Chapter 32
It felt like all the water had drained from his body. Without the strength to move even a finger, Yuwon collapsed sprawled on top of Jeonghyeok’s body.
When he rested his head on the firm chest, the heavy, resonant sound of his heartbeat echoed in his ears. Yuwon, who had been quietly listening to that sound, peeked his head up and asked.
“I’m heavy, aren’t I?”
“Not at all.”
“Liar.”
When he buried his face back into his chest and giggled, Jeonghyeok also chuckled softly.
“I’m serious. You need to put on some weight.”
Jeonghyeok kneaded Yuwon’s forearm with a worried expression. Even though he was a man and had basic muscle, his frame was naturally thin and he had no fat. Even though he didn’t make him work and just kept him at home feeding him, he was still like this. It was fascinating that only his butt had plumply gained some flesh.
“Were you always this skinny?”
“Mm… I think I have a constitution that doesn’t gain weight easily. According to the Director, I’ve been like this since I was very young.”
Since it was his constitution, there was nothing more to say. Jeonghyeok gently stroked down Yuwon’s arm that he was holding. Feeling that touch, Yuwon said quietly.
“I probably resemble the people who gave birth to me.”
It was a calm voice without any emotion. Just hearing it was enough to make one side of his chest ache. He had never comforted anyone in his life, but right now he wanted to give Yuwon the warmest comfort in the world.
Jeonghyeok wrapped his arms around Yuwon’s back. Even though he had just held him to his heart’s content, he wanted to hug him again.
“Do you miss your parents?”
“Rather than missing them… I’m curious. There are many things I want to ask too.”
“What do you want to ask?”
“Just, what I did so wrong. What exactly made them abandon me and leave, things like that.”
Until elementary school, he waited for his parents. Sitting alone on the low steps at the entrance of the villa, every time a car came and went, he hoped and hoped again that it might be his mom.
He gave up hope after becoming a middle schooler. If they weren’t going to come get me by now, they must have forgotten about me. On the day he got fitted for his school uniform with the Director, he returned to his room and cried his heart out in sorrow, giving up on his feelings.
After several years passed like that, it seemed like all that crying had become something that never happened. As if someone had artificially erased the events of that time.
“When I was young, I hated them so, so much, but now I don’t hate them anymore. I don’t have any heart left to hate them more.”
“……”
“I just wish I could meet them at least once before I die. Do I resemble my mom, or do I resemble my dad? I’m curious about that too.”
Yuwon tried hard to smile. It had taken so much time to be able to smile like this. If he hadn’t met Jeonghyeok, it might have taken even longer.
He was grateful for the coincidence that led him to meet ajeossi. Looking back, ajeossi had no interest in him at all. Remembering how disgustingly he had chased after him made him burst into laughter. Then, Jeonghyeok, who had been quietly listening, opened his mouth.
“I don’t have parents either.”
The smile that had spread across his lips disappeared instantly. Yuwon quickly raised his head to look at Jeonghyeok. He worried about what to do if he had a sad expression, but unexpectedly, his face was calm.
“Both of them passed away. When I was fifteen, my father died first in an accident.”
Jeonghyeok’s father had left his hometown alone at a very young age and came to Seoul. Having nothing particular he knew how to do, he naturally became a neighborhood loan shark thanks to his natural physical condition, but even so, he usually didn’t harm people. He charged high interest to people who had some money, and for those who didn’t, he gave them generous deadlines considering their circumstances. Thanks to that, he gained quite a bit of trust from the neighborhood people at the time.
The better his credit became, the more accelerated his money circulation became. His father, who had established a proper private business, fell in love with the daughter of an old snack shop in the neighborhood. The two soon had a child, and that was Jeonghyeok.
On Children’s Day, he received crude robot gifts. On his birthday, he put candles on a cake and ate whole chicken to his heart’s content. In summer, they went to valleys to play in the water, and in winter, they climbed the back mountain and rode sleds made from sacks. It was a fairly ordinary family. Until his father died in an accident.
‘This can’t be happening. Honey, honey……’
The image of his mother crying while embracing his father’s corpse, mangled beyond recognition after being hit by a truck late at night, was still vivid. Young Jeonghyeok was also deeply saddened by losing his father, but because he had to stay by his grieving mother’s side, he swallowed the rising tears.
