Chapter 43
[Actually, I was binge-watching <Tomorrow’s Diary> until just a moment ago.]
[Ah…]
[I thought you might not like it if I told you, and you really don’t like it.]
Though there was laughter in his voice over the phone like he was talking to himself, there was a hint of embarrassment mixed with my reaction. To convey that it wasn’t necessary, I shook my head while denying it.
[It’s… a bit different from disliking it. I don’t dislike it.]
[Then?]
[Having someone I know watch my acting is somehow…]
While I was choosing my words to find a more accurate expression, he suggested an example first.
[Like being caught masturbating?]
It wasn’t a voice suggesting we make sexual jokes. It was just a metaphor. Leaning my elbow on the railing, I let out a laugh.
[I was going to say it feels like having my diary discovered, but well, that’s not wrong either.]
[While watching <Tomorrow’s Diary>, I felt like my emotions were on a roller coaster. Maybe that’s why.]
[……]
[Jung Jiin-ssi’s diary or the sight of you masturbating… I couldn’t be indifferent to seeing things like that.]
I pulled away from the railing and looked for wine. As I brought the glass to my lips and glanced back, the noisy group of five or six had disappeared somewhere, leaving only a man and woman entwined passionately on the sofa. It wasn’t particularly a scene I wanted to see. I moved closer to the wall and drank the wine.
[I don’t write… well, diaries or anything like that.]
My speech slowed down as I tried to make my slurring pronunciation clearer. Hearing his low laughter, I sipped the wine again.
[But are you drunk by any chance? Your voice sounds a bit like that.]
[Mm… I did drink quite a lot, but I’m not drunk. What about you, Lee Han-ssi? Didn’t you drink? Wouldn’t it be disappointing to miss out on a beer or glass of wine on a leisurely weekend night?]
I was unusually talkative.
[We have an important schedule tomorrow, don’t we? I refrained from alcohol because I want to maintain good condition.]
Thinking he was like a child waiting for a picnic, not hiding his anticipation for tomorrow’s meeting, I leaned my head against the wall behind me.
[Uh… I feel a bit sorry since I drank a lot.]
We were at an age where it felt awkward to clearly define boundaries by saying something like “we’re lovers from today.” Rather, I preferred the atmosphere to flow naturally without needing confirmation from each other. But at thirty-one, I no longer interpreted someone’s active interest solely as meaning they wanted to date me.
What was certain was that both I and he on the other end of the phone were enjoying the present state of this relationship.
He expresses his feelings directly, but he’s never clearly indicated that he wants to become lovers with me. I feel attracted to him, but I don’t conclude his interest as courtship.
I just wanted to hold onto this thrill a little longer.
I liked this tension where we were pulling each other taut while being conscious of each other without concluding in either direction. For now, that alone was enough.
[You couldn’t avoid drinking in that situation. Just show up at tomorrow’s meeting place. But… seeing that you contacted me, the housewarming party must not be very fun.]
[Rather than not fun…]
I retraced the events that happened here tonight. Honestly, it wasn’t a fun night.
His voice suddenly interrupted my trailing words.
[Should I come pick you up?]
[……]
[You contacted me because you don’t really want to be there, right?]
His statement was like a novel that skipped steps and already reached the climax around page 50. Flustered as if I’d received a surprise kiss, I put down the wine glass, picked it up, bit my lip, let it go – I was needlessly restless. My earlobes heated up from embarrassment at having my true feelings discovered.
[You said you were lying down to sleep. Just sleep and let’s meet tomorrow.]
[I think I was asking if you drank because I wanted you to come. Wasn’t I?]
[……]
It wasn’t something I’d said consciously with intention, but hearing his question, it seemed like I had that purpose.
It seemed like I didn’t say what I wanted myself and just beat around the bush, waiting for him to say what I wanted to hear. That was embarrassing. I’m not usually like this.
Through the brief silence, I could hear rustling sounds from his end. The sound of moving while dragging slippers, the sound of picking something up and putting it down, something like opening and closing a door…
[And actually, I’m already up. Where are you right now?]
Since everything was already discovered, I couldn’t act more cowardly here. If we could meet, I actually wanted to meet.
[I’m in Hannam-dong. It’s a mansion in UN Village…]
I heard his low laughter. Then came the mechanical sound of a door lock being released. The air’s resonance changed over the phone as if he’d entered a cave. I could tell he was stepping outside the front door.
[I’ll arrive within 5 minutes. Start getting ready to come out now. If you send me the address by message, I’ll go there.]
[Within 5 minutes?]
[We’re in the same neighborhood right now.]
■
From deep sleep like a dying state, gradually being pushed toward the boundary with reality, I opened my eyes with a feeling like falling from a tremendously high place. The bewilderment of being thrown into another dimension with a whole section of memory completely erased. It was the morning symptom of a blackout.
