#50
Perhaps due to the feeling evoked by the word ‘discard,’ an image of the person I was thinking about abandoning me formed in my mind. But I knew that this was just a simple image, and the meaning hidden behind it was different.
I bit my lip with a gloomy face. Suddenly, anxiety began to spread. And that anxiety naturally connected to the question that had been tormenting me all weekend.
What kind of relationship did Saheon hyung and I have?
“No. Hey. What… are you saying?”
Choi Hyun-oh muttered in a clearly flustered voice, waving his hands, but I was distracted by something else.
Contrary to my expectation that things would be awkward with hyung after my confession at seventeen, we were able to return to how we were before. As close neighbors, hyung and dongsaeng. As someone no different from a real younger brother he had known since childhood, a cherished dongsaeng.
However, while I was hesitating, something different wedged its way into our relationship. It was actions that went far beyond what close siblings would do.
It wasn’t that it was bad. Even though it was overwhelming to keep up, I liked everything I did with hyung. I liked it when he stroked my hair calling me pretty, I liked it when he kissed me tenderly. Even though it was difficult, I also liked the inexplicable enormous sense of fulfillment that followed after being intimate with hyung.
I liked Saheon hyung so much that I was willing to ignore all my philosophies about dating. But the phrase “giving your all and then being discarded” that wormed its way into the small gap of the question that had been confusing me was certainly ill-timed.
“You know…”
“Hey, Lee Cheongmyeong. Don’t say weird things. Yoo Do-jin, aren’t you going back? Shoo!”
Choi Hyun-oh raised his fist with a threatening sound. Yoo Do-jin hyung, who had hidden behind me, showed a playful grin. As soon as his annoying breath brushed my ear, Hyun-oh roughly grabbed my arm.
“See you later!”
Yoo Do-jin hyung waved his hand broadly in farewell. Instead of answering, Hyun-oh raised his middle finger. I, who had been tightly gripping the wide strap of my bag, was dragged along as Hyun-oh led the way.
“Why is he coming all the way here to make a fuss in the morning?”
Hyun-oh grumbled continuously as he climbed the stairs after entering Cheolmae Hall. I was almost escorted by Hyun-oh. Still tightly gripping the rough cloth of the bag strap, I also pressed my lips tightly.
Once a train of thought started, it showed no signs of stopping. I tried hard to organize my thoughts, but it wasn’t a very successful attempt.
“You… why does your face look like that?”
Hyun-oh, who had been complaining about Yoo Do-jin hyung all the way up the stairs, asked with a serious face. I answered, lifting the corners of my mouth slightly.
“It’s nothing.”
“Is it because of what Yoo Do-jin said earlier?”
It was true, but I quietly shook my head. Hyun-oh’s expression, which had been somewhat anxious, relaxed a bit. It seemed close to a feeling of relief.
After looking at me for a moment, Hyun-oh shrugged lightly and opened the classroom door. I saw the now completely familiar faces of my classmates. As I looked around for empty seats, my gaze caught Min Iseo.
Once again, the earlier situation naturally came to mind. It seemed that Hyun-oh’s romantic front with Min Iseo wasn’t going smoothly, and he had received worried teasing not to be used and discarded.
I pressed my lips even tighter. As I sat down following Hyun-oh, I took out my major textbook and pencil case almost habitually, but my mind had already flown elsewhere.
I couldn’t easily shake off the phrase that typically means “taking one’s own benefit and then discarding.” If it wasn’t about me, there would be no reason to care this much. Even though I tried to ignore it, it was an undeniable fact that I was projecting my situation onto those words.
Texting, kissing, sleeping in the same bed. I was doing things that normal couples do with Saheon hyung, but hyung had never once uttered a word to define our relationship.
Moreover, if a friend was giving advice about a relationship, it meant that it wasn’t a common occurrence.
I imagined two hypothetical people in place of Saheon hyung and myself. Two close friends who one day start living together and develop into a sexual relationship. But there’s still no talk of dating.
I unconsciously covered my gaping mouth with my hand. There couldn’t be a worse trash than that.
I was stunned as I realized that Saheon hyung, whom I had known for over twenty years, was an irredeemable piece of garbage. All romantic relationships should start with the intention of taking responsibility through marriage, yet I couldn’t believe hyung who had devoured me before even defining our relationship.
Would he have casual sex with just anyone? Even if they weren’t dating, just as he pleased? My thoughts, spiraling more intensely, were heading towards the conclusion that Saheon hyung was promiscuous and unchaste.
Was the kind, gentle, and good hyung I had known until now non-existent? To cover my mouth that was opening wider in shock, I had to use my other hand as well.
“What’s wrong?”
Hyun-oh’s voice came from beside me. Still unable to escape from the shock, I just slowly shook my head, then changed my mind. As my head shake of denial stopped, Hyun-oh’s face became even more perplexed.
“…Ah, it’s just… a bit…”
“What is it?”
Hyun-oh asked, leaning closer to me. His eyes sparkled with curiosity as he almost whispered. After being momentarily distracted by his bleached light hair, I hesitated for a moment before mumbling.
Even though I had realized that Saheon hyung was trash, was it okay to talk about it freely with a friend? And I was the one who had fooled around with that trash because I liked him. Suddenly, embarrassment washed over me. I had been so blinded by my exception for Saheon hyung whom I liked so much. After fumbling with my lips a few times, I carefully opened my mouth.
