#58
The kitchen, where five people gathered – my parents, Saheon hyung, auntie, and me – was small but bustling. In our house, it had been an unwritten tradition since I was young that the men did all the work when grilling meat.
Usually, father would grill the meat, and I was responsible for washing the vegetables for wrapping. Once I was old enough to use fire, I would also make soybean paste stew and simple side dishes using chives and green onions.
While mother and auntie laughed and chatted, father took out the grill for cooking meat and connected it to the outlet. Even though I had been bewitched like a fox, my body moved from memory, and before I knew it, I was washing chives at the sink.
The water filling the basin was cold. As I poured cold water over the green leaves, I had to suppress the desire to splash it on my cheeks as well.
As father and I naturally moved according to the role division we had grown up with, Saheon hyung also seemed to feel obligated to do something. I sensed a presence behind me, and then a large hand gently wrapped around my waist.
I unconsciously took a deep breath. The sharp intake of breath surprised even myself. I quickly turned around like a child caught doing something wrong, and after confirming that fortunately no one was focusing their attention here, I glared at hyung with sharp eyes.
“Is there anything I can do?”
Saheon hyung asked nonchalantly. I moved one step away from hyung. However, hyung approached two steps closer with a broad smile. Pushed to the edge of the sink, I glanced at my parents and instructed in a small voice.
“Take out the kimchi from the refrigerator.”
“Alright.”
The hand that left my waist lightly brushed my bottom. I flinched my shoulders and watched hyung’s back, but I couldn’t be sure if it was intentional or accidental.
Hyung began rummaging through the refrigerator, bending his tall frame. Seeing hyung wearing my clothes made me feel strange. I had given him large clothes because he was a span taller than me, but once he put them on, they looked a bit awkward.
The top was a short-sleeved shirt I had bought in a large size when I suddenly grew taller in high school, expecting to grow more, but ended up not wearing because I didn’t grow as much as expected. The bottom was sleep pants that were short in length, exposing his ankles.
It was an outfit that didn’t match in terms of season or length. The corners of my mouth turned up slightly, making my previous worries about hyung being a sexual deviant seem foolish.
It wasn’t exactly funny. It was more like a smile that was hard to suppress, similar to when tickled in the side. I quickly forced strength into the corners of my mouth and took the chives, now frozen from the cold water, out onto the cutting board.
I cut the crisp chives into bite-sized pieces. Every time the knife touched the cutting board, there was a regular thumping sound. Saheon hyung, who had closed the refrigerator door, approached me again holding the kimchi container.
Thinking he might wrap his arms around my waist again with my parents behind us, I quickly continued chopping with my elbows tightly pressed to my sides. However, arms weren’t the only things that could be wrapped around.
Saheon hyung casually put his arm around my shoulders. The way he affectionately clung to me, fiddling with my arm, seemed too intimate for just a neighbor and younger brother relationship.
“I brought it, honey.”
I heard a small, whispering voice. The way he drawled out the end of his words as if trying to be cute, plus the term of endearment he had never used before, nearly made me cut my own finger with the knife.
“Aaagh!”
Surprised by hyung’s words and my near self-inflicted injury, I let out a loud scream. This time, everyone’s attention focused on us. Embarrassed and flustered at being in hyung’s embrace, I pushed him away and stammered.
“My hand, hand… I was surprised… I almost cut it…”
“Kwon Saheon, stop fooling around and come here.”
Auntie called hyung with a stern voice. Saheon hyung pretended not to hear, softly whistling as he stroked my wrist holding the knife. Hyung’s fingertips came down to the hollow part on the back of my hand, gently caressing it. I could feel my face getting hot and red. Even with everyone’s eyes on our backs, Saheon hyung whispered with his lips almost touching my cheek.
“That won’t do. Should I do it?”
I shuddered and turned my body towards Saheon hyung. I hadn’t meant to point, but in my surprise, I raised my hand, and somehow it ended up looking like I was threatening him with the knife.
My parents at the table burst into laughter. They looked intrigued, as if watching an interesting show. I sheepishly put the knife down on the cutting board. Father, who had been waiting for the electric grill to heat up, placed the pork belly on the grill and said,
“That’s right, Captain Kwon is a guest. Come and sit down.”
“But Cheongmyeong needs help.”
“…Just go…”
I mumbled in a barely audible voice. Saheon hyung seemed to have heard me despite the delicious sizzling sound of the meat cooking. Hyung lowered his head slightly to meet my eyes.
“We’re supposed to do it together, you know.”
Today, hyung’s consideration felt burdensome. I glanced towards where the adults were sitting. Perhaps because of the scream I had let out earlier, their interest still hadn’t faded.
