Can Love Be Transferred Too? 43

#43

The crisis came without warning.

[A chat room with your X has been prepared. Participants please gather at the designated location.]

After receiving the text, I couldn’t say anything and just stared at my phone for a long time. My heart was beating unpleasantly fast.

I had been avoiding conversations with Lee Chan all this time. Lee Chan seemed to want to have a talk with me at least once, but I didn’t have the confidence to fully face the issues between him and me yet.

Fortunately, after the commotion that happened once, the other participants were being considerate not to leave just the two of us alone. Especially Han Jiwon was so ghostlike in appearing here and there that Lee Chan, who kept trying to talk to me thinking we were alone, eventually looked at him with an annoyed expression.

But that was over now too. I was going to be trapped in a room with him whether I liked it or not.

“I don’t want to go…”

At my unconscious muttering, Bae Taeseong, who was sitting next to me, giggled.

“Even the great Yoo Sanho says he doesn’t want to do something.”

“What do you think I am, some yes-man?”

“I thought so. You don’t usually say you don’t want to do things.”

“…Is that so?”

“Don’t you even know what your own personality is like?”

He reached out and ruffled my hair roughly. My thin hair stood up all fuzzy like dandelion seeds due to static electricity.

“Ah, hyung!”

Bae Taeseong giggled like a mischievous child. Making my hair messy like this and enjoying it seemed to have become his new hobby.

“Hyung has to go too. Jiwon hyung already got up and left.”

His smile became slightly crooked.

“…Mm.”

“You don’t want to go either, hyung?”

“A little.”

It was unexpected. Since the two of them were sharing the same room anyway, I thought having them talk one-on-one wouldn’t make much difference.

“You two have seemed awkward lately.”

Jeon Yudam, who was coming down the stairs while putting his arms through his cardigan, looked at us and said.

“Isn’t that right? Taeseong hyung, why have you been avoiding Jiwon hyung lately?”

“…Have I been avoiding Jiwon hyung?”

Bae Taeseong smoothly avoided my gaze.

“Well… a bit.”

“Since when? Why?”

Jeon Yudam rolled his eyes around and then clapped his hands.

“Since you came back from the X Room. Right?”

Since coming back from the X Room… does that mean they became awkward after Han Jiwon cried seeing their memories? I remembered that Han Jiwon, who came back crying, went straight up to his room, and Bae Taeseong, who came in later, went to the room carelessly but then came down looking awkward.

“I don’t know what he’s thinking.”

Bae Taeseong sighed.

“As of now, I don’t particularly have any thoughts of getting back together with Han Jiwon.”

It was an unexpected statement. He cared enough about Han Jiwon’s worries to dispose of his beloved motorcycle, and he had declared that Jiwon was an important person to him, so I thought he was also considering reconciliation.

“I thought Han Jiwon knew that too. His attitude was so refreshing.”

“Was it?”

“When there are lingering feelings, the look in the eyes is different. I’ve watched him for a long time, so I can’t help but know.”

Jeon Yudam said.

“No matter how long you’ve known someone, you don’t know everything about them.”

“…”

“That’s why I think you need to ask directly. And Sanho hyung too!”

Jeon Yudam scurried back to the front of the sofa, grabbed mine and Bae Taeseong’s arms, and started pulling us earnestly.

“Quickly, quickly. If you have to go anyway, let’s get it resolved quickly and be done with it!”

Unlike me and Bae Taeseong who were hesitating, Jeon Yudam seemed fearless. Bae Taeseong, who was being pushed to the entrance, made a groaning sound.

“Aren’t you bothered at all? You and Choi Eungi don’t seem awkward. Don’t you want to not see him again? No lingering feelings?”

For a moment, Jeon Yudam’s small hand that was touching my back flinched.

“I don’t want to see him again.”

It was his usual cheerful voice, but I felt a strange sense of discord and turned my head to look.

“I have no lingering feelings.”

Unlike his smiling face, his eyes looked very sad.

So I ended up feeling very strange.

* * *

“You’re late.”

In a small space decorated prettily like a drama set, there was a single bench sitting alone.

Lee Chan, who had arrived first and was waiting, looked up at me while sitting. On his left earlobe, a blue piercing was sparkling. It was his charm that he hadn’t worn for a while.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Sit next to me.”

I sat at the opposite end of the bench. Then I turned my head slightly and fixed my gaze on the armrest.

Lee Chan let out a small sigh.

“It’s really hard to talk with you, Sanho.”

What a tone, as if this was something new.

Of course it would be. In all the time I’d known him, I had never acted this way. I thought I was doing well by making sure no regretful sounds came from his mouth.

But now I don’t need to do that. I don’t want to anymore. Lee Chan, who still wanted the same things, felt detestable to me.

I answered in a sulky voice.

“Not everything in the world is easy.”

He let out a hollow laugh and asked.

“Why have you become so contrary?”

“Contrary?”

Indignation surged up through my gloomy mood.

“What’s contrary about it?”

“The way you’re acting right now, Yoo Sanho.”

“So what exactly about my behavior.”

“Do I really have to say this kind of thing with my own mouth?”

“…”

“Creating an awkward situation and then constantly avoiding it. Not even pretending to listen when I suggest we talk. Texting other people when you know I’m texting you.”

He blew on his bangs to sweep them back and added.

