Chapter 6. Jealousy (2)
“For you to be here, this can’t be a coincidence. Don’t tell me you came to see Sir Ardwino?”
“I was actually looking to see you…”
“Me? You mean me? Why, wasn’t selling out your acquaintance enough that you plan to arrest and imprison me too? Ha, you’re truly remarkable. How could you do such a thing? The story about Satan being everywhere around us was true after all. He’s truly right before my eyes.”
Hakan, who looked much more haggard in complexion and appearance than when seen before, was covered in bitter laughter. His skin and hair were dry and brittle. You could see at a glance how much mental anguish he had suffered. Moreover, judging by how he was being dragged out of the courtroom, it seemed he had caused quite a scene inside. The reason was obvious.
“I intend to get Sir Ardwino out of prison by any means necessary. I’m determined to save that boy no matter what it takes. If he’s a sinner, then am I not also a sinner? But why don’t they arrest me? Why am I not on the list? Can you explain this contradiction? Conversely, if I’m not a sinner, doesn’t that mean Sir Ardwino isn’t either? Tell me. Am I wrong?”
Hakan grabbed Eckart by the collar. With a desperate face, he spewed out his boiling insides.
“If it’s because I have indulgences, then why can’t Sir Ardwino be bought out with money? I said I’d give money! I said I’d give all the money I have! I bought all these indulgences! Why won’t it work!”
Hakan pulled papers from his bosom and threw them at Eckart’s face. The indulgences fluttered down.
“Do you think it will end once you’ve arrested everyone, once you’ve killed them all? Be careful. It might be your turn next. They’re the type to mercilessly discard anything unnecessary. They’ll sweep away anything bothersome. Just like now. They’ll brand them as sinners at will and burn them to death.”
Hakan, who had been shouting in rage, breathed heavily. Even then, Eckart said nothing. No, he couldn’t. Because there was nothing wrong with Hakan’s words.
Eckart himself wanted to ask. Why exactly is someone a sinner and someone else not? What is the standard? He was certainly committing sins too, yet while he would be forgiven if he prayed, why couldn’t Ardwino be the same? Why wouldn’t they even give him such a chance?
Looking at Hakan with tired eyes, Eckart opened his mouth.
“Sir Ardwino… asked me to pass along a message.”
“What… message…”
“He said it’s not because of you, so don’t feel sorry, and don’t come looking for him while taking risks because of someone like him.”
At Eckart’s words, Hakan’s eyes widened and he froze. Soon his eyes grew moist. The hand that had been gripping Eckart’s collar trembled, then lost strength and released the clothing he had been clutching.
Covering his eyes with his hand, Hakan stood powerlessly for a moment before speaking in a voice heavy with moisture.
“I… I took my anger out on you. I’m sorry. You must be suffering too.”
“…No.”
“What sin could you have? You were ordered from above, so you had no choice but to follow. But I really can’t understand. What kind of God’s word is this, what kind of God’s will?”
Hakan looked at Eckart. His eyes were red-rimmed. Resentment and sorrow, anger and anguish were desperately mixed together.
“They must be afraid of becoming dangerous to them. They must covet their wealth. Isn’t that right?”
“…They are not such people.”
At Eckart’s words, Hakan let out an incredulous laugh.
“You see the world with truly naive eyes.”
Saying that, he turned around.
“As I said, I intend to get Sir Ardwino out somehow. I have many people to meet, so I’ll excuse myself now. If you see Sir Ardwino again… please tell him I will never give up… and that I miss him.”
Leaving only those words, Eckart watched his retreating figure for a long time as it grew distant.
Only after Hakan’s figure had completely disappeared did Eckart pass the message to Ardwino. Upon hearing Hakan’s words that he would never give up, Ardwino said “Nobles really are…” and laughed as if there was nothing to be done. At the words about missing him, his eyes seemed to redden slightly.
Eckart left that place after telling Ardwino that he too would try to find a way. Behind him, he could hear Ardwino’s shouts telling him not to, but he ignored them.
The way back felt several times longer than the path going to see Ardwino. Driving the horse slowly, he left deep sighs everywhere.
There was no other way. Since His Holiness was a merciful person, he had no choice but to rely on that kindness. Eckart remembered the large, warm hand that had been placed on his head. It was the memory of the day he first met His Holiness.
St. Michael Monastery. On a cold winter day, it was the place where Eckart had grown up after a monk named Bezel discovered him starving on the streets and brought him there.
Even his oldest memories were only of begging on the streets or filling his stomach with crumbs that others had dropped, so he must have been abandoned right after birth or lost his mother early on. To such an Eckart, the monastery was his first home.
