#167
Lee Han-sol thought that if he just bent his pride and stubbornness one last time, everything would resolve itself.
He came to think this way largely due to Jung Yi-dam’s influence. Jung Yi-dam had told him. That he was the center of the world and therefore shared the system’s core.
‘Kill me. If you succeed, the system can never be restored.’
The reason he couldn’t escape from this place and waited for Lee Han-sol was because, unfortunately, he was the protagonist, he said. Jung Yi-dam and his potential romantic interests. Those protagonists were special, but because they were special, they couldn’t escape the system’s powerful control on their own—Jung Yi-dam’s eyes were sick of it all.
‘Until this damn ending, there’s not a single thing I can do freely. Everything is completely under control.’
Speaking, moving, and even his very life. Jung Yi-dam proved with Lee Han-sol’s own hands his claim that as long as the story progressed, he absolutely could not die.
Strongly gripping Lee Han-sol’s hand that tried to push him away, Jung Yi-dam strangled his own neck. Lee Han-sol saw his pupils dilate darkly, and his face, turning from red to black, reach ecstasy. Then his breath stopped. His heart stopped beating. Clear handprints remained on his long white neck.
Lee Han-sol remembered all too well the disgusting sensation of that moment. Though he had clearly committed murder, he felt the horrible feeling of being murdered instead. Jung Yi-dam had already died then. He had definitely died, but soon came back to life. With a clean appearance where all the handprints on his neck and the red hemorrhages had disappeared.
He grabbed Lee Han-sol’s ankle tightly as Lee Han-sol recoiled as if seeing a ghost, and said:
See, Han-sol? I don’t die. The same goes for Ki Baek-woo, whom you cling to so much. Before this damned game ends, neither I nor he can ever die. We can’t kill each other either. This isn’t a place with bad endings where you kill someone because you love them too much. So who will kill this pitiful me? Who can kill me, destroy this damn system, and lead me to heaven?
‘Only you can save me through death, Han-sol.’
Only you can disrupt the story flow and kill me at the right timing, he said. Everything is in your hands. So feel the heavy responsibility.
Jung Yi-dam said this while clinging to him like a snake, and at first, Lee Han-sol thought his words were complete nonsense. I’m nothing here, who am I to do anything? You think I’ll fall for that crap? He thought bitterly. But Jung Yi-dam’s words weren’t wrong.
Looking back now, everything in this iteration had been flowing according to Lee Han-sol’s choices. From the very beginning until now. And even the ending that was soon approaching. Whether to kill Jung Yi-dam and permanently stop the system, or to remain in hell forever with Jung Yi-dam. That too was in Lee Han-sol’s hands. So perhaps he had vaguely believed.
If he just gave up his already crumpled pride one last time. If he finally chose to reunite with Ki Baek-woo, putting aside the resentment and bitterness that had sustained him… Then, although perhaps not as much as he hoped, wouldn’t everything more or less quickly return to its proper place?
He hadn’t expected Ki Baek-woo’s condition to improve immediately. But wouldn’t he recover smoothly without major troubles? The emotions that were not just stale but rancid, the daily life they needed to continue. All these things might not instantly return to their previous state, but wouldn’t they regain a measure of peace before long? Though he had no basis for it, Lee Han-sol thought so anyway. That since he had made this decision with great resolve, things would somehow work out alright.
Because of this, Lee Han-sol found it exhausting to be with Ki Baek-woo now. The troubles were endless.
He had already made such a difficult decision to hold onto Ki Baek-woo. Yet why was everything still so hard afterward? He was exasperated that truly nothing seemed to go smoothly. Honestly, isn’t it true? I like Ki Baek-woo and Ki Baek-woo likes me, so shouldn’t there be no problems? Lee Han-sol shook his head thinking about everything he had experienced since returning to District A.
‘Forget it, damn it. I guess my fate is just fucking filthy, what else can I do? Whatever happened has already happened.’
Lee Han-sol who had rushed all the way here because he liked Ki Baek-woo but was now pointlessly wasting emotional energy blaming him, and Ki Baek-woo who stayed awake all night watching Lee Han-sol, trapped in his own anxiety. And then, how he eventually became exhausted and spilled out all the inner thoughts he had kept so well hidden until now. It was incredibly tiring, but anyway, it had already happened and was now in the past. So it’s better to just ignore it, Lee Han-sol thought.
