#039
From the beginning, he had lived a life where he never chose the second-best option over the best. It was natural since there had been no need to.
However, now Jiwoon was helplessly crumbling before his first-ever unrequited love. He couldn’t have Seo Yechan. So continuing to be with Yechan like this would only destroy him.
And the moment the endlessly dark night sky filled his vision again, Jiwoon made his decision. The countdown clock rang out across the world with a loud clang.
“……Yechan. After the Suneung ends, should we stop hanging out?”
Throb. At this sensation he’d never felt before in his life, Yechan blinked several times.
He was feeling disappointed. What kind of animal am I, really? Having such a thought unconsciously, Yechan soon tried to understand Jiwoon’s position. Jiwoon was walking while only looking up at the sky.
“Hyung, do you want to date someone?”
“Well.”
“Hmm…. Then is it because you’re having a hard time? Or have I been acting too recklessly lately?”
Jiwoon chuckled and shook his head. Somehow it felt halfhearted. Yechan pressed his hand against Jiwoon’s forehead.
“Hyung, I don’t think you’re fully recovered yet.”
“Yeah. It hurts.”
Jiwoon kept walking with his eyes downcast.
“You don’t have a fever though…. Maybe it’s because you’re tired since it’s nighttime. Let’s hurry.”
Jiwoon remained silent. Yechan fell into thought again. The kiss with Jiwoon had been quite good, so honestly, it was regrettable that it would end like this.
However, Yechan was satisfied enough just maintaining their close senior-junior relationship. As Yechan imagined watching movies and eating meals with Jiwoon, he opened his mouth.
“Alright. After the Suneung ends, let’s stop doing this kind of thing.”
At Yechan’s answer, delivered lightly as if it were nothing, Jiwoon bit his tongue. He had to forcefully swallow down whatever was rising up to his throat.
But no matter how much he swallowed, it was useless. In an instant, his vision became blurry. Every time his heart beat, his chest painfully constricted.
Jiwoon bit the inside of his mouth until it bled.
“……Yeah.”
“Even before then, if you don’t like it, tell me anytime. I’m only happy when hyung is happy.”
“Yeah.”
“Then after the Suneung ends……”
Yechan, who had been about to suggest they pick a day to go see a movie after the Suneung ended, flinched and turned his head. Then he suddenly turned Jiwoon’s shoulders around.
“Hyung, does it hurt a lot?”
With a flustered expression, Yechan brushed Jiwoon’s cheek with his thumb. His finger was wet.
Jiwoon, who had been absorbed only in the pain felt in his heart and solar plexus, finally realized he was crying. In his blurry vision, he could see Yechan’s pale face looking worried.
Jiwoon just closed his eyes. Tears streamed down his cheeks.
“Yeah. It hurts.”
“This won’t do. Let’s take a taxi. Do you want to go to the hospital?”
“No.”
“Then I’ll take you home. I think hyung needs to go rest quickly.”
After hailing a taxi and pushing Jiwoon inside, Yechan only turned his steps away after arriving at the front door of Jiwoon’s house.
And Jiwoon collapsed the moment the door closed.
“Huu……”
Sitting on the cold entrance floor, Jiwoon buried his head in his knees. The sobs he let out echoed softly in the cool air.
The grave he had dug for himself all this time was too deep. The pit he had filled with Yechan was now completely empty.
The pit sucked Jiwoon in, pitch black. Jiwoon cried out loud and struggled with all his might to escape from that empty place. Blood burst from various places scraped by the rough pit.
Only after a long while did Jiwoon stop crying, embracing those bloodstains and lying down in the tomb. Even that was something Yechan had given him.
The ticking of a clock could be heard from somewhere. Time continued to flow.
Wiping his face, Jiwoon got up and headed to his room. As Jiwoon lay on his bed and closed his eyes, Yechan’s pale face, which had been worrying about him, flickered in his dark vision.
Jiwoon fell asleep thinking about the things he could do for Yechan until the Suneung.
* * *
During the two weekends, Yechan and Jiwoon each spent their time separately. Jiwoon kept making excuses that he wasn’t feeling well, and Yechan was busy with academy intensive courses.
It was on his way home after finishing such an intensive course. Yewon, who ran into Yechan, grabbed his backpack saying she was hungry and wanted to go eat tteokbokki.
Rather than Yewon’s offer to treat him, he was drawn to the spicy tteokbokki. Yechan obediently headed to the snack bar.
“Wow, this is really tough. I’m only a second-year and it’s already like this. Then what will third year be like?”
Yewon said lamentingly while soothing her spicy mouth with a drink.
“I don’t think it’ll be much different from now.”
Yechan replied, putting tteokbokki in his mouth without changing his expression.
“Then we’re already third-years?”
“That’s not it. The pressure will be different.”
Yechan put another piece of tteokbokki in his mouth at the image of Jiwoon that flashed through his mind. Jiwoon, who had finished the September mock exam not long ago, had returned to how he was before getting sick.
The languid, light, and nonchalant Jiwoon. As Yechan recalled the image of Jiwoon who had only been leisurely, he chewed the rice cake while wondering if he could be the same way next year.
Yewon looked at such Yechan and said as if disgusted.
