#34
We also had happy moments.
To Lee Chan, I was special. Just as his existence was unique in my life, Yoo Sanho was also only Yoo Sanho to him.
‘What, why? Because Yoo Sanho is a cripple so you can’t play with him? That’s bullshit. Have you guys ever helped with his pain? If he’s a crippled leg, then you guys are crippled personalities, you nasty bastards.’
‘……’
‘Yoo Sanho. Why are you just silently listening to that crap? If you have time to waste on kids who aren’t even human, spend it on me instead.’
‘……Yeah.’
‘I bought that game you said you liked, so sleep over at my house today.’
Even Lee Chan, who seemed to lack nothing, had deficiencies. He was always alone in a house as spacious as a palace. People came and went to take care of him, but they always just did their tasks and disappeared, and his mother, who was said to be a famous designer, always found her only son bothersome.
Lee Chan had never been poor once in his life, but that didn’t become comfortable happiness for him.
‘It’s just rolled omelet and soybean paste stew, but is it that delicious?’
‘Yeah, it’s delicious. A hundred, a thousand times more delicious than what the ajumma made and left. Sanho, you should become a chef later.’
‘How could I do something like that……’
‘Why can’t you? I’ll pay for cooking school. Take the blue card on the dining table. Whether you spend a million won or ten million won with it, our lady doesn’t even care. It’s good to use the leftover money meaningfully anyway.’
‘……Still.’
‘Ah, whoever lives with Yoo Sanho later will be lucky. Getting to eat such delicious food.’
‘You live with me.’
‘……’
‘You can live with me. Then I’ll cook for you every day.’
I wanted to light up the darkness beside Lee Chan, who sat alone in an empty house. Just as he had done for me, I too wanted to extinguish his loneliness. I wanted to show him directly that there was also love that wouldn’t betray him, that wouldn’t leave him lonely.
I had those times when I believed we would naturally share our whole lives together, those warm spring-like moments.
‘It’s not like we can only be together if we’re dating. I don’t want to deceive you either, and you don’t want to cry because of me either. So let’s break up.’
‘……I’ll fix it. It’s because of that, isn’t it? If I don’t blame you, then we can be together?’
‘Yoo Sanho. You know this isn’t a very good choice for you either when you’re saying this.’
‘Could there be a worse choice for me than not having you, Chan?’
I didn’t know then. That even if you just fasten one button wrong, if you don’t fix it in time, everything after becomes a mess. That sometimes there are relationships that won’t leave scars only if you let them go before it’s too late.
I was too young, immature, clumsy, and fearful.
‘Don’t look at me like that.’
‘……’
‘It was something you said was okay. I still like you the most……’
‘……’
‘If only you would accept me, I wouldn’t have done pathetic things like hovering around emptily. You were the most important to me too, why don’t you know that.’
When did it start? When you began sighing often while looking at me. When the heart racing toward you complained of pain rather than excitement.
Because I kept holding onto something that should wither and fade when its time comes and seasons pass. Was I punished for pretending not to know and just holding onto something completely dried and crumbled?
‘But you still like me, Sanho.’
I wanted to do that. I wanted to love you for as long as permitted, dare I say forever. I promised you that. We made that vow with fingers hooked, hands clasped, foreheads touching, embracing deeply.
To me, a promise was resolve. It was an unchanging weight like gravity.
I liked that burden. Because it felt like saying I didn’t have to drift around lonely. Enduring pain is easy, but soothing piercing loneliness is so very difficult.
I know. That it’s already a relationship that went astray long ago, and that whatever I do about someone whose heart has grown cold is meaningless. That this is just torturing myself and painfully stagnating in place.
Even knowing this, I clung to false hopes.
Because I didn’t want to leave you alone.
Because I hated being alone……
“……Sanho.”
Careful hands wandered over my face. He diligently wiped away tears without any sign of fatigue.
I don’t know why that makes me feel sorry again. My heart kept boiling over.
“Let’s stop crying now. Okay? I’m scared you might collapse like this.”
Good boy, Han Jiwon soothed me. Very childishly, I got annoyed at those words.