‘Ki Baek-woo always had a gloomy side to him anyway. Whether his inner thoughts are moderately gloomy or unimaginably gloomy, the fact that he’s gloomy remains the same, so let’s not think about it too deeply. What can I do if he’s a viper in sheep’s clothing? After all this nonsense, it’s too late to feel wronged for getting involved with a strange guy—I can’t turn back time anyway.’
If he had the heart to give up because he felt bad, he would have done so long ago. He’s like this because he can’t give up. It’s an emotion he can’t control anyway, so just accept it, Lee Han-sol brainwashed himself almost like a meditation practice. He was under extreme stress because Ki Baek-woo wasn’t going as expected, but anyway, the crying, shouting, and fighting had already happened, and after all that conflict, both their relationship and Ki Baek-woo’s condition were gradually improving.
‘They say if you can’t avoid it, enjoy it. Looking at how this bastard Ki Baek-woo has been thinking since childhood, he probably wasn’t someone I could reason with from the beginning… If it can’t be resolved through conversation, I’ll just have to enjoy it… damn it.’
Lee Han-sol recalled Ki Baek-woo, who still seemed to suspect something between him and Choi Tae-hyun despite his explanations. Ki Baek-woo tried to follow him even when he just went to the reception briefly, panicking like a problem dog with separation anxiety. This was practically husband-jealousy syndrome. Tsk, Lee Han-sol clicked his tongue disapprovingly and internally chanted Mahabanjabaramilda Our Father Who Art In Heaven Hallowed Be Thy Name Namu Amitabul Gwan Se Eum Bosal fervently.
Don’t get angry, enjoy it. If you think differently, there are good points too, right? Once we deal with the system properly, he’ll never cheat again. With a severe case like his, he’s not mentally capable of looking elsewhere.
Lee Han-sol closed the hospital room door firmly, practicing self-brainwashing almost habitually. In his hands as he turned around was a tray with five or six dishes.
It was now lunchtime. As promised to Lee Han-sol in the early morning, Ki Baek-woo had started eating, albeit forcibly, since yesterday. Even so, it was only a day’s difference, and not much food had gone into Ki Baek-woo’s flattened stomach… Still, Lee Han-sol thought, it’s something that he’s being cooperative.
He held out the tray to Ki Baek-woo, who was sitting restlessly on the bed.
“Here.”
“I, I could have gotten it myself… Don’t do things like this for me, hyung. I’ll take care of it.”
Ki Baek-woo hurriedly took the tray and set it down on the bed table. Lee Han-sol looked down at him with disdain. It was ridiculous that he was trying to act tough while still clearly a patient.
“Don’t make a fuss. I just carried it in from right outside the room, it’s not like it was something difficult.”
“You don’t need to do things like this, hyung. I can move around…”
“Yeah, great, you can move. I’m really envious. Now shut up and eat.”
Lee Han-sol snorted as he opened the lids of the dishes on the tray. Ki Baek-woo looked up at him quietly, smiling as if embarrassed. Then he subtly reached out his hand. A careful touch landed on Lee Han-sol’s wrist.
“What?”
Lee Han-sol asked without even looking at the weak grip on his wrist. He was focused on opening the side dish lids and checking their contents. This is braised tofu, this is spinach, this is… what is this? What kind of fish is this? It looks so unappetizing. Anyway, grilled fish… While opening the lid of the last side dish, which was obviously kimchi, the hand began gently pulling on his arm.
A pulling force as if asking him to sit next to him. Lee Han-sol squinted at Ki Baek-woo’s gesture with its obvious intention.
“This is really funny… You don’t want me to deliver the tray but you want me to feed you?”
“…You did it yesterday.”
Lee Han-sol was dumbfounded by Ki Baek-woo’s hesitant answer.
Ki Baek-woo had started eating properly since yesterday. Thinking that he should eat soft food for a day to avoid problems, Lee Han-sol had requested porridge, but his mistake was getting impatient with Ki Baek-woo’s nibbling and snatching the spoon. After enthusiastically feeding him the first meal, urging him to eat heartily, Ki Baek-woo seemed to like it and clung to Lee Han-sol’s arm in this way at lunch and dinner too. Seeing him look so pitifully thin made Lee Han-sol unable to refuse, and he took the spoon each time.
