#80
My heart pounded wildly on its own.
It was somewhat overwhelming, but if you asked whether it was painful, it wasn’t. I was trembling, but it wasn’t fearful either.
“I’m so curious right now about what conclusion came from that contemplation.”
Isn’t this too close? I looked up at him with my back pressed firmly against the sliding door.
“Earlier… you took my side.”
“I did.”
“The reason for that was…”
“Because I like hyung.”
As always, it was a clear, decisive way of speaking.
“The person I like was being humiliated, so I got worked up and volunteered to play the knight.”
Perhaps thinking I might get scared, Jin Woohyeon stepped back and added.
“It wasn’t a sophisticated approach. I hope you’ll discard the expression and just accept the feelings.”
I quickly grabbed Jin Woohyeon, who was about to step back further. My urgent heart got ahead of me, and I ended up grabbing his collar with both hands. However, without any sign of being flustered or puzzled, he willingly bent his body toward me.
“Why?”
“Eyes…”
I said as if mumbling.
“Close your eyes.”
“Yes.”
“Don’t do that with your hands either. Put them behind your back instead.”
“Should I?”
“You have to wait quietly.”
“I’m good at that.”
After a brief silence, I said.
“…Don’t smile.”
“Hmm…”
“Don’t smile, Jin Woohyeon.”
“Ah. This is a bit difficult, what should I do?”
The sight of him trying to lower his already raised lip corners even a little was somehow even more infuriating.
I should have just let him smile. Secretly complaining to myself, I slightly lifted my heels. My vision spun around because I had squeezed out courage to its limit.
It was the moment strength went into my hands gripping his collar.
“…”
As soon as I kissed Jin Woohyeon’s cheek and pulled away, he quickly turned his head. His black pupils were boiling excessively hot. No, they seemed to be blazing. It was a temperature that felt like it would burn everything, not just what it touched but even what was nearby.
“…I didn’t say to open your eyes yet.”
“Ah, sorry.”
His voice was excessively low, quiet, and even tightly locked. So it was more like wind than sound, and closer to trembling than wind.
“I wanted to see your expression…”
I answered, looking down.
“This is my best.”
I wasn’t saying it to show off – it was really true. This was the greatest courage I could muster right now. My still rapidly beating heart was proof of that.
“Yes.”
Jin Woohyeon’s gaze was still fixed on my face. Perhaps because he was frantically studying me, he somehow sounded a bit dazed.
“Dating me… might not be as amazing or thrilling as you think.”
I said while slowly letting him go.
“I’m slow at everything. No matter how hard I try, I might fall every time. It might be fun to help me up the first couple of times. But if that repeats, people get tired. Not because the other person is bad… it’s just, that’s how hearts are.”
He seemed to have a lot to say, but perhaps not wanting to interrupt me, he took a deep breath. His chest swelled tautly, making his neck muscles prominent.
“It’s an impossibly high mountain, so it might be hard to climb, and you might get lost. And then you might become sick and tired of it all.”
“…”
“I’m not saying I’ll make it that way. Of course I’ll try too. But I want to say that not everything gets resolved according to our enthusiasm.”
“Hyung.”
Jin Woohyeon, who had somehow undone the hands he’d had behind his back, lightly grasped my wrist. His palm, hot enough to be feverish, wrapped around my entire wrist then slowly fell away, soon threading between my fingers.
“Didn’t I tell you earlier? That I’m good at waiting quietly.”
“…”
“You’d be amazed if you knew how incredible my patience is.”
“Woohyeon.”
“I…”
He pressed my hand with his thumb then released it as he spoke.
“Want to date because I like Yoo Sanho, not because I chose Yoo Sanho because I wanted to date.”
“…”
“Hyung is right. It won’t be easy. Someday there will be days when I’m frustrated or bored. But even so, I don’t think I’ll like hyung any less because of that. Even if I get a bit lost… well, that seems like it would be good too.”
“You never know about people’s hearts.”
“That’s true, right? But this much is certain. I won’t deceive or delude hyung with that.”
Where he touched felt hot as if burned.
“I’m different from that bastard.”
So I had that thought. That it really might turn out as he said. Because Jin Woohyeon isn’t Lee Chan. So just because Lee Chan couldn’t do it doesn’t mean it’s impossible for Jin Woohyeon too.
