#58
The words that I would try to work things out with Jin Woohyeon were sincere, though I wasn’t confident. It meant it was a resolution, not a threat.
It would have been better not to know things like the fact that even pain becomes a habit when it lasts long. Daily life without Lee Chan is still somewhat strange, and I even feel an inexplicable sense of guilt about the fact that it’s more livable than I thought.
But what’s important is that’s all there is to it. I have no intention of returning to the familiar swamp.
Because Yoo Sanho is pathetic, but still a person who moves forward, even if slowly. Because I want to be that kind of person.
Even if Jin Woohyeon and I end up with disappointing results contrary to our expectations.
“Being nice when someone’s infatuated is only temporary, Yoo Sanho.”
Lee Chan said as if giving advice. It also seemed like he was being sarcastic.
“There are really all kinds of people in this industry. What if you’re just temporarily attracted because it’s something you don’t commonly see?”
Even while I froze, Lee Chan’s words continued.
“In a world like paradise where amazing things overflow just by turning your eyes, it would be stupid not to get tired of it. The innocence of only knowing one thing for life when you become obsessed with it exists only in you.”
It might not be wrong. The people in the world Jin Woohyeon belongs to are stars who suit spotlights. They must be outstanding, excellent, and confident. They might be fundamentally different from ordinary citizens like me who feel awkward even in one photo.
So.
“It’s true, but…”
I looked at Lee Chan and smiled as if grimacing.
“You shouldn’t say that, Chan. You’re a model too.”
When I came to my senses, your surroundings became paradise, so it sounds like your feelings for me cooled because of that.
Then, even though I have nothing, the me who did my best my whole life with at least a whole heart becomes too shabby.
“Lee Chan. Do you know why I’m really angry at you?”
“Because I told you to break up?”
I shook my head. The area around my solar plexus stung and felt stuffy.
“Because I’m doing well with someone else in front of you who still has lingering feelings?”
I hesitated and shook my head again.
“Because you let bad memories spread.”
“…”
“I’m disappointed that you don’t protect the parts that could be treasured as memories.”
“Hey. What use are memories anyway when we’ve already broken up? What’s the point of remaining as a loving, good person…”
“Why is there no point?”
I said while putting strength in my eyes to keep from crying.
“You’re not a good person only if you give hope. I’m not stupid enough to confuse kindness with affection.”
It wasn’t about giving me hope, but about making an effort for me.
Thinking about it, that was it. I wanted to have a conversation, not receive a notice. I wanted comfort, not blame. I didn’t like it being a one-sided relationship that couldn’t be digested and would stick forever.
“It’s hypocrisy.”
Lee Chan frowned.
“When will you let go of your feelings by being so lukewarm? Is it right to let you suffer for a long time under the pretense of being friends next to you who’s already slow at everything? No. You believe that’s better because you haven’t tried it. If I had acted the opposite way, you would have asked me to be decisive.”
Seeing my expression, Lee Chan clicked his tongue and ran his hand through his hair.
“I know. Right now, whatever I say will sound like deception to you. No matter how long we’ve been together, we never matched in this aspect. I know I wasn’t that good a boyfriend to you either…”
I must have looked like I was about to cry. Lee Chan unconsciously reached out to me, then flinched and pulled back.
“You won’t believe it, but I’m worried about you in my own way.”
“Worried…”
“Yeah. Worried.”
Worried. Strangely, at those words, the tears that seemed about to overflow disappeared like a lie. Something cold poured over my heart, cooling the anxiously expanding feelings.
While I remained silent, Lee Chan said in a sharp voice.
“Would he be any different? No, he’s not different. That’s why I’m telling you. All Alphas are the same.”
Perhaps conscious of the cameras, his voice became quieter.
“It’s a mountain we couldn’t cross even after 10 years of effort. But it’s not even a year, not even 10 months, it’s at most a month. Do you believe you can cross that hill with someone you’ve known for a month?”
“…”
“I waited. I did my best. But it didn’t work. So you have to admit it too, Yoo Sanho. What doesn’t work doesn’t work, and this isn’t normal.”
The pain around my solar plexus deepened a bit more. Between the words laid out like stepping stones, uncomfortable symbols that only we could understand were stabbing me.
“So Woohyeon will be no different…”
I muttered with my head down.
“Everyone’s saying this out of worry for me.”
The me of some time ago might have believed these words like a rock. But now I know. This isn’t worry focused solely on me, for me.
