#156
Hyung is crying, but I was having lustful thoughts. This time too, I didn’t know anything as usual…!
Ki Baek-woo’s two hands trembled frantically toward Lee Han-sol. His hand tried to carelessly touch the cheek where tears were dripping down, but stopped close by. If I touch him, will hyung cry more? Before that, can I touch hyung? Am I someone who can make contact with hyung? We just kissed. We even kissed… was that all the last act of charity hyung gave me before everything ended?
Because hyung is kind, he endured the discomfort enough to make him cry and gave me one last…
Ki Baek-woo’s hand trembled as if it had fallen into ice water and hesitantly pulled back.
I didn’t want to make hyung cry ever again. Why am I…
“I’m sorry, I was wrong. Hyung, don’t cry. I’m sorry, hyung, don’t cry… I was wrong, it’s all my fault… don’t cry, please…”
“……”
“I’ll stop now. I’ll stop, hyung I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.”
Sorry, I’m sorry. Hyung, I’m sorry for being born. I’m sorry for meeting hyung. I’m sorry for liking hyung. I’m sorry that I, an idiot like me, likes hyung… I’ll disappear somehow, hyung. So don’t cry… I’m so scared of hyung crying now… it would be better if the world collapsed instead. I was wrong, I’ll never bother you again, so hyung please don’t cry because of me…
Ki Baek-woo begged frantically, not knowing what to do. He liked Lee Han-sol. He liked him so much he couldn’t live without Lee Han-sol. At first sight, he felt that he was his destiny. So he wanted to stay by his side somehow. Struggling desperately to do so was his entire life. To be with Lee Han-sol, to not be cast away from his side, to become the closest person to him, enduring, hiding, and trying hard. Without that, nothing remained in his past. He had loved him.
“Hyung, I’m sorry… I’m sorry… can’t you not cry… hyung, I’m sorry…”
Ki Baek-woo had once thought it would be good if Lee Han-sol withered and rotted someday. He had also thought it would be good if he was buried in the dirt so no one could find Lee Han-sol. No, in fact, he had such thoughts almost every day. He liked him so much that rather than being happy, he was anxious. If Lee Han-sol became ruined so that no one would want him, then he would be the only one in the world who wanted him, and then he thought he could be happy.
But Ki Baek-woo didn’t want to do that himself. He only hoped that something completely unrelated to Ki Baek-woo would do so, quite by chance, in an unexpected accident. Because he could never ruin Lee Han-sol with his own hands. If he got hurt because of him and looked at himself with empty eyes… he couldn’t bear such a thing. Just thinking about it felt like falling into hell.
But how many times is this now? How many times has hyung suffered because of me…
Now knowing what he had done in the past, he still made him cry. He had hurt him. What Lee Han-sol said was right. Ki Baek-woo couldn’t bear this sin. Afraid that touching him would hurt him again, Ki Baek-woo couldn’t even wipe away Lee Han-sol’s tears falling emptily. What am I holding onto when I can’t even do such a simple thing? His selfishness felt like a monster to him. Destroying and ruining everything himself. He couldn’t endure it anymore.
“I’ll disappear so I won’t bother you, please… I really can’t make hyung anymore, hyung to me, ah… hyung please don’t hate me anymore… don’t become like that… I’ll really disappear… somehow, please…”
Ki Baek-woo hung his head and begged as if he would die right away, as if he would die until he died.
“Don’t cry, please don’t cry… I don’t know what to do when hyung cries. It feels like the world is collapsing… I’m sorry for liking you, so please…”
Lee Han-sol was expressionless and said nothing. With a tired face like a lost person, he only let tears drip down. He looked at the trembling Ki Baek-woo for a long time. His pale complexion from panic, the red bruises blooming all over his exposed neck, the bandage on his left cheek damp with blood.
Lee Han-sol closed his eyes as if he was too tired to continue. The tears began to flow more, streaming down.
“I can’t do it anymore. I absolutely can’t win until the end. I’m just destined to be like this. It’s fucking awful. But there’s nothing I can do, it’s all over…”
He muttered in a completely hoarse voice. Ki Baek-woo felt his body breaking at those words. So it’s really the end after all. It’s… over. A powerless sensation like being submerged under deep water filled him.
Then, Lee Han-sol’s limp hand settled on Ki Baek-woo’s head. Ki Baek-woo’s uncontrollable trembling stopped a little. Lee Han-sol’s hand came down weakly along Ki Baek-woo. Ki Baek-woo’s distinct eyebrow bone, ear tip, dry cheek… he stroked the sharpened jawline with tired hands. And he pressed down firmly with his thumb on his lips that were damp with the aftermath of the kiss from moments ago and tears. Lee Han-sol’s index finger tapped Ki Baek-woo’s chin. Like calling a puppy.
