#140
Ham Yun-ah’s gaze shifted to Lee Han-sol’s hands. Lee Han-sol followed her glance and looked at his own hands. Open combat gloves that exposed two knuckles of each finger. Above them, all ten of Lee Han-sol’s fingers were in a ragged state. The area around his neatly trimmed nails was completely covered in blood.
“What’s with your hands? Emotional instability? You’re not a child—if you can’t keep your hands still, why not just bite your fingers off completely?”
This is annoying. Why am I acting like this over nothing? Lee Han-sol realized he had been unconsciously picking at the skin around his nails and gritted his teeth again. As Kim Jin-oh had tauntingly pointed out, his mangled hands seemed to prove that he was currently very agitated, which irritated him.
What agitation? I don’t care about anything. I’m fine.
While discreetly hiding his hands by clenching his fists, Lee Han-sol repeated thoughts that had become tiresome from too much repetition.
I don’t care about anything. Because dying, getting hurt, being in pain—none of that shit matters. Such things can’t shake my resolve. This heart of mine is the strongest thing, perfected over a very long time through countless experiences.
To restore his tattered heart to this point, Lee Han-sol had to repeat time twenty-five times. He wasted exactly that much time. Believing something was destiny when it wasn’t, trying hard at something that wouldn’t work no matter how hard he tried—he had already wasted too much time. That’s why Lee Han-sol didn’t want to make his time meaningless anymore.
That was why Lee Han-sol absolutely couldn’t give up his resolve. A heart hardened through desperate effort. A heart that trusted no one, forgave no one, and no longer liked anyone. If even this softened, he would have nothing left. There would truly be no evidence, no result, of the long time he had suffered with a clear mind.
That would be too empty. It would be unfair. I don’t want that to happen…
That thought tormented Lee Han-sol. The thought was persistent like a stalker. That day, in an alley that was quiet and dark, like a stage created for that very moment. The tepid color of the streetlight. Beneath it, meeting Ki Baek-woo who was crouched like an abandoned object. From that moment until now, these thoughts had been tormenting Lee Han-sol relentlessly without a moment’s rest.
I don’t care about Ki Baek-woo’s circumstances. It’s none of my business. Do you want me to yield again? Are you telling me to give up more? No. It doesn’t matter that Ki Baek-woo’s actions toward me had nothing to do with his own will, that Ki Baek-woo suffered just like me in the end, that he too was miserable countless times, that he had to die, and that he was ultimately a victim of the same system as me. None of it matters.
Even if the cocoon has completely rotted, but the pupa inside hasn’t changed at all from the beginning. Even if he looked like he was making a solemn vow, saying he would die as much as his hyung had died. I won’t care about it. I won’t be interested. Because it’s unfair. That’s allowed, right? I’m pitiful, after all…
And since that day, Lee Han-sol had trouble sleeping. When he closed his eyes in the darkness to fall asleep, the destruction that had once devoured him would rush at him. The fear from when he first died resurfaced. Lee Han-sol would tremble with fear and just repeat like a mantra: stop it, stop it, stop it. He would close his eyes tightly while struggling. Then when he opened them, Ki Baek-woo would be lying in his place instead. In front of countless sharp, honed teeth of a monster.
The teeth devour Ki Baek-woo. Ki Baek-woo is cruelly chewed up like Lee Han-sol was. Ki Baek-woo disappearing into the monster, experiencing the pain and terror that Lee Han-sol knows all too well…
“Huk…!”
Lee Han-sol’s body, having awakened from the nightmare as if having a seizure, was always drenched in cold sweat. He was so frightened that he would hold Ppomi tightly and tremble. He couldn’t bear it otherwise. Fuck, fuck, fuck, just die, get lost, this is shit, all of you die in the worst way possible. He cursed endlessly at all the unknown things. Then suddenly, with the thought that these curses might actually be directed at himself, he felt self-hatred.
Old habits die hard.
Pathetic bastard. Gullible idiot trash. Lee Han-sol, you piece of shit. What’s so scary about a mere dream? If it’s not that your fucking habit of being unable to watch Ki Baek-woo in pain, suffering, and misery has started again, why would such a dream be a nightmare?
If it’s not that your deeply ingrained habit of being a pushover has resurfaced. Because of Ki Baek-woo’s battered appearance, because of Ki Baek-woo who seemed like he would never make it without Lee Han-sol, because of Ki Baek-woo who begged pitifully while broken like a rag—if it’s not that the weakest part of your heart, which you had crushed and eliminated, has raised its head again.
If it’s not that when Ki Baek-woo, who claimed to know everything, knelt down miserably and said it wasn’t all his will, that everything was done by his empty shell, when he said “Hyung, you must have been suffering alone all this time. I’m sorry I didn’t understand, I was wrong,” you stupidly felt better.
If it’s not any of that, then why do I feel this anxiety? That Ki Baek-woo might really try to die, and experience the pain that Lee Han-sol knows…
‘Baek-woo, if anything difficult happens, you must tell hyung. I’ll handle all the hard and dangerous things, so you must never act recklessly. Don’t get hurt. It upsets me most when you get hurt and sick.’
Unless the feelings from those distant times, when he had held Ki Baek-woo and urged him repeatedly, had been revived, there was no need for this. No, this shouldn’t be happening.
I want to kill everyone. I want to just die.
