#108
Han-sol hyung didn’t do anything wrong… Don’t do this to him. Hyung shouldn’t be hurting even in dreams. If this really must happen, please switch me with Han-sol hyung. Let me be there instead. Please make that possible, I beg you.
Please, he prayed dazedly, it’s a dream, this is a dream, dreams are fake, that’s fake, this is a dream, that’s not Han-sol hyung, it’s all a dream, ah, I don’t want to see this, stop now, please stop, this is a dream, let me be there instead, I should be there instead of hyung, where is Ki Baek-woo, Ki Baek-woo, that bastard Ki Baek-woo, what the hell are you doing and where, throw away your life to save hyung, yes die, after you get hyung out of there, just die.
Then hyung would remember me forever. He might forgive everything I’ve done. He wouldn’t be angry with me anymore.
He was in a state of panic, completely lost in a situation his conscious mind couldn’t handle. Finally, dream Ki Baek-woo appeared. Lee Han-sol called out as if he’d been waiting.
“Baek…woo.”
Affectionately. It was a tenderness completely different from Han-sol’s sharp voice heard in reality just before. The voice from when Han-sol still loved Ki Baek-woo.
Hearing that voice, Ki Baek-woo became more desperate. He wanted to run to him right away. ‘Hyung, I’m here. I’ll save you. Hyung, I’ll do everything for you.’ He wanted to burst the monster in an instant with those soothing words, then hold Han-sol tightly in his arms. He wanted to embrace him completely so not even a strand of hair or tip of a toe was exposed, and beg for forgiveness.
I’ll save you whenever this happens. Hyung, please don’t leave me. I could even die for you. Really, so don’t abandon me. I love you, don’t leave me…
He wanted to say these things. The fact that he could do nothing but watch was driving his mind to the limit. But it’s okay. Now that Ki Baek-woo is here, now that I’m here, I’ll…
“Please… Baek-woo…”
But dream Ki Baek-woo didn’t even look at Han-sol.
…What is this?
Ki Baek-woo stared blankly at the unfunny scene like a broken machine. Han-sol, weakly fluttering in the jaws of the monster, squeezed out the words.
“Baek-woo, I’m dying. We’ll never see each other again… Is that really okay?”
No, it’s not okay.
“Is it really okay even though this is the last time?”
How could it be okay?
“I’m in so much pain…”
With a weak voice barely above a whisper, Han-sol disappeared. Into the monster. While looking at Ki Baek-woo’s back.
“Huh…!”
Ki Baek-woo woke up from his light sleep as if having a seizure. Huh, huh, taking deep breaths, he barely managed to look around with his wide-open eyes.
The quiet, dim living room, familiar TV stand, coffee table. The remote control placed crookedly on top. Still at the angle Lee Han-sol had carelessly left it, it remained there motionless. Ki Baek-woo’s cold, trembling fingers fumbled over the sofa. The cushioning of the sofa where he sat and the texture of the fabric covering it also remained unchanged.
Ah… Only then did Ki Baek-woo release his tension with a long exhale. His tightly strained muscles relaxed instantly, and he slumped back weakly. Stretching his long neck over the curved edge of the cushion, Ki Baek-woo stared lifelessly at the ceiling.
‘When did I fall asleep….’
A dream. Yes, the terrible things that just happened before his eyes were simply a dream. Because hyung… seems to no longer like me, and I wanted to pretend not to know, but finally confirmed it with my own eyes and ears today. So, was I so shocked that I had such a dream? Such an unfunny…
Like strong light leaving afterimages in vision, the violent and disgusting dream left a long aftertaste. Scenes too creepy to want to recall kept flickering before his eyes and in his mind regardless of his will.
‘I’m in pain, Baek-woo…’ Han-sol, skewered by the monster’s teeth, barely able to move his hand. Somehow gaunt and pale cheeks. Red blood dripping down those cheeks that he wanted to hold in both hands and kiss until they turned pink with blush.
‘Look at me… Baek-woo…’ A voice so heartbreaking that just remembering it made him want to die. Why would hyung speak like that? Why is that all he wants with such a voice? I always look at you, hyung, I only look at you. I don’t even want to see anything that isn’t you. I think nothing else is worth it.