Our clasped hands were pulled. I followed him forward as if entranced. We removed our cumbersome clothes one by one and entered the hot spring that was warm enough to steam.
Taking off clothes, walking, slowly entering from the toes – everything was incredibly slow. Still, Jin Woohyeon waited for me without rushing, and eventually I succeeded in sitting beside him.
“You’re right.”
I said while cupping my hands to scoop up the warm spring water.
“Saying it would be hard, that you’d get tired of it… that was probably just my prejudice. Without even trying.”
“It could be lingering attachment too.”
Jin Woohyeon answered in a calm voice.
“Regardless of what kind of person Lee Chan hyung was, I know that person’s existence is significant to hyung.”
That was exactly right. Lee Chan’s existence was enormous to me. There were days when I thought it was so huge that it could never be reduced or erased.
But now I know that’s not the case. It shouldn’t be, couldn’t be, and I didn’t want it to be. Not because he changed, but because I changed.
“Don’t you have any? Lingering attachment.”
“No.”
Perhaps because I’d been submerged in the hot water too long, my body felt relaxed. After hesitating, I carefully leaned my head against his shoulder.
Jin Woohyeon continued speaking while offering me his shoulder.
“It’s a good memory. But that’s all. I feel a bit sorry because I didn’t give my all, but I don’t remember ever feeling particularly affectionate about it.”
It was somewhat cynical. For people who broke up because they weren’t compatible, it felt like he was holding a bit of a grudge.
“That’s right. I know. That the two of them were already dating when they came in here. At first I didn’t know because I wasn’t interested… but I heard from my manager hyung when I went to a schedule recently.”
“So you felt betrayed?”
“It wasn’t quite a trusting relationship, so not that, but their calculating was too blatant to look favorably upon.”
Still, he seemed sorry toward me.
“He didn’t seem like a bad person.”
“Lei hyung? That’s probably true. But he did do something bad, didn’t he?”
“…”
“He probably didn’t know. Whether he was the affair partner or the transfer partner. And whether Lee Chan hyung had a lover he’d been with for 10 years, things like that. He might have thought it didn’t matter. It doesn’t seem like he’d deliberately be nice when he dislikes hyung.”
But that’s not everything, Jin Woohyeon said.
“They came all the way here pretending not to be dating because they wanted to promote their business. Either way, it’s a quite selfish intention, and I think they used hyung and me. For me it’s win-win, but not for hyung.”
“…”
“Anyway, the worst one is Lee Chan, that bastard.”
Now he doesn’t even call him hyung. While he speaks respectfully to me without fail. I somehow found it amusing, remembering how he had pushed him away like a different person during the day.
“Even if I tell you not to worry about that kind of bastard, it would take time to shake off the lingering attachment.”
There was a splashing sound. He who had been playing with the water used his wet hand to push back the hair on my forehead. The ticklish sensation continued, then water droplets that had flowed along his fingertips rolled down to the bridge of my nose.
“Honestly, I didn’t understand it. Being hung up on someone who left.”
“Yeah…”
That’s right. You’re far from that kind of personality. I answered with that sentiment.
“But seeing hyung, I think I understand a bit.”
When I slightly lifted my head, I immediately made eye contact with Jin Woohyeon, who was looking down at me.
“The thought that ‘if you date this kind of person for 10 years, you can’t help but have lingering attachment.'”
“…”
“So hyung, teach me.”
I was about to ask what he wanted me to teach him. But in that brief moment, my throat tightened so much that no sound came out.
Even though I only moved my lips silently, Jin Woohyeon seemed to understand everything I wanted to say.
“What it’s like to have a romance where you pour out your whole heart like that.”
His feverish fingertips ruffled through wet hair, tapped my forehead, then slid down to the tip of my nose like flowing water droplets.
“Because with Yoo Sanho as the partner, even becoming pathetic seems like it would be good.”
“…”
“You said you’re slow at everything.”
Jin Woohyeon covered my mouth with his palm and tilted his head.
“There’s no need to rush either…”
The place he kissed was merely the back of his own hand.
“Let’s take a very slow, long look at each other.”
Why, in that moment, did it feel like there was nothing between us?
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
