#157
Lee Han-sol bit his lips until they bled, seemingly unable to contain his frustration. Ki Baek-woo stared at Lee Han-sol, forgetting even to breathe.
A moment later, Lee Han-sol shouted forcefully, as if he hated it.
“It’s all your fault! I’m so sick of it, I could die! Why do I still…!”
Why do I still like you? Why haven’t I given up on you yet? What are you? What am I? I hate myself. I hate that I keep giving up on things because of you… I hate it so much. But what can I do? I keep thinking about you. What do you want me to do…?
Before his voice, which seemed to be fading away, could even finish, Lee Han-sol was pulled by a strong grip on his arm. An overwhelming force enveloped him. Ki Baek-woo clung to Lee Han-sol desperately, as if hanging onto a lifeline. The unstable, heaving chest pressed closely against him, and he could feel the heartbeat loudly. His body trembled.
“Who said you could hug me, you bastard…! Let go of me!”
Ki Baek-woo continued to hug Lee Han-sol tighter, as if it wasn’t enough. With his shaky hands, he caressed Lee Han-sol’s soft hair, the nape of his neck, each vertebra through the thick hooded sweatshirt, his thin back, his pretty shoulders, his struggling arms, the hands he had always wanted to hold, the slender fingers stretched out like a painting, and even the ten nails that were round and full of life, which he never wanted to let go from his mouth. Ki Baek-woo tightly held, rubbed, and stroked every part of Lee Han-sol that his hands could touch. He checked the reality of what was in his arms, the presence, over and over again. Even after dozens of checks, it wasn’t enough, and his heartbeat grew louder and louder.
“Who said you could touch me like this, it’s annoying, so don’t touch me…”
Lee Han-sol’s voice was slightly broken with a sob. Ki Baek-woo, with a deep breath, reached out his trembling hand to touch Lee Han-sol’s cheek buried in his chest. His touch was gentle. Lee Han-sol felt the heat seeping through their touching skin. Even in the brief movement of Ki Baek-woo’s hot fingertips brushing past, tangled emotions were evident. A sense of overwhelming emotion, disbelief, and even a hazy sensation. At the tender touch, Lee Han-sol felt a bit hollow. He sniffled.
“Because of you… I want revenge, but I can’t even do that… Because of you…”
Lee Han-sol buried his forehead against Ki Baek-woo’s chest, where he could feel the heartbeat clearly, over the thin patient clothes. A familiar body temperature. It was futile.
Finally, he could breathe.
Lee Han-sol realized that until now, he hadn’t even been able to breathe properly. He muttered irritably to himself.
“I can’t do it because of you. When you’re around… I don’t want to die. I want to die, but I don’t want to die…”
I end up wanting to live, so what do you want me to do…? As his trailing words blurred, Ki Baek-woo called out to him in a panting voice. He buried his face in Lee Han-sol’s shoulder and rubbed his skin pitifully. No thoughts came to mind. It felt like a dream. Even with his eyes closed, Ki Baek-woo’s vision was blurred. This feeling… it seemed like the first time. No. It wasn’t the first time.
“Hyung, Han-sol hyung…”
“Why.”
“Really, it’s you, right? This is real, right…? I’m not deluding myself again, am I imagining things on my own…? I’m not crazy, right…? It’s really you, right…?”
Ki Baek-woo, who had been stroking Lee Han-sol as if to memorize his shape with his hands, whispered in agony.
“What am I if not Lee Han-sol, this damn bastard…”
Ah… it’s hyung, right, it’s hyung, my hyung… Ki Baek-woo couldn’t control his trembling body and hugged Lee Han-sol tightly. As if he wanted to stick to Lee Han-sol’s body. The emotion was too overwhelming. This was the old feeling he had felt when he first saw the eight-year-old Lee Han-sol running frantically in the corridor of the apartment complex when he was only five years old.
The feeling of being completely dependent on this person.
