There was also an intention meant for Cha Jungwoo here. Even though I could have made it less obvious, I broke the cup in a posture that he could clearly see.
Without even having time to feel bothered by my damp, soaked knit, I cast a glance toward him and conveyed my meaning.
Look at me. You started this first. It was a tenacious kind of possessiveness.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, but the glass….”
“No, stuff like this happens.”
Then I shot a warning look toward Go Heemin.
“Sorry, I’ll pay for the cup, so could you bring a broom?”
If you know I’ve got a nasty personality, then behave. I can go even further than this.
It seemed my message got across to Go Heemin. He clicked his tongue with a displeased expression, even if only for a moment.
“…Uh, yeah. I’ll grab it right away. Hey, Cha Jungwoo, don’t pick that up with your hands!”
“Do I look like a kid? Got it.”
Even after Go Heemin disappeared, Cha Jungwoo’s continued kindness made my head ache. It was the first time I realized gentleness could swallow a person whole, and it wasn’t easy to escape.
“You’ll catch a cold. At least wipe the front of the table. Your clothes are getting soaked.”
“Okay.”
I liked the warmth that lingered over my chest as he fussed over me, so I looked straight at his face.
“What’s so funny? You’re hopeless. You look different from how slow you actually are.”
“Is that so? Still, I’m glad you’re here with me.”
The gaze so close to mine made all the puzzle pieces click into place. This incomplete emotion meant only one thing.
Ah… I wanted to have him. It wasn’t something pure and devoted—it was a deep sense of possession.
I didn’t know whether to call it love or something else, but I knew I had to hold Cha Jungwoo in my arms. If I let him slip away, I’d never forget him for the rest of my life.
***
Cha Jungwoo was an incredibly gentle person. Just seeing him make space for me among his group, even though we hadn’t known each other long, revealed his usual personality.
We had moved to a nearby restaurant with Go Heemin, Kang Taeyoon, and later Yoo In-ho joining us.
It was our first proper meeting, so the air felt awkward, but as long as Cha Jungwoo was there, I could endure anything.
Seeing Go Heemin’s heavy vigilance almost made me snort. He must not have been able to crush his friend’s easygoing nature, because he came along wearing a dissatisfied expression.
Didn’t want to leave me alone with him, huh? Honestly, it would’ve been nicer if he’d just gone. With that lingering thought, I rested my head against Cha Jungwoo’s shoulder.
“Doesn’t that poke your eyes?”
“No, it does.”
“Then sit up straight.”
“I’m cold.”
“You’re kind of high-maintenance, you know that?”
Maybe it was because I liked the touch he’d given me in the lecture hall earlier. I deliberately messed up my own hair, initiating skinship I normally would’ve hated.
The low voice coming from right above me felt comforting. Even the way my vision was partially blocked didn’t make me want to move away.
His hand reached me as if he’d given in to my stubbornness, and though he grumbled aloud, his eyes never pushed me away.
The gentle strokes smoothing my hair so it wouldn’t poke my eyes felt warm.
I’d never experienced anything like this before. It was such a strange feeling.
I even thought that if things stayed like this, I wouldn’t mind dying.
That mood carried on until our food arrived.
When a prickling hostility stabbed at my cheek, I shifted my gaze and saw a fierce glare shooting from Go Heemin, who sat across from us.
***
Kang Taeyoon, sitting beside him, lifted one corner of his mouth in a mocking smirk, clearly finding the situation ridiculous.
Even Yoo In-ho looked puzzled, making the whole thing feel like some bizarre comedy.
It was a chain of events only Cha Jungwoo seemed unaware of.
But whatever those bastards did, I didn’t care. As long as the owner of this hand—Cha Jungwoo—remained oblivious, that was enough.
I’d thought he was just uninterested in people around him, but it seemed he truly didn’t know the rumors about me.
Even while I clung to him, Cha Jungwoo accepted it with an expression that said he had no choice.
At first, I’d wondered if he might know something about me after all.
Back then, even though I tried to restrain myself, my mood would still show whenever I got irritated.
Anyone who wasn’t a new freshman or someone who had already graduated probably knew at least some rumors if they’d ever crossed paths with me.
I assumed he was simply too kind to bring it up.
Luckily—or maybe unluckily—Cha Jungwoo turned out to be even more indifferent to others than I’d expected.
For someone so loved by people, he had a dangerously defenseless side.
