‘What am I supposed to do with you?’
In the meantime, Cha Jae-woo’s voice reached him. Since it was only that single line, Lim Haeyul was certain that whenever Cha Jae-woo guided him, he was diligently clearing his mind of all thoughts. Because of that, there wasn’t much he heard, but that alone was enough. Smiling faintly, he pressed his face against Cha Jae-woo’s chest and answered. After all, Cha Jae-woo couldn’t hear what he was thinking.
“Just love me.”
Like now. No—more than now. Enough to make him forget the scars of the past ever existed. It wasn’t some foolish hope. Cha Jae-woo could absolutely do it. The strong arms embracing him said so without words.
***
The notebook, whose title was written with such a grand flourish, was in truth rather meager, just as he had mentioned before. Flipping through the pages filled with his worries about what to do with Cha Jae-woo, Lim Haeyul let out a sigh. He had racked his brains trying to come up with rules to follow, but in the end, there were only five. Now, there was just one rule left that he hadn’t yet put into practice. He closed the notebook.
Though it was hardly a masterpiece, it hadn’t been completely useless. Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing. Especially when looking at the final rule—it made him laugh dryly without even meaning to.
Rule No. 5: If it feels like it’s not going to work, just push through.
It was clear he had written it out of sheer desperation. No matter how much he squeezed his brain for solutions, nothing else had come to mind, and he had struggled because of it. Back when he wrote it, he had been serious enough—but looking at it now, it was laughable.
Worse, it meant literally pushing through with his body. How absurd. Did he actually think he could overpower Cha Jae-woo?
Suddenly, his mood sank. He had made decent progress in closing the distance between himself and Cha Jae-woo. It was certain now that Cha Jae-woo loved him deeply, was desperate to keep him close, and Lim Haeyul had made it clear he didn’t dislike it.
They would eat dinner together, spend time together, then guide and part ways. Sometimes, they’d have lunch instead, or on occasion, miss meals altogether.
Regardless of when, there was always one constant. After guiding, they separated. Almost compulsively, Cha Jae-woo would either rush Lim Haeyul back home or return to his own place the moment guiding ended.
The problem was, when he had written that final rule, he had been thinking about after guiding was over. Since guiding required physical contact, he had thought—well, why not take the opportunity. Stay close while he could.
And that meant… progressing further than they had before. It carried the implication of moving beyond where they had been in the past.
Of course, since it was a bit embarrassing, he had considered taking it step-by-step. Whatever the case, he had decided it would be best to act after guiding. That way, it wouldn’t feel like they were making physical contact just for the sake of guiding.
Naturally, it would still have an effect. Because during guiding, they stayed close for a long time, and the subtle atmosphere, the undercurrent of anticipation—they always lingered right after.
At that moment, when their eyes met, Cha Jae-woo would always seem dazed, almost hazy. And Lim Haeyul didn’t think he was much different.
‘I want to stay a little longer.’
He always thought that. He didn’t want to let go of his hand. Or, nowadays, since they sometimes guided while hugging, he wanted to stay wrapped in his arms. Those kinds of thoughts.
That moment, he was sure, was when they wanted each other the most. And he believed that was the right opportunity. He had to act then.
But nothing ever went as planned. Right after guiding, just when the atmosphere was perfect, it always shattered to pieces—because of Cha Jae-woo.
If they guided at his own house, Cha Jae-woo would leave so fast that Lim Haeyul wouldn’t even get a word in. If they were at Cha Jae-woo’s house, he would personally call a driver to take him home and disappear.
Sure, he would come pick him up, but when it was time to leave, he would summon a driver—as if staying any longer would lead to disaster.
“Yeah, it must be that……”
Lim Haeyul recalled Cha Jae-woo’s unfocused gaze, his expression that looked as though losing his rationality wouldn’t have been strange at all.
No matter how he thought about it, Cha Jae-woo was holding back his desires.
He hadn’t realized it before, but Cha Jae-woo had far more self-control than he had expected. He had no intention of losing himself to the mood and doing something impulsive. Thus, if any skinship was to happen, it would have to be initiated by Lim Haeyul himself.
