“There’s no way…… this can’t be happening. This can’t be……!”
Ji Haesu swiftly snatched the pregnancy test out of Choi Suho’s hand just as he was about to throw it away and checked it. What showed on the test was still two vivid red lines. Ji Haesu’s eyes widened.
“It’s still positive? You didn’t miscarry?”
Ji Haesu broke into a bright smile. Choi Suho stared at him with a deathly pale face and spoke.
“A-Am I… am I really going to get gang-raped?”
At that, Ji Haesu smiled softly, crouched down, and gently stroked Choi Suho’s hair. Choi Suho couldn’t burrow into Ji Haesu’s arms, but he couldn’t run away either—he just clutched the hem of Ji Haesu’s clothes. Ji Haesu leaned in and whispered into his ear.
“I’m thinking of dropping the request.”
“……”
Choi Suho’s gaze fell to the floor.
“If you choose me and give birth to the baby.”
Ji Haesu straightened up as he spoke.
“Think carefully. Will you love me, or…….”
With his foot, Ji Haesu lightly nudged Choi Suho’s lower abdomen, where their child was.
“Get gang-raped, get rid of the baby, and then make another one. Either way, you’re going to give birth to my child. I want to see you as a parent.”
“……”
In that instant, Choi Suho thought of Choi Juho, frozen in time at thirty, like a taxidermied corpse.
Ah, so that’s why he killed himself.
I don’t want to give myself—my entire existence—to someone who wants me.
Not because I’m precious, but because I don’t want to see you happy from taking even a single piece of my flesh.
Still, if you want it, I’ll give birth to the child. Look at the child you wanted and try being miserable.
Was that roughly how he’d felt? After losing everything, did Dad Juho hope the man he loved would be ruined, even if it meant losing himself too?
Or was it that he couldn’t bring himself to die because of the child born from the person he loved, so instead he was sentencing that person to the punishment of a lifetime of loveless loneliness?
If that’s the case, then I……
“……If I give birth to it?”
He grabbed Ji Haesu’s foot, which was still nudging his belly, and lifted his head.
“If I give birth to the baby…….”
At that moment, Ji Haesu lunged at him and kissed him. Before he could even say “don’t,” Ji Haesu’s lips enveloped his, his tongue forcing its way into his mouth.
He tried to say he didn’t want to kiss, but the kiss grew denser, gentler than before, and Choi Suho found himself clinging little by little to Ji Haesu’s lips. Affection dripped thickly from those lips, and the chest that had begun to creak and break down started beating loudly again.
This was on a completely different level from the love poets talked about. Maybe because it was different in texture from the love he’d been taught all his life, others might say it wasn’t love at all.
But Ji Haesu’s love was directed solely at him.
It was different from his father’s love, which had been a projection of Choi Juho.
It was different, too, from Do Si-in’s love—love that existed, yet ultimately couldn’t love him.
Ji Haesu looked at him as he was and loved him as he was. There was no need to feel guilty about being the same kind of trash. If he just did what Ji Haesu wanted, he wouldn’t have to worry anymore about being gang-raped, or about spending his old age locked up in a psychiatric hospital, trembling in terror over that future.
That realization made Choi Suho happy—and at the same time terrified him, drove him insane.
Why? Why would you love me enough to abandon the request? Then what does that make me, who needs to atone to Si-in? What about Si-in’s life? Am I going to gnaw away at Si-in’s life all over again?
Am I… becoming trash again, just because I end up loving you?
Every time Choi Suho truly loved someone, he felt fear. The weight of love, the pressure, the burden of having to take responsibility for someone—the eyes of the wet nurse who had died—chased after him like a lighthouse.
—You’re the reason Juho died!
His maternal grandmother’s voice echoed from behind him.
—You’re the reason Juho died!
To him, love was an overwhelming thing. What was as easy as breathing for others was, for him, like barely managing to stick his lips above water and gulp for air. One wrong step and he’d fall, drown completely in Ji Haesu’s love. And so, in the end, Choi Suho decided to leap back out of the water.
***
I have to run away. By the time he steeled himself to that decision, some time had already passed since he’d been dragged to the Pyeongchang-dong mansion. It had already been forty-nine days since his father died, and looking even deeper, half a year had passed since he’d met Ji Haesu. If he traced it back further, it had been over five years since he’d abandoned Do Si-in.
If he measured the level of contamination from the crime he’d committed against Do Si-in, what number would it be? It was serious enough to land him in prison, and it had had plenty of time to fester—on a scale of one to ten, it would easily be a ten.
Just as Ji Haesu said, trash that couldn’t even be sorted for recycling.
That didn’t mean he wanted to live with trash like Ji Haesu, not even a little. When one piece of trash meets another piece of trash, all it does is increase the amount of trash in society—meeting, having a baby together, and…….
Flinch.
“Why do you keep flinching? Scared?”
“Like hell I am.”
