#150
‘But, Han-sol. Who are you really fighting with right now?’
Lee Han-sol’s forehead bumped against the window with each jolt of the bus. The familiar route he had traveled countless times, the scenery he had seen until he was sick of it—everything felt strangely unfamiliar, making him feel odd. Thinking about how it takes so long to get used to things, yet they crumble in an instant, everything seemed pointless. Han-sol recalled what Choi Tae-hyun had asked him the night before.
‘You said you don’t want to lose, don’t want to crumble. Who are you saying that about?’
After Han-sol’s tears had finally subsided, leaving his eyes hollow, Choi Tae-hyun had caught him off guard with that question as he met his gaze. Han-sol couldn’t give any answer.
‘Have you been fighting with people?’
‘…’
‘With your friends… and with me?’
Choi Tae-hyun held onto Han-sol, who had frozen like a switched-off machine, and kept probing. As if determined to find the small thing inside the unidentifiable monster that Han-sol had constructed by patching together everything visible to him. That’s not what’s important. Han-sol wanted to say that. But even those words wouldn’t come out.
‘Or is it Hunter Ki Baek-woo?’
‘Why…’
Han-sol tried to evade the question as he always did, asking why he was asking such things now, if it was really necessary, but this time Choi Tae-hyun wouldn’t let him off. He was unlike his usual self who would easily laugh things off.
‘The person who’s tormenting you, the entity you’re fighting with right now. Is that person Hunter Ki Baek-woo?’
Stop it. Han-sol shook his head with that meaning. The gesture was somehow awkward and clumsy. Then, suddenly realizing this might seem like admitting Ki Baek-woo’s innocence, he hastily stopped. He blinked rapidly. He opened his mouth to refute somehow, closed it when no thoughts came, and repeatedly stammered with incomparably stupid sounds like “Um, well, no, I…” Heat rose to his neck and face.
Ki Baek-woo is… well, Ki Baek-woo is…
Han-sol whispered inwardly, very quietly.
No.
It was such a small, faint monologue that even he could barely perceive it. It’s not Kim Jin-oh, not Ham Yun-ah either… not you either…
It’s not Ki Baek-woo…
Choi Tae-hyun didn’t rush Han-sol, who had turned abruptly red and seemed shocked. He waited, holding Han-sol’s trembling hand, gently rubbing the back of it with his thumb, sharing warmth as if to comfort him.
“…”
Han-sol peeled his forehead away from the bus window, which he had been butting against like an angry sheep. The upward road from Zone B to Zone A, the outside scenery that had become unfamiliar in the short time he hadn’t traveled between the two cities, the public bus sparsely filled as it was the first bus of the morning. Sitting amidst all this, Han-sol muttered in a hushed voice.
“…Be clear about your enemy.”
Just hate that one thing. That’s what Choi Tae-hyun had eventually said to Han-sol, who didn’t open his mouth till the end.
‘I’m not saying don’t hate anyone. I’m not trying to say forgiveness is the best revenge. Why forgive? It’s only natural to want to repay someone who has taken something precious from you.’
‘…’
‘But Han-sol, you already know this better than anyone. Hating someone is really hard work.’
I’m not trying to say something nice on purpose, there are scientific reasons too. The limbic system… hormones… but, would it be inappropriate to talk about that now?
Choi Tae-hyun deliberately let out a soft laugh. A kind expression that clearly showed his desire to ease Han-sol’s tension. A friendly attitude that seemed to say, See? I’m not your enemy. Each gentle pronunciation that followed.
‘To hate something, you have to keep thinking about why you hate it. Take Hotteok from today. Hotteok probably resents Tanbbang. So whenever Hotteok hears Tanbbang’s name or meets Tanbbang, it will think: I hate that one because it stole my friend. Then it’ll get angry again, and being angry is tiring and exhausting. But what if Hotteok starts to hate Ppomi too, who became friends with Tanbbang? And then starts to hate the park where it met Ppomi? And then resents its owner for taking it to that park?’
‘…’
‘What if, so hurt that it never wants to feel that way again, it becomes wary and contemptuous of everyone it passes by? Then how far, how long will Hotteok suffer?’
Han-sol. Choi Tae-hyun’s call at that moment was as dense and firm as words pressed hard onto paper.
‘It’s okay to dislike someone who torments you. It’s okay to get revenge. But be clear about your target, and hate only that. That way, you can limit how much you suffer. That way, your revenge can succeed too. So, Han-sol…’
‘…Yeah.’
‘I want you to suffer as little as possible.’
‘…Yeah.’
‘I want you… to be happy.’
I don’t want you to be alone in the dark like that ever again. I want you to eat well, sleep well, exercise diligently, and be healthy. And I want… to be your friend. For you to be happy. So, can I ask you once more?
What are you really fighting against?