“But why…”
Han-sol’s voice, dry like November leaves and seemingly ready to crumble easily, sent chills down Ki Baek-woo’s spine. He felt like biting his tongue hard enough to pass out. At the same time, his solar plexus seemed to twist, and the urge to vomit surged up. His dry mouth filled with saliva from the nausea.
Unable to bear it, he hurriedly headed to the bathroom and shut the door tight. He turned on both the shower and sink, then violently emptied everything in his stomach. Even in the midst of this, dream Han-sol’s desolate voice, his expression, and himself turning away and running toward someone else as if it were natural—these terrifyingly surreal moments kept swirling in his mind. If possible, he wanted to purge his brain, his thoughts, right now.
They say dreams are combinations based on experiences. That whatever strange things you see in dreams are something you’ve thought about at some point. But swearing on everything he had, Ki Baek-woo had never imagined a Han-sol so weak he might fade away at any moment. Han-sol’s complexion, disappointed to the point of emptiness, his insecure and sorrowful voice, his expression so lonely and desolate it seemed like he was crying even when he wasn’t—among these, there wasn’t a single thing Ki Baek-woo had ever desired or expected. He had never even vaguely assumed such things.
Ki Baek-woo wanted to be with Han-sol forever. He desperately wanted to be Han-sol’s. He sincerely thought of himself as a pathetic bug buried in Han-sol’s cocoon, unable to metamorphose. With such a background, there was no way he could have had the shameless thought of wanting to ruin Han-sol.
Break both his legs so he can’t leave, definitely drag him into the mud where I live and make him just as messy. I wouldn’t care about means or methods if only I could make him mine. Ki Baek-woo didn’t dare even think of harboring such presumptuous and unscrupulous desires. He was a parasitic organism living off Han-sol, so if the host was ruined, he would be ruined together. They were a community of fate. So he wanted him to be healthy. To not be infected by other bad things and worry. It was enough for Ki Baek-woo alone to eat away at Han-sol’s heart. Only Ki Baek-woo should exist within it.
For that reason, the one Ki Baek-woo wanted to ruin was none other than himself. He was never a perfect product to begin with, but he wanted to become a defective one that could never be shown outside. Because Han-sol was a kind person who wouldn’t abandon a sick animal that no one else would take. Then he could live by clinging to that heart until the end. Ki Baek-woo only had such gloomy and pathetic kinds of expectations.
But why.
After vomiting for a long time and rinsing his mouth, Ki Baek-woo collapsed against the sink and thought. If that’s the case, why did I dream of such a Han-sol? Did my unconscious, which even I am not aware of, conjure up such things? Did I… want hyung to be crushed in a monster’s mouth, dying miserably, still looking for me in that state?
His body grew cold. Even calling himself a bug would be too good. I’m worse than a bug. That’s what Ki Baek-woo thought. To dare to want such a thing.
This inhuman trash… No, no. That can’t be. Ki Baek-woo shook his head, trembling with bloodshot eyes. If that’s what I wanted, I wouldn’t have turned my back on hyung and run to Jung Yi-dam. I should have saved the dying hyung and become his hero. To erase the debt of life, to cling persistently. But why would I run to Jung Yi-dam as if I couldn’t even see hyung in that state… it doesn’t make sense.
Why?
What the hell is Jung Yi-dam anyway? Just thinking of his name gives me chills, so what right does that bastard have to interfere between me and hyung? What is his identity!
Something was terribly wrong. Ki Baek-woo was certain he wasn’t normal. His consciousness that kept stopping in front of Jung Yi-dam, and the terrifying situation he had never imagined in his life appearing so vividly in his dream as if it had actually happened… Ki Baek-woo self-diagnosed that this state couldn’t be sane. It wasn’t surprising. Han-sol had said he no longer liked Ki Baek-woo. He also said he knew all of Ki Baek-woo’s misdeeds and was disgusted, and that he couldn’t be with such a promiscuous, dirty rag. After hearing such words from hyung, it’s no wonder I’m not in my right mind. Ki Baek-woo forced himself to be self-deprecating.
“It’s nothing. That’s nothing at all…”
At that moment, Ki Baek-woo concluded it was just a nightmare due to the tension from the worst situation that had suddenly befallen him. He got up, wiping his wet lips with the back of his hand. There were more important things than an absurd dream of something that had never happened and would never happen.
