Chapter 30
“Thank you for your hard work. On the day you come to the next dormitory, we’ll announce the rankings starting from those in the elimination zone. Those who are eliminated will return home, and those who pass will stay behind and move to the dormitory together, so make sure to keep your phones with you.”
Jaekyung stood up with complicated feelings. All he had to do was pack his bags and go home.
“Oh my.”
PD Choi hit his forehead as if he had forgotten something.
“I forgot something.”
At his nonchalant reaction, several people who had stood up like Jaekyung sat back down.
“I forgot two things. First, all rankings up to the third round will be kept confidential.”
“…What?”
Jaekyung unconsciously let out a sound. Without even noticing Jungwoo looking at him, Jaekyung repeated what the PD had said.
“Confidential?”
They wouldn’t reveal the rankings?
“Of course, it’s not completely confidential. The rankings will be revealed for eliminated trainees only, but the rankings of trainees who pass will be hidden. This is to prevent creating barriers between each other during the upcoming communal living.”
If there was someone who ranked first in the first round rankings, the trainees would either be wary of them or cling to them. They intended to suppress all reactions based on rankings.
Of course, this was completely unwelcome news for Jaekyung. Right now, Jaekyung knew nothing except that Jungwoo was the final first place. His goal was to be eliminated this time, but what if he wasn’t?
“Furthermore, don’t worry about fairness issues or vote manipulation. We’ll transparently reveal everything through the broadcast.”
The PD added with a confident expression that he had brought several organizations along.
“And… the other thing was newly planned this time. How nice would it be if you knew everything from the beginning, but since we’re not gods, we added it late. We’ll let you know what it is after the second episode airs.”
The rest period given to them was ten days. After the first episode aired the day after tomorrow, the second episode would air a week later. And the ranking announcement was the day after that. He didn’t know why they didn’t give plenty of time even after airing the second episode, but anyway, showing what the 99 trainees did during their time off was 180 minutes for the first episode. So no one complained.
It wasn’t that he wasn’t disappointed. Still, each person took service time according to their efforts. The rest was their appearance that would be on that broadcast.
What PD Choi meant by “after the second episode airs” was the night before entering the dormitory.
“Well then, thank you for your hard work.”
After PD Choi, who had greeted the trainees while making eye contact, disappeared, Jaekyung stood up holding his bag.
He came straight to the hotel after the live broadcast ended, so his makeup remained, but he had changed clothes. He roughly stuffed his styled hair into a black cap.
‘I’ll wash off the makeup when I get home…’
Among the trainees who were recording memories of their time together, Jaekyung indifferently moved his steps. There was nothing for Jaekyung to leave behind here. It was best to just quietly leave without catching anyone’s eye.
“Hyung.”
Jaekyung didn’t turn around even at the familiar voice that was clearly calling him. It was a priority to get out of here before Sowoon, who had been following him for days, could catch up.
“Hyung. Why are you walking so fast? Didn’t you hear me calling you?”
Sowoon, who had run to block Jaekyung’s path, was breathing heavily while holding his legs.
Did he run because I didn’t turn around?
Jaekyung stared intently at Sowoon without saying anything, then pretended to be nonchalant and lied.
“I didn’t notice.”
Sowoon waved his hand dismissively as if it didn’t matter. Then, as if his breathing had calmed down, he straightened his bent waist. As if he had something more important to say, Sowoon let out a final “whew” and took out his phone from his back pocket.
“Contact information. You didn’t know we haven’t even exchanged numbers until now, did you?”
Jaekyung looked down at Sowoon’s phone. It was an early version of Company S’s phone series that he used to receive as sponsorship for advertisements when he was an idol. After wasting time on useless thoughts, Jaekyung slowly raised his head.
“I see.”
He didn’t say that they didn’t need to exchange contact information since they wouldn’t meet again from here on. Anyway, after exchanging contact information, he could just block him. Jaekyung took Sowoon’s phone, entered his number, called appropriately to confirm, and said goodbye.
“Hyung, get plenty of rest too.”
Sowoon waved happily and went to find other trainees. Jaekyung, standing near the door, exchanged eye greetings with Sowoon. Then he habitually scanned the inside. He didn’t know if it was to look for someone. He just took in the sight of the trainees and turned around without regret.
* * *
Live or Die Sowoon has invited Seo Jaekyung.
Live or Die Sowoon [Are you resting well? I already miss you so I made a group chat] 10:01 PM
Live or Die Sowoon [Bear waving emoticon] 10:01 PM
Hajun. Yoon [Good job.] 10:02 PM
Live or Die Sowoon [Do you want to watch the first broadcast together the day after tomorrow?] 10:02 PM
Hajun. Yoon [Sounds good.] 10:10 PM
Lee Jungwoo [ã…‡] 10:10 PM
Live or Die Sowoon [If Jaekyung hyung is okay with it, I’ll look for a place] 10:12 PM
Hajun. Yoon [ã…‡ Penguin holding an OK sign emoticon] 10:12 PM
Jaekyung quietly looked down at his phone. He had only given his contact information to Sowoon, so he expected only his messages to come, but who would have thought he’d make a group chat. In the continuously scrolling conversation, instead of leaving the chat room, Jaekyung just turned off the screen.