“If this kind of situation hadn’t been arranged, you probably would have kept avoiding me, maybe even until you left the show. You know that nothing can be resolved by doing that, so why are you acting like this? It’s not like you.”

“Like me…”

I answered as if muttering.

“What would be like me, Chan?”

“…”

“Choosing to become miserable myself rather than making you uncomfortable. Running over the moment you give me a single look and bringing up various topics you might like. Already being by your side waiting before you even call. Naturally sending you notes and texts and everything… That would be the Yoo Sanho you think of.”

It wasn’t entirely Lee Chan’s fault. Because that’s how I had behaved for 10 years. Since I had spent time revolving around Lee Chan as the only center, it wasn’t unreasonable for him to naturally think that way.

“I can send heartfelt texts to other people too.”

“Even though you don’t like Taeseong hyung?”

“Did you text me because you liked me? No, you didn’t.”

When his logic was defeated, Lee Chan clicked his tongue. It was a habit he always showed when his pride was hurt.

“Still, acknowledge this. Things that can’t be resolved without talking.”

The reason I avoided it even though I knew was because getting myself to be okay was more important and urgent than resolving the issues with Lee Chan.

“I’m sorry for making such a scene that everyone else found out. But I… had to say that to you at least once.”

“I know.”

Lee Chan said.

“…Yeah, I know too. I wasn’t that good of a person to you. That’s why I tried to sort things out several times.”

When he was caught cheating, he tried to sort things out. Not with the other person, but with me.

“But you said you didn’t want that. You said you hated being left alone, that you couldn’t imagine life without me.”

For such ridiculous reasons.

“So every time, I became weak… Yeah, I was the same. I couldn’t imagine being apart from you. We were always special.”

In the end, Lee Chan’s transgression didn’t last long, and he chose to stay by my side. Anyway, after going around in circles, saying it was Yoo Sanho, that no one he met was as good as me – it was also true that I felt subtle satisfaction from those words.

Still, Yoo Sanho would be special to Lee Chan. With just that one expectation, I overlooked him ruining me.

But now I know.

“No.”

“What do you mean no.”

“We weren’t special. You just enjoyed that feeling. You didn’t become weak because of what I said, you just judged that it was better to have me by your side. If you couldn’t let me go because you were weak because of me, we should still be dating.”

I wasn’t special, I was convenient. I decided to finally acknowledge that fact.

“Still, no matter what, Chan. You clearly knew I hadn’t sorted out my feelings for you completely, so how could you deliberately show me how well you were getting along with someone else right in front of me? No matter how much you cheated, you at least pretended to avoid my eyes.”

“Yoo Sanho.”

“Ah, this isn’t cheating but transit, so it’s okay…”

My stomach churned. It’s okay. I repeated those words to myself countless times. It’s okay, Yoo Sanho. It’s okay.

You promised, didn’t you, not to cry because of Lee Chan. Not to create any more days like that. Not to waste yourself in that way…

“How nice it would be if we could organize people’s hearts as neatly as organizing computer folders.”

Then I would neatly organize my memories of you by category. This is a good memory, a memory that was disappointing in hindsight, a memory of you being cruel to me, a memory that was still comforting, and a memory of you hurting me. Like that.

“But that’s not possible. So the bad ending you gave me keeps painfully coloring the memories I wanted to protect.”

Like dropping black ink. It spreads uncontrollably, and no matter how much you try to wipe it off, stains remain.

“Are you saying that’s my fault?”

Lee Chan said accusingly.

“You’re the one who acted pathetically by not accepting the breakup. Calling all the time, texting at dawn, coming to my house drunk, asking me to reconsider even though you knew I had someone else. You were the one who pretended not to hear me saying I wanted to be friends.”

“…”

“If I wasn’t going to date you again, I had to be cruel, so how should I have acted? Should I have been lukewarm and managed you like a backup?”

He said in an annoyed voice.

“Yeah, cheating was my fault. That’s why we broke up. So now I don’t have the right to be angry at you either? Not changing lovers isn’t included in the loyalty that should be kept between friends.”

After a brief silence, I said.

“I’m not angry right now, I’m sad, Chan.”

“…”

“When I said there’s loyalty that should be kept even between friends, it wasn’t that you shouldn’t meet other people while leaving me behind…”

It meant at least don’t bring An Lei, who you had a transit with, in front of me. It meant you shouldn’t use me, who couldn’t even sort out my feelings, just for promoting the shopping mall business you were going to do with An Lei.

I didn’t have the confidence to say those words so satisfyingly. It wasn’t for his sake. I just didn’t want Lee Chan, who got angry just because he became uncomfortable, to be cruel to me anymore.

“You’re really not sorry to me.”

“Yoo Sanho.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear your apology.”

My vision became blurry. The promise I made with Jin Woohyeon began to crack one by one, then shattered with a pitiful sound.

“When you’re really sorry, when that day comes, apologize again…”

I hate the fact that you were an important person to me. I resent the fact that no matter how much I pull myself together, I’m helpless against you. I was sad that my resolution was shaken again like that and my true feelings, which I had pressed down, burst out.

When will I be able to look at you and feel nothing?

When will your burdensome presence fade away inside me?

The freedom that seemed within my grasp moved away like a mirage.

“…I’m going.”

Lee Chan didn’t hold me back. It was the only fortunate thing that happened in this room.

Author: Hyacinthus B

Hyacinthus