“There was only you, hyung. It was always only you. Without you, I didn’t even want to live. I wouldn’t have been born. I would have died right after being born. If you tell me to die, I can jump into a fire pit right away… I’m serious. You are my world. I will never leave your world. Really…”
“……”
“My god is you. It’s not some strange world like this. You are my god and my world. I love you… really, I love you more than anything, even death.”
“……”
“I will do well from now on. I will do everything you tell me to…”
I love you. I really love you. I love you so much it feels like I could die. I love you. I love you, love you, love you, love you. I love you so much…
Ki Baek-woo spoke almost in a whimper. He whispered the word “love” endlessly as if he would say it forever. His arms around Lee Han-sol’s back trembled, unable to handle the surging emotions. It was pitiful and sad. He felt ridiculous, but to Lee Han-sol, Ki Baek-woo had always been pitiful like this. Even after dying and coming back twenty-five times, he hadn’t changed. Now, he couldn’t deny it. Even after this life began, Lee Han-sol was always… like this. Miserably so.
“Yeah… You really have to do well. If I tell you to die, you have to die… I, because of you…”
I’ve given up on so much because of you…
He responded weakly and hugged Ki Baek-woo back. Then, as if he had been waiting, Ki Baek-woo matched their lips. It was a passionate kiss with their tongues entwined.
Once the line was crossed, emotions poured out. The two hugged each other as if they were going to crush each other, making up for all the time they had been apart.
“Hyung, hyung… Han-sol hyung…”
Ki Baek-woo buried his face in the curve of Lee Han-sol’s neck and shoulder, breathing deeply. As if he didn’t want to let go of the familiar scent, he inhaled deeply, but the breath that came out was very shallow and faint. Ki Baek-woo acted like an animal marking its territory, rubbing his body. He kept rubbing his forehead and cheek against Lee Han-sol’s exposed neck.
This won’t make our scents mix. Lee Han-sol thought that Ki Baek-woo was doing something pointless, but he rested his cheek against Ki Baek-woo’s head, which was clinging to him. The sobbing that had seemed like it would never stop gradually subsided. Lee Han-sol felt drained. Fatigue suddenly overwhelmed him. It wasn’t strange. Until just a moment ago, he had been so tense that his vision had almost gone black.
The intense tension that had started from the moment he entered the central center lobby. His pulse pounding as if it would burst. A strange sensation where his body was turning cold with hesitation, fear, regret, and conflict, but his clenched fists were becoming damp with sweat as he got closer to where Ki Baek-woo was.
And the moment he saw Ki Baek-woo stupidly sitting in front of a door, he felt as if he was lacking oxygen. Lee Han-sol felt that if he didn’t clench his teeth, he wouldn’t be able to endure the numbness of that moment. It was an overwhelming and urgent sensation, as if he might die instantly. His body became stiff, and he didn’t know what to do in front of Ki Baek-woo’s gaze. As if his semicircular canals were broken, he lost his sense of balance in an instant. His thoughts twisted precariously. Because of that, during the entire ride on the public bus moving between districts, the logical and calm contents that Lee Han-sol had organized and reorganized were mixed up. They became worthless trash and flowed into his subconscious. At least for this moment of meeting Ki Baek-woo again, the old emotions he had tried to hide, pretending not to know, welled up.
I need to explain calmly. Since I’ve made up my mind to do this, I should do it well, like a proper hyung.
Pushing reason aside, his brain swelled hotly. Lee Han-sol couldn’t stop it.
It wasn’t Ki Baek-woo’s fault, and we were both just victims. Blaming him wouldn’t change anything. Lee Han-sol knew that. He accepted that Ki Baek-woo couldn’t help it either. He had shouted that he had forgotten all about someone like Ki Baek-woo, but in reality, even that was a lie to deceive himself. He didn’t want to admit it and felt like he was going crazy, but in the end, he admitted it. That’s why he ended up coming here.
That was definitely how it was.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
