#149
Lee Han-sol’s chest heaved as he breathed heavily, seemingly excited. Choi Tae-hyuk thought he could see something stirring beyond Lee Han-sol’s eyes. For example, his memories, old emotions, hidden feelings. Things like that.
He couldn’t help but notice. It was a story about himself that Lee Han-sol had never properly shared.
Choi Tae-hyuk hesitated a little, then spoke in a very gentle tone.
“Do you remember what you talked about before?”
“We’re talking about Hotteok right now, why suddenly…!”
“When we made the mini cars together. You once asked me what it would feel like if a friend you had been with for a very long time betrayed you.”
Lee Han-sol froze, stopping all movement. Choi Tae-hyuk asked casually.
“Is it about that person?”
Lee Han-sol’s gaze fixed on Choi Tae-hyuk was blank, as if in a daze. He looked flustered, as if caught off guard. No, no. It’s not about me. As if wanting to deny it that way, he shook his head from side to side. A chilly wind blew between the two of them. Choi Tae-hyuk thought now was the time.
“Will you tell me? Who betrayed you? Who made you suffer like this?”
“…No, it’s not like that.”
No… it’s not like that… Lee Han-sol floundered, not knowing what to do. He blinked rapidly with a tense attitude like someone whose secret had been discovered. His complexion paled as if he couldn’t think of any excuse. Choi Tae-hyuk wondered, why?
What kind of problem was so impossible to talk about? When in fact, once shared, it might turn out to be nothing.
After a moment’s consideration, Choi Tae-hyuk asked again first.
“Is it Hunter Ki Baek-woo? The person you’ve been thinking about all this time.”
“I don’t think about him.”
With hands as urgent as his hasty retort, Lee Han-sol pushed Choi Tae-hyuk away. He stepped back cautiously. His expression was stained with tremendous shame, as if his most private flaw had been exposed in front of thousands of people.
“Who says I’ve been thinking about anyone? What do you know to talk like that?”
Lee Han-sol’s brief, firm denial resonated with Choi Tae-hyuk as having a much longer meaning.
‘No, I haven’t been so fixated on Ki Baek-woo that you would notice. I didn’t think about him enough that I couldn’t hide it. I just resented him a little. The feelings I forced down haven’t burst out that much yet!’
Lee Han-sol seemed to be saying that with his entire body. When Choi Tae-hyuk didn’t respond, Lee Han-sol groaned, “Ugh,” choked with indignation. He shook his head quickly.
“Stop pretending you know. You’re completely wrong.”
After lashing out, Lee Han-sol turned away and strode toward the park exit alone. Choi Tae-hyuk picked up Ppomi and quietly followed behind.
When they had left the house, the street had definitely been filled with the sounds of people living their lives from all around, but in just an hour, a somber atmosphere had settled over the road. Lee Han-sol walked ahead with large, unhindered strides, as if showing off that he was fine. Nevertheless, his darkness-stained back looked weak, as if it might crumble at any moment. Choi Tae-hyuk was curious.
Just how much did Lee Han-sol like Ki Baek-woo?
Emotional wounds remain proportional to the affection felt. If that was the case, if the wound was severe enough to disturb all of Lee Han-sol and make him deny himself, if the wound was enough to shake his thoughts, emotions, past, and present from time to time, and if Ki Baek-woo was the one who had inflicted that wound…
Was Ki Baek-woo everything to Lee Han-sol? Was he the only existence for Lee Han-sol that absolutely no one else could replace?
“…Ah.”
Lee Han-sol, who had been striding forward, suddenly stopped with an irritated sigh. Just a few more steps and they would be on the street where the entrance to Choi Tae-hyuk’s building was located. Choi Tae-hyuk, following Lee Han-sol’s back three steps behind, also stopped. Under the cream-colored streetlight where no one else was around, Lee Han-sol suddenly began to fidget as if something had gone wrong. After pacing in the same spot, he soon began to groan as if getting angry.
Ah, this is driving me crazy, ah, why me, why…
Irritated breathing mixed with frustration. Moaning as if in distress. After wandering helplessly, not knowing what to do, he finally pulled at his hair and collapsed to the ground.
“What am I supposed to do… what do you want me to do…”
Don’t appear. Don’t come here. Don’t show yourself to me. Don’t tell me you can’t do without me… Don’t tell me you can’t do without me, that you went against all predetermined fate because of that…
Choi Tae-hyuk held Ppomi and waited until Lee Han-sol was exhausted. An ordinary streetlight in front of the house. As if he had buried memories that only he knew there, Lee Han-sol lingered for a long time before finally getting up with a creak and stumbling slightly. Choi Tae-hyuk, still following behind, couldn’t tell what he had been thinking.
***
A quiet house after a late return. Choi Tae-hyuk, who had just finished showering, came out to the living room, drying his wet hair with a towel. After throwing the used towel into the laundry basket in the utility room, he sat on the floor and leaned against the sofa at an angle. That’s when he saw Lee Han-sol lying on his side with his knees curled up. Resting his cheek on his arm atop the soft cushion, Choi Tae-hyuk asked.
“Should I dry your hair for you?”
“No…”
“If you’re sleepy, go inside and sleep. If you can’t fall asleep, I’ll wrap you in the blanket again.”
“Not really…”
“Then should we watch something fun on TV?”
Choi Tae-hyuk picked up the remote control on the coffee table and pressed the power button.
