34.
It was a pathetic situation. Just uttering the words “why did you do it” made his throat close up completely.
Meanwhile, as Ryu Ho-yeon, with reddened eyes and a trembling chin, forced open his constricted throat to barely spit out a single phrase, the Research Director merely responded:
“Ah.”
Just an “ah” in a flat tone. As if facing a child begging for pocket money, she wore a slight smile mixed with a hint of inconvenience.
The lightness in that exclamation was so refreshing that Ryu Ho-yeon almost burst out shouting, despite knowing he had neither the qualification to resent her nor the right to condemn her. Perhaps from clenching too long, his fisted hand had now gone numb.
“Did you meet Dr. An? Strange, I carefully arranged things to make sure your paths wouldn’t cross with my son’s. I wonder what happened.”
As if finally sensing the conversation would be lengthy, the Research Director removed her reading glasses from the tip of her nose and embraced her son’s shoulders in a completely casual and natural manner. It was a familiar warmth and kindness. The feeling that had always let him breathe and made him strong.
“Mom. That’s not… that’s not what’s important right now…”
But today, somehow, that feeling was terrifying.
Ryu Ho-yeon slumped down onto the sofa prepared for guests, guided by the Research Director’s hand, and muttered as if sighing.
“Well, I suppose that’s true. It seems you’ve already met him, and we can’t undo what’s already happened. So, how much did you hear? That man’s mouth is too loose.”
Unbelievably, there was still not a trace of crisis on the Research Director’s face.
The middle-aged woman with curly permed hair and a friendly wrinkled expression repeatedly stroked her son’s cheek with the back of her hand, as if lamenting that he seemed to have lost weight since she’d last seen him. Then she clicked her tongue.
“You’ve lost too much weight. Aren’t you pushing yourself too hard? Hoyeon, why don’t you stop participating in S-class missions? No, when we already have Team Leader Kim, why does my son have to—”
“Mom!!”
He couldn’t bear it any longer. He knew exactly who had directly thrown Kim Jun-young as a sacrificial lamb in place of himself. He felt suffocated by his mother’s innocent yet exclusive affection that even now was trying to shift all burdens onto Kim Jun-young.
“Please don’t, please, don’t say that, okay? Please don’t say such things… If you do, I, ah, what am I supposed to do? I’m sorry, how am I supposed to face Jun-young hyung…?”
“Tsk, my son is just too kind and soft-hearted for his own good. Too soft. Even when Han-seo left saying he wouldn’t do guiding anymore, you just let him go. You had priority for pair matching back then. If you had just insisted, they couldn’t have become a pair so easily regardless of the matching rate, Park Team Leader and Han-seo.”
The seemingly ordinary, warm-hearted middle-aged woman casually spewed words that made Ryu Ho-yeon terrified. With each word she uttered, red gashes were drawn across his chest.
He didn’t care what others said about her—that she lacked humanity, or that she was so heartless her corpse wouldn’t decompose after death. The reason she had lived so ruthlessly was all because of him.
But wasn’t this going too far? How could a person…?
Suddenly remembering, Ryu Ho-yeon shook his head violently to clear the thought that had emerged. He couldn’t attack her with the same expressions others used to criticize his mother mercilessly. Ryu Ho-yeon truly felt his head spinning. It had all started because Choi Jae-won seemed strange and he was worried something had happened, but the past events bursting forth like a dam breaking during monsoon season swept and clawed through his entire body without mercy.
He had tried to give meaning to it all, wrapping up his terrible self in nice packaging, but now everything was torn to shreds—not a single layer of wrapping left, not even the fancy ribbon on top. Ryu Ho-yeon truly hated himself too much. He was tired of even denying it now.
But the current sweeping him away wasn’t over yet.
“Anyway, it was fortunate. If Jae-won hadn’t contacted me asking how he could help guide you, I would have been in quite a predicament.”
“What…?”
“Alright, alright. Mom was really wrong. I’ll apologize to Team Leader Kim. I was desperate back then. You need to understand that too. And honestly, even if Team Leader Kim sustained physical damage, he’d recover quickly, so what does it matter? It’s because he’s Team Leader Kim that he managed to endure and survive until now. If it had been you, a special type, you probably would have died from shock right away.”