Well, that worked in my favor. I’d planned to use his gentle nature to slowly melt away even the shallowest traces of suspicion, but it seemed I didn’t need to bother.
I even scrapped my plan to twist the rumors into something that sounded exaggerated and false.
A creeping satisfaction crawled up my spine, and I buried my head deeper into his shoulder. I never thought a man’s solid body could feel this warm.
For now, I had to share space with several people just to claim a small place beside him—but someday, I wanted him to laugh and cry for me alone.
How long had I been lost in that dark desire? The clatter of dishes sounded, and Cha Jungwoo’s hand gently pushed my shoulder.
“The food’s here. We should eat.”
“Okay.”
Even though I must’ve felt heavy, the way he supported me was endlessly soft.
I nodded obediently, almost like a spoiled child, and from somewhere nearby came the sound of dissatisfaction.
Go Heemin. Kang Taeyoon. Unlike Yoo In-ho, who was focused on the food, the two of them watched us with clear disapproval.
“This is interesting.”
“…….”
Yeah. I’m having fun too. As I rolled the fork in my hand, Kang Taeyoon’s gaze turned cold.
What’s the difference between you and me? Except for Cha Jungwoo and Yoo In-ho, everyone here had something dark inside.
Especially Kang Taeyoon—less sharp than in first year, maybe, but still dangerous.
Reckless, unpredictable, someone who always had to claim whatever he wanted.
Right. I was the same. If there was something I wanted, I’d use any means necessary.
When I glanced toward Cha Jungwoo, he was busy portioning out the dishes.
I thought maybe he was just hungry and tried to help, but the plate he handed me was mine.
And once again, something inside me melted.
“Ah.”
“You liked this last time, didn’t you? Not feeling it today?”
At some point during one of our meals—one I’d disguised as coincidence—he must’ve memorized my food preferences without making it obvious.
Warm, soft, cleanly seasoned dishes—not too strong—carefully placed on a tidy plate just for me.
I couldn’t find words.
It was because of how the plates were arranged across the table.
“Hey, Cha Jung—give me some salad!”
“This one?”
Among all the dishes meant for sharing, the ones I liked best were gathered near me.
The heavier, richer foods—what others would call the main dishes but which I didn’t prefer—sat in front of Yoo In-ho, Kang Taeyoon, and Go Heemin.
You could call it coincidence.
But looking at Cha Jungwoo, I couldn’t believe that.
The fact that it was unconscious made it even more unbearable. When his calm, upright eyes turned toward me, it felt like something scratching across my skin.
Noticing my gaze, Cha Jungwoo looked back. Seeing the worry in his eyes, as if something might be wrong, made my mouth go dry.
This wasn’t a thirst water could fix. It was the same rough yearning I’d felt the day we first met in the lecture hall.
The flame inside me swelled again. It was also the moment I realized it was already too late to evolve into something calmer.
“Why? Is something actually wrong?”
“No. …I’ll eat well.”
“Good. Thanks for coming all the way here because of me. Eat a lot.”
I closed my eyes and opened them again, taking in the scene before me. Every movement he made, the way his hair fluttered, felt like frames of film engraving themselves into my memory.
The slight lift of his lips, the soft curve of his open mouth—it was lovely. The way his eyelids folded and unfolded along the curve of his eyes made my heart waver.
You’re really cruel, you know that? Maybe I was the one who’d fallen into the trap, not him.
It felt like my limbs were bound, forcing me to look only at him.
Even the suffocating air tasted sweet as time passed.
I couldn’t let Cha Jungwoo go. If I lost him, I knew I’d regret it for the rest of my life.
***
My daily life with Cha Jungwoo shook me to the core. I’d meant to give him time to adjust to me, but instead I was the one sinking deeper.
Each day felt like torture—and yet I never wanted to let them go.
For the first time, I learned how exhausting it was to package myself and endure.
After classes ended, I found myself repeatedly searching for Cha Jungwoo. I’d come to campus, attend lectures, look for him; work on assignments, then look for him again. If someone asked what it meant to become a fool, they could just look at me now.
I’m not Pavlov’s dog… So what is this? A hollow laugh escaped me.
It was around the time I was living as if he were pulling my strings.
Today again, after finishing a different class from his, I left to find him.
Damn it, but Cha Jungwoo was incredibly diligent about school life. He never replied during lectures; I’d only hear from him after class ended.
Following him around, pretending to be a model student myself—this was probably the most hardworking period of my entire life.
[Where are you? I’m at the classroom, but I don’t see you.]