From then on, he began living while hiding his emotions. It became natural to live expressionlessly, as if wearing a thick mask.
“My mother passed away the year I turned exactly twenty.”
“……”
“After father left, she gradually became ill, but she held on for quite a long time.”
After his father’s sudden death, his mother gradually broke down. He was young then and didn’t understand well, but thinking about it now, it might have been depression. She would shed tears like chicken droppings while combing her hair, folding laundry, or serving rice.
His mother, who had struggled to hold on until her only son became an adult, quietly left the world one day before Jeonghyeok’s high school graduation. She had closed her eyes peacefully as if sleeping.
She must have gone to meet father. Twenty-year-old Jeonghyeok thought that way.
College was out of the question and he had to make his own living right away, so he started with manual labor at construction sites. After returning from military service, he settled in the neighborhood where his father had been active and did loan shark work just like his father. As they say, you learn what you’re taught—in the end, he inherited his father’s work.
“Ajeossi must have had a very hard time too.”
Yuwon spoke as if he himself had experienced hardship. His clear eyes were now full of sadness.
This wasn’t why he had brought up past stories to see this kind of face. Jeonghyeok brushed away Yuwon’s slightly fallen hair and said.
“What I wanted to say was……”
He moved his lips for a moment. So, what I really wanted to tell you was.
“We’re both alone.”
It wasn’t simply to inform him of the absence of parents. Jeonghyeok wanted to comfort him. He wanted to tell Yuwon that he wasn’t the only one left alone in the world. Even if it might be an insignificant wound compared to yours, I too have lived a very lonely life. So don’t be sad.
Jeonghyeok stroked Yuwon’s head. Feeling the soft hair tickling his fingers, he caressed the round head several times. Hoping that this would be a comfort.
After feeling Jeonghyeok’s touch for a while, Yuwon leaned quietly against Jeonghyeok and said.
“I’ll become ajeossi’s family. I won’t go anywhere and will stay by ajeossi’s side forever.”
Yuwon smiled beautifully with his eyes sparkling. That smiling face was branded like a mark in Jeonghyeok’s heart. Thanks to that, his chest ached. It really felt like red-hot iron was searing the center of his chest.
Unaware of Jeonghyeok’s confused feelings, Yuwon continued in a gentle voice.
“But since it’s my first time becoming someone’s family, I might be clumsy. Please teach me a lot, ajeossi.”
It was truly strange. He had clearly wanted to comfort Yuwon, but somehow he felt like he was being comforted by Yuwon instead. Jeonghyeok hid his helplessly distorting expression and answered.
“……Yeah.”
Yuwon moved to Jeonghyeok’s side with a happy smile. Wrapping his thin arms around his waist and calling “ajeossi,” his voice was full of his characteristic charm.
“Then should I be ajeossi’s son?”
“Don’t talk nonsense.”
“Why not? It would have been really nice to have a dad like ajeossi.”
“I don’t want to become a crazy bastard who gets aroused by his son.”
“Ah, that’s not what I meant!”
Yuwon shouted and hit Jeonghyeok’s chest. After receiving a few punches like cotton swabs, Jeonghyeok chuckled and pulled Yuwon’s arm.
While embracing the small body that obediently burrowed into his arms, Jeonghyeok clearly realized what his feelings for Yuwon were.
Now he understood why he had wanted so desperately to keep him at home. The reason why he needed to know where he was, who he met, and what he was doing to feel at ease, and why he kept obsessing over the guy’s past—now he understood it all.
It was an ugly instinct he didn’t even know he had. It was a selfish desire to possess the person he wanted by any means necessary.
He had naively thought it was just a different kind of fun that came late in life, a relationship he could end when it turned to ash after burning moderately. It was an absurd delusion. To him, Kim Yuwon was no longer that kind of existence.
Jeonghyeok buried his lips in Yuwon’s nape. Holding onto the body that squirmed from ticklishness, he gritted his teeth and bit the tender flesh. While leaving a mark that wouldn’t fade for a long time, he felt a certain conviction.
I won’t be able to let you go. Even if someday you want to leave me, even if you beg me saying you want to stop now. We can never break up.
It was a truth he couldn’t bring himself to confess.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
