#147
“What?”
“I already told you that I want Lee Han-sol to be happy. And for a person to be happy instead of depressed, they first need to eat well and sleep well. You know how they say that among human desires, appetite and the need for sleep are the greatest.”
“Stop joking around. Do you think I’d still fall for that? What does that have to do with this? You’re just tormenting me, playing with me and laughing at me…!”
“But doing this helps you sleep well, doesn’t it?”
Lee Han-sol, who was about to reflexively argue back, paused. He hadn’t particularly been aware of it, but thinking about it now, he seemed to have slept well the past few days. Not wanting to reveal this thought, Lee Han-sol deliberately widened his eyes and glared at Choi Tae-hyuk. He bit his lip tensely.
In countless repeated timelines, Lee Han-sol had experienced insomnia to the point of weariness. But in this current iteration, where he had resolved to give up everything, he had been sleeping well and eating properly. As if trying to compensate for all the sleeplessness and hunger from before, he would close his eyes at night regardless of whether he felt tired, and would force himself to chew and swallow food even when he wasn’t particularly hungry. The one who had disrupted this finally-stabilized pattern was, once again, Ki Baek-woo. It was Ki Baek-woo who had made the previous versions of Lee Han-sol unable to sleep or eat, and now again, without fail.
When he became unable to sleep again, Lee Han-sol wasn’t even surprised. Ki Baek-woo who acted coldly because he liked someone else, Ki Baek-woo who Lee Han-sol clung to because he liked him—both versions had this effect on him.
Then perhaps Ki Baek-woo himself was the problem?
The thought came naturally. Maybe Ki Baek-woo was like a virus. No matter what form he took, he remained a harmful virus, and the moment Lee Han-sol made contact with him, he was destined to become unhealthy and unhappy. So the current Lee Han-sol, torn between revenge and Ki Baek-woo, was probably the most pathetic being in the world. Because no fool would willingly jump into misery when the path to glory was available. What a waste to even consider something not worth contemplating.
The renewed insomnia and nausea transformed into self-loathing, seething inside Lee Han-sol as if to completely erode him. But after being dragged to Choi Tae-hyuk’s house, at some point, he became able to fall asleep again. Lee Han-sol hadn’t particularly been conscious of this, but thinking about it, today, yesterday, and the day before… he had slept deeply without dreaming. After that, his body, which had been drooping with exhaustion, recovered somewhat, giving the current Lee Han-sol enough strength to keep glaring at Choi Tae-hyuk like this.
‘So what? Are you trying to say that my sleeping well is all thanks to you, and that it’s all out of pure goodwill? Simply because you felt sorry that I couldn’t sleep? That’s ridiculous. Do you think I’m an idiot?’
Choi Tae-hyuk’s eyes looked clear, as if saying: I’m completely innocent. All I want is for you to eat well, sleep well, and regain your strength. How annoying. Lee Han-sol cursed inwardly and deliberately persisted in glaring at him more severely. In response, Choi Tae-hyuk laughed softly, as if whatever Lee Han-sol thought, he would remain unchanged.
“Wrapping you in the blanket wasn’t to torment you. One of my friends suffered from insomnia, and that’s a method they taught me. Since you seemed to really struggle with sleeping, I asked them for advice.”
Always the same, as if he was looking out for Lee Han-sol…
“This is one of the methods they suggested—applying moderate pressure to the body like for a newborn baby helps relieve anxiety and makes it easier to fall asleep. So I tried it on you just in case, and it seemed to work well since you fell asleep quickly for once…”
If it felt like I was tormenting you, I apologize, Choi Tae-hyuk said, lowering his eyebrows in a concerned expression and apologizing quite readily.
“As I’ve said several times, I can tell you whenever you want.”
“…”
“There’s no strange intention behind my liking you. I just like you. And because I like you, I want you to always feel good and be happy. I’m not trying to make fun of you, nor do I have any other intentions… I swear there’s nothing like that, so don’t worry. If you want, I can bet Ppomi on it. Because it’s the truth.”
The calmly continued words felt like pure sincerity with nothing hidden, making Lee Han-sol somehow feel cornered. I need to refute something. I need to say I don’t believe it. There’s no way someone like you would go that far for someone like me. I know that well. I know who I am and how this world works. So I…
Lee Han-sol moved his lips to say something, but ultimately closed his mouth without making a sound. Inwardly, he continued his wearisome self-loathing, calling himself an idiot.