Hesitating, Ki Baek-woo raised his head very slowly at that gesture. His eyes, sunken low and gloomy, couldn’t look directly at Lee Han-sol and reached about his shoulder. He spoke again with a miserable face.
“Please. Don’t cry because of me, I’m sorry…”
Lee Han-sol asked back. A cracked voice filled with exhaustion.
“What for.”
Ki Baek-woo bit his lips and hesitated for a moment.
“…I’m sorry for everything. I was wrong.”
“What did you do wrong?”
“…Because I’m hyung’s disaster.”
Ki Baek-woo swallowed dry saliva and moved his lips. He briefly made eye contact with Lee Han-sol with an unfocused gaze, then hastily hung his head at his tears that were still flowing. Even so, after hesitating a bit more, he soon answered quietly.
“If it weren’t for me, hyung wouldn’t have had to cry like this. Why did I…”
“……”
“Why did I love hyung… Someone like me overstepped without knowing my place and ruined everything… I dared to be greedy. I… hyung, I’m sorry for loving you.”
I know, even though I know everything now, I couldn’t give up. I liked you too much. My loving you is a disaster for hyung, I know that now, but I couldn’t let go. I thought I’d die without hyung so I just pretended not to know. Hyung wouldn’t cry if I weren’t here, but knowing that, I was selfish. I’m sorry… I’m sorry for loving hyung. I’m sorry that someone like me loves hyung. I’m really sorry that someone like me loves you. In the future…
Ki Baek-woo, who had been whispering reluctantly as if speaking in his ear, closed his mouth again. He bit his lips until they bled, then spoke as if he’d rather die than say it.
“…I won’t do that anymore.”
“What.”
“……”
“What won’t you do anymore?”
Ki Baek-woo closed his mouth again and postponed his answer. Instead of him, Lee Han-sol answered himself.
“Because it’s all your sin, you won’t love me anymore. That’s what you said, isn’t it.”
“……”
“Even though I told you to get lost, you clung to my ankles and blocked my path, but now you’re saying you’ll disappear forever. That’s what you said just now.”
Lee Han-sol’s expression remained indifferently unchanged. Ki Baek-woo clenched his fists and hesitated several times before nodding once. Like a cow being dragged to the slaughterhouse, everything was forced. Lee Han-sol sat down quietly, watched that pitiful scene, then asked casually.
“Then what about me?”
“……”
“Should I not do it either?”
Ki Baek-woo’s shoulders flinched. But his head was still buried downward. Looking at such Ki Baek-woo, Lee Han-sol sobbed as if laughing. Once he started making sounds, the tears turned into violent crying as if they had just burst. Lee Han-sol cried as if the country had fallen. While doing so, as if he really didn’t want to say it, reluctantly spitting it out, struggling, he said.
“Should I not love you either? Should I do that?”
“……”
“Answer me.”
“……”
“Why aren’t you answering again? Answer me, you can do it. I directly confirmed just a moment ago that your tongue is perfectly attached, so why won’t you speak!”
I’m asking, should I really stop too? Should we never meet again? I can do that, so should I do that? Answer me! I hate it most when you don’t answer, what’s so precious about a simple answer that you act expensive. Are you that great? I won’t wait for your answer ever again, won’t cling just to hear one thing from you, I won’t do such things anymore. Answer me, should I not love you? Should I do that?
Lee Han-sol, with his face completely soaked and damp with tears, muttered reluctantly like a cow being dragged to the slaughterhouse. With an expression of being wronged to death, he crawled and sat in front of Ki Baek-woo again. He grabbed Ki Baek-woo’s patient gown by the collar and roughly pulled him close again. Only then did Ki Baek-woo raise his head. His frightened gaze hesitantly examined Lee Han-sol’s complexion, flushed red with intense emotion. Close enough for their breaths to mingle.
The two sat closely facing each other like before, examining each other bewilderedly with eyes that were wavering, confused, sad, and anguished. As if they could eventually see into each other’s hearts if they kept looking. But no matter how much they looked, they couldn’t know the heart hidden beneath the skin, and all they could see were each other’s familiar eyes.
Longing, desperate, always waiting eyes. It has to be you. Without you, it’s like being dead. We have to be together until the end. Let’s survive together. It’s a promise.
All there was were familiar gazes that were so honest they were almost boring. Ki Baek-woo’s mouth and jaw trembled slightly. He asked in a withdrawn tone as if it was too perfect to believe. It was a slow, hesitant voice that was hopeful yet terrified.
“Hyung, I… that is, hyung, you… I think I’m misunderstanding again on my own… hyung, I…”
“You what.”
“I… do you still like me a little…?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