“I can do it alone…”
I mumbled in a small voice, fidgeting. The lingering sensation of feeling bewitched by a fox lasted quite a while. Before I could think more deeply about the concerns that had brought me back home, hyung kept flirting, leaving no room for my mind to wander elsewhere.
“Really?”
Saheon hyung drawled, lowering his eyebrows in an inverted V shape. He looked utterly pitiful, but in my mind, one scene overlapped with this. It was one of the scenes that appeared quite often when I watched morning dramas with my father during school breaks.
It was when the husband, oblivious to the atmosphere, would help or show affection without restraint in front of his mother-in-law who lived with them, leaving the daughter-in-law at a loss.
Back then, I thought it would be good for everyone if he helped, but now it didn’t seem so. Saheon hyung looked at me as if he didn’t understand anything, even though I had refused to this extent.
Parents, husband, daughter-in-law, drama, Saheon hyung, this scene and that scene mixed in my head, making it feel like it might explode. Finally, with a reddened face, I firmly pushed Saheon hyung’s back.
As I transferred the bite-sized cut chives into a bowl and poured seasoning sauce from the cupboard, it wasn’t until I was sprinkling red pepper powder that I could look at Saheon hyung almost glaring. Hyung was scooping rice from the rice cooker and distributing it.
A thought suddenly crossed my mind. Is he doing this on purpose? I looked at Saheon hyung with suspicious eyes, then shook my head and mixed the chive salad.
Even to myself, it seemed like an excessive speculation. However, ambiguous situations continued even after that.
Saheon hyung acted as if he was determined not to give me even a moment to think about him. Using the excuse that we were short one chair for the four-person table, he suggested I sit on his lap – we brought a chair from my desk – or he kept putting well-cooked meat on my spoon, or tried to feed me wrapped ssam, or even tried to wipe my mouth himself, saying I had something on it.
Every time hyung did something strange, I found myself looking around more. My face naturally fell into a frown as attention focused on actions that seemed more suited for lovers.
Why was hyung suddenly acting like this? With a feeling of eating under scrutiny, I reluctantly accepted the ssam hyung had wrapped for me.
“Is it delicious?”
With my mouth already full of the large ssam, I couldn’t answer. Hyung, as if not noticing my sharp gaze, even lightly stroked the back of my head. Auntie muttered,
“What a mess, what a mess…”
My face heated up with embarrassment. I chewed the large ssam aggressively.
Even if they were insignificant actions to Saheon hyung, I started attaching meaning to each and every one of his behaviors. I had clearly said I needed time to think, but hyung, who wasn’t even letting me think, made me wonder if he was afraid that I would realize the truth and no longer have sex with him – such extreme thoughts crossed my mind.
My thoughts, having once taken a negative turn, kept falling deeper into an abyss. The soft white rice and flavorful meat felt like rubber.
Making a sullen face and mechanically chewing, I finally put down my chopsticks, feeling like I might get indigestion. The bloated feeling in my stomach made me think I might really be sick.
Saheon hyung’s strange attitude reached its peak only after the uncomfortable dinner ended. After roughly helping to clear the table together, auntie buttoned up her coat, creating an atmosphere as if she was about to leave.
“Thank you for the meal. It’s so nice to see Cheongmyeong after a long time.”
“No, we’re glad to see Saheon after a long time too.”
“Cheongmyeong said he’s staying overnight, are you staying too, Saheon?”
“Yes.”
Saheon hyung answered as if it was obvious to mother’s question. When he gave an affirmative answer, auntie lightly gestured to hyung.
“You’re staying over? I put away the winter blankets, I’ll have to take them out again.”
“I’ll be sleeping here.”
Saheon hyung announced boldly. Auntie looked at her second son as if she couldn’t believe it. Hyung placed his hand on my fidgeting shoulder and continued.
“You know I can’t sleep without a bed, mom.”
I recalled that about two years ago, auntie had disposed of Chaehun hyung and Saheon hyung’s beds. At the time, uncle was planning to return to farming after retirement.
Auntie had disposed of most of the furniture belonging to Chaehun hyung and Saheon hyung, who had been living out for quite some time, but as uncle’s farming plans fizzled out, the brothers’ rooms were being used as storage.
“Since when?”
Auntie asked, sounding dumbfounded. Saheon hyung pretended not to hear again. Mother was the one who sorted out the situation.
“Alright, stay over. It might be uncomfortable since we’ve cleared out everything, so just sleep here and drop by tomorrow morning on your way out, wouldn’t that work?”