Idiot. Idiot idiot idiotidiotidiotidiot… Moron!
Why are you just listening to this? You could just deny it, say everything he said is a lie, and be done with it, but instead you’re keeping your mouth shut like this… what for?! It’s as if you immediately accepted that all of Choi Tae-hyuk’s annoying actions were really out of goodwill toward you. As if you were just waiting for him to explain himself. Like a stupid kid deliberately doing dangerous things just to confirm their parents’ love… Lee Han-sol found his heart, which had so quickly become like this, laughably pathetic. He hated himself to death.
The fact that he thought, “I’m fortunate,” was truly dreadful to him.
Fortunate that there was even one person saying they wanted him to be happy, one person who would comfort him by saying they’d tell him as many times as needed if he couldn’t believe it, fortunate that it wasn’t a lie fabricated to insult Lee Han-sol… thinking like that about himself…
“…Say whatever you want. I don’t believe you. You like me…? You, the landlord, like me?”
Lee Han-sol chewed on his lip and barely managed to spit out such words.
Why does the heart become so weak so quickly? Lee Han-sol didn’t want to acknowledge his own weakness and softness. Twenty-five times. It’s a long time spanning over twenty years. That’s how long it took for Lee Han-sol to put his heart in an iron box and close the lid. So shouldn’t he be cold at least twenty-five times more? Shouldn’t he be able to easily ignore such sweet talk twenty-five times over for it to be fair…?
Lee Han-sol felt empty. It took a very long time for him to let go of Ki Baek-woo, for his heart to become as cold and hard as metal. But it takes only once to crumble.
The time until now felt futile, so Lee Han-sol strained himself and focused his eyes. Choi Tae-hyuk, facing him, let out a short sigh. He hung his head as if tired. At that movement, Lee Han-sol’s shoulders flinched. After a moment, Choi Tae-hyuk raised his head again. His expression suggested he was at a loss.
“This is starting to feel like I’m confessing or something… I’m usually good at saying embarrassing things, but I’ve been holding back because it seems a bit much between grown adults…”
“…”
“Since you don’t seem to believe me when I just say I like you, let me tell you.”
“What, what are you saying?”
Just as Lee Han-sol was about to reflexively snap back with “What are you talking about,” Choi Tae-hyuk picked up Ppomi, who was circling around his feet, and sat on the bed. He continued speaking.
“You’re always angry, cursing, and acting scary, but you’re actually a good person. Would a bad person get angry about someone littering? How can someone who gets angry at people kicking a cat’s food bowl be bad?”
“That’s just… me venting, I…”
“And it’s fun being with you. I lose track of time… To be honest, you’re really not good with your hands. Whatever you make turns out strange… and you’re not good at games either. So, shouldn’t it be boring and uninteresting to be with you? But strangely, I always want to do things with you. I wonder why?”
Lee Han-sol was speechless and couldn’t answer. It was startling that Choi Tae-hyuk would suddenly say such things. He tried to convince himself that Choi Tae-hyuk was criticizing him. But it wasn’t working.
“Han-sol, people call that ‘charm.’ When you can’t quite explain it, but you just want to get close to someone. When you want to be good to them for no reason. You’re a charming person.”
“Stop, stop joking. Just shut up.”
“I really don’t want to say this, but do you know that the way you’re acting now makes people really concerned about you?”
Choi Tae-hyuk seemed determined to ignore Lee Han-sol’s reactions. Lee Han-sol wanted to cover his mouth. When reasons are listed, anything can sound plausible. It feels real. Getting caught up in that makes you unconsciously accept it. Lee Han-sol thought that was no different from submission. It was defeat, it was being broken, it was acknowledging his own weakness.
I don’t want to become like that, I want to hold out…
Lee Han-sol’s heart beat faster and faster. Choi Tae-hyuk’s words ultimately didn’t stop.
“Why do you dislike it when someone is nice to you? What bothers you so much? Could there be some extraordinary backstory? It just makes me more curious. You seem to think you’re treating me roughly, but… when someone cute acts like that, it creates a strange kind of determination. Like with Ppomi.”
Oh, I’m not saying Han-sol is like a dog… just that you’re that cute. But you know once someone sees you as cute, the game’s over, right? This isn’t a common compliment. So please understand my sincerity. I really only want you to become healthy and happy.
Lee Han-sol let out a short sigh, “Ah,” and rubbed his face with dry hands. He lacked the strength to resist. He felt increasingly powerless.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