Just like now.
“If you’re grown up, eat by yourself for once.”
Despite saying that, Lee Han-sol eventually surrendered. He plopped down on the edge of the bed and took the spoon that Ki Baek-woo handed him. Ki Baek-woo’s cheeks turned slightly red. He seemed pleased.
This bastard, no matter how I think about it, he has a split personality.
Lee Han-sol was amazed at Ki Baek-woo’s innocent delight over something so trivial. He remembered all the strange things that Ki Baek-woo, with his dark sunken eyes, had babbled in the early dawn. Things like this:
‘Hyung, I still think about this. I don’t care if it’s an accident or whatever. I just wish I’d lose a limb or something. Then you’d pity me. You wouldn’t abandon me even if you wanted to die. Even if you dislike me, you’d stay by my side. Because you’re kind, because you don’t easily abandon the pitiful and weak… I still think about this, I can’t stop, I feel the urge several times a day…’
Ki Baek-woo who had whispered such things secretively, as if he would implement them right away, not just sincerely. Lee Han-sol couldn’t believe that Ki Baek-woo and the one opening his mouth like a newborn baby bird in front of him now were the same person.
With narrowed eyes, he looked at Ki Baek-woo distastefully. As he offered a spoonful of rice topped with braised tofu, Ki Baek-woo received it excitedly as if he had an overflowing appetite. He chewed diligently. His eyes, which had been moist with tears for a long time, were even sparkling for the first time in ages. Lee Han-sol laughed silently, finding it absurd.
“Happy?”
At the indifferent question, Ki Baek-woo nodded with a foolish face. Lee Han-sol clicked his tongue internally thinking, ‘He says he’s happy, oh my…’ and offered seaweed soup this time. Ki Baek-woo ate that well too.
“Chew thoroughly. And don’t throw it all up. If you vomit, I’ll make you eat again.”
“Okay.”
“Why are you being cute? Just open your mouth.”
After chiding him, Lee Han-sol put spinach on rice and popped it into Ki Baek-woo’s mouth. Ki Baek-woo chewed diligently again. Seeing him act as if his appetite was stimulated, Lee Han-sol couldn’t help recalling the past. Before he fled to District B, Ki Baek-woo, who barely ate then too, would at least chew and swallow something on days when Lee Han-sol seemed to be in a good mood or when they had a proper conversation. The Ki Baek-woo of that time overlapped exactly with the Ki Baek-woo of now.
Lee Han-sol blurted out:
“Ki Baek-woo, try eating this well even when you’re alone from now on. You can eat well like this, can’t you?”
“…It’s because you’re feeding me.”
“Is my hand seasoning? Only eating what I give you.”
“I guess so. Even when I don’t want to eat, I become hungry when you feed me.”
Lee Han-sol felt somewhat complex emotions as he put deboned fish on top of rice. Ki Baek-woo opened his mouth on his own and ate it well. Looking at Ki Baek-woo’s cheek covered with a dressing bandage as he chewed, Lee Han-sol said:
“You’re not an abandoned dog that’s refusing food, how can that be?”
“That’s right, I’m your dog, hyung.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. And I never abandoned you.”
Why is he being so cheesy? Lee Han-sol muttered that, and avoiding Ki Baek-woo’s gaze that was directly fixed on him, he stood up.
“You’ve eaten enough, right? You ate much more than yesterday. If you’re done, I’ll clean up.”
Lee Han-sol pretended to be nonchalant as he arranged the tray. It had been so long since he’d spoken like this first that it felt awkward and embarrassing. He didn’t want to apply the term “shy” to this emotion. It would make him feel even more embarrassed. His hands just moved faster as he organized the dishes.
“I’ll go put this away.”
“No, hyung, I’ll…”
It was then, as Lee Han-sol was hurriedly heading toward the door with the tray.
Knock knock.
A light knocking sound echoed at the hospital room door. Both of their gazes turned there simultaneously. No one gave permission to enter, but the door opened unhesitatingly.
“……”
“Why are you looking at me like that, making my heart flutter.”
“…You.”
“Long time no see, Han-sol.”
Outside the wide-open door stood a familiar face. A man well known to both Lee Han-sol and Ki Baek-woo smiled softly, just like melting sugar.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
