#91
Jin Woohyeon didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he quietly gazed at me with slightly darkened eyes. Unable to fully grasp the meaning of that silence, I felt my throat going dry for no reason.
Did he think it was out of the blue? Was he flustered because it wasn’t the right atmosphere?
“If, if you don’t want to…”
“How could I not want to?”
Jin Woohyeon’s voice, which had suddenly dropped low in that brief moment, somehow stimulated bad imagination.
“However, I was thinking.”
“…”
“Why would you suddenly bring this up? Someone who was rushed to the emergency room after their first kiss couldn’t have suddenly become fine with it now.”
His voice was calm, but his eyes weren’t. A gaze that seemed tense somewhere and also looked fervent was endlessly fixed on my face.
“But I was also curious about what reason there might be for wanting to kiss despite that.”
I chose my words for a moment before answering.
“I just… thought I was being stupid.”
I thought while looking at my uncle. Seeing him living here in Jeju Island following that man, I wondered if he had decided to forgive and accept him for whatever reason.
I didn’t want to be newly hurt by those two people’s choice. Even if I felt betrayed or was consumed by anger after choosing to become strangers with them, nothing would change.
So I just wanted this problem to disappear from within me. I didn’t want to struggle in any way anymore. It felt unfair that only the wounds that remained as my share were left.
“If I use you for the reason of wanting to get better, would you be disappointed in me?”
Then Jin Woohyeon leaned his body slightly toward me. His hair tickled my forehead, and sometimes his nose tip brushed against me.
At a distance close enough to hear each breath clearly, Jin Woohyeon said.
“If someone else was here instead of me right now, would hyung have asked to kiss?”
“That’s impossible!”
Kiss someone other than Jin Woohyeon? That’s an absurd assumption. Just imagining it was enough to make my whole body break out in goosebumps.
“That’s enough.”
Jin Woohyeon whispered in a gentle voice.
“Actually, I said I was curious about the reason, but if you ask whether that’s important… No, not at all. There’s only one thing that’s really important. That hyung only thinks such thoughts through me.”
His low and wonderful voice was soaked in ecstasy.
“So go ahead and use me to your heart’s content. Test me until you’re sick of it. You can lead me around, drop me and pick me up, and use me however you want with just a fingertip.”
His sincerity seeped in clusters through our touching lips.
The kiss was soft and warm. It was even slow enough to feel somewhat heartbreaking. Just pressing lips together and waiting quietly, then pulling away, touching just enough to leave a faint sensation…
“…”
When I slightly frowned and opened my eyes, I could vaguely see my face reflected in his black pupils. I was waiting for him with eyes mixed with confusion and excitement. No, I was anticipating.
When I closed my eyes again, Jin Woohyeon responded to that feeling. This time was similar to before in that he only used his lips, but different in that his large hands cupped my cheeks.
His warm palms carefully covered my entire cheeks. Then when he tilted his head to the other side and locked lips a bit deeper, those hands supported my head and playfully tousled my hair with his fingertips.
Our lips touched and separated about three or four more times. Unable to bear the strange regret, I courageously overlapped our lips again, but Jin Woohyeon was still careful.
“Hyung.”
He said while giving small kisses to the corner of my mouth.
“You’re sweating cold.”
“…I know that too.”
“Your heart is also beating really fast.”
“That’s… you’re the same way.”
“But hyung’s heartbeat is much louder.”
He said to me while pressing our foreheads together.
“Are you scared?”
It would be great if I could say no with certainty, but unfortunately I couldn’t. Because I was as anxious as I was happy.
“Still, trust me.”
He said in a voice that sounded somehow desperate while cupping my cheeks with both hands.
“I won’t hurt hyung.”
The moment I heard those words, I realized. That what was needed to solve this problem wasn’t effort or patience.
What I had been waiting for so long was that one sentence that would reassure me. I needed the warmth and conviction that would affirm my fearful and slow self.
The moment I met a neighboring puzzle piece and fit together perfectly, I couldn’t help but realize that his existence alone was the answer to my healing.
“Will you still like me… even though I’m this scared?”
“It has to be hyung.”
“Even though I make you wait and sometimes trouble you?”
“I didn’t particularly think of it that way, but even if such days come, I think my answer won’t change.”
Jin Woohyeon lightly bit my lower lip and then released it.
“I know that’s not all hyung gives me.”
“…”
“I’m curious about hyung. Every time hyung answers my questions, every time I learn about an aspect of hyung, my world expands little by little. Loneliness I didn’t even know existed becomes lighter, and I learn how much a wholehearted relationship can support a person.”
Each word carried his sincerity.
“Even very trivial and silly things become special when we’re together. That way my world becomes little by little more colorful and brilliant. That’s such an amazing thing, how could I not like hyung?”
It couldn’t help but be a miraculous thing. Why are all the words that come from those lips sweet and gentle? If I fill my stomach with the words born from your tongue tip, I feel like nothing would be scary until I die.
So I swallowed him fully and courageously knocked on the door. Even while pouring out cold sweat and sometimes panting, I didn’t give up.
Every time I was afraid, I reached out to embrace him, and Jin Woohyeon embraced me back. The confident affection contained in all those actions, breaths, body temperature, and gazes gradually filled the empty places inside me.
Our shadows, which had been staggering while repeatedly sticking together and separating, tilted to one side. Before I knew it, he was lying with his back against the rear seat, and I was overlapping my body on top of him as if lying prone.
“It’s sticky…”
After the kiss that had continued long enough to make our lips tingle ended. He laughed at my carelessly uttered complaint and patted my back.
“You must have sweated too much cold sweat. We’ll have to wash up as soon as we get there.”
“Right.”
“This time is still better than before though, right?”
Jin Woohyeon, who laughed lightly, kissed the tip of my nose.
“At least you didn’t get taken to the emergency room.”
“Right.”
Actually, the fact that my body was sticky was something that could be solved by washing. Anyway, what was important was the fact that I had improved even a little, and that I wanted to try harder with him.
“How nice it would be if it could be like this from now on.”
To my words that came out like a sigh, Jin Woohyeon answered affectionately.
“We can do it one step at a time, slowly.”
“Yeah.”
After a long while, he asked in a very careful voice.
“Hyung. The person we met earlier… What do you want to do about your uncle?”
When I hesitated for a moment, he added that I didn’t have to answer if I didn’t want to.
“He’s someone who’s become a stranger now.”
Maybe because I had calmed down, I was able to speak more calmly than I thought.
“I know now that there are things you must give up at the right time.”
I had to accept that he wasn’t a good connection for me. It probably meant I should let go before things went more wrong.
“I wasn’t thinking of never seeing him for life. Someday, when a very long time passes, I wondered if we could see each other once through some kind of connection… I think I had that kind of expectation too.”
My expectation was half right and half wrong. We did meet again, but it wasn’t in the form I had vaguely anticipated.
“Uncle probably has his own circumstances. But I don’t have to understand even that.”
I continued calmly.
“It’ll take some time to get better, but… since you’re here, I think I can do well.”
“…Yes. That’s fortunate.”
“So you have to do it too.”
I said while quietly looking down at him.
“Keep your promise to make a place for us. So that our relationship can become a blessing rather than a stumbling block in life. Understand?”
“I understand.”
He said with sincerity while hugging me tightly.
“I’ll do that.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
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