He was just irritated because after nearly a month of doing nothing but having sex, the first place they’d come to outside was an obstetrics clinic. Choi Suho let out a huff of breath and stared blankly, with dull eyes, at the Alphas and Omegas passing by, all cozy and lovey-dovey.
So that’s what normal Alphas and Omegas look like. We look like a prison guard and a convict……
Flinch.
“Why do you keep flinching like that, Suho?”
Their hands were clasped, and each of their wrists was cuffed together, one cuff apiece, so they could feel each other’s tremors clearly. Choi Suho was so horrified by the fact that he’d unconsciously thought “we” that he gasped, clamped a hand over his mouth, and staggered. He pulled his cap down low and retched, the sound so unmistakably like that of a pregnant Omega that passersby whispered.
“Was he an Omega after all?”
“So he wasn’t an Alpha.”
At that, Choi Suho—his temper still very much alive—shot them a sharp glare and snapped viciously.
“What, fuck. Ever seen an Omega who looks like an Alpha for the first time? First time seeing a pregnant Omega?”
Even when Choi Suho tried to jump to his feet in a rage, he couldn’t stand because he was bound to Ji Haesu. When Ji Haesu tightened his grip on his wrist and said, “Sit,” Choi Suho trembled violently and dropped back down. He clenched his fists, placed them on his thighs, lowered his head, and started cursing.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”
“Choi Suho……!”
“Oh, I heard Choi Suho’s an Omega.”
Ji Haesu’s indifferent tone only made him angrier. Choi Suho was just about to lunge at him, shouting, “You bas—!”
“Number ninety, please proceed to Dr. Kim Chang-wook’s obstetrics office.”
At that moment, Choi Suho’s face went white. Ji Haesu, wearing an impassive expression, was about to grab his collar when Choi Suho seized his wrist. Ji Haesu looked down at him steadily.
“L-Let’s go.”
Choi Suho spoke in a trembling voice, head lowered. And then he added—
“I-I’ll do it with my mouth today.”
Choi Suho, who prided himself on his dignity and hated oral sex more than anyone? And Ji Haesu, too, had absolutely no desire to make Choi Suho give him a blowjob after the incident where Choi Suho had nearly died from semen flowing back.
“It’s fine. Hurry up. Let’s check if the baby’s okay.”
“But why do we even have to check?”
Choi Suho’s avoidant tendencies reared their head yet again. Ji Haesu wasn’t angry. He just thought, Ah, so this is about when he’ll start running.
Choi Suho always runs when he’s faced with something he has to take responsibility for.
What will you do after you see that the baby’s fine? You’ll run, obviously. Ji Haesu knew that and planned to let him go anyway. Then, without knowing any of that, you’ll desperately run, I’ll chase you, let you go, chase you again, let you go again.
Just thinking about it is fun.
A faint smile curved Ji Haesu’s lips as he looked at Choi Suho. Sensing something ominous, Choi Suho tried to bolt. In that instant, Ji Haesu held up the cuffed wrist, making it impossible for him to escape, and said,
“Not now.”
“……!”
Choi Suho’s eyes widened.
“Running isn’t something you do now. You’ve got to get that leg cast off first, don’t you?”
“Ugh!”
With that, Ji Haesu dragged Choi Suho into the obstetrics examination room. Knowing Choi Suho hated being the center of attention, he’d deliberately chosen a male Omega obstetrician.
“Oh, welcome.”
“Yes, hello.”
Ji Haesu put on a friendly smile as easily as changing masks. Watching it happen right next to him, Choi Suho stared as if he were looking at a ghost and tried to pull away. While the doctor briefly turned to check the chart, Ji Haesu removed the handcuffs. When Choi Suho lost his balance and nearly collapsed, Ji Haesu slipped the cuffs into his sleeve and wrapped that arm around Choi Suho’s waist, holding him up.
“Your husband is incredibly tall. This husband here is tall too—whether the baby turns out to be an Alpha or an Omega, it’ll probably be tall.”
Ji Haesu smoothly brushed off the obstetrician’s comment. Inside the cap pulled low over his face, Choi Suho bit down hard on his lip.
It should’ve been enough to confirm with a pregnancy test this morning that he hadn’t miscarried. Why did we even come to an obstetrics clinic? His palms were drenched in sweat, his head spinning so badly he couldn’t even properly follow what was happening during the exam.
By the time he came to his senses, his toned abdomen was exposed, pushed out as he underwent the ultrasound. At least Ji Haesu hadn’t beaten him during the past month after finding out he was pregnant, so the bruises on his body were gone. He’d also diligently applied ointment to make the bruises fade before coming to the hospital, so he looked normal.
“Can you see it here?”
“Yes.”
Ji Haesu replied in a calm voice, but his eyes were sparkling. Choi Suho kept his cap pulled low, trying not to look. Even so, he could see it beneath the brim.
A tiny, kidney-bean-shaped life, attached to his body.
“Congratulations. The baby is very healthy.”