The eyes of someone who truly cares aren’t like that. The temperature of their words isn’t this cold either.
‘When you get to the dorm, tell Jiwon about your ankle condition and get treatment.’
‘If I had a hyung, would this be how it felt?’
‘Time has been created. Time for us to learn about each other, test each other, and face each other’s true selves while peeling away layer by layer.’
“What you’re worried about isn’t me, but you.”
You’re afraid I might cross that mountain that seemed insurmountable to me alone. You’re scared that I might solve with someone else the homework you couldn’t solve even after 10 years with me. So you want me to get scared first and give up, to not even try.
I took a deep breath. My breathing trembled unsteadily as I pressed down hard on my sadness. I bit my lips and suppressed the surging emotions.
Love is common. So breakups will be common too. Like the lyrics of countless ballads, people as hurt as me must be spread all over the world.
Let’s not mistake common pain for something special and unusual. Just as everyone endured, I too can endure.
My phone, which I had left on the living room table, vibrated with a buzz. It was a message saying the meeting time was over, so I should designate my partner for the ‘Telepathy Date.’
I typed a reply with unhesitating fingers and said.
“This is the price for loving you my whole life. As I said earlier, I’m keeping my loyalty.”
Unlike me who had no hesitation, Lee Chan didn’t send a message right away. He just sat crookedly on the sofa and gave me a look as if he was dumbfounded.
“Am I the only one doing you a favor?”
“Even if it’s only a favor for you, it can’t be helped.”
Besides, I’ve already sent it.
When I looked at him with clear eyes, Lee Chan sighed. He also stared somewhere other than me for a moment as if contemplating something.
Around the time Lee Chan sent a message to the production team, there was a sound from the direction of the stairs.
“Did your talk end well?”
It was Jin Woohyeon and An Lei. They seemed to have come down right after their meeting on the second floor.
Unlike Jin Woohyeon who was calm without any worries, An Lei seemed a bit troubled inside. He gave me somewhat complicated looks, then approached Lee Chan and tapped his shoulder.
“Chan hyung, talk with me for a moment.”
“Let’s do that.”
Whether the two went back up to the second floor or not, Jin Woohyeon didn’t even give them a glance. He just plopped down next to me, who hadn’t gotten up yet, and asked in a gentle voice.
“Who did you choose?”
I gestured toward Lei, who had almost gone up and was now out of sight.
“That’s nice. You didn’t even make a scene.”
“It’s not like making a scene would ruin things between us.”
“That’s true. I asked for you to choose me though.”
“Did he agree?”
Come to think of it, what kind of relationship do An Lei and Jin Woohyeon have? I know they’re the ones who dated and broke up for the shortest period among those who entered, and I know Jin Woohyeon has no lingering feelings for past relationships.
‘Come to think of it, I don’t know what An Lei is like.’
I think he’s a good person, but because of his position of doing well with Lee Chan, he’s inevitably an uncomfortable existence for me. So I couldn’t open up to him about deep things.
Perhaps reading the worry in my voice, Jin Woohyeon patted my back and laughed as if it was okay.
“He agreed. We ended things cleanly. Even if that weren’t the case, it’s as hyung said.”
“As I said?”
“Making a scene wouldn’t ruin things between us.”
“…”
“But there’s one person who seems like they’d make a scene even knowing that.”
Jin Woohyeon tilted his head sideways. Immediately understanding who he was talking about, I hung my head gloomily.
“…Sorry. We probably won’t be matched.”
When there was no immediate answer, I glanced sideways as if gauging his mood, and our eyes met directly. Jin Woohyeon looked at me and smiled brightly.
“It’s okay. I didn’t expect anything from that side anyway.”
“…”
“I wanted to go out together, but oh well. It can’t be helped. Still, dates don’t have to be outside.”
At the following words, I had to raise my head.
“But I think hyung will be matched.”
“Huh?”
“Even if it’s not me, you have to choose someone from the Alpha group. Between Eungi hyung, Jiwon hyung, and Taeseong hyung.”
Jin Woohyeon showed three fingers – thumb, index, and middle – then folded one finger and continued.
“The remaining two have possibilities. But what I’m curious about is exactly who you chose among them.”
“…Is it important even though it won’t be you?”
“It’s important, right? In its own way.”
Why would it be important? I stared at Jin Woohyeon, but he ultimately didn’t answer my question.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
