#114
Every scene was unclean, irreverent, and painfully shameless. Each time they appeared abruptly without warning, sharply stirring Ki Baek-woo’s mind. Ki Baek-woo felt tormented, as if blades were flying at him from all directions.
Lee Han-sol cries sorrowfully. Han-sol’s pupils are blurred with tears. His lips, transparent and swollen red from crying, his hands stretching forward laboriously as if begging to be held, his kneeling legs, his swaying neck… all plead endlessly toward Ki Baek-woo. All these scenes flash threateningly like sharp harpoons right in front of Ki Baek-woo.
And to such a Han-sol, Ki Baek-woo speaks. We, are not, fate. Spouting such nonsensical words as if he were superior, and then committing verbal suicide by saying he never loved him. Ki Baek-woo hits Han-sol. The sensation of striking that small face is eerily vivid. Han-sol wanders in empty space for a moment with unfocused eyes. After feeling his stinging cheek with trembling hands, he finally comes to his senses when he feels blood seeping through his slightly parted teeth. With a pale blue face, he roughly wipes his nose and lips. Then… he hurriedly crawls toward Ki Baek-woo and grabs his pants hem.
‘Baek-woo, I, hyung is you, I mean.’
His left cheek is swollen red, and on his right cheek, carelessly wiped blood is smeared. His eyes, nose, and round forehead are all red from the burst of tears. His face, once like finely ground powder, is now all reddish and blotchy. It’s a face like the end of the world. Ki Baek-woo just stares at this face that’s like the highlight of a tragedy. He rubs his face dryly, as if this situation is merely tiresome… All of this is happening in the bedroom of “our home.”
“Stop…”
Ki Baek-woo was confused about how to handle this situation that had befallen him. Why these things were coming to mind, why he felt this eerie sense of déjà vu. As if a trauma deeply buried without his knowledge had finally resurfaced… After the brief scene flashed before his eyes like a scene from a drama, Ki Baek-woo found himself soaked in cold sweat, barely breathing heavily. With wide-open eyes, he hesitantly rolled his bloodshot pupils around, examining his surroundings repeatedly. The house felt unfamiliar.
Ah, could this really be a mental issue? Ki Baek-woo thought, looking at the quiet darkness with a narrowed vision as if the periphery had gone black. Déjà vu, what a ridiculous notion. Ki Baek-woo tried to think rationally. Biting his trembling lips until they bled and holding his breath, he repeated to himself that such feelings were far from reality, just absurd sensations. Because I’ve never done such things to hyung, and hyung has never been so miserable in front of me. Rather, hyung is the one who abandoned me. So it can’t possibly be a “memory.” It doesn’t make sense from the start. A crying hyung, a hyung who doesn’t cry, a hyung who seems to have given up everything, for all of that to be memories… the time hyung and I spent together isn’t enough. If all that was really a farce that happened sometime, it would mean that I, hyung, have already lived several more lives. It makes no sense. What kind of crazy nonsense is that? Ki Baek-woo, don’t go crazier here. Don’t act stupidly, get a grip.
Get a grip. Please.
“Ahhh…”
Ki Baek-woo curled up like a fetus, pulling at his hair. Though he knew there was no one to hear, a low, hoarse voice kept coming out.
“Don’t do this, don’t do this to me…”
Even amid his pleading, Han-sol appeared before his eyes again. Han-sol mocks Ki Baek-woo by repeating his desperate plea exactly.
‘Don’t do this, don’t do this to me, Baek-woo…’
No, wait. Is hyung first? Am I the one copying? Ah, I don’t know. I’m dizzy. Ki Baek-woo was now confused about what was what. Even as he wanted to lose consciousness from the dizziness, the mirage-like Han-sol wouldn’t disappear.
A pale complexion, a powerless tone. Han-sol stands before Ki Baek-woo in a desolate appearance, like someone without any strength. With his head bowed low like a sinner, he speaks as if making a confession.
‘You know, I really like you a lot. I love you. I’ve done so since you asked me to love you… So don’t do this to me… I’ll do everything you ask. I’ll change everything as you want… I like you, I can even change to be like someone you like now. If you like that kind of thing, I’ll do it… So do we have to be like this…? Please, Baek-woo, don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me with those eyes…’
The end of his words fading without confidence. A look as if he’s already given up, knowing the other person won’t budge no matter how much he expresses himself. Han-sol, in such a shabby appearance, barely manages to raise his gaze to look at Ki Baek-woo’s chin area.
‘What should hyung do for you? Tell me, Baek-woo, I’ll do everything… So just don’t leave like this, okay? You can’t do this to me, we are… You know, Baek-woo, we are…’
A suppressed voice flowing as if rusted through narrowed vocal cords. A voice so pitiful it’s hard to just listen calmly, with pronunciations crumbling with hesitation. Faced with such a Han-sol, Ki Baek-woo is just pressing his temples as if annoyed. Then, hah, he sneers. A surge of murderous intent follows with a brain-rattling comment.
‘That damn love, that damn fate…! How long are you going to talk nonsense by yourself? Was hyung always such a fool? Do I need to show you my rock bottom? I told you. I don’t love you. What I love is Healer Jung Yi-dam, not Lee Han-sol. Do you understand?’
