#166
‘What did you say?’
‘I know it’s disgusting, I don’t want to think like this either…! It’s not that I don’t feel sorry for my mother! But what can I do when it’s impossible? You don’t know, hyung. The truth is, you were never as desperate as me. You weren’t even interested in me from the beginning. You just happened to have me beside you when you were left alone…! So if that’s not luck for me, then what is it?’
If this hadn’t been a man-eating island where we never knew when the world would end, would you have let me parasitize your heart? If mom hadn’t died right before our eyes, if monsters and adults hadn’t tried to devour us, if the world hadn’t been so harsh for survival… would you have needed me? When death was sprawled outside the door, wasn’t it luck that I happened to be beside you, someone who could never hurt you? That I was so incompetent that you could feel safe with me… there’s no other way to explain it except to call it luck…
When he first started speaking, Ki Baek-woo was clearly trying to choose better expressions. Between syllables, in the misaligned rhythm, his desperation was palpable. But with each added sentence, his speaking speed accelerated as if he were vomiting the words. Lee Han-sol couldn’t tell whether Ki Baek-woo couldn’t control himself once he started, or if he had given up after bursting open, like someone who thinks “whatever happens, happens.” Just as Lee Han-sol didn’t know how to respond.
To be completely honest, he was doubting his own ears. Was it because it was late? It seemed like he was hearing strange sounds… While Lee Han-sol just blinked with a dumbfounded expression, Ki Baek-woo buried his face deeper into Lee Han-sol’s chest as if he were dying of agony.
‘Hyung, I’ve spent my whole life thinking about this crap. How can I stay attached to you forever, how can I avoid being abandoned—my head was full of only those thoughts. So do you think I could betray you first? That’s impossible… You’d probably abandon me dozens of times before that day ever came.’
By then, Lee Han-sol understood why Ki Baek-woo had set up such lengthy safeguards before beginning his revelations. He was truly saying things far beyond Lee Han-sol’s expectations. The only thing he could conclude for certain was that if everything Ki Baek-woo was saying was true, his mind was definitely abnormal.
‘I just wanted to be nothing forever. I wanted to be a weak, stupid child who couldn’t do anything without you, hyung. Because then you would never abandon me, since you’re kind…’
No sane person would say such things. Lee Han-sol gradually became serious. And what he found most chilling was this:
‘I wanted you to be my only god and world… That’s why I called you my silkworm cocoon. Just as you are to me, I wanted you to think I was your only one too. That’s still okay, isn’t it? You asked why I chose a mere insect, but it’s not bad. Think about it. If you were truly my cocoon and I were your pupa, as long as we don’t try to escape from each other, we could be peaceful forever.’
As long as we don’t leave each other… the cocoon wouldn’t tear, and the silkworm wouldn’t need to become an adult moth and die. Why did I ask why a silkworm specifically? Hyung, for a silkworm to become an adult means suicide. Because it’s a useless insect that can neither eat nor fly. It emerges only to die… it has no other meaning. Hyung, look at me. I’m the same. Whether because of the system or whatever, because of that damn existence, when I’m left alone without you, and then come back to my senses… I had no confidence to live. I couldn’t do anything and died. I swear, hyung. When I was myself, I was never happy without you….
To think that the talk about larvae and moths had such a meaning. Lee Han-sol felt a solemnity beyond shock at this unexpected revelation.
Isn’t this beyond just having a different outer and inner self? Ever since hearing that confession that had burst out with tears long ago, Lee Han-sol had always thought of that metaphor in the lightest possible way. For example, thoughts as weightless as “Silkworm moths are kind of cute as far as moths go, is that why? Our Baek-woo is cute too.” That kind of fluttering thought with not even a gram of substance.
Ki Baek-woo whispered almost desperately, as if condemning Lee Han-sol for being pathetic.
‘It’s painful… Please save me, hyung… I become strange when you’re around. People who talk with you, people who pass by you, people you know and grow attached to, people who’ve seen you smile… I curse them every day. I don’t want to, but I do. I’m afraid you might bring in someone else besides me at any moment, that you might share your territory… And then that bastard would surely not want to leave that place, just like me. Oh, I hate it, I hate it so much, I’m anxious about it all day. That’s how I feel when you’re around. But without you… I can’t live…’
‘Umm…’
‘You…!’
Ki Baek-woo’s arms strongly entwined around Lee Han-sol’s back, which had stiffened from shock and awkwardness. With him clinging while saying such things, Lee Han-sol somehow felt tense. It was because the arms wrapping around his body felt like ropes trying to bind him tightly.
‘You… you don’t know how amazing you are… You don’t know how brightly you shine. You… you just don’t realize that all it takes is for you to smile once. I wish you were ugly. I wish you were an unpleasant person. Even now, I wish you would become like that, but you have no idea I think that way.’
