#171
Ki Baek-woo, who belatedly remembered that he had stored these things in the small room, rushed over in a hurry and widened his eyes at the photo in Lee Han-sol’s hand. Like a frightened child, he stammered and reached out his hand. “Give it to me, hyung. If you give it to me, I’ll put it away properly. So please, could you just give that to me quickly…?” He pleaded desperately.
Lee Han-sol kept his lips tightly shut. There was no way he would tear it up or throw it away again now. Thinking that the torn photos must have been quite shocking, Han-sol reluctantly regretted his actions once more.
“I won’t throw it away.”
“…Huh?”
“I said I won’t throw it away. It’s yours.”
Han-sol handed the patched-together photo back to Baek-woo. Then he nodded as if to say the same applied to the other items. Han-sol kept his mouth firmly shut, then struggled internally with a groan. I don’t want to be like this. Already going this far… But he finally spoke.
“…I’m sorry. I was… not in my right mind back then.”
Of course, he wasn’t exactly stable now either, but compared to Baek-woo, he was normal. Han-sol awkwardly apologized and then embarrassedly made an unfunny joke to himself. Baek-woo shook his head with a surprised expression.
“No, hyung. Why are you apologizing? It’s okay.”
Han-sol, as if trying to ease the awkward atmosphere, spoke in a deliberately playful tone.
“Or… should I die one more time? If I just die as predetermined, the system should return to normal, and if I regress one more time, all of this would be intact again. What do you think?”
Baek-woo, who had been listening quietly, looked dazed like an idiot. His face gradually turned pale as he mulled over Han-sol’s casually dropped words. A sad and shocked expression. He floundered for a moment, not knowing what to do, then suddenly rushed at Han-sol. Like pulling back someone about to jump off a building, his arms wrapped tightly around Han-sol’s waist.
“Why, hyung, why would you say something like that? Did I somehow make you feel that way? I’m sorry. Don’t do that. I’m sorry.”
His voice was faintly trembling.
“What’s wrong with you? Did I somehow burden you? No, there’s no way I could compare you to those things. I don’t care what happens to photos or anything else. If I made you misunderstand, I’m really sorry. Don’t say things like that. Smiling like that… so casually… Please, nothing like that will ever happen to you again, I’ll… I’ll do whatever it takes, so please don’t ever think like that again.”
Baek-woo spilled out those words as if he were dying. Like a child, he buried his face in Han-sol’s chest and whispered continuously in a muffled voice. Don’t do that, I hate those words, I’m sorry for saying I hate it, don’t say things like that hyung, you know there’s nothing more precious to me than you, I’ll protect you, it won’t happen again, so don’t think like that…
Han-sol became extremely embarrassed when he received such a panicked response to what he had meant as a joke. He hesitated a little, then gently stroked the back of Baek-woo, who was holding him tightly. And he whispered softly.
“I was just joking… Ki Baek-woo, are you crying again? You’re not, right?”
“Why would you joke about something like that? It’s not funny. You were in so much pain…! It’s not funny at all. The fact that you can speak so lightly about that makes me so…! Please, don’t do that anymore.”
“Okay, I won’t say things like that anymore. You’re really making such a big deal…”
“Hyung…”
“Alright, I get it. I won’t do it… And about the photos I tore…”
Because it can’t be helped, Han-sol continued slowly, awkwardly. Since that can’t be undone, let’s not think about it anymore. Instead…
“After we destroy the system completely… let’s live happily until we’re old and wrinkled with dentures, filling our lives with much more than we have now. Only with good memories.”
I won’t tear those up. Really.
Baek-woo, who had buried his face in Han-sol’s chest, slowly raised his head. He studied Han-sol’s expression. He seemed to be trying to gauge if he was being sincere. Meeting his gaze, Han-sol gave a short smile. At that smile, Baek-woo’s eyes wavered. His pale complexion gradually turned red. He raised his trembling lips in a smile.
“Yes, definitely. Let’s keep filling it with new things until we die…”
“Since ‘now’ is too exhausting, let’s think from after the gate onwards. How long have both of us lived through ‘now’? It’s killing me with boredom. So let’s not think about the past anymore, Ki Baek-woo.”
“Yes… I’ll do whatever you tell me to.”
“Good, this time keep your promise for sure.”
“…Hyung.”
“What?”
“Can I kiss you?”
The two looked at each other silently for a while. The house was still a wreck like ruins with many memories torn up and discarded everywhere, but Han-sol didn’t feel resentful or hateful about it. When he had run out of here, his mind had been in as much disarray as the scattered objects, but now, strangely, he felt pretty much okay.
Why am I okay? It’s not even over yet. Han-sol thought slowly. Baek-woo still needs to gain more weight, we still have a lot to talk about, and the final gate is waiting for us.
He still felt uncomfortable in one corner of his heart, his stubbornness kept rearing its head, and irritation would surge up suddenly. But why… did he have this stupid feeling that everything would be alright?
Han-sol ended his sudden question without an answer and nodded. Baek-woo whispered as if to himself.
“Thank you.”
Their lips met.
***
The old apartment was quickly tidied up. It wasn’t perfect, and there were still broken and empty spaces here and there, but it had at least escaped its garbage dump state.
“We’ll fill it in later. After everything is over, let’s buy new stuff, all of it.”
That’s what Han-sol said to Baek-woo, who was trying to somehow organize the sparsely filled, empty apartment. Just leave it since we’ll have to buy everything new anyway. Just focus on eating well and sleeping well and taking care of your body.
