Chapter 5. Haetae (16)
“……I shouldn’t have chosen this path from the beginning. There’s no use regretting it now. I’m already completely ruined, and I’ve become a body that can’t live without committing sins.”
At Ronen’s self-deprecating soliloquy, Eckart managed to offer comfort.
“If it’s something beyond your will, God will understand. Aren’t you repenting your sins more than anyone else and trying not to sin anymore? As long as you don’t let go of God, God won’t let go of you either.”
Even to a male prostitute who was trying to seduce and corrupt a faithful holy knight when one wasn’t enough for him, Eckart offered such warm words of comfort that it felt like his heart was being squeezed. Ronen placed his hand over his chest and squeezed his eyes shut.
He was grateful to Eckart, who tried to save sinners without giving up on them to the very end as written in the scriptures…… but even his prayers wouldn’t be able to help.
Through his painfully parted lips, a voice as faint as a sigh flowed out.
“You can say that because you don’t know anything. I’m committing sins even at this very moment.”
“What do you mean by that?”
A body that had become endlessly lewd after learning pleasure. A soul that couldn’t overcome it in the end and sold itself to the devil. The sins Ronen had committed weren’t just that.
The resentment and hatred directed at the Grand Duke who had made him this way. The vengeful heart that couldn’t forgive him and wanted to pay him back in kind. At this very moment, the ugly feelings wishing for him to lose himself and suffer were all tangled up inside him.
And.
“……Aren’t you curious about how I escaped, how I was able to get away from the Grand Duke and come find you?”
Confusion appeared on Eckart’s face. Ronen smiled strangely, as if frowning.
The sins he had carefully built up one by one with vengeance alone lay precariously beneath his feet. To escape from the Grand Duke, and thus make the Grand Duke completely lose him, he had spoken countless lies. He had used and sacrificed many people.
Ronen already knew it too. The only way to escape from the Grand Duke. The fact that it was death.
As if he would let him go someday, pretending to enjoy temporary amusement, but he couldn’t hide the emotions burning hotly in those depths. The seething desire to possess, to monopolize, to dominate…… the boiling lust for himself who was caught in his hands but not completely possessed.
He once thought he just had to run away, but in the end he was dragged back, and as innocent people died because of him, he realized. There was no way to escape from his grasp. Even if he barely escaped, he would be chased forever. The Grand Duke he had seen was a persistent man. One who was cruelly tenacious.
Still, Ronen couldn’t bring himself to give up and was holding his breath, only watching for opportunities, when a new Pope was enthroned and the Night Office was established.
On the day he heard that prostitutes were being dragged away and executed, Ronen felt a trembling rising from within. He felt as if God himself was pushing his back as he barely stood at the edge of a cliff.
What brought fear to others, the Night Office, was rather an opportunity for Ronen. He was undoubtedly a sinner who violated the scriptures, so if he was caught and dragged away, the Grand Duke would have no choice. He would watch him being executed and rage at the fact that he could never have him forever.
Finally, an opportunity has come to me. A way to escape this hell has appeared. This too is nothing less than salvation for me. He barely hid his excitement and began preparing one by one.
Since he needed help for that, Ronen seduced Canui, the painter who came and went to paint him.
Naturally, Canui refused Ronen’s request to report him to the officials. He was terrified and doubted his own ears. His face, mumbling something with his tongue that was less than half remaining, was pale with confusion and fear.
Ronen clung to such Canui and pleaded.
“I don’t want to live like this anymore. You feel sorry for me like this. You always looked at me as if you pitied me. Only you can save me. Please help me escape from this hell. Please.”
Since Ronen had always been noble and detached, Canui looked down at him with wide eyes. His pupils showed surprise and bewilderment, but also a strange sense of elation.
Ronen made an even more pitiful expression and grabbed his clothes.
“You know too. How cruel the Grand Duke is. How long do you think he’ll cherish me like this? One year? Two years? Eventually, someday he’ll completely destroy me. He’ll devour me completely. He’ll hack me up messily and crush me miserably.”
At Ronen’s terrified voice, Canui also began to waver. Ronen looked up at him and continued speaking.
“How long will you be able to see me? One year? Two years? Perhaps you’ll be driven out as soon as that painting is completed. He might bring a painter more excellent than you.”
