-49-
‘Why exactly did I come back to the past?’
Thud, thud. The sound of Ido’s footsteps moving away could be heard. Eventually, Bunhong, who had been covering his face with his trembling palms, pondered.
‘No, why did Lee Hanbit and I meet in the first place?’
If some silent force had brought him and someone so similar yet so different together, there must surely be a reason. No, he believed there absolutely had to be. Rather than helplessly having everything taken away like before the regression with his eyes wide open, he had to make the first move.
So from Bunhong’s perspective, it wasn’t stealing but reclaiming. Looking back, what Hanbit had taken was originally the place where he himself should have been.
Eventually, having finished his thoughts, Bunhong slowly raised his head.
Something flickering projected on the studio glass gradually took shape.
Then Bunhong, whose eyes met his own shadow, was startled and opened his eyes wide. Though he stumbled backward and fell down, he couldn’t take his eyes off that place as if he were bewitched.
“…!”
Incredibly, it was smiling. As his lips gradually began to curve upward, Bunhong’s heart began to pound as he watched it.
No, that’s not my face. Bunhong hurriedly felt his own face. Then the shadow that had been still also raised its hand and caressed its own face.
Eventually, as if the shadow was speaking to Kim Bunhong, dark inner thoughts began to flow in.
‘Why do you consider that punishment?’
Bunhong stammered.
“Wh-what…”
No matter how much he tried to look away, the hidden demon that had already slipped into Bunhong’s weakened heart, or rather had existed deep within his heart from the beginning, gradually revealed its presence. The demon didn’t stop whispering to him.
‘Think carefully, maybe it could be an opportunity.’
Bunhong covered both ears, trying not to listen. But the demon that had already invaded his mind grew bloated and tried to devour even his body.
“Get it together. Don’t think about it. This really isn’t right.”
However… it was such a sweet temptation that he was fooled even knowing it was wrong.
‘What you’ve longed for so much…’
Now that Lee Hanbit wasn’t here,
‘Do you really think you’re not qualified?’
It was the only opportunity to fill that empty space.
‘You’ve been practicing all along.’
Why can’t I become you? The doubt he’d harbored all along became another question and was transmitted directly to Kim Bunhong.
‘Then wouldn’t it be fair for you to have an opportunity too?’
Bunhong thought. Then, now that you’re not here, could I become you?
Kim Bunhong realized that until now, he’d been too afraid of the cliff to look down to the bottom. Today he had seen his own rock bottom. Bunhong realized he was human enough to even have such terrible imaginings. He could read even the ugly desires that had become clear from the abyss spread at the end of the pit.
If he set his mind to it, he could become Lee Hanbit. Upon realizing that fact, Bunhong even began to wonder about this.
Even knowing it was the demon’s whisper, perhaps this was exactly the opportunity God had given him? Perhaps this was one of the things he needed to set right after the regression.
He hadn’t given him the talent he so desperately wanted, but sent someone similar yet superior to his side to make him know that thirst, making Kim Bunhong feel only despair that he could never catch up to even a hair’s breadth of Hanbit.
But imitating such a Lee Hanbit was something possible within the scope of efforts Bunhong had been making all along. Because the two were similar. And weren’t they members of the same group who had been together for quite a long time?
Lying was easy. Just like how Bunhong had deceived his friends around him when he was young to avoid being abandoned, if he acted well enough, perhaps no one would be harmed. If BLACK’s members should eternally be five, then wasn’t Lee Hanbit’s late joining of BLACK also against the established rules?
If he just remembered a few preset details, he would never be caught. As far as Bunhong knew, effort never betrayed you. Until now, no matter how hard he tried, he could only resent himself for being unable to catch up to Lee Hanbit, but seeing how he’d returned like this, it was clear that his belief wasn’t wrong.
“The reason God made us meet, it turns out…”
Looking back on all the painful times until now, perhaps it was the answer given to solve the difficult problem that Kim Bunhong, who had been a diligent model student, couldn’t solve? With such conviction and self-rationalization, his train of thought kept flowing uncontrollably in that direction.