Baek-woo seemed to like those words, nodding brightly with a smile each time. Despite Han-sol’s needless scolding about what he was smiling at, Baek-woo didn’t mind. Later, after, when time passes. He subtly mentioned that he liked words that promised a future.
“You talk as if I’ll obviously be in your future, hyung. I like that…”
Only after hearing those words did Han-sol realize that he had been casually thinking about matters further in the future. It felt strange. At some point, he had stopped assuming any future beyond a certain time. Since he wouldn’t be able to live anyway.
Han-sol had distanced himself from vagueness since the moment he lost hope of overcoming the system. He tried not to want what he couldn’t have. My world ends here. He drew an exact line and swallowed only what was inside it. Picking up things that had been steeped in repetition until they were tasteless, and when the day came that everything was empty, that would be the day he ended once more. Then when he closed his eyes and opened them again, he would be back at the beginning. Then he would pick up and consume time steeped once more. Han-sol thought only about that.
Wanting what you can’t have is like walking into hell yourself. Since Baek-woo was already enough for that, let’s not add one more. It’s painful. So at some point, the future existed only as a word. It was easy. It was simple to give up on what he didn’t know, and that habit had become ingrained. But why suddenly.
It was from the day they returned together to this old apartment where they had spent so much time. Without realizing it, Han-sol kept promising an indefinite time. As if he could really live. As if just being with Baek-woo gave him that hope.
He no longer even thought of his attitude as terrible or tedious. Han-sol began to casually dismiss his behaviors that had changed so drastically just because of Baek-woo’s presence. Thinking that this must be how he was naturally made, he stopped delving deeply into such issues and self-flagellating. It was closer to acceptance than resignation.
“Ki Baek-woo, take your food.”
“Okay.”
“The one with three fried eggs on top is yours.”
“Three…?”
“Just put it in your mouth without arguing. Protein is for muscle loss.”
“Mmm…”
Baek-woo kept his promises well. He ate his meals diligently as told, and when it was time to sleep, he didn’t stubbornly stay awake as before but obediently fell asleep. Baek-woo’s rapid improvement started right after he was discharged. Since returning home with Han-sol, he seemed comfortable and very reassured. Like a puzzle piece that had found its exact place. Han-sol thought it might be a feeling similar to what he felt when he returned home.
Anyway, the two sat across from each other at the table to eat meals, and at night they lay side by side in bed to sleep. Since they had slept separately before leaving for Zone B—Baek-woo in the living room and Han-sol in the bedroom—there was a strange awkwardness and tension lingering when they lay side by side for the first time in a while.
Am I going to end up not sleeping too?
Making Han-sol’s concerns meaningless, both of them quickly fell asleep, awkwardness be damned. Lying in a familiar bed with a familiar person, their exhausted minds simply couldn’t overcome that familiarity.
Baek-woo slept so deeply that night that he couldn’t open his eyes even past noon the next day. As if trying to make up for all the sleep he had missed at once, he slept like he was dead. If Baek-woo’s hand hadn’t firmly grabbed Han-sol’s arm when he was about to leave the bed while pretending not to watch the sleeping Baek-woo (which was getting boring), he might have suspected that Baek-woo had actually died.
In any case, the well-fed and well-rested Baek-woo was definitely getting healthier. It seemed that just eating properly was making him better quickly, since he had eaten so little before. Although still a pitiful anchovy compared to before, if the Baek-woo in the hospital had been a stir-fry anchovy, the current Baek-woo was at least at the level of a soup stock anchovy. Both Han-sol and Baek-woo felt that each day was reasonably good.
Choi Tae-hyun
[Han-sol, everything okay?]
[Photo]
[Ppomi says she misses you haha]
[I won’t bother you, so just send even a number 1 if you see this. I’m worried because you haven’t replied at all T.T]
And just the other day, Han-sol received a message from Choi Tae-hyun. Only then did he realize that he hadn’t contacted anyone since returning to Zone A. Except for calling Jung Yi-dam with the center’s pager. Of course, it’s not like he had been living in regular contact with anyone before that either…
When he belatedly checked his message box, he found that in addition to Choi Tae-hyun, there were also several messages from Ham Yun-ah, Kim Jin-oh, as well as Lee Su-hyeon and Seo Hee-ju. Han-sol thought about just ignoring them as usual because it was bothersome, but then muttered, “Still…” He couldn’t bring himself to pronounce the following “they’re friends…” He still felt uncomfortable with the fact that there were people who supported him. He had lived with the mindset of being a national outcast for too long.
After thinking for a moment, Han-sol found a reasonable compromise between “still…” and his reluctance. He created a group message and invited all five people at once. Then he sent:
[1]
Kim Jin-oh
[What is this??]
Choi Tae-hyun
[Han-sol…?]
Kim Jin-oh
[Who are you????]
This should be enough. It’s too annoying to reply to each one individually. Han-sol nodded to himself in satisfaction.
It was a rare peaceful period. Until a text message from the center arrived on Baek-woo’s phone one lazy afternoon…
The message had a familiar format. It was the usual format used when a gate erupted and raid rosters were announced. The list was full of familiar names. And as if it had been waiting, another message arrived.
Jung Yi-dam
[It’s time to end this. Prepare well.]
The brief peace was over. The day of reckoning had arrived right before them.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