‘This is hunter news. Amid S-class Hunter Ki Baek-woo’s ongoing serious injury reports, questions about the responsibility of the Association and Center have been raised…’
As if by some cruel joke, Ki Baek-woo’s name jumped out, and the TV was turned off as quickly as it had been turned on. The living room air became strangely solemn. A meaningless silence stretched on. Only the small pitter-patter of Ppomi’s feet could be heard briefly as she came out of the bedroom and approached Lee Han-sol.
It was Lee Han-sol who broke the heavy silence that seemed like it would continue forever.
“Train Ppomi properly. Please. What if you let her commit betrayal or something?”
“I will…”
Choi Tae-hyuk nodded while stroking Ppomi. The conversation didn’t continue. Lee Han-sol, lost in thought, lay sprawled on the sofa, blinking silently. His gaze remained fixed on empty space. It was an extreme atmosphere that seemed both blank and overly complicated at the same time. After a meaningless silence, Lee Han-sol’s weak voice continued faintly.
“…I didn’t abandon him.”
“Hm?”
“I never… abandoned Ki Baek-woo.”
Choi Tae-hyuk calmly nodded at the story that began at an unexpected timing. Hiding his slightly surprised feelings well, he replied, “I see.”
“He abandoned me. He abandoned me so many times. Everything Choi Tae-hyun said was bullshit from someone who knows nothing. That bastard doesn’t know anything. He’s just running his mouth…”
“…Yeah.”
“I… only had him. We were the only two people in the world…”
Choi Tae-hyuk carefully observed Lee Han-sol’s demeanor. Without any change in his appearance, he was still in the same position, staring into empty space. In the quiet stillness, Ppomi yawned loudly. With the sound of pitter-patter, she went into her own house placed in the living room. She curled up and closed her eyes.
“Without him, I was truly alone, and without me, he was truly alone too. But, being alone is lonely… If I had been alone from the beginning, it would have been fine, but when there were two of us and then only one remains… So we desperately clung to each other…”
That way we weren’t scared, Lee Han-sol’s voice continued in a small whisper. His monotonous tone, devoid of any emotion except fatigue, strangely had a strong presence. With the inorganic voice characteristic of someone who had given up, Lee Han-sol paused for a moment.
“But one day, he suddenly left me behind. He said he didn’t need me anymore. But I still needed him… I couldn’t be without him… He left saying it was our fate. He never looked back at me. Even though I was dying over and over again.”
“……”
“I… wanted to live. Actually, I never wanted to die. I wanted to turn twenty-seven, thirty, and live normally until I grew old and died.”
Choi Tae-hyuk silently nodded once.
“Because I had to live, I had no choice but to resent him.”
I didn’t need anything else. The only thing I wanted was him, but I was told I couldn’t have him even if I stole him. That’s too unhappy, isn’t it? It’s like walking through a desert without water for a lifetime. It was too hard. I couldn’t live. So I had to hate Ki Baek-woo. Just like you need very clean water to make filthy sewage somewhat normal… in the opposite way.
After pausing briefly, Lee Han-sol curled up like a fetus in the womb. Sensing his presence becoming dim and vague, Choi Tae-hyuk reflexively reached out to grab him. He felt a sense of crisis, as if Lee Han-sol might disappear at any moment.
“I had to pour out a lot of hatred. I thought only about that until I started to hate myself too. I couldn’t possibly stand up with a half-hearted attitude. After struggling like that for a long time, I finally became able to somewhat pretend not to know Ki Baek-woo.”
“……”
“Ki Baek-woo, the bastard who took him away, the sons of bitches who look down on me… By repeatedly thinking that I would definitely get revenge on them, I finally felt like I could breathe. I really couldn’t live because I felt so wronged.”
Lee Han-sol hugged his knees, which he had curled up as if to protect himself from the outside world. “But…” His quiet, weak voice painfully connected each word.
“But now he says he’s giving me a chance. He says he’ll give me the chance to live according to that fate I believed in a long time ago… Ki Baek-woo, he…”
“…Yes.”
“He says he didn’t really want to abandon me all this time. He says there were unavoidable circumstances, that Ki Baek-woo was suffering just as much while I was in pain, and now he says it was all my one-sided misunderstanding… If that’s the case, what am I supposed to do…?”
I thought the whole world hated me. Like Ki Baek-woo, I thought everyone despised me. But he says I had friends. He says they’ll take my side. I thought everyone just wanted to see me in despair, but you, Choi Tae-hyuk, are telling me to be happy.
Lee Han-sol began to sob while still curled up. Just like when Choi Tae-hyuk had kicked down the front door of his house, and he was hiding under the blanket. With the same appearance as the Lee Han-sol who seemed like he might crumble at any moment back then, he mumbled sorrowfully.
“So, my heart keeps wavering… I keep feeling like I’m wrong… I think I might be able to have Ki Baek-woo. I think we might be able to be together. Even though that’s impossible… it’s really impossible…”
“Han-sol…”
“But, this time, I think he might really overcome all that predetermined fate stuff and stay by my side…”
So, I feel like I’m going to collapse. I don’t want to collapse anymore, I’m really sick of losing now. Ki Baek-woo, Jung Yi-dam, that damn bastard Choi Tae-hyuk, I want to pay back all those trash who made me suffer… But I’m scared that I won’t be able to do it… What should I do… What am I really supposed to do now…
Lee Han-sol now trembled and cried. After sniffling, he soon wailed and sobbed loudly. Choi Tae-hyuk embraced the curled-up Lee Han-sol, comforting and patting him.
That night, as if pouring out twenty-five iterations of sorrow all at once, Lee Han-sol continued whispering until late into the night. Until both he and Choi Tae-hyuk fell asleep from exhaustion.
And by the time Choi Tae-hyuk opened his eyes in the morning, Lee Han-sol was already gone.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