“Looking at you carefully, you’re not in your right mind either. Are you smiling while thinking about becoming a third-year?”
“Did I smile?”
“Yeah. Don’t you have a mirror? Then look at your phone at least.”
Yechan touched the corners of his mouth with his hand. As Yewon had said, the corners of his mouth were indeed raised, whether he had really smiled.
What is hyung doing? Yechan soon took out his phone and typed a message. Yewon was cursing about how spicy it was while continuously putting tteokbokki in her mouth.
Me: Hyung, did you eat?
Me: I’m eating tteokbokki.
Me: (Photo)
Yechan roughly took a photo and sent it to Jiwoon. The photo included Yewon’s top and hands.
Jiwoon stared at the message window for a while before turning off his phone screen. He thought the person eating with him was probably Cha Yewon. She was the only girl Yechan had been close with recently.
Jiwoon quietly moved his hands to solve math problems. Inside the tomb was quieter and more comfortable than Jiwoon had expected. Only the smell of blood would drift up from the burst wounds whenever the wind blew.
* * *
Before they knew it, the Suneung was approaching in two months. Jiwoon put his hand on Yechan’s shoulder, who said he wanted pasta, and headed to the restaurant in front of the back gate.
It was a time when it was getting gradually cooler, but the lunch sunlight was still dazzling. Yechan ordered the same vongole as Jiwoon.
“Is it delicious? I was curious.”
“Yes, it’s delicious.”
“Hmm……”
At Jiwoon’s answer, Yechan curved his lips with subtle eyes and avoided Jiwoon’s gaze. His ears were slightly red.
Jiwoon, who roughly guessed what Yechan was thinking about, chuckled.
“What are you going to do without me?”
“Right. I think I’ll be really bored after hyung graduates……”
Yechan spoke without changing his expression. Jiwoon, who had grown accustomed to enduring the pain, gulped down water.
Yechan refilled Jiwoon’s water glass.
“Hyung. If you get into Korea University, please show me around the campus.”
“We’ll see.”
Jiwoon gave an ambiguous answer.
Did I put too much pressure on him? Yechan’s gaze as he rested his chin on the table and looked at Jiwoon was affectionate. Jiwoon was absorbed in such eyes of Yechan’s and gradually washed away the scabs covering his insides.
The vongole was delicious. As Jiwoon walked leaning his body, relaxed from fullness, against Yechan, he suddenly asked.
“What about the intensive course on the weekend?”
“The content was good. Ah, I studied with Cha Yewon after it ended, you know? I really envy her math tutoring. I figured out some new problem-solving methods.”
The math solutions Yewon gave were always excellent. Not only were the grades good, but it was especially nice that it took less of Jiwoon’s study time. Yechan smiled with a satisfied face.
“Good job.”
Yechan no longer asked Jiwoon about math. Realizing that his position was replaceable, Jiwoon glanced away and captured the image of himself and Yechan reflected in the cafeteria glass.
His own face reflected in the window was blurry. Chuckling, Jiwoon slowly blinked and ruffled Yechan’s hair. The warmth of Yechan’s body temperature transmitted through their touching skin was warm.
Because it was still hot during the day, both were still wearing summer uniforms. Thinking about the spring/autumn uniforms they would wear only when October came, Jiwoon once again gauged the remaining time.
“Hyung, can I try it too?”
“What?”
At Jiwoon’s question, Yechan silently placed his hand on the back of Jiwoon’s head. His hot hand slightly shook his hair and then dropped.
Feeling somewhat disappointed, Jiwoon tilted his head and raised his gaze. Then he smoothly closed his eyes once and opened them to find Yechan staring at him intently.
“Do more.”
At Jiwoon’s words, Yechan raised his hand again. At the hand that was stroking the back of his head instead of shaking it among his hair, Jiwoon slightly closed his eyes.
“Hyung, you’re really like a tiger.”
“Yeah.”
It was something he had heard before. Should I roar for him or something? As Jiwoon was having such idle thoughts, Yechan continued.
“A baby tiger.”
“Baby?”
“Mmm…… a tiger cub?”
Yechan, who had raised the corners of his mouth, stroked Jiwoon’s head once more.
Jiwoon carefully filled the pit inside the tomb. The tomb that had become completely empty when Yechan disappeared was gradually filled with memories with Yechan.
The memories pushed Jiwoon up. Even though he was covered in blood now, with this he would eventually be able to escape from the shallowed tomb.
“They say we should start preparing for the festival soon.”
“Right.”
At the end of September, there was a festival. The festival held jointly by three nearby schools was a local attraction.
They even opened the school for a day, so that said it all. The festival, enjoyed by students and parents from the joint schools as well as local residents, always made the neighborhood buzz.
The subtle competition over the performances, booths, and events prepared by each school was another charm.
Of course, it wasn’t a story that applied to third-years. Still, Jiwoon was curious about Yechan’s festival.
“What are you guys doing?”
“A few people are doing a play. The rest of us are helping with preparations to some extent.”
“Lead actor Seo Yechan?”
“Not me. I have no talent for that kind of thing. I’m helping build the stage.”
Yechan’s hand, which had come down from his head, brushed Jiwoon’s fingertips.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