I sent a text message to the number he’d given me the day I decided to make Cha Jungwoo mine.
I’d never memorized anyone’s phone number except my own, yet somehow his was etched into my mind the moment I received it.
I stared at the eleven digits glowing on my screen for a long time, tracing them as if they were him.
Trying to approach slowly so he wouldn’t feel any sense of strangeness constantly tested my patience.
As I mentally traced through his schedule, my phone vibrated.
[Not there—Room ○○○. I’m grabbing lunch with Heemin later. Wanna come? We’ll probably have to wait an hour because of Kang Taeyoon though.]
Those guys again. Even though I kept trying to separate him from them, they clung like leeches, always getting in the way.
[Yeah. I’ll head over now.]
“Ah… my face.”
As soon as I sent the reply, the reflection on my phone screen showed my cheek twitching like it was spasming.
The corners of my mouth, always curved into a smile because I was deceiving everyone for the sake of Cha Jungwoo.
The trembling lips almost looked like a sneer.
And higher up, my eyes had turned cold, glinting sharply.
“…This won’t do.”
I never knew when or where some rumor might spark Cha Jungwoo’s suspicion.
With a small breathy laugh, I reshaped my expression into something gentle again—the same soft smile that sometimes left Cha Jungwoo staring blankly.
I wondered briefly if this was what love felt like for others too. It didn’t seem like a feeling that was only soft and beautiful.
The place I hurried to was a quiet classroom, empty because the lecture had been canceled. Sensing faint movement beyond the sliding door, I opened it and stepped inside.
“Jungwoo?”
“…….”
Contrary to my expectation that Go Heemin would be with him, Cha Jungwoo was alone in the classroom.
Maybe he was tired—he lay slumped over a desk, his jumper pulled up over his head.
That outerwear was definitely the one he’d been wearing when I briefly saw him that morning. The sharp tension I’d carried while guarding myself dulled slightly.
Hearing the steady sound of my footsteps, I sat on the edge of a desk near where he slept.
Warm midday sunlight poured down, making the scene look like a painting.
“…Why is it that I….”
Why did I feel a thirst that wouldn’t be filled, no matter how much I tried?
I thought being close to him would ease it, but maybe I was far greedier than I’d imagined.
Even as a gentle breeze wrapped around me, my mind filled with dark fantasies.
If all I wanted was his body and not his heart, I would’ve taken it long ago—that twisted emotion was proof.
Creak— My teeth ground together, making an unpleasant sound. Desire spilled over, as if it were miraculous I’d held back this long.
Reaching out wasn’t enough; I rose from the desk and took a step. Then another. Moving toward Cha Jungwoo.
This would definitely ruin all my plans. But my body, freed from restraint, refused to listen.
Maybe it would be okay if he was asleep. Maybe I could make him think it was just a dream.
Even as I made excuses, my hand moved toward what it wanted. Cha Jungwoo was right in front of me.
Bang! Clatter—!
“……!”
The sudden loud crash made me turn around. Go Heemin? If it was him, it wouldn’t matter if I got caught—but if it was someone else, I’d have to shut their mouth no matter what.
Annoyance, anger, and sheer irritation filled me as I turned—only to witness something unexpected.
Someone who absolutely shouldn’t have been there was picking up the fallen object.
“…Cha Jungwoo?”
“Ah.”
He didn’t see, did he? My heart dropped.
The desire that had lost its direction drifted restlessly around me.
If I’d been just a little slower, I might’ve ruined everything with my own hands. A wave of self-loathing darkened my vision.
Whether fortunate or unfortunate, the awkward silence didn’t last long. The unidentified person who’d been lying on the desk lifted their body.
“Ugh… what is it, why’s it so loud?”
“…Go Heemin?”
“Ah, Heemin. You woke up. Siheon called you, you know. You should stop sleeping too. Kang Taeyoon’s coming soon, right?”
So I could get interrupted like this too. A hollow laugh escaped me as I covered my face with my hand.
Honestly, this wasn’t the time for any of this. I should’ve been coaxing and reassuring Cha Jungwoo, who seemed stiff and uneasy.
But right now, I didn’t have the composure for that. I was too busy being swept away by the overflowing tide of my own emotions.
More than anything…
“What’s wrong, Cha Jungwoo?”
“I—hic—don’t know.”
My heart kept leaping wildly whenever I looked at Cha Jungwoo.
That was why, even without regaining my rationality, I instinctively covered my face.