Though not affluent, warm meals were always provided, everyone was kind, and he was always learning something new. Both writing and swordsmanship were taught to him there. Bezel, who had brought him there, was a former holy knight who recognized Eckart’s talent early on and gave him a sword carved from wood.
When he opened his eyes, there was a portrait of God painted on the stone ceiling. After finishing morning prayers and going out, meal preparations were in full swing. Everyone sat around the table and gave thanks for God’s grace. They learned God’s great will, asked for forgiveness on behalf of all people who were already sinners from birth, sang God’s words, and discussed methods of engraving God’s will in the world. Until he closed his eyes, wherever he was in the monastery, he was with God.
God always stayed by his side. After some time, God began to respond to his prayers, and answers to his questions would return. As his intellectual level improved enough to fathom God’s will, his swordsmanship skills also improved day by day.
And so, in the year he turned ten, Eckart was finally able to shed all sins and be reborn anew in God’s embrace. It was Bishop Severus who gave him a new name. Also, while it was Bezel who practically raised and taught Eckart, it was also Bishop Severus who sponsored and managed the monastery so that he could take in children and bestow grace upon them.
So Severus was both godfather and benefactor to Eckart. He had taken in an orphan from the slums, fed, housed, clothed, and taught him, and finally made him be reborn anew in God’s embrace – how could that not be God’s grace?
Thinking of Severus, who had cherished his insignificant self and bestowed warm affection, Eckart drew up a small hope from the darkness. Even if not for others, wouldn’t he show mercy to Ardwino, who was Eckart’s friend? He hoped at least a chance would be given. A chance to seek forgiveness and be forgiven to return to God’s embrace again.
Of course, that would mean the end of Ardwino and Hakan’s relationship, but if he could survive by doing so… Eckart, who had been thinking that far, unconsciously gripped the reins tightly. The reins pulled taut and the slowly moving horse stopped even that movement.
Eckart’s long eyes widened greatly. It was because he had realized why Ardwino hadn’t run away. He had only thought it was a belief that as one who became a knight, he would never run even if death approached, but that wasn’t it.
He had chosen to die as a sinner. Because if he ran away or denied his sins, his relationship with Hakan would also end or be denied. It seemed he thought it better to face death while still loving him, as a sinner who only loved someone of the same sex.
How foolish. Eckart’s brows furrowed. It was truly like Ardwino yet foolish. On one hand, he felt his love was remarkable – so straight and unwavering that he would make such a choice. Wasn’t he himself foolish and stupid? Wandering while unable to either let go or protect.
Eckart drove the horse again.
“Captain!”
Lef, who had been waiting at the village entrance, spotted him and came running. Eckart slowed the horse’s pace further and approached Lef’s side. As he dismounted, Lef asked.
“You look better than I thought you would.”
Eckart was inwardly relieved by Lef’s unremarkable reaction. He had been constantly worried about leaving Lef here while thinking only of Ardwino. Fortunately, he didn’t seem to have any intention of going inside the house.
“Did you think I would cry or something?”
“Well, I was kind of hoping for it. Actually, I can’t really imagine what the captain would look like crying.”
Saying that, Lef grinned mischievously. It was still an unpleasant face full of mockery, but he was quite deep inside.
“No matter how much I dislike the guy, seeing it happen like that makes me feel a bit sorry for him… Anyway, I’ve repaid my debt, Captain. Thanks to me, you at least got to say farewell.”
Lef looked relieved as if he had finally unloaded a burden. He too seemed to have taken this action to repay a debt to Eckart. And that debt, like Ardwino’s, was being saved by Eckart when he nearly died on the battlefield.
“Yes. You did well.”
“Not at all. But Captain, are you going to keep staying here?”
“Why do you ask that?”
“Just curious. It doesn’t look very good here, so why don’t you stay at the Papal Court and pray with me instead? You’ve been too busy working to do proper confession, haven’t you?”
“…I was actually thinking of going this afternoon.”
“Then I’ll wait and go with you, Captain.”
Eckart was about to say to go ahead first, then closed his mouth. He briefly cast his gaze toward the building where Ronen was hiding, then gave a belated answer.
“Let’s go now.”
“Did you suddenly change your mind? That’s fine with me though…”
“It’s far to where the horses are. It would be better to call a carriage.”
“I don’t mind. We have plenty of time anyway, so it’s fine to walk slowly.”
“If that’s the case.”
Lef slowly began walking while holding the horse’s reins. Eckart, who had glanced at the window, followed behind. It seemed like one of the curtains covering the window had moved.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
