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Lee Chan’s words weren’t lies. I could tell just by his voice.
That’s why it was even more strange and odd.
Suddenly? Now? And why?
We’ve been over for a long time. I left Lee Chan behind in those hot, humid days. I no longer think about Lee Chan, and I especially don’t hurt when thinking about him.
Our relationship has become something I buried entirely because I couldn’t bear to feel affectionate or regretful about it—something less significant than gossip about strangers.
“Don’t you have no reason to apologize to me?”
Unable to overcome my puzzled feelings, I blurted out the question, and Lee Chan was silent for a moment.
– That’s what I thought. But I realized apologies aren’t made because there’s a reason. Even less because they’re needed.
“…”
– You apologize because you did something that warrants an apology… But I’ve never done that before. So it’s natural that you don’t expect anything from me.
I wiggled my toes as I listened to Lee Chan’s increasingly urgent words.
– An Lei and I broke up.
It was something I already knew. It was someone else’s business that didn’t stir any emotions in me now.
– I got transit-dumped. He went to Japan and seems to be dating a photographer who works there. I think they started seeing each other after the brand photoshoot.
It seemed that after discovering my existence and seeing Lee Chan’s attitude, An Lei had judged there was no future in this brand. This background apparently played a part in his decision to quit domestic activities and move overseas.
In the end, Lee Chan lost his partner in the same way he left me.
– That’s when I learned. How it feels to be betrayed, and how a transit breakup ruins a person’s heart. Why people call it awful.
“…”
– I didn’t know. I’d never experienced it. You were the only one in my life, and you would never do such a thing to me. So I only realized now. The courtesy that should exist between lovers, the trust that should be between friends…
“…”
– You had it, and I didn’t.
“That’s right.”
I calmly affirmed Lee Chan’s words.
“That’s why it was hard. Dating you, detaching my feelings from you, and breaking up with you.”
– …
“I’m not saying I did nothing wrong. I was probably inadequate for you too. Beyond right and wrong or inadequacies, we were probably just incompatible. To me, you were too harsh and urgent, and to you, I was stubborn and frustrating.”
That’s just how it was. Just because we knew each other for a long time, or liked each other very much, didn’t mean we were necessarily right for each other.
That’s why we couldn’t cross the mountain, couldn’t become adjacent puzzle pieces. That’s why we lived enduring this time and ended up breaking up badly.
“What can I do, Chan? To me, you haven’t become a memory yet.”
– …Sanho.
“So I think it will be difficult for me to forgive you.”
I didn’t intend to pretend I hadn’t heard the apology, but that didn’t mean I could accept it.
– I know.
He answered in a calm voice.
– I didn’t apologize to be forgiven.
“…Then why did you go so far as to find Woohyeon?”
Even if he had no way to contact me, it seemed excessive to barge into Jin Woohyeon’s workplace rather than approaching me directly. If he wanted to come to my workplace, he could have waited at the restaurant where I work.
– If I came to find you directly, you would have to face me like an accident. I thought if I found Jin Woohyeon, he would judge me and filter it once. There was also the selfish calculation that you would trust Jin Woohyeon’s choice…
“I see.”
Lee Chan’s analysis was accurate. If he had come directly to my restaurant, I probably wouldn’t have even listened to what he had to say. I would have left the place like I was running away.
I wasn’t curious about why Lee Chan came, but I believed Jin Woohyeon when he said it wasn’t with bad intentions. Maybe that’s why I thought I’d give a tiny bit of expectation.
– The reason I tried to apologize to you even by coming here…
After a brief silence, Lee Chan said.
– I kept remembering you crying.
“…”
– I kept remembering how you cried, telling me to apologize again when I truly felt sorry, so I came to apologize. I figured not receiving an apology and not accepting an apology are different issues.
I carefully pondered his words and nodded.
“You’re right about that.”
Not having received an apology and not having accepted an apology despite receiving one are different issues. Since human affairs are unpredictable, there might come a day when I need his words of apology.
“Still, being friends is impossible.”
I said flatly.
“I don’t pity you. You said you remembered me because your situation became similar to mine, but even if you became exactly like me, I wouldn’t pity you.”
– Yes.
“Think of it as reaping what you sowed.”
– Right. I think so too.
“I won’t try to do anything for you either.”
– You have no obligation or reason to, not anymore.
“…”
– Take care.
Lee Chan said.
– I was sorry.
After hesitating for a long time, I finally broke the silence.
“I…”
Lee Chan waited for me without saying anything. It had been a very long time since he hadn’t rushed me.
“There was a time when I wished you could be my home.”
There was a time when I believed that among the vast world and countless people, only you could be that for me. For the young Yoo Sanho, that hope was absolute, everything, and also the most brilliant and affectionate wish.
“There were days I wanted to greet with you.”
The things I had worked hard to shape broke away for numerous reasons, and now I can’t tell what their original form was.
“Even if it’s something we couldn’t achieve, it doesn’t change that you showed me a direction in my life.”
Still, I now know that things that once shone sometimes still sparkle even after they’re broken.
“Thank you.”
You couldn’t become a memory for me, but perhaps someday in the distant future, you might miraculously become one.
The important thing is this: Our long-standing relationship has finally put a real period. The old love that had been dragged on and on, becoming completely shabby, has finally been perfectly covered.
After a long wait, the ending we faced wasn’t happy, satisfying, refreshing, or affectionate.
But it remained a clear fact that we had arrived at the last stop of this journey.
– Sanho hyung.
Jin Woohyeon’s voice rang again, as if he had taken back the phone. Just calling my name, yet somehow it made the tip of my nose tingle.
– Hyung? Did you hang up?
“…No.”
– That’s good. I’m about to leave now.
It takes about an hour by car from his agency to home. It wasn’t rush hour, and if he hurried a bit, he could reduce that time a little more.
When I responded with a small “Mm,” Jin Woohyeon spoke again.
– Will you promise to wait for me well until then?
“It’s not difficult.”
After a brief silence, I added.
“Although it’s odd to call it a trade-off…”
– I promise.
Jin Woohyeon said in a gentle voice.
– What is it? Tell me.
Now there wasn’t a trace of lingering attachment, stubbornness, embarrassment, or hesitation.
I gave Jin Woohyeon the most intact and pure heart I had carefully crafted.
“Let’s live together.”
Not just happening to live together, not because it’s convenient. For the reason that I’m proposing and you want it.
I wanted to share a promise to spend a longer future together, and for us to become each other’s home.
“I want to live with you.”
– I…
There was a sound as if he was choking up for a moment. Why it sounded so ticklish, I felt like I was swallowing a sneeze and pressed the corner of my mouth down firmly with my index finger.
– Can I become a home for you, hyung?
“You already are.”
With a voice tinged with laughter, I whispered my secret to him.
“To me, you’re already that kind of person, Woohyeon.”
Because you are my breathing space, my support, my way forward, and at the same time, my place to return to.
So I confessed that you had already become my home.
– I’ll come to you right now.
His voice sparkled with overflowing joy.
– We’ll see each other again soon, Sanho hyung.
On the day I finally perfectly tied the knot on a long love.
I embraced the shining miracle rushing toward me at full speed.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