Fear gradually spread across Canui’s face as well. Ronen didn’t miss the opportunity and shook him further.
“If that happens, you won’t be able to see me. You won’t be able to paint me anymore. Is that okay with you?”
Canui desperately shook his head. Ronen slowly reached out and placed his hands on both of Canui’s cheeks. He whispered while cupping his face.
“I already know. How much you love me, this appearance of mine.”
Ronen’s face, gradually approaching, was reflected in Canui’s wide-open pupils. The lips that touched his forehead and then withdrew were as light and soft as down, but the voice that followed was terribly seductive.
“……You wanted to have me.”
Canui was the same as the Grand Duke. Only the way of taking was different. Unlike the Grand Duke who decorated and preserved him in a space arranged to his taste, Canui couldn’t possess Ronen, so he directly imprisoned him in his artwork. He wanted to perfectly capture even every single flaw.
“Let me leave in this form before the Grand Duke destroys me. That way I’ll remain in your memory forever in this form. I’ll live in your memory in an unchanging form, never aging, never hurting, never getting wounded.”
Ronen gently stroked Canui’s cheek and continued his sweet whispers.
“We’ll meet again soon. I’ll go first and wait for you. Just like this. Think about it carefully. The flames that devoured the world, me who will be before you forever in this form within them.”
Canui willingly took Ronen’s hand. Ronen decided to use Canui to directly lure Eckart to this place. Lest the Grand Duke catch his tail, slowly and carefully.
If he was going to die anyway. If possible, he wanted the person who would pray for him to personally lead him to the execution platform. Since it was death and nothing else, it seemed Ronen should be allowed to choose that much.
Canui even kindly obtained poison for him. It was consideration hoping he would meet death with as little pain as possible.
Thus Ronen lured Eckart as he had wished…… but the Grand Duke noticed and spirited Ronen away, causing it to fail.
He tried again pretending to purchase materials, but the Grand Duke noticed again and it failed. Still, it wasn’t completely without harvest. The shackles that had been placed on Ronen’s ankles were removed, and the shadow-like eyes that always watched were also all cleared away.
It seemed a more perfect situation than this wouldn’t come again. Thinking it was his last chance, Ronen decided to involve Osian and Nelly in this matter as well.
“Osian. Won’t you grant me just one favor?”
Osian’s face turned white when he heard Ronen’s plan. If they were caught, he would be a dead man on the spot, so he refused immediately without hesitation.
To such Osian, Ronen offered everything he possessed. Ornaments so splendid they were sickening, statues of gods, silver tableware, and such.
At Ronen’s words that it would all be his, Osian just kept swallowing his saliva. Looking at Osian who was already beginning to waver, Ronen smiled gently. The words flowing from his lips were as sweet and dangerous as the sirens who lured sailors into the sea, as sweet and dangerous as the serpent’s whisper telling them to eat the forbidden fruit.
“With these, you could live without worrying about money for the rest of your life. A comfortable house and abundant food, a new status and a new life. Plus Nelly too. Osian, aren’t these the things you wanted? Don’t you want to be happy with Nelly?”
Osian and Nelly. Ronen had already noticed their relationship long ago. How could he not know? The subtle atmosphere that flowed whenever their eyes met, Osian’s expression different from usual, his flushed cheeks and ears, the backs of hands that touched briefly and then withdrew, the noticeably careful glances around them……
Since they had been staying in the same building, he also knew that Osian secretly went in and out of the attic room. He heard the old wooden stairs creaking every dawn. Not only Ronen, but probably the gatekeeper and Canui had noticed too. The two were too pure to hide their feelings and just as clumsy.
It was fine for the two young people to depend on each other and grow their feelings. The problem was that their relationship was too precarious to promise eternity.
Osian, who would soon become an adult, would soon be driven out. That position would be replaced by a young servant who knew nothing, and everything Osian enjoyed would be taken away. Nelly too was currently serving Canui, but her situation was uncertain once he completed his painting.
If Osian was driven out and Nelly was sent elsewhere by the Grand Duke, their relationship would end that very day. The precariousness of not knowing when they might be separated seemed to make their relationship all the more tender.
Ronen decided to use that tenderness. The deeper their feelings, the more they were like hostages to each other.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