I was now sick of being called good. I hated enduring and was more tired of reading the room.
When I quietly grumbled, Han Jiwon kept stroking my head.
“Maybe I should have gotten angrier…… Did I butt in thoughtlessly? Should I call Chan over?”
“He……”
My voice cracked terribly. I don’t know how long it’s been since I cried until my voice was hoarse. I wasn’t unaware that there were cameras, but I only thought whatever happens, happens.
Let it be.
“I don’t even want to see his face.”
“I bet. Right. I would have felt the same.”
Han Jiwon empathized calmly.
“Go rest in your room and I’ll bring you something.”
When I fell silent for a moment, he tapped around my eyes. Maybe because I cried too much, everywhere his fingertips touched throbbed.
“It’s instant soup, but not much. Taeseong bought tomato soup because you said you liked it. Just eat that and sleep a little. Interviews and other schedules are from the afternoon…… I’ll talk well with the others so we can postpone as much as possible.”
When I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them, tears fell pattering down my cheeks. That was the last of it. Just as my panting breath had calmed down, the boiling water inside me that had been churning wildly also quieted and less flowed out.
“Why are you being good to me?”
“……”
“If you just stick by my side, you’ll only hear my side whether you like it or not.”
“I suppose so?”
“Then he’ll look like a bad person……”
Han Jiwon laughed as if incredulous.
“You just cried until your eyes were swollen, and that’s what you’re worried about?”
“……”
“I’m trying to worry about you first, Sanho.”
The words that there’s an order to things in the world, and when the time comes he’ll talk with Chan on his own so take care of yourself first, settled calmly in my ears.
I eventually came down to my room on the second floor with Han Jiwon.
“Sanho hyung……”
An Lei, who had been pacing around the room with an anxious look, approached me. He reached out to grab me, then frowned and withdrew when I reflexively hesitated.
“I…… didn’t know.”
Of course. That An Lei wasn’t such a sinister person was something I could tell from watching him for a week.
“That Sanho hyung and Chan hyung had that kind of relationship, I noticed because I’m perceptive. But regardless of that, I wanted to get to know hyung so I suggested sharing a room…… I had no intention to tease or deceive……”
“……I know.”
Would I have hated and suspected him more comfortably if I hadn’t known?
I thought anew that this program was too cruel. This situation where people gathered under one roof had to reveal raw emotions and even each other’s bottom.
“I’ll get out of the way.”
An Lei moved back toward the door.
“There’s filming so I won’t come in until evening anyway. Rest well, hyung.”
I ate the tomato soup Han Jiwon brought me and fell asleep. After sleeping for about three or four hours, my emotions settled somewhat.
The production team said they couldn’t directly broadcast the fact about Lee Chan’s affair. They said they couldn’t edit it out completely given the circumstances, but would cut and use the conversation.
‘Since it needs to show enough that Sanho-ssi isn’t getting angry over nothing, we’ll make sure the serious atmosphere comes through. But Chan-ssi is also a participant in our program, so we basically have to protect him too. You understand, right?’
‘Do whatever’s convenient. I’m sorry for causing trouble.’
‘Not at all. If living here becomes too difficult or anything, please call us anytime. We can give you time.’
‘Yes.’
If it were the old me, I might have just begged them to edit it all out. I was the type to take care of Lee Chan before myself. So that kid wouldn’t become strange, I would rather have them make me look sensitive and emotional. I definitely would have said that and more.
But now I hated it. As Han Jiwon said, there’s an order to things in the world.
I decided to change the order. Not Lee Chan then Yoo Sanho, but Yoo Sanho then Lee Chan.
Even if you leave like that, I remain in my life.
Pushing you to be after me, after other things, far, farther, very far away. Pushing and pushing like that.
I resolved to meet the day when I become a Yoo Sanho who’s perfectly fine without you.
Because that seemed like it would hurt less than waiting for mornings we’d share together. Because it seemed more realistic.
Because now I wanted to.
A very long and painful love was coming to an end.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
🥲💜💜💜
finally the closure we needed