Choi Tae-hyun’s oversized hoodie that Han-sol had borrowed without permission. Han-sol pulled the hood over his head, covering up to his forehead, and shoved his hands into the side pockets. Also Choi Tae-hyun’s mule sneakers that he had borrowed without asking. With the shoes being too large, his feet shifted inside them as he pressed his lips firmly together.
‘I know.’
He thought.
‘I’ve always known.’
Even when he was hungry, when his bed was uncomfortable, when he struggled for daily survival on the streets. Even in those young days when he couldn’t do anything without stealing from someone, when he was beaten until his body was covered in bruises, when he received vicious curses and swears as if they were greetings… Han-sol’s life was somehow warm. It was like sunshine in a bright spot, sparkling like the scales of a fish. He didn’t despair. He was always holding Ki Baek-woo’s hand tightly. So even if he staggered, he never fell.
What dragged the Han-sol of those days down to where he is now… it wasn’t Ki Baek-woo. What cut off both Han-sol’s arms and hands so he couldn’t cling to Ki Baek-woo and hold on… it wasn’t Ki Baek-woo. What dragged the helpless Han-sol like a pig and threw him off a cliff… that wasn’t Ki Baek-woo either. It had never been Ki Baek-woo.
Han-sol and Ki Baek-woo were just mirrors reflecting each other. Just two incompetent, weak victims equally broken by a damn system full of malice.
None of them are perpetrators.
‘I knew…’
What made Han-sol like this is the damn system, not anyone else. It was the system from beginning to end.
“It’s just…”
He pretended not to know because there was no way to resist. Because he couldn’t even understand what this “system” was or what it looked like, Han-sol had simply sprayed his overflowing hatred everywhere. Whether it was because of the system or not, it didn’t matter. Anyway, you all make me suffer, I’m the most pitiful one! He desperately insisted, rationalizing like that. Because he felt he needed someone to blame in order to endure.
In truth, both Han-sol and Ki Baek-woo… and even Jung Yi-dam were all just pieces being moved at will on a game board.
Accepting that had been so difficult. Even when the opportunity to end it all came, Han-sol couldn’t accept that one thing, and that’s how he ended up here. He had always wanted to live, always needed something to hold onto, needed affection he could rely on. But Han-sol didn’t have the courage to crawl out of his buried grave and grasp it. Because wounds don’t become stronger the more you get them; you just become more afraid. That’s why Han-sol, who deep down knew everything, needed someone to push him forward.
‘You’re just in love, Han-sol. That you try so hard to dislike despite it being so difficult means you love so much that you can’t even hate without consciously trying.’
Just think about being happy. Not about returning unhappiness to others, but solely about your own happiness.
Han-sol desperately needed someone to tell him that, like Choi Tae-hyun had in the early dawn. So desperately that he had to leave in a hurry with just a hastily written note, without time to say goodbye. So desperately that he immediately boarded a public bus to Zone A. Han-sol self-deprecatingly thought.
Then he took out the phone he had been clutching tightly in his pocket. The device that had shut down from battery depletion due to endless incoming calls when he was desperately avoiding news of Ki Baek-woo. Although he hadn’t turned it on even once since then, Han-sol had been meaninglessly charging it every day. Ruminating on how foolish and ridiculous he was.
Han-sol pressed the hold button for a long time to turn on his phone after a long while. The brand logo appearing on the screen made him feel queasy, like motion sickness. Though he had pretended not to know, he actually knew whose number it was that kept leaving him missed calls. Knowing this, he had avoided it till the end.
“…”
Han-sol checked the incredible number of missed calls that had accumulated, showing as [999+] while his phone was off. He dialed the number and called.
The call connected as if it had been waiting.
– Hunter Lee Han-sol!
The voice that burst out like a scream was loud. Even the passenger sitting in front of Han-sol was startled enough to turn around.
“Yes.”
– If you’re going to keep your phone turned off like that, why did you even buy one! Is it just for decoration?! I…!
“Yes.”
– Do you know how much I’ve missed Hunter Lee Han-sol, how I’ve been thinking only of you, Hunter…! Hunter…! I’m so sorry for contacting you like this, I’ve committed a mortal sin! But it couldn’t be helped, ahhh! Assistant Park! Assistant Park, catch him quickly! He’s running away over there, catch him!
“Manager… What’s-his-name?”
Han-sol called out to the person amid the commotion coming through the receiver. A response close to a wail came back.
– This is Jang Eun-jun from the Hunter Management Team…! Since you’ve called like this, please just do me one favor…! Think of it as saving the lives of our Hunter Management Team staff, please, please, please…!
Han-sol responded.
“Yes, put him on.”
– What?!
“That’s why you left thousands of missed calls like some crazy jealous spouse, right? Put him on, Ki Baek-woo.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
