48.
#Because he’s Hayun hyung
Before he knew it, both his pants and shirt had fallen to the floor beneath the bed. Dawoon was now completely naked, his gaze fixed on the ceiling.
Everywhere Hayun’s hands touched, heat rose, driving him crazy. Below his waist, it was beyond tingling – he had lost all sensation. He couldn’t even remember how many times Hayun’s hands had led him to climax. Hayun’s lips repeatedly touched and left his cheeks, earlobes, nape, and further down between his collarbones. The sound of sucking flesh made his ears ring.
He couldn’t think of anything. No, he didn’t want to think.
Why? He couldn’t even answer that short question. The more he repeated the thought, the more it felt like his head would explode. He wondered if he had gone mad from his body’s uncontrollable reactions.
Is this normal? The more he asked himself, the worse his headache became. So he gave up thinking. As a result, his body was more easily led by the pleasure Hayun gave him.
“Ungh.”
The pressure of being firmly gripped below made his head dizzy again. Even though it felt like there was nothing left to release, the throbbing didn’t subside.
“Stop, please…”
He didn’t even know what he was saying. He pushed Hayun away with both hands, but there was no strength in them, making it a meaningless action.
Dawoon.
Hayun’s voice sounded distant, as if underwater. Between the whispering voice in his ear and the bursting sensation starting from below, he couldn’t regain his senses.
Despite clenching his molars tightly against the dizzying feeling that penetrated his brain, a moan escaped. Once again, it felt like blood was rushing downwards, followed by the sensation of something gushing out. He no longer had the energy to blame Hayun. His body went limp, and he closed his eyes, taking deep breaths.
What is this? What am I doing, really?
As the pleasure that had consumed his entire body faded, confusion washed over him. He didn’t know what face to make when he opened his eyes to look at Hayun. Not only did he lack the strength to move a finger, but a mix of embarrassment, shame, and all sorts of negative emotions made it impossible for him to move.
How long had he been like this? He felt something lukewarm touch between his thighs. Startled, he opened his eyes and raised his upper body to see Hayun wiping Dawoon’s lower parts with a wet towel.
“Don’t.”
He tried to raise his arm to push Hayun’s hand away, but with no strength, it just fell limply. Frowning at the state of his own body, Hayun gave a bitter smile and finished wiping his lower parts with the towel. Even the touch of the towel felt strange. Moreover, as it moved higher, he couldn’t just endure it quietly.
“I’ll do it myself.”
Forcibly putting strength into his body, he snatched the towel from Hayun’s hand. This time, Hayun backed off without resistance. Dawoon wiped his body with the towel without making eye contact with him and picked up his clothes from the floor to put them on.
Because he’s my hyung. Because we used to bathe together when we were young, there’s nothing to be ashamed of in showing a naked body. If you think of it as an extension of that, even this relief might be considered, well, understandable.
He desperately made excuses to convince himself.
It’s nothing. It’s no big deal. Just as he had learned many things from Hayun, this could be considered one of those things.
He bit his lip hard at the nonsensical excuse, even to himself. A stinging pain spread, but he didn’t release the bite.
“You’ll tear it if you keep that up.”
Hayun, who had been watching, reached out and pulled Dawoon’s lower lip from between his teeth. The lip that had turned white regained its redness as it was released. As if concerned, Hayun traced the bitten area with his thumb.
Slap. A dull sound was heard as Dawoon struck his hand away. Hayun, his hand pushed into the air, silently looked at Dawoon.
“Don’t touch me.”
Although Dawoon wasn’t looking at Hayun, his voice was clear.
“It doesn’t matter, does it?”
Hayun’s eyes narrowed, wondering what Dawoon meant.
“It has nothing to do with the relief.”
So he’s saying not to engage in other skinship? Hayun chuckled as he understood Dawoon’s meaning. The intention to draw a line, treating their act as mere satisfaction of urges, was clearly felt.
“That has nothing to do with it.”
Ignoring Dawoon’s words, he grabbed his chin and lifted it. Forcing him to look at himself, dissatisfied eyes met his.
“It’s just that I can’t bear to see your body getting hurt.”
“…”
The eyes staring at Hayun wavered slightly.
“No matter what anyone says, I’m still your hyung.”
