It wasn’t simply that he wanted to play pretend lovers—he just wished they could feel at ease with each other. He didn’t want to continue living in this half-hearted, undefined state.
Cha Jae-woo would try to understand even if he turned his back on him someday. That, he hated. Now, Cha Jae-woo could believe that he would never betray him. He was confident in that.
“I lied.”
The moment he confessed, he pulled Cha Jae-woo even closer.
Cha Jae-woo stared at him with an unreadable expression. He didn’t want to guess what the other was feeling, but the tension Cha Jae-woo felt transmitted itself so vividly that he couldn’t help but grow even more anxious himself.
“I just wanted to stay with you a little longer.”
Maybe because they had just finished guiding, the desire to grow closer came rushing in even faster.
Kim Sol had once said that through guiding, where mana was exchanged, it was inevitable to feel closer to the other person—that it naturally made one see them more fondly.
The desire to feel closer was relative. The closer you got, the more insatiable the longing became. And since he had already tasted that warmth, he became desperate for it even faster.
He just wanted to hold him comfortably and spend more time together. He clenched his hand around Cha Jae-woo as if clinging. As Cha Jae-woo gradually began to calm down, he, on the other hand, grew increasingly impatient.
“I’ll come back tomorrow. As long as you’re not sick, it’s fine.”
As expected, it wasn’t a feeling he had imagined.
He knew Cha Jae-woo would say that. He could understand him. But understanding and frustration were two different things.
He made his desires clear. Because of that, Cha Jae-woo needed to look more closely at what he truly wanted—not to flee out of fear of causing the same wounds again.
“Are you going to leave?”
He asked, looking at him. Cha Jae-woo couldn’t bring himself to move.
“I want to stay with you. It’s not because of any side effects. It’s how I really feel.”
First rule: Be honest with his emotions. Don’t try to hide anything.
“Don’t you feel the same, Cha Jae-woo?”
Second rule: Make Cha Jae-woo express his feelings honestly, too.
“You don’t hate this, right? I’m not just getting ahead of myself here, right? I’m not going to let go of your hand. Unless you deliberately pull away and leave.”
Third rule: When in doubt, just go for it.
“It’s just… you’re getting swept up in the moment. It’s just the guiding again, another side effect. Haeyul, you’re… being used by me, leaning on that—”
“What are you even saying? Do I look like some idiot to you?”
He knew he’d acted like a fool. But when it came to emotions, he understood far better than Cha Jae-woo. He couldn’t dismiss these feelings as mere side effects. Even at the very moment he rejected the guiding, he had already liked Cha Jae-woo.
That was why he couldn’t guide him—because he didn’t want the person he loved to be cruel. Every action he took stemmed from his love for him. Because he wished Cha Jae-woo wasn’t such a bad person. Because even knowing he might be, he still wanted to deny it.
“If you don’t like it, push me away or knock me down. Do whatever you want.”
Fifth rule: If it seems impossible, just push forward.
Recalling the final rule, he abruptly rose and wrapped his arms around Cha Jae-woo’s neck. In that instant, Cha Jae-woo, pulled along, flinched and raised his eyebrows.
He was faithful, in his own way, to the carefully built rules. Perfectly, up to the fourth rule.
“I like you, Cha Jae-woo. It’s not a side effect. I just genuinely like you. I hope you don’t get hurt. I hope you’re happy. By my side.”
The rule wasn’t to never confess first, but to hold back as much as possible. He had held back plenty by now—enough that he could consider all the rules fully honored.
He couldn’t wait any longer. He liked Cha Jae-woo. He didn’t want to waste any more time scheming over how to win him over. He wanted to hear Cha Jae-woo’s feelings from his own mouth, right now.
Even if he didn’t put on an act, he could whine for him to stay longer, or someday ask him to spend the night, or maybe, one day, live together again like before. Whatever it was—as long as they could find comfort in each other.
Cha Jae-woo could easily push him away if he wanted to. But instead, he was helplessly pulled along.