“But still, he’s come after so long…”
“Then should the three of us – mother, father, and I – lie down on the bed and have a cozy sleep after so long? Oh, did I mention I developed a habit of sleeping naked after I started living alone?”
I opened my eyes wide, hearing for the first time that hyung had such a habit. Auntie cried out in a shrill voice, as if disgusted.
“Do as you please. Do as you please. Oh my, I don’t know anymore.”
Shaking her head, auntie left without looking back. Until the door closed, I could repeatedly hear her saying, “This is why raising sons is all for nothing.” Mother asked with an awkward smile.
“Should I take out another blanket for you, Saheon?”
“Mm, no. I think it’ll be fine. Ah, I’m tired.”
Hyung blinked his eyes drowsily and tightened his grip on my shoulder. I watched hyung’s actions, frozen stiff.
“Cheongmyeong. Can you get me a toothbrush?”
“Huh? Oh, okay…”
I answered almost reflexively, then belatedly realized that I was supposed to be thinking coolly. But hyung was already leading me to the bathroom.
Thanks to the identical layout, hyung opened the bathroom door without hesitation. Wedged at his side, I arrived at the bathroom and watched as hyung opened the shelf and took out a toothbrush as if familiar with it.
“I’ll use one.”
I stared blankly, wondering how hyung knew exactly where things were in our house. Hyung started brushing his teeth nonchalantly. I, who had been just watching, also began brushing my teeth obediently, as if entranced.
Suddenly, the thought struck me that this moment of standing side by side brushing our teeth felt like we were newlyweds. My cheeks flushed at my vivid imagination. Even when I tried to shake it off, the word clung persistently, like something that might require an addiction test.
In the end, I finished brushing quickly. It felt like my mind was refusing to think coolly about Saheon hyung even when I tried. I quickly escaped from hyung.
“Are you going to sleep already?”
I nodded aggressively and retreated to my room. However, I soon realized that even if I ran away, there was only one place for hyung to return to. The sound of Saheon hyung’s leisurely footsteps, undoubtedly his, grew closer from outside the room.
I quickly flopped onto the bed as if it were an air-raid shelter. The familiar touch of the blanket I hadn’t felt in a long time was comforting. But no matter how much I tried to hide in the corner, hyung could enter my room without any hindrance.
Hyung, who could pull off wearing a short-sleeved shirt on top and sleep pants that exposed his ankles below, slowly closed the door. I glanced at hyung from the corner of my eye, then buried my face in the pillow again. With a low chuckle and approaching presence, soon one side of the bed sank deeply.
“You changed the bed?”
Instead of answering, I nodded almost imperceptibly. After hyung left for America, I suddenly had a growth spurt and had no choice but to change the bed.
The bed that fit my grown height was only available in king size, and it was more than enough for two people to sleep in. Hyung took another pillow that was added behind the one I was lying face down on.
I heard a light patting sound, then a mumbling voice as if he had suddenly remembered something.
“Gotta turn off the light.”
The bed that had sunk deeply tilted more to one side, then returned to normal. It was just a few steps from my bed to the light switch.
With a click, the light went out. The darkened vision made other senses more acute. The sound of fabric brushing against Saheon hyung’s legs as he walked, hyung’s scent, the weight of him sitting on the bed with a soft exhale, even the feeling of the blanket being pulled up.
Saheon hyung took a languid breath in and out. I felt him turning towards me, as if shifting a little. Hyung’s large hand lightly shook my back.
“Are you already asleep?”
My breathing naturally came out in small gasps due to having my face buried in the pillow. Hyung, who obviously knew I wasn’t asleep, changed from shaking to patting my back.
“Have you thought about it?”
It was hyung who kept doing things that caught my attention without giving me time to think. I turned my head away abruptly. Hyung, who had let out a small chuckle, hugged me from behind. One of hyung’s legs wedged between mine, completely restraining me.
It was as if he was saying there was nowhere left for me to escape. Hyung’s entangled hand lightly invaded under my top. I flinched. However, hyung only gently caressed my lower abdomen.
“This feels like we’re secretly doing it at your parents’ house.”
The husky voice by my ear sent chills down my spine. Hyung might actually do it. Startled, I moved my body suddenly. Hyung, not missing that moment, laughed a bit more deeply and pulled me towards himself.
My forehead touched hyung’s chest. We were so close that I couldn’t distinguish whose heartbeat was pounding so strongly.
“If we lie like this, even if auntie opens the door, she won’t catch us kissing. Right?”
Saheon hyung completely enveloped me with his arms, embracing me. I ended up being held in his arms just like that.