The Research Director, hastily assuming from her son’s fastidious reaction that he had heard everything from Dr. An, continued speaking.
“But it’s unfair to blame me for Jae-won too! When Jae-won approached first saying he had to be your Guide even if it killed him, how could I refuse? Wouldn’t you grasp at any straw? When we started, even I didn’t expect Jae-won would endure for 5 years and desperately raise the matching rate.”
Though he might not have been as naturally gifted as his mother, who was renowned as a born genius, Ryu Ho-yeon had inherited half her genes and was sharp enough to easily infer not just what was being said, but also what was between the lines.
Although Ryu Ho-yeon had only become aware of Choi Jae-won’s existence in the past year, when had that foolish Guide first met him and made such a stubborn resolution? For someone who couldn’t even love himself and didn’t dare to properly love another person, it was truly an unimaginable feat.
“You were getting older year by year, Han-seo was taken by another Esper, and no suitable Guide was appearing. You know the life expectancy of natural borns who don’t find their Guide, right? Thirty at most, thirty!”
“Natural born” was the term used to refer to those like Ryu Ho-yeon who were identified as ability users from the fetal stage. The life expectancy of thirty mentioned by the Research Director was only for those lucky enough to survive under strict management—most typically died around the age of twenty.
In fact, when Ryu Ho-yeon turned twenty-five, he had felt particularly lighthearted. That was before Choi Jae-won unexpectedly appeared in his life as his pair Guide. It was because he could feel, more distinctly each day, that the various parts of his body, screaming in pain, could no longer endure with just substitute agents or inadequate guiding that didn’t match his constitution.
Though he lacked the courage to die by his own will, he had enough fortitude to accept reaching the end of his lifespan unavoidably.
He thought that after his death, the burden on his mother’s shoulders would be lessened somewhat. The friend to whom he had only been a burden and pain throughout childhood could be overwhelmingly happy with the lover by his side.
When he imagined such things, even the familiar pain constricting his body and the fatigue of his failing organs became somewhat bearable.
But in reality, unbeknownst to Ryu Ho-yeon… his Guide had already been preparing for him. Fiercely. Painfully.
He recalled Choi Jae-won from a year ago, greeting him with “I look forward to working with you,” his cheeks thoroughly flushed with ecstatic excitement. Unknowingly, Ryu Ho-yeon was adding another person’s original sin to his shoulders. It was an overwhelming weight of guilt that felt like it would crush him if he let his guard down even slightly.
Dr. An was quite a famous figure among the research staff in many ways, so even after his dishonorable retirement, news of his whereabouts and activities often circulated. Whenever Ryu Ho-yeon heard updates, they were always extravagant—his annual salary was several hundred million won, or he was receiving what percentage of incentives for successful development. Surely Choi Jae-won must have paid him a hefty sum as well. While offering his own body as raw material for experiments.
He didn’t know what to feel. His insides seemed to be turning upside down. When he felt grateful, he also felt resentful; when he felt resentful, he felt too sorry to dare feel that way. In this moment, he became the most heinous sinner in the world. At least from his perspective. His crimes were more severe than any vicious criminal’s. Because of him alone, how many lives had been held back?
If only he had never been born… his mother would have completed her studies at the overseas research institute she had aspired to and continued her career, and Lee Han-seo wouldn’t have had to bear years of suffering that wasn’t in his destiny while holding the title of Asia’s first and only S-class Guide.
The same was true for Kim Jun-young. If the unofficial S-class Esper Ryu Ho-yeon hadn’t existed, no one would have dared use the country’s only S-class Esper for illegal experiments. And if Kim Jun-young hadn’t had those wounds and trauma, he and Lee Jung-hyuk might not have taken such a long, roundabout way to confirm their feelings. Ryu Ho-yeon knew all too well how greatly and for how long his two dear and respected hyungs had suffered emotionally over more than ten years. Even that seemed to be his fault.
And Choi Jae-won.
“Just…”
When he thought of Choi Jae-won, just…
“You should have just let someone like me die, Mom…”
His heart ached helplessly.