He added with a gentle smile. Dawoon’s facial muscles twitched slightly at that smile, but Hayun pretended not to notice.
Dawoon, who had been staring at the floor with his mouth shut, took a deep breath, his chest heaving. His lips moved as if about to say something, but he seemed to swallow it back, his Adam’s apple bobbing noticeably.
“I want to go to sleep.”
Dawoon left with just those words and turned away.
“Dawoon.”
He called out before Dawoon could open the door and leave.
“Should I tell them to bring you some band-aids?”
He asked, pointing to his nape. Dawoon’s face contorted, glaring at Hayun before abruptly turning away. Bang! Only after the door closed loudly did Hayun cover his face with one hand. Kuk kuk, a strange sound escaped as he tried to hold back his laughter.
Although he was angry, in the end, he didn’t push him away completely. He’s confused, but he doesn’t say he absolutely hates it.
It was a better reaction than he had expected. To Jeong Dawoon, Jeong Hayun was someone he couldn’t discard. Even while thinking it was the worst, he couldn’t let go of the hand he was holding.
***
Returning to his own room, Dawoon immediately headed to the bathroom. Although Hayun had wiped him with a towel, he still felt uncomfortable. Only after repeatedly scrubbing his entire body with a shower puff and soap did he rinse off and leave the bathroom.
After drying himself with a towel, he stood in front of the mirror and frowned. There was a red mark on his neck reflected in the mirror. It was darker and more distinct than before. This time, it looked unmistakably like a kiss mark to anyone who might see it.
He covered the spot with one hand and sighed.
‘This is for bug repellent.’
Hayun had whispered in a barely audible voice as he repeatedly sucked on the same spot, leaving a mark. At the time, he was too flustered and heated to hear properly, but as he recalled the memory, he became more certain.
Bug repellent? What does that even mean?
A sullen feeling arose, quickly turning into an indescribably complex emotion. He was beginning to understand more and more what Hayun wanted.
Because he’s an adult now. Because he thinks he could get into trouble outside anytime.
With that premise, the answer became clear.
‘We can’t have you accidentally getting someone pregnant.’
‘I’ll set you up with women. Women who won’t cause any trouble.’
‘You’re no different.’
‘Sadly, men are weak to stimulation.’
Adding up all the things he had said, Dawoon could understand what he was worried about. Even so…
‘I’m better than strangers.’
Is it normal for someone to offer to be that partner to prevent their younger sibling from accidentally making a child somewhere? He stared blankly at the mirror before letting out a hollow laugh.
Well. What was normal in this household anyway? His very existence was wrong from the start. To others, Hayun’s special treatment of him would only seem ridiculous.
Maybe this is better than getting into trouble somewhere else. It’s not wrong to say that Hayun is better than satisfying urges with some unknown woman.
He felt that even thinking like this wasn’t normal. Above all, he had never felt the desire to engage in such acts with anyone, which made this situation even more incomprehensible.
But because Hayun was worried. Because he didn’t want even the slightest possibility…
He closed his eyes and took a long breath. If he thought of it as nothing, then it was nothing. It wasn’t much different from masturbating.
He didn’t know how long Hayun intended to be his partner. Would it stop when he got used to it, when he could handle it on his own without Hayun’s help?
His mind was in chaos. The more he tried to forcibly rationalize it to himself, the more chaotic it seemed to become.
In the end, he had no choice but to stop thinking. There was no point in dwelling on something that had no answer. Dawoon had realized this when he was sixteen, when his parents passed away.
‘Was it… a woman?’
If he had answered no to his mother’s question, if he had said he hadn’t seen clearly, would his parents’ accident not have happened? He asked himself dozens, hundreds of times, but the answer was unknowable. In the meantime, his heart only died a little more.
When he was too tormented and struggling with guilt, it was Hayun who took Dawoon’s hand and pulled him out of the narrow, damp darkness. Hayun had always been special to Dawoon, even when his parents were alive, but after their deaths, he became even more extraordinary.
It’s okay. Because it’s Hayun hyung.
The whirlpool of numerous emotions gradually subsided with that one thought. No matter what happens, Hayun won’t hurt him. He could allow Hayun anything. So… it’s okay. Even if it’s a little strange. Even if it’s different from others. Even if he can’t tell anyone about it.
For the reason that it was Hayun, he could bury it within himself.