In the past, people had always said this with one voice in front of Bunhong.
‘Hanbit must definitely be an angel!’
When Bunhong rejected Hanbit’s kind gestures, Hanbit took the lead in trying to smooth over the situation, dealt with gossip calmly, and even when it was revealed that the culprit who had torn Hanbit’s stage costume to shreds with scissors wasn’t a sasaeng who had snuck into the waiting room but Kim Bunhong, he said this:
‘There’s no way Bunhong hyung would do that.’
Lee Hanbit always protected Bunhong like a habit whenever incidents occurred. But unlike naive Hanbit, Bunhong, whose curiosity was tremendous enough to have been first in his class multiple times during his school days, already knew through the countless books he’d read or the countless problem sets he’d solved.
That real angels couldn’t exist in the world!
Once, the two had been roommates sharing the same room. If Lee Hanbit had really been an angel, Bunhong would have already broken those wings while he slept. Just in case, he even took off sleeping Hanbit’s pajamas while he was in deep sleep to check, but as expected, there was nothing on his back so thin that bones were visible.
As if waking up, Hanbit rubbed his eyes with his hands and asked.
‘Hyung… what are you doing?’
While pulling up the pajamas that had slipped down his shoulders because Bunhong had undressed him, he muttered that he was embarrassed because his sleeping habits were bad.
To such a person, Bunhong, pretending nothing had happened, put on a mask and showed the appearance of a good hyung, smiling kindly contrary to his inner feelings.
‘Did you wake up? It’s nothing.’
That day, Kim Bunhong, who ultimately couldn’t find wings, was disgusted by Hanbit’s hypocrisy whenever people praised Lee Hanbit in front of him, and secretly ground his teeth, vowing several times that he would definitely tear off that mask Hanbit was hiding behind while pretending to be a good person on the surface.
However, through the truth Ido had given him today, it was proven that Bunhong’s hypothesis that Hanbit could never be a good person was somewhat correct. If Lee Hanbit were in front of his eyes right now, he would have said this:
‘You already had everything. Trying to have Jeong Ido too, how selfish.’
Since Hanbit had already crossed the line first, Bunhong had no reason to feel guilty either.
* * *
That day, Kim Bunhong might have been able to refuse that sweet proposal Ido had given him. Because when Ido, who had finished smoking and returned to the studio, added at the end that it wasn’t coercion anyway.
“…One’s will is important in choices.”
At those words, Kim Bunhong, who had been silent, finally found his answer. People often think there are numerous choices laid out at each moment, but in problem sets, there was only one correct answer.
At every moment, he had to choose one of two dichotomous options: ‘do it’ or ‘don’t do it.’
Thus, after much deliberation, the path Bunhong chose was,
“…You know what choice I’ll make.”
Of course, he would definitely do it. As if he had expected it, Ido nodded at Bunhong’s answer.
Yes. It was the sweet forbidden fruit he had once tasted before. How could Bunhong, who already knew the sweetness of that taste, resist the temptation?
When he fell in love with Jeong Ido too, no, actually much earlier than that, Bunhong had been intuiting it. That as Ido predicted, they ultimately wouldn’t be able to work out. There was no way a romance with a visible end could last long. Romance with Ido was precarious like walking a tightrope in midair when happy, and when unhappy, it was just sticky like rolling in mud.
However, even knowing that the end would be tragic, even if he ultimately became nothing, jumping in like a moth mad for the dazzling light sparkling before his eyes was entirely his own choice.
‘I don’t want to live without presence anymore. I’m tired now. I want to be loved by other people too.’
That’s right. Until now, Kim Bunhong had always been BLACK’s, Lee Hanbit’s shadow. It was a terrible shackle he couldn’t escape as long as there were two members with similar charm in one group. Just Hanbit’s existence meant that before the regression, he had to spend the entire time as BLACK feeling suffocated as if a noose were around his neck.
Lee Hanbit, wearing an angel’s mask. Until now, he had pretended to be noble, living elegantly like a swan. But Bunhong didn’t think that, as people said, Lee Hanbit had given up everything while yielding to him in all things.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