“…It’s just about someone I know…”
But my concern that I was about to share was scattered as the professor entered the classroom. Hyun-oh, who had raised his eyebrows, whispered quietly enough for only my ears to hear.
“Let’s have a drink after class ends.”
***
Needless to say, I couldn’t concentrate throughout the class. I just stared blankly ahead like someone who had lost their mind.
The monotonous French pronunciation that sounded like an alien language was enough to push me into a world of fantasy. In my mind, now free from distractions, questions kept chaining one after another.
What kind of relationship did hyung and I have? Did hyung do this with his ex-girlfriends too? Had Saheon hyung ever dated anyone?
He had. Quite a few. But I hadn’t seen it directly. Saheon hyung had never introduced me to anyone he was dating.
When I was young, there were many things I saw but didn’t understand, but it wasn’t that I couldn’t guess. It would be more accurate to say that I felt something was strange, but didn’t know exactly what it was.
But as I grew older, I naturally developed the ability to infer situations even without seeing them. For example, things like this:
Hyung, who used to return before the last train even when drinking with friends, coming home well past 3 AM, or suddenly disappearing in the middle of having fun to make a phone call, or pretending not to while reading a text message and smiling slightly, or bringing gifts on certain days, or the watch he used to wear quite often suddenly disappearing one day.
These were very trivial points that would be hard to notice if you weren’t interested in the person, but the problem was that my interest in Saheon hyung was greater than anyone else’s.
However, all of this was just my speculation. In all my life, except for the time I accidentally met hyung’s girlfriend due to my mistake, I had never once seen anyone that Saheon hyung introduced as his partner.
What could be more heartbreaking than knowing your crush has a lover? I, who had only liked one person my entire life, always lived with anxiety in the center of my heart, but I used to comfort myself with the self-rationalization that “hyung hadn’t directly said he had a girlfriend.”
This rationalization that had continued since childhood became a kind of habit, and the habit allowed me to ignore the facts to some extent.
I couldn’t deny that this habit had been the foundation that allowed me to get along well with hyung until the accident that occurred in the winter between my sixteenth and seventeenth year.
However, this was also a story from before I knew about being intimate with Saheon hyung.
The thought “Why had hyung never introduced me to his girlfriend? I was just a close neighbor’s younger brother” suddenly, unexpectedly, uncontrollably spread to an unknown assumption that led me to a certain conclusion.
What if the people I had thought were hyung’s girlfriends weren’t actually in the category of people who could be called girlfriends?
There was only one answer. And naturally, the answer seemed to overlap with my situation.
“…myeong. Cheongmyeong.”
A rough hand shook my shoulder. I, who had been lost in thought staring ahead, startled and looked at the owner of the hand. It was Choi Hyun-oh.
“Class is over.”
“Huh? Oh…”
“Are you okay? You don’t look well.”
Still immersed in my thoughts, I missed the timing to answer. Seeing my lips stiffen, Hyun-oh patted my shoulder area and continued speaking.
“Are you very sick? It might be better to just go home and rest today.”
“I’m fine though…”
“Listen to hyung. Go home and rest.”
As Hyun-oh was quite adamant, I nodded. In truth, I was already too preoccupied with thoughts of Saheon hyung to insist I was fine.
I drove Hyun-oh back just like when we came to school. My expression reflected in the rearview mirror didn’t look good even to myself. After dropping Hyun-oh off at the station near his house, it was already dark by the time I arrived home.
After perfectly executing a reverse park, I locked the car door with a bitter expression. Suddenly, a deep sigh escaped. I stared at the car dejectedly before staggering towards the house.
The house was dark without Saheon hyung having returned. As I turned on the lights one by one, gradually bringing in human warmth, I headed to the refrigerator. My throat had been dry since I was driving. As I opened the fridge to drink some water, I discovered beer on the top shelf.
As I quietly stared at the beer, my hand naturally reached out towards the cold can.
Let’s just drink one can. I thought if I drank one can and fell asleep before Saheon hyung came back, I might be able to shake off this miserable feeling a bit. Standing in front of the refrigerator, I opened the beer at the very front. A clear hissing sound echoed.
As I gulped down the golden liquid, I frowned at the powerful sensation hitting my throat. I must have been quite thirsty, as I drank it quickly and the can already felt lighter.
As I closed the refrigerator door, I decided to drink just two cans. I went to the living room sofa and sipped the remaining beer while taking out my phone to check if there were any messages.
The message window was empty. I knew it was because hyung was working, but to me who had been thinking about hyung all through class, it approached as another anxiety.
To suppress my strangely fluctuating feelings, I drank beer whenever my throat felt dry. I thought I was just sipping a little, but before I knew it, one can was empty and I went to get another.
The soles of my feet felt soft. Finding it somehow funny, I giggled and sat down on the floor by the sofa. My bottom felt soft too. It seemed clear that some cushions had been placed on the floor.
When did I put cushions down? That seemed funny too. As I took a sip of the cold beer I had just opened, I squinted my eyes at the sound of someone entering the passcode.
The familiar four-digit password was pressed, and the faint sound of suitcase wheels rolling came through. It seemed Saheon hyung had returned. I wanted to go to the entrance to greet him, but at the same time, I didn’t want to move.
“Cheongmyeong.”
The sound of footsteps calling my name grew closer. I took another sip, waiting for hyung to approach. Hyung, carrying the smell of the outside air, finally appeared.
“Were you here?”
You’re back, trash! I tried to say “Saheon hyung,” but due to my sluggish tongue, I couldn’t form a proper sentence.
“Saheon… Ah!”
