90.
#Self-loathing
Even though Hayun’s car was more spacious than others, it was still not enough to accommodate their intense movements. Dawoon’s body gradually shifted upwards, causing his head to hit the door. However, the pressure and pleasure he felt from below made him unable to notice the pain.
“Jeong Dawoon.”
A low, growling voice called his name. When Dawoon half-opened his eyes to look up at him, Hayun grabbed one of his arms and pulled him. With that force, Dawoon’s upper body lifted slightly, and their lips crashed together. Dawoon thought it was almost fortunate that both his rapid breaths and moans were swallowed by Hayun.
Dawoon lifted his free arm and wrapped it around Hayun’s neck. This brought them even closer together.
“Hurry…”
When Dawoon urged him near his ear, Hayun swallowed a short moan. At the same time, his thrusts became more intense. It would be obvious from the outside that the car was shaking. However, Dawoon cared less and less about such things. His mind was tingling, and he couldn’t think of anything. He just wanted it to be over quickly, somehow.
Hayun thrust deeply into him, as if pressing down, and then exhaled sharply. At the same time, Dawoon twisted his waist, shuddering. Hayun reached down and firmly grasped Dawoon’s member. His head, which was already throbbing, now felt like it was about to burst. He felt blood rushing downwards, and then, with a few pulses, an opaque liquid spurted out, wetting Hayun’s hand.
Haa, haa. Hot breaths poured from between his heated lips. When he relaxed his body, his thighs trembled. Hayun also took rough breaths before leaning his body on top of Dawoon. Already drained, Dawoon found Hayun’s weight on top of him burdensome.
“You’re heavy…”
When Dawoon mumbled in a weak voice, Hayun chuckled and pulled away. As Hayun’s member slipped out from below, Dawoon frowned at the feeling of something trickling out. He was annoyed that Hayun had finished inside without using a condom, but he didn’t have the strength to move and clean up. Perhaps because he had been more tense than usual due to doing such things in the car, he truly couldn’t move a finger.
Seeming to understand Dawoon’s condition, Hayun took out a handkerchief and wiped him clean below. At first, Dawoon had been embarrassed and hated when Hayun cleaned him like this, but now he just accepted it. He decided not to argue unnecessarily about various things, since Hayun would only back off after doing everything he wanted anyway. Leaving him be meant it would end a little sooner.
This won’t last much longer either.
Dawoon thought, covering his eyes with one hand. Once he went abroad as his grandfather wished, Hayun wouldn’t be able to do anything anymore. So, just until then…
“Want me to help you dress?”
Hayun asked playfully with a smile. Dawoon sighed and struggled to sit up. Even though Hayun had wiped him with a handkerchief, he still felt uncomfortable. He felt like he needed to shower as soon as they got home.
As he picked up his clothes from the floor and started to dress, he noticed Hayun’s shirt. Although it wasn’t very noticeable on the white shirt, he could see that it was stained with what was clearly his own white fluid.
What had they done to that expensive shirt? They weren’t animals in heat, yet they couldn’t even wait until they got home and did this in the car… He felt self-loathing, thinking about how ridiculous their actions were.
When Dawoon frowned while staring at the shirt, Hayun followed his gaze to see what he was looking at, then smiled faintly and reached out to pat Dawoon’s head. It meant that it wasn’t a big deal and there was no need to worry about it.
The shirt could be replaced, and Hayun was the type who wouldn’t even care if he threw away a shirt. Even knowing this, Dawoon still felt uncomfortable. The traces on Hayun’s clothes felt like evidence of his own ‘sin’, making his heart sting.
“Ugh.”
Suddenly, he felt nauseous. He covered his mouth with one hand, but the urge to vomit didn’t stop. Hayun rubbed his back, but Dawoon felt like he would only feel better after throwing up. He hastily opened the car door and got out, quickly walking towards the sign indicating a restroom. All the while, he continued to feel queasy, as if everything inside him was about to spill out.
Entering the bathroom, he grabbed onto the toilet bowl and threw up the champagne he had drunk at the charity event. If there was any silver lining, it was that he hadn’t eaten much, so there wasn’t a lot to come out. Still, after retching for a while, he felt miserable, as if not only his chest but also his head was being squeezed.
Even after throwing up until there was nothing left to come out, he remained sitting on the floor, unable to move. Only after slowly regulating his breathing did the splitting headache begin to subside.
Terrible.
He smiled bitterly at the single word that filled his mind. The terrible one wasn’t Hayun. It was himself. Was this really the only way? In the end, wasn’t it him who had been accepting Hayun with various excuses?