No… he wishes I were even uglier? Is there really a hole in his head? Lee Han-sol was frowning at that thought in the midst of all this confusion.
‘I’m sorry, hyung.’
‘……’
‘Even in the middle of all this… even though you’re finally letting me stay by your side, even in the middle of all this, I thought how happy I was.’
‘Happy…? About what?’
Lee Han-sol looked down at the top of Ki Baek-woo’s head buried in his arms, feeling an inexplicable sense of foreboding. Ki Baek-woo’s thick, bushy hair trembled quietly along with his slight trembling.
‘When you said nobody likes you, when you talked about yourself as if you were lacking while saying things like “someone like me,” I knew that was because you’ve been through so much pain. When you said I liked you because I’m a pathetic and inadequate bastard… I felt like dying, wondering how much you must have suffered to think such nonsense. But…’
But I suddenly thought I should never say this even if I die, and let you think that way forever… that it might be a good thing. Once I thought that way, I kept wanting to think that way. Even though you became like that because you were in so much pain, even though my shell made you that way… Just, if you thought that way, then no matter how many guys like Choi Tae-hyuk appear in the future, you would think they were nothing. You would think only I liked you… So, I thought maybe it’s a good thing… I’m sorry…. I’m truly a terrible bastard…
Who could possibly dislike you… If it weren’t for the system, if this world weren’t a mass of deception created by whatever guys as they pleased…! Who could dislike you? You just… all it takes is for you to smile once…
This time, Ki Baek-woo didn’t cry. He revealed his shameful feelings with a frightening calmness. Rather, it felt like the complete truth that couldn’t even be attempted to be denied. Lee Han-sol couldn’t define why his heart was pounding as if it would burst. Whether it was because Ki Baek-woo’s heart felt eerily like black tar that would never wash off once it stained, or because he felt betrayed again by someone who had so perfectly concealed such feelings all this time. Or maybe it was because of the inexplicable rising heat making him feel hot.
And then, as if he had confessed everything, Ki Baek-woo, who had momentarily closed his mouth, finally said:
‘Hyung, this is the real me.’
‘…Yeah.’
‘It’s disgusting, isn’t it?’
‘Hmm….’
‘Do you understand now? How terrible I am. I’m like a leech. If you die, I die too. So, from the beginning, I could never… grow cold toward you.’
‘Hmm….’
‘So if, just if, I’m inadequate and get swayed by something again, and do something pathetic to you… then you should immediately recognize that it’s not me. Think of it as a fake and don’t engage with it, just run away and live well. You should never be hurt by such a fake. Because that’s not me… it couldn’t be me….’
After saying that, Ki Baek-woo held Lee Han-sol tightly for a long time and wouldn’t let go. Since Lee Han-sol could still only see the top of his head, he couldn’t guess what Ki Baek-woo was thinking. Now that he knew Ki Baek-woo’s gloomy inner thoughts, which were almost at the level of a split personality, it was even more impossible to guess. It was scary, and unfamiliar.
To think he had been like this since they first met. How long ago was that, and he’s been like this all the way until now….
Lee Han-sol bit his lip secretly from Ki Baek-woo. It was because he felt languid from the slight fever that had been spreading from his heart for a while. A languid feeling, as if his heart was finally being released… an unpleasantly pleasant sense of relief. To feel more pleasure than fear at such a confession. Lee Han-sol trembled with disgust and thought, ‘Well, I’m not exactly in my right mind either.’
‘Ki Baek-woo.’
‘…Yeah.’
‘This won’t happen again. Misunderstanding each other and breaking down because of the system.’
‘……’
‘…Because I’m going to destroy it. I’m going to get revenge. I’m going to end all of this.’
‘Yeah.’
‘You need to help me. You said you’d take revenge for me. If you help me well, then I’ll forgive everything.’
Ki Baek-woo was silent. Instead, he tightened his arms around Lee Han-sol’s waist even more, so strongly that Lee Han-sol could barely breathe. The dim light of dawn outside was gradually brightening the hospital room.
‘Don’t just talk, you really have to help me. I’m C-class, fucking weak.’
‘Yeah. I’ll protect you so no one can touch you….’
‘Good, but you know what….’
‘…Yeah.’
‘If you’re going to protect me, your body can’t be in this sorry state, right?’
Promise me you’ll eat well from now on and sleep without complaint. And promise that even though it sucks, you’ll receive treatment from Jung Yi-dam and get healthy.
‘And when that happens… let’s leave the hospital and go home. Our home.’
I want to go home.
At those words, Ki Baek-woo finally raised his head. The two of them locked eyes across the blue darkness. For a long time.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
