eyes like rotten pollack, had his eyes sparkling for once as he assembled the miniature car. Just when it seemed he would finish by putting on a white cover, Han-sol, with a serious expression, started attaching various things he had made to the plastic cover. Several wool felt dolls of unrecognizable monstrous shapes, desperately shaped origami works that looked half-finished, and so on… Han-sol, who had tragically no dexterity, also seemed to have no aesthetic sense, as he was truly satisfied looking at his miniature car.

Then he suddenly said something incomprehensible.

“Miniature cars were popular when I was in elementary school.”

“Right, all the kids played with these back then. It was popular in our school too.”

“What do you think it would be like if someone you’ve been with since elementary school betrayed you? Huh?”