Lee Han-sol couldn’t stand his pathetic self. The anxiety that kept stirring in his stomach made him feel like vomiting all the time. But he didn’t want to swallow his pride, nor did he want to endure the unfairness. This time, he truly wanted to win.
If I lose this time too, I’ll be utterly defeated. I hate that. I hate Jung Yi-dam. I hate him so much… So never, even if it kills me, I don’t want to give that bastard something as good as complete death. I don’t want to do anything. There’s nothing I can do.
In this helpless situation, Lee Han-sol fell back into a mess. He wandered outside, was always angry, and didn’t know how to handle himself, not knowing what to do. Ki Baek-woo’s words about dying wouldn’t leave his mind. Ki Baek-woo’s abandoned animal-like face as he begged tearfully, saying he would die as much as his hyung had died, just asking for one chance.
Fine, die. Go ahead and die. I don’t care. It’s not like you really mean it anyway. You’re just saying it to get out of the situation, to beat me easily. You think I don’t know? But I know everything. Because I don’t believe anything. No matter how solemnly you rant, I won’t be fooled. Do you think I’ll feel guilty? Don’t be ridiculous. Do whatever you want.
Lee Han-sol was stuck between a rock and a hard place thinking such thoughts, when one day through the news he had turned on without thinking, he heard:
S-rankHunterKiBaek-woosufferedseriousinjuriesduringaraid
Shut up, who asked? In his anger, he even threw the TV. Choi Tae-hyun worried about Lee Han-sol whose condition was rapidly deteriorating. Overwhelmed by the situation, Lee Han-sol couldn’t even withstand such concern from others.
He tried to avoid reality. He even avoided holding his phone to not hear news about Ki Baek-woo. Nevertheless, with the whole world talking about Ki Baek-woo, Lee Han-sol had no choice but to guess. He couldn’t help but know what Ki Baek-woo was doing.
I really don’t care about anything, I would never worry or be concerned even if someone dies… or not…
Lee Han-sol struggled anxiously every minute and second. He burned with hatred toward everything. Life didn’t feel like living, and enduring was painful. Choi Tae-hyun stuck by his side and said many concerned words, but they weren’t of any help. Even at a simple “Are you okay?” from him, Lee Han-sol was completely shaken.
Who are you to pretend to worry about me? Who are you to look at me with those eyes? There’s no way anything in this world could be favorable to me. So you’re just putting on a hypocritical act like giving a 100 won coin to a beggar. It’s deception to fill your sense of superiority using me as a means. I won’t fall for that. Even if you pretend to sincerely care about me, even if you pretend to love me enough that death would be nothing, I won’t be shaken…!
Lee Han-sol was habitually angry and confused. Pushed to the edge of a cliff, Lee Han-sol started self-harming again. He banged his head against the wall and hit his thighs or shins with all his might. When even that didn’t stop his thoughts, he drank excessively. Then one day, he caught himself turning on the news channel while drunk and screamed.
No. I’m not shaken. I don’t forgive. I don’t believe in apologies. I won’t be the only one who suffers unfairly. I will definitely repay everything. Everything…
After struggling like that, Lee Han-sol finally escaped to the gate. He thought of Ki Baek-woo who reportedly suffered near-fatal injuries several times in raids. No, he didn’t think of him. He buried his thoughts and ran around inside the gate. He repeated this. It didn’t seem to be getting better, but he had no choice. As a hunter, the only place where he could hide, cut off from reality, was the gate.
Like now.
Lee Han-sol, who had been crumpled in a corner of the dungeon thinking about what had happened, suddenly raised his head when someone grabbed his hand.
“What are you doing?”
When he snapped fiercely, both Kim Jin-oh and Ham Yun-ah scolded him simultaneously: “Wow, so touchy.”
“What are you doing, I said. Who told you to touch me? Let go!”
“Can’t you see?”
“No!”
“What do you mean no? Lee Han-sol, are you a stray cat? Snapping even when we’re applying medicine?”
Kim Jin-oh sarcastically forced open Lee Han-sol’s clenched fist that was resisting. Then Ham Yun-ah, who had been waiting with ointment, quickly applied it thickly to the tattered skin around Lee Han-sol’s nails. Lee Han-sol’s face crumpled terribly.
I’m so annoyed. Leave me alone. Do you think I don’t know that you’re just pretending to care, pretending to think about me, while looking for something to criticize? You probably only have malicious and despicable thoughts about taking advantage of me. Because humans are such shitty creatures by nature. That includes Ki Baek-woo. So I’ll never give in. I absolutely don’t believe in such actions.
Lee Han-sol felt like he was going crazy with hatred for everyone approaching him. He equally hated Ki Baek-woo who had sobbed, asking him to just let him stay by his side as he would suffer equally, and Kim Jin-oh and Ham Yun-ah who were hanging around pretending to be friends and pretending to worry about him.
It was unfair. Just leave me alone. After trampling all over me, now you want me to open my heart again? Am I that worthless? Do I look like someone you can play with however you want? I came all the way to the gate because I hate everything, so why do I have to feel this way even here? What do you want me to do?
What do you want me to do?
Lee Han-sol’s fragile mental state finally snapped.
“Is this fun for you?”
“Huh?”
“Kim Jin-oh, Ham Yun-ah. How long are you going to treat me like this?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