He pressed his lips against Cha Jae-woo’s confused lips and squeezed his eyes shut. It was completely different from the last time they kissed, when Cha Jae-woo’s lips were dry and lifeless, as if he were on the verge of death. This time, the soft warmth of his lips made his heart race wildly.
‘It must be a delusion.’
Cha Jae-woo’s voice reached him as he thought that.
It was enough to shatter the moment, but because his voice was so subdued, he couldn’t even muster the anger to be upset.
He pressed his lips to his with a loud smack, then pulled away and glanced at him sideways. Cha Jae-woo neither backed away nor drew closer—he simply looked at him.
“It’s my feeling, so what makes you think you can call it a delusion, Cha Jae-woo?”
As he glared at him, Cha Jae-woo let out a short sigh, as if realizing that his thoughts had leaked out.
“I like you. No matter how many times I say it, it’s not some side effect. I like you.”
“……”
“Then why is it always me who confesses first? Is this a one-sided love or something?”
He didn’t want to give him time to think. That was why he deliberately tossed out the words with a slightly crooked smile, and Cha Jae-woo immediately shook his head.
“No.”
But then he promptly clamped his mouth shut. He still looked preoccupied, wrestling with whether this was right or wrong.
Cha Jae-woo didn’t seem to realize it. The very fact that he was hesitating to even start because he was worried about hurting him was proof that he would never again be the cause of his pain.
He leaned in again and kissed Cha Jae-woo. He could feel Cha Jae-woo’s roiling emotions without end, but he acted as if he noticed nothing, gazing only into his eyes.
“……Are you really dumping me like this? You’re really saying no to me?”
Despite the words coming out like a joke, his face looked dead serious, as if it was impossible for him to believe Cha Jae-woo would ever abandon him.
Cha Jae-woo let out a dry laugh—Ha. It was a very good sign.
“Looks like you really mean it. I didn’t expect this—”
“You know it’s not like that.”
The courage to continue speaking didn’t last. His words were cut off midway because Cha Jae-woo abruptly opened his mouth.
Cha Jae-woo’s stiffly frozen body finally began to loosen up a little. The moment he felt it, a smile slipped out on its own, the corners of his mouth lifting.
Still, it was too soon to call it a success. Cha Jae-woo had yet to actually voice his feelings.
“What is it you think I know?”
He deliberately feigned ignorance, but Cha Jae-woo just smiled without answering. Was he really not going to say it? That would be so unfair…
“I love you.”
“……”
“I’m the one who’s in love with you.”
Just as a grumpy thought began to rise, Cha Jae-woo whispered toward him.
“……”
He already knew. He had heard it countless times from Cha Jae-woo’s mind. But hearing it from his voice, directly and out loud, left him at a loss for words.
His breath caught, and his heart swelled painfully. Knowing without being told and having someone acknowledge it with words were two very different things. Maybe because it wasn’t just a verbal expression of feelings—it also conveyed the wish to share the same future.
“Then—”
“But not now.”
Yet the soaring emotion deflated in an instant. It happened the moment Cha Jae-woo shook his head, pushed his arms off, and pulled away.
He was so firm it made him question whether this was the same man who had just said he loved him.
“Think it over again.”
The words left him feeling parched inside. Think about what, exactly? He wanted to argue back immediately, but Cha Jae-woo’s next words left him speechless.
“Whether you’re truly okay with it. Whether you really didn’t just want a hug. If what I’m thinking is right.”
“……”
“Think about how I treated you in the end. About how much you cried back then. How much you suffered.”
Cha Jae-woo kept a calm demeanor, but the gloom in his voice betrayed the emotions underneath—emotions unbefitting someone who had just confessed.
Only then did a memory flash through his mind. The time at Cha Jae-woo’s house, when he was drying up day by day. When they had gone drinking with friends, and he had gotten so drunk he mistook Cha Jae-woo for Kim Geon-ung and babbled about needing to run away.
That time, Cha Jae-woo had dragged him straight to the bedroom. And then…
“……Rest.”
Seeing the clear evidence that he was recalling those events, Cha Jae-woo offered a short farewell.