‘No, Baek-woo… you’re mistaken about that. Think about it, you like me…’
‘You’re the one who’s mistaken! How many times do I have to say no? Is there a problem with your comprehension? What I love is Lee Han-sol, not someone like you!’
Ki Baek-woo rambles on these harsh words not worth hearing for quite some time.
‘No, that’s not it, Baek-woo think about it, doesn’t something, something seem wrong? Like someone is forcibly… doesn’t it seem like that? Please, please just think about it carefully just once…’
Leaving Han-sol mumbling like that with a dazed face, Ki Baek-woo turns away coldly. This time, Han-sol doesn’t hold onto Ki Baek-woo.
No, please, we are real, you… liked me… a lot…
He just faintly whispers in a small volume. Meanwhile, Ki Baek-woo strides forward, puts on his shoes, and steps through the front door without hesitation. Bang, the door closes.
In the sunlit, quiet living room, Han-sol, left all alone, falters and collapses. He sits down as if sinking and covers his face with both hands.
‘What should I do… what should I do…’
He sobs.
Before this terrible scene that was vividly perceived even with eyes closed and ears covered, Ki Baek-woo also sobbed.
“What should I do.”
‘Why are you doing this to me, why…!’
As Han-sol resentfully complained with indignation, Ki Baek-woo also writhed on the floor and resented.
“Why are you doing this to me, I, ah, hyung…”
All the scenes that came to mind were like elaborate whips created to test Ki Baek-woo’s mental limits. Ki Baek-woo felt pain as if his flesh was flying off from being hit by wildly swung abuse tools. Ki Baek-woo was suffocated by the unidentified torture that ambushed his consciousness without form. Hallucinations with various parts of the house as backgrounds continuously drove him into corners.
Han-sol, who clung to him with his bare body and cried profusely, asking if he hadn’t felt sexual desire for him yesterday, and Ki Baek-woo, who harshly rejected such a Han-sol, made the bedroom a frightening space.
Han-sol, who couldn’t even cry properly and whispered like a mantra that “you like me,” and Ki Baek-woo, who spoke cruel words telling him not to be delusional, made the living room a terrible space.
The scene of three people sitting around the dining table that only Han-sol and Ki Baek-woo used to share, with every word Han-sol spoke, unable to even raise his head and stumbling through them… the kitchen became hell.
‘I, actually always thought Baek-woo was mistaken. Since, since he’s only been with me, with me since we were so young… Since I was the only person he saw, that could happen, right? So… Jung Yi-dam, I’m so glad Jung Yi-dam appeared, I, I thought, thought that way.’
So, so you two, you don’t need to worry about me. Just ignore me. Baek-woo, Baek-woo you don’t need to worry either. Because I’m on the side… of you two… ignore me.
Han-sol, trying to pronounce each word clearly, finishes speaking and smiles awkwardly. His teary eyes barely looking at the empty space between Ki Baek-woo and Jung Yi-dam sitting across from him. His hands fidgeting together, perhaps feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Everything Han-sol did turned the kitchen into a bottomless abyss.
“Our home,” which he had tried to protect until the end, this place he never wanted to leave no matter what, began to attack Ki Baek-woo like a trap. He felt cold. Though the temperature hadn’t particularly changed, his body trembled. Even though it was clearly his home, it felt like the middle of the Arctic. A feeling like falling through a secretly cracked crevasse deep in an ice mountain that no one had yet discovered.
The fear of falling forever overwhelmed Ki Baek-woo. Under that helplessness, Ki Baek-woo found it laughable that he couldn’t even ask what he had done wrong. If only he hadn’t betrayed hyung back then. If only he hadn’t done such disgusting things. Even if I was treated like an idiot, I should have only thought of Han-sol hyung. If only everything in my head was just about Han-sol hyung from beginning to end, like now… then such strange phenomena wouldn’t have happened either.
Just like now, when I can’t even remember Jung Yi-dam, as if he’s a lie.
Ki Baek-woo’s time flowed in a mess. With every corner of the not-so-large house becoming frightening, Ki Baek-woo soon hid himself in the closet. The cramped closet where Han-sol’s clothes, which he hadn’t taken with him, were still hung in abundance. In that place, which he had hardly dared to open often because he didn’t want to lose even a bit of Han-sol’s scent, Ki Baek-woo was comfortable for a while.
Of course, that didn’t last long either…
***
“Still, his vitals seem to have stabilized a bit? His blood pressure is up too.”
“Ah, he’s been on Norphin since last night. How low did his blood pressure drop? It’s a bit harsh to say, but it was almost at the level of my grandfather’s deathbed, you know?”
When he opened his eyes, what Ki Baek-woo saw was an unfamiliar ceiling. He was dazed and his vision was blurry. The surrounding environment rippled as if he were looking up at the water’s surface from underwater. He heard a high-pitched voice.
“Team leader, Hunter Ki Baek-woo has opened his eyes. Hunter Ki Baek-woo, are you conscious?”
“What, Ki Hunter opened his eyes? Let me see.”
“Hunter Ki Baek-woo, if you can hear my voice, wiggle your finger.”
“He’s not wiggling. Hunter Ki, are you a bit conscious? Can you see me? I’m Hwang Ji-young, the team leader of Recovery Team 1.”
Why am I here? Where is this? Ki Baek-woo just stared blankly at the ceiling with half-opened eyes. He traced his memories. I was definitely… at home.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
