Chapter 102
I think about Yujun’s criticism that I don’t deserve his love. Though he has no right to criticize, was the content of the criticism itself really wrong?
He was the type of person who, when he truly wanted something, would take time to conquer it. On the other hand, I was accustomed to restraining and suppressing desires, compromising them with circumstances.
Not being able to throw away the note with the email address, yet not sending an email.
Turning my back on theater and choosing ‘Mio Palazzo’s uniform.
Going on TV wanting to find my birth parents, yet being unable to actively reveal myself due to fear that they might not want me, thinking that the mother in Paeli might be hurt.
I thought it was better not to have something from the beginning rather than risk everything and feel empty-handed disappointment. It felt like a way to avoid having anything taken away.
In reality… I was only being worn down by time without gaining anything, not even the experience of failure.
Everyone lives like that. There’s no one who lives getting everything they want. Rather, such an attitude seemed like a tolerant one that understood and embraced life’s contradictions…
My heart, nose, and eyes grew hot.
Even this feeling of heightened emotions was always uncomfortable.
That’s why I liked acting.
For those moments, I could become a completely different person and freely express any emotion without destroying the real me.
While suppressing the urge to explode, I gripped his hand holding mine with force. His surprised face came into view.
“I… slept with other people too.”
“Not being able to sleep with other people was my situation. We never made any promises, so how is that a problem? Not the past… look at me in front of you now, at your current feelings, hyung.”
“Don’t you have any suspicion that Yoon Juho and I might really have that kind of relationship like the rumors say?”
“I told you earlier. I never believed those rumors from the start.”
“What if I’m lying like Yujun said?”
“I know there are many such people. I might know better than anyone. But hyung isn’t that kind of person.”
“You haven’t been watching me continuously. How can you be so certain?”
I couldn’t stop the cowardice of hiding my true feelings while continuously forcing confessions from him alone.
I realized I was unconsciously not using formal speech with him again, but such things didn’t matter anymore. Such trivial formalities could no longer control my heart.
“It’s a cliché story, but… since childhood, there were only people around me who wanted to use me as a means. I accepted it as just part of me, unable to feel it as a special tragedy, and lived learning my own ways to distinguish and cope. Other family members were the same. I’m somewhat confident in seeing people’s true nature.”
“……”
Right now I must have a frightened expression. Because I feel fear at how intense my emotions toward him are.
He didn’t try to penetrate my silence. He just waited for his words to seep into my weakened heart. Gripping my hand tightly, with a faint smile barely visible on his lips.
Only after the confusion had somewhat settled from my face did he carefully open his mouth.
“Tell me just one thing.”
“……”
“You didn’t want to end it because you started disliking me, right?”
“……”
I could neither admit that was true nor lie and say it wasn’t.
Like not sending emails for 7 years, like giving up theater. I thought I could give up this time too. But that wasn’t the case.
What did he read from my silence? Did he find an answer even I didn’t know? His smile deepened a bit more.
“I’ve been away too long. Now I’ll start looking from inside.”
He stood up first, leading my hand.
Take responsibility. He, who had seemed about to push emotions to the extreme for a moment, stepped back one pace so I could catch my breath. That step back wasn’t leisurely composure but the best consideration. I could tell from his face that didn’t hide his regret.
He seemed surprisingly familiar with driving the buggy. Perhaps noticing the meaning of my curious gaze, he glanced at me and smiled.
“Not everything is always done for me by someone else. I’m good at driving too. You saw, hyung.”
While making a left turn around the guest building, he spoke in a serious but gentle voice.
“I spoke very emotionally… but I’m sincere about not being able to back down. Since I know you didn’t start disliking me, I’ll keep appearing in front of you… so you can’t forget.”
“……”
“So don’t be flustered even if I show up frequently from now on. Actually, I didn’t expect much today, and I came here to tell you that.”
He, who had parked the buggy not right in front of the main gate but one lane away, looked at me quietly. Though he said he didn’t expect much, his face showed he hoped I would say something.
After staring for a while, he soon gave up and completely turned off the buggy’s engine.
“Why don’t you go back to Seoul in my car first? You don’t look well, so if I say I sent you, no one will object. You saw… inside? It looked like some childish prince play, and I didn’t want to show you such scenes.”
“It’s fine.”