If he wanted to stay together a little longer after guiding— No, even aside from that, if he wanted to be with him.
Cha Jae-woo avoiding him was not helping them in becoming true lovers. Therefore, he had to make it so that Cha Jae-woo couldn’t run away. And to do that, there was no other way but to push through.
He didn’t know how Cha Jae-woo would react. But first, he had to charge in. And then, well…
‘What, would he knock me away by force or something?’
Normally, the proper order was to confess first, deepen the relationship, and then engage in physical affection—but between Cha Jae-woo and him, formalities weren’t necessary. If they kept climbing step-by-step like that, they would probably never see the summit. Their feelings were already obvious. Would it really be such a catastrophe if the sequence got a little mixed up?
He wasn’t the same as before, when he wanted to mark the day they officially became a couple. That sort of thing didn’t matter anymore. He just wanted to bring an end to this dragging relationship and stop facing situations where Cha Jae-woo would run off like he was fleeing from some impending disaster.
Such a complete coward. Lim Haeyul hadn’t seen him that way before, but really—he had far, far too much fear. Why did he keep thinking this isn’t allowed? Watching him struggle to hold himself back after every single guiding session was unbearably frustrating.
Sure, Cha Jae-woo had hurt him in the past. But hadn’t Lim Haeyul shown—more than enough—that he was fine now? Hadn’t he made it clear, through every word and gesture, that he wanted to get closer, that he liked him?
Wasn’t it about time for Cha Jae-woo to take a few steps forward too? Keeping his distance even after understanding all that—what a petty, underhanded move.
Honestly, Cha Jae-woo was hopelessly immature when it came to relationships. At this rate, if Lim Haeyul ever suddenly decided he liked someone else instead, Cha Jae-woo would probably just nod and say, okay, without even fighting for him.
“……”
Ugh. Just thinking about it gave him goosebumps. Before, he had been so focused on his own feelings that it drove Haeyul mad— Now, he was so preoccupied with Haeyul’s feelings that it made him want to scream.
Why was there no middle ground with this man? He had to find it, no matter what.
He had really named the notebook subtitle perfectly. It was time—Cha Jae-woo, this broken mess, seriously needed fixing.
***
Lim Haeyul wasn’t particularly smart. Not that he was stupid, just… well, he wasn’t the type to be good at scheming. When it came to planning something, he couldn’t come up with clever methods. In short, even though he had racked his brain trying to think of ways to keep Cha Jae-woo from sending him home immediately after guiding, he couldn’t come up with anything worthwhile.
He had tried just bluntly insisting, I want to stay longer. In response, Cha Jae-woo had simply said, then have fun, and vanished. It had been absolutely absurd.
When Haeyul grabbed onto him without warning, Cha Jae-woo had looked truly flustered. Although he no longer watched him nervously like he had at first, there was still a slight hint of wariness. Sometimes, when Haeyul’s affection got a little too intense, Cha Jae-woo would even start worrying— Was it another side effect resurfacing? It must have been because Haeyul’s past outbursts had originally started from side effects.
Thanks to all that, Haeyul had to think more carefully.
‘How could he get Cha Jae-woo to stay with him naturally, even after guiding ended?’
The key was making it feel natural.
“…It’s over.”
How had something so simple driven him to this point? It felt like his brain was going to explode. Yet, no brilliant ideas surfaced.
While still struggling with that, he ended up welcoming Cha Jae-woo in again. Today, Cha Jae-woo had come over to his house.
Having grabbed dinner with some classmates, he had come home a bit later than usual, and they had immediately started guiding. Because of that, the time they had was even shorter—and the lingering sense of regret even stronger.
Every day already felt too short. To guide and then just send him off again— He wanted to spend more time together, even if it was just hanging around doing nothing. But today too, Cha Jae-woo looked ready to head straight home the moment guiding ended, and it was suffocating.
He had delayed and delayed, unable to think of any good plan—and now several days had passed like this. At this rate, he might still be stuck like this even after a lifetime.