“Your head hurts, right?”
“Ugh, mm…”
Frowning at the voice coming from above, I lifted my head. I was lying on a bed in an unfamiliar place, and he was standing in front of me. Holding an unopened new water bottle in his hand.
“Want to drink?”
I nodded while sitting up.
I had no memory of where this was or how we came to be together, but since my throat was parched, I first gulped down the water he handed me. It was sweet and cool like a glass of water barely obtained after wandering a wasteland under scorching sun. Only after nearly emptying the entire 500ml water bottle could I somewhat come to my senses.
“Should I give you more?”
“No, I’m fine.”
I shook my head while wiping the moisture from my mouth with the back of my hand. I stared blankly at his outstretched hand, then belatedly realized he meant to take the empty bottle and handed over the plastic bottle. My brain was working that slowly.
He sat on the edge of the bed while capping the bottle with a little water left. It was close enough that he could touch me if he stretched his arm just a little.
Unlike me, I was staring blankly at his fresh appearance – having finished his morning shower and properly dressed.
“Do you know where this is and who I am?”
His expression, which had looked stiff as if slightly angry, relaxed as he threw out a joke. Memories slowly began to surface.
This was his house, his bedroom – 5 minutes by car from ‘Layered’s new dorm.
Embarrassedly scratching my arm and snickering, my hand stopped when I became conscious that my arm was bare skin. Come to think of it, I was completely naked under the blanket, including my lower body. I roughly swept my hair that must have looked like a bird’s nest and gathered it around the crown of my head, glancing at him sideways.
“Did we… do it?”
“You don’t remember that either?”
It was an expression of resentment, asking how that could be possible.
The guilty party had nothing to say even when criticized. I released the hand holding my hair and needlessly crumpled the sheet in my hands.
“I feel like I might remember soon… I usually don’t completely black out…”
“You don’t really show it even when drunk, do you?”
I nodded in response.
“That’s why I was fooled. You said you wanted to drink more, so I gave you wine…”
After exhaling briefly, he shook his head and continued.
“You asked if we were really just going to sleep, said your body was hot… asked me to put in at least a finger… then you even masturbated by yourself lying next to me…!”
It was close enough that we could touch each other if we stretched our arms a little, but it was also close enough to cover someone’s mouth.
“Excuse me, Team Leader-nim, you can’t fabricate like that just because the other person doesn’t remember. Even if I did seduce you, such cliché lines…”
If we had gotten into bed together, I probably would have wanted him. But no matter how drunk I was, would I say such lines? And while masturbating with someone right beside me?
I expected him to laugh with mischief at this point, but he who gently removed my hand from his mouth while holding my wrist showed no change in expression. While rubbing the inside of my wrist with his thumb, he spoke in a sunken voice.
“That’s the cleaned-up version of what I told you. Do you know how tormented I was?”
“……”
“If you can get up, come out and eat something now. I’ll be in the dining room first. Feel free to use anything in the bathroom.”
Watching his back that seemed somehow more subdued than usual, I pulled myself together and got up. Entering the bathroom attached to the bedroom, more varied memories of last night came alive. The green toothbrush on the sink was a new one I had used. While brushing my teeth, I looked around the bathroom carefully.
He had worried that I might fall. So we showered together… The heat of rubbing our bodies against each other, not knowing if we were showering or caressing, came back vividly, and I scratched behind my ear.
And after getting into bed, I had wanted penetration. I also remembered his voice trying to soothe me, saying we should postpone it since I seemed very drunk. The embarrassing seductive words I had poured into his ear while stroking his hardened penis…
I grabbed the edge of the sink, collapsed, and roughly tousled my hair. Alcohol is the enemy.
But the next moment, the tangled thread unraveled a bit more in my head.
After rinsing off the foam and splashing cold water on my face, I roughly put on a robe. Most of my memories had now been restored, including that the second room on the right of the corridor after leaving the bedroom was the dining room.
Entering through the arched dining room entrance that had no separate door, I triumphantly shouted:
“I knew it! I didn’t masturbate by myself…!”
“……”
“……”
In the space with a long table for twelve, there was one more person besides him and me. The two people who had been standing at the far end of the table having a conversation simultaneously turned their heads toward me.
Last night, there had definitely been no one else in this house, and he had said it wasn’t a house where he lived with family.
Tall enough to be similar in height to him, with a sturdy build. A man with a blunt-looking impression. He was one of the notable trio who had accompanied him to Director Kang Woohyeon’s party.
“Let me introduce you to each other. Jung Jiin-ssi, this is my work colleague and friend since university days who stopped by briefly for work.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