Not reacting was the best approach. If this pattern of being like an echo that wouldn’t return continued, the other person who kept talking would also stop contacting him at some point.
When Jaekyung left the hotel, he didn’t go straight home. He just slowly wandered the streets until sunset. He walked like someone without a destination, and when he got tired, he sat at bus stops to rest briefly.
Before returning home, Jaekyung wanted to shake off all the emotions he felt when he stood on stage. The stage he absolutely didn’t want to stand on. When he finished the rehearsal, he didn’t feel well. However, on the stage he went up to after Jungwoo’s comfort…
“I still haven’t come to my senses.”
It was enjoyable. It was as comfortable as being at home. He clearly felt stressed every time the stage went wrong, but he didn’t know why he thought it was enjoyable.
Maybe it was because he had practiced thinking only about standing on stage his whole life, so he felt rewarded finishing it properly?
“Pathetic.”
Jaekyung found his wandering heart pathetic. Because he had no principles like this, he stupidly got scammed. Even if it wasn’t debt he incurred, he failed to notice something was strange in the middle and ended up being a bystander to what his mother was doing.
After wandering the streets like that and coming home, Jaekyung swallowed dry saliva to suppress his nervousness.
‘No one would be there, right?’
Even while thinking his mother wouldn’t come to a house where he wasn’t there either, he had a little hope that she might be waiting. Jaekyung slowly inserted the key. It was an old house with no door lock, just locked with a key, and that short moment of turning the key felt long.
Click.
The sound of the key turning and the lock releasing was heard. Jaekyung pulled open the front door and stepped into his space for the first time in a month. The interior, occasionally lit by passing headlights in the dark protest, had no signs of life.
It seemed his mother hadn’t come by even once during that time, as it was exactly as it was just before Jaekyung left. Perhaps not signing the contract had hurt his mother, so she deliberately didn’t come to see him. She knew how to disappoint and hurt Jaekyung.
Even if she only came a few times a month, if there was nothing special on days when Jaekyung really wanted her to come, she would come and stay. Then Jaekyung would pretend nothing was wrong and continue what he was doing, but couldn’t hide his reddened face. Since he showed such obvious signs of happiness, she couldn’t not know.
Unable to forget the warmth his grandmother had filled, thinking it was better to be in debt than to be lonely… with various excuses, he couldn’t cut off his mother. Just being able to sleep together on a blanket that used to be for one person alone, Jaekyung couldn’t let go of that warmth even if his mother didn’t act like a mother.
In this world without his grandmother, all Jaekyung had left was his mother.
“I expected this.”
She wanted him to sign a fraudulent contract, not join an audition program, and Jaekyung refused. Then it was right for his mother to reject Jaekyung accordingly. Unlike other families where parents firmly support what their children want to do, comparing one by one would only lead to disappointment, yet Jaekyung hoped alone and was disappointed alone again today.
Jaekyung threw his bag in one place and immediately looked for a rag. He needed to wipe away the dust that had accumulated for a month before he could lie down. The complicated feelings of not knowing what to say if he saw his mother, but still thinking she might be waiting on the day he came out because she was still his mother, were erased like cleaning the room.
* * *
After finishing his preparations for sleep, Jaekyung lifted the blanket and went inside. Although he had laid out the blanket, he could feel the unevenness of the floor directly. It was just barely blocking the cold air, so if he lay down, it seemed like his body heat would be stolen, but he had no other choice.
He couldn’t expect more from a house that blocked the cold air just enough to not freeze to death. Having lived in a hotel for a month, his body was already wanting something better.
The rough and worn texture of the blanket at his fingertips was clearly contrasted with the fluffy and soft hotel bedding. This was his space and where he belonged. Even knowing this, he couldn’t easily organize his feelings.
Even though they had just slept in separate beds, perhaps because four people had lived in one room, he felt particularly lonely and desolate. If he had never tasted it, it would be different, but the interaction with people who didn’t send him malicious glances stirred up the resignation Jaekyung had barely suppressed.
Jaekyung lay on his side and picked up his phone. He entered the only group chat that had 197 accumulated messages. As Jaekyung entered and the number disappeared, he scanned the conversation with his eyes and pressed the keypad.
Live or Die Sowoon [I’ll wait for Jaekyung hyung] 12:03 AM
Live or Die Sowoon [Peach emoticon with hands clasped together, eyes shining, and crying] 12:04 AM
[I’ll come.] 01:59 AM
How many times did he hesitate while writing just two characters? Still, he sent it in the end.
Just one day. He just wanted to be together for one day. Jaekyung thought he might regret it tomorrow morning and closed his eyes.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