“Going back now and facing people and forcing smiles. That’s hard.”
“I’ve lived like that until now, so. I’ll go up first. Come a little later.”
Seeing him nod, I got out of the buggy. When I had moved about five or six steps toward the main gate, his voice suddenly stopped me.
“I know why hyung couldn’t remember the name Lee Han.”
When I turned around, he was looking at me with the most expressionless face possible, his arm draped over the buggy’s steering wheel.
“Seven years ago. You never once called me by name.”
“……”
“A name you never called would be quickly forgotten.”
A smile appeared on his previously expressionless face. It wasn’t a happy, pleasant laugh.
“I’ll go around once and come up.”
Starting the engine again, he waved playfully and drove off.
Had my defensive attitude of trying not to remember him too well already begun even while I was with him? Even knowing we would soon part, twenty-year-old him hadn’t been afraid to spend more time with me. The brighter the memories, the more painful the recollection—it wouldn’t have been just me who felt that.
The buggy carrying him slowly disappeared toward the dark golf course lit with sparse lighting.
■
I thought the hour and a half trapped in the car would feel unbearably long, but when I came to my senses, we were already passing through Namyangju tollgate. The seriously congested traffic hours had already passed. When I asked the manager in the driver’s seat, he said we’d probably arrive in Gangnam within 40 minutes at the latest.
Since Jaewoo was assigned to another actor’s schedule today, a road manager who had recently joined the company was driving.
UB’s Manager Yoon, who had hit it off well with Team Leader Park’s group, ended up staying at the resort with them. Whether they really hit it off or he was acting like they did as part of business, I couldn’t tell.
He and I went down to the lobby together and left the resort almost simultaneously.
If he hadn’t suggested “Jung Jiin-ssi should go to Seoul together too,” I might have been held there for another hour or two.
I changed my sitting position and shifted my gaze. Facing the lights of apartment complexes across the way, the car entered Misa Bridge.
Like someone who had been waiting for just that moment, I unhesitatingly took out my phone.
[Where are you?]
Before hearing a “hello” response, Yoon Juho hesitated briefly at my immediate question about location.
[Home… looking at the script.]
Since tomorrow was the first full script reading, I had expected he’d be looking over the script in a quiet place.
[Let’s meet briefly at your company. I have something to talk about.]
I felt the manager’s glances at me through the rearview mirror.
[Come to my house. Why the company?]
No matter how confused I was, I wasn’t stupid enough to go to Yoon Juho’s house and be alone together.
[Let’s meet at the company. Will you come or not?]
Brief silence continued from the other end of the phone. He probably didn’t like the situation where I was taking control and trying to handle him. But he couldn’t dismiss his curiosity about what I wanted to talk about. I was fully prepared to use that now.
[Why not just talk at tomorrow’s dinner?]
[It’s not something to discuss with people around. Don’t you want to come out?]
[……How much time will you give me?]
[About 30 minutes. I’ll be at your company, so come when you’re ready.]
After hanging up, I asked the manager to change our destination to Look Planning.
Look Planning was located near UB’s office building where multiple entertainment agencies gathered. The difference was that UB used the 3rd floor of a building inside an alley, while Look Planning used floors 12-15 of a building directly facing Dosan-daero.
The building owner was Yoon Juho, and Look Planning corporation paid monthly rent to Yoon Juho, who was both honorary director and affiliated actor.
The security guard at the entrance confirmed my face and informed me that Yoon Juho was waiting in his office. I hadn’t expected him to arrive before me, so a bitter smile escaped at the thought that he had less composure than I’d imagined.
Yoon Juho’s director’s office on the building’s top floor had an extremely minimal interior reminiscent of a laboratory. In that stark setting, he sat at his desk with his laptop open. Without lowering his hand supporting his chin, he glanced at me.
“You came?”
“Not here, let’s move to a conference room to talk.”
“Why? Afraid I might attack you here?”
Yoon Juho snorted while continuously drawing circles with his middle finger on the laptop’s touchpad.
“Hey, Jung Jiin. We’ve enjoyed ourselves together plenty until now, so suddenly treating me like a rapist is a bit much?”
Standing at the door without going further inside, I brought up the main point.
“Are you my sponsor?”
“……”
He stopped drawing circles and muttered curses quietly while wetting his lips with his tongue.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