With his own brother, of all people… Who would dare to imagine such a thing? How monstrous must he have seemed to his grandfather when he found out?
He closed his eyes at the flood of self-loathing that followed. His eyes felt hot as if tears were about to pour out, but he clenched his teeth and held them back. He felt he didn’t even deserve to cry.
Staggering to his feet, he went to the sink to rinse his mouth. As he looked at his reflection in the mirror, he flinched. Hayun was looking at him through the mirror. He hadn’t even noticed when Hayun had come to stand there.
As their eyes met through the mirror, Hayun approached Dawoon. He turned Dawoon around and pulled him to his chest, placing a hand on the back of his head. Dawoon obediently allowed himself to be pulled, resting his forehead on Hayun’s shoulder and standing still as Hayun gently stroked his head.
Ironically, that touch felt as warm as it had when they were young. And that made it even more terrible. It was still him who couldn’t push Jeong Hayun away. So he couldn’t even blame Hayun for being bad. The bad one was himself, who even in this situation, felt empty at the thought of running away to a foreign country and leaving Hayun behind.
***
Choi Seon-gyeom, who had come up to the hotel room, took off the jacket he was wearing and hung it on a chair before going to stand by the window. Looking down outside, he saw a flood of lights illuminating the darkness. It seemed both very different and yet still the same as it had been 20 years ago.
He had left Korea because he disliked this complexity, but coming back after a long time made him feel nostalgic. Perhaps because champagne was also alcohol, he felt like he was becoming unnecessarily sentimental.
‘What I want is really simple. To meet someone I love, have children, and build a happy family.’
The wish of the woman he had loved wasn’t extraordinary. Nevertheless, he hadn’t been able to fulfill that wish for her.
‘When I look at you, I feel anxious because I don’t know when you’ll leave. I wish we could live more stably. Ordinary and routine, like others. Am I asking for too much?’
At some point, she had started to dislike everything about Choi Seon-gyeom’s lifestyle. She was anxious, saying he was like the wind, always slipping through her fingers and unable to be grasped. Although he loved her, he couldn’t do anything about that anxiety.
Thinking back, he was young then too, and being young, he was selfish. All of her words felt like constraints, which made him rebel even more. In the end, their naive first love didn’t end well. She bid farewell with tears streaming down her face, and Choi Seon-gyeom left Korea, realizing that a stable family was something that could never exist for him from the beginning.
If he could turn back time, would he have made a different choice? He still wasn’t confident. He had already lived his entire life going where his heart led him. There was no way that lifestyle could change now.
“So I’m still alone.”
Choi Seon-gyeom spoke self-deprecatingly and smiled bitterly, then lightly shook his head to clear his thoughts. He didn’t know why he had been thinking about her so often lately.
‘Did you hear the news? She became a second wife. They say she even had a child with that man.’
The acquaintance who had last relayed news about her had criticized her.
Haedo Group. It was a name everyone knew, but one that should have been irrelevant to him for his entire life. If her news hadn’t included that name, it would have been a name he wouldn’t have cared about. No, it was still a place that had nothing to do with him.
It was surprising that the woman who had wanted a simple family had chosen the heir of Haedo Group as her partner, and even more surprising that she had been his mistress. However, it was already a matter that had nothing to do with him.
Haedo Group, what a strange connection.
It was an odd feeling. He had spoken to Jeong Dawoon because he seemed strangely calm for his age, or perhaps resigned, and it turned out he was from the Haedo Group.
“Come to think of it, they do look a bit alike.”
Kim Min-seo. As the face of the only woman Choi Seon-gyeom had ever loved came to mind, he felt bitter. He thought that Jeong Dawoon’s aura strangely resembled hers.
Perhaps Jeong Hayun had a different mother.
That must be why. Why Jeong Hayun and Jeong Dawoon looked nothing alike. If Jeong Dawoon took after his mother, Kim Min-seo, then naturally he wouldn’t resemble Jeong Hayun.
How cruel can the connections between people be? Just when he thought he had become curious about someone, it turned out to be Kim Min-seo’s son.
The more he thought about it, the more he could only smile bitterly.
‘Haedo Group heir and wife die in car accident.’
His feelings were as turbulent now as when he had seen that article a few years ago. It was someone else’s business, people who had nothing to do with him, so why was he so concerned about Jeong Dawoon? Because he resembled Kim Min-seo? Because he was her son? No, it was from before that. Ever since he had seen Jeong Dawoon at his exhibition, he couldn’t stop his eyes from being strangely drawn to him.
