Click, click. The small sound of mouse clicking continued slowly. I sat on a round leather chair without a backrest, facing a mother-of-pearl nameplate with rank and name engraved in Gungsuh font.
It seems like I should have gotten used to it by now, but the still-unblunted smell of disinfectant stung my nose every time.
“Hmm. You’ve improved a lot. When you come next week, we can remove the cast.”
“Ah, yes. Thank you.”
“From then on, you can start walking a little bit.”
“Yes, I will.”
“But don’t overdo it all at once. Increase gradually.”
The attending physician recited the medical instructions like an emotionless robot while simultaneously typing the same words into the monitor. Of course, I was no different from a machine as I nodded to his words, as if adding my own responses.
“You’ll need to start adapting soon.”
“…Ah. Adapting, yes.”
As I left the examination room after our final exchange about seeing each other next week, idle thoughts surrounded me as if they had been waiting, drawing a line with reality like a sharp ringing in my ears and pulling me out. The hospital lobby, where unclear noise hummed from all directions, was a perfect place to fall into idle thoughts.
The casts wrapping one leg and one arm were the result of a diagnosis requiring six weeks of treatment. A period of just over a month had made me accustomed to discomfort in even the most trivial things.
So while I knew the doctor’s words meant I needed to adapt to walking again with a fully functioning leg, they also sounded like I needed to readapt to the life where I was left alone again.
To me, he was like that accident. Like an injury sustained from a sudden accident. Unpredictable, sticking around for quite a long time, then disappearing at some point, leaving only traces.
“Song Jae-yun! Your payment has been processed!”
“Ah, oh, s-sorry. I was thinking about something else…”
Only then did my mind, which had dissolved like tissue dropped in a basin full of water, suddenly become clear. I quickly took the card that must have been extended at least a couple of times and bowed my head slightly.
Lately, I’ve had more periods of staring blankly at empty space without focus. All because of unnecessary thoughts.
Despite it being what I had so desperately wanted, I wasn’t fully enjoying the relieved freedom. Something felt awkward, and I was concerned. Maybe it was because of the physical discomfort gripping my leg and surrounding my hand. Yes, once this is gone, I’ll be okay then.
Leaving the hospital, I pulled up the lush beige scarf wrapped tightly around my neck a little higher. Warm breath escaped between my lips buried in the fluffy scarf.
It was winter.
* * *
I thought I had won in the end. Because the ending went according to my wishes. At first, it felt exhilarating, but gradually my feelings became complicated, and now it was actually bothering me. It was strange.
A long time leaves behind habits. Like seashells embedded in the sand after the tide has receded.
Things like having to resist the urge to reach for my phone without realizing it when putting my transit card back in my wallet after tapping out, or having to stiffen my neck to avoid looking up at the window showing the dark stairway when approaching the common entrance while walking aimlessly.
Beep beep beep beep beep.
After entering the password on the door lock keypad, it took a little longer than before to apply force to the hand gripping the doorknob and push it down, and during that time, my heart had to beat a little faster.
Of course, the tense constriction of my body quickly subsided, because what was waiting for me was always the same cool, empty house.
I placed the plastic bag that had been dangling from my wrist the entire way home on the dining table. Although I had hurried to get back quickly, the warmth had cooled a bit due to the already quite bitter winter wind.
Everything was the same.
Except for the disappearance of several months as if they had evaporated somewhere, I had safely returned to my original life. In other words, I had returned to the past where I lived in a house with no one to ring the doorbell or enter the unchanged door lock password.
Though I did repeat inexplicable expectations, incomprehensible deflation, and rationalizations I wanted to ignore. But it was all meaningless anyway.
‘You must take the prescribed medication regularly for the bone to heal quickly.’
‘Yeees.’
‘Make sure to take it after meals. If you take it on an empty stomach, it will damage your stomach lining. Understood?’
Because the medication was emphasized several times as something not to be taken on an empty stomach, I had to consistently make sure to eat meals during that time, but now that the cast was removed, it was quite comfortable not having to pay special attention to it anymore.
So Wednesday’s lunch and dinner was curry. In exchange for reducing the financial burden, the size of the lunchbox was slightly smaller than a palm with all fingers together. Since I wasn’t eating because I was hungry, it was quite a good choice in the current situation.
After the brief mealtime, while washing the utensils and cup, I also rinsed the empty container lightly and placed it upside down to let the water dry.
As I was about to put the dripping pair of utensils into the utensil holder next to the dish drying rack, I noticed a dry pair of utensils already inserted there. And a dry cup next to the wet cup I had turned upside down.
I didn’t usually keep extra utensils and cups besides my own. I hadn’t felt any inconvenience because I had no reason to invite anyone. That’s how it had been until the beginning of this year.
So it was natural that I became newly conscious of the dining table that separated the kitchen and living room, which appeared as one space but which I hadn’t recognized until just before having my meal.
All those memories suddenly reminded me of one person. The memories, still fresh no matter how thickly I had tried to cover them, seemed like they would stick to my hands if I just touched them lightly.
Every time I discovered or newly recognized traces not left by me throughout the house, it felt like I had swallowed a heavy piece of metal. When he, who had permeated even my trivial daily life, suddenly pushed deep inside, it felt like a fist-sized stuffiness completely blocked my thin airway.
“…No. I’m fine.”
I closed my ears, shut my eyes, and ruminated internally. It was all nothing, it was nothing at all. I had to be okay. In many ways, thinking about it, this was right. Realistically, there was no way for me to change the house with the lease period still remaining. If something had to change, it was right that I should change. So I was not affected at all.
At that moment, what pushed me out of the wave of urgent thoughts was the sound of my phone ringing. Thanks to the unexpected call, the chain of thoughts was broken.
My mind was uneasy, so the loud ringtone began to sound like a siren. Though I hadn’t committed any crime, my hands trembled as I searched between the sofa cushions following the sound.
“Hello, Aunt.”
―Hi, Jae-yun. Have you been well?
“Yes, I’m doing well.”
…Ah. Fortunately, what was flashing on the screen was my aunt’s phone number.
―Well, I was wondering if you have any plans for the end of the year? If your schedule is okay, how about coming over to our house for dinner?
Perhaps because both my house and my aunt’s house on the other end of the phone were quiet, even small noises could be heard between my aunt’s words. Mom, Mom. Please tell him to come, please. I wasn’t unaware of the feelings of the two people who were carefully asking while pretending it was nothing, trying not to burden me.
But I didn’t have the capacity to fulfill their expectations.
“…Ah, I’m sorry, Aunt. I spilled something. Um, I’m going to Sokcho at the end of the year, so it’s a bit difficu…”
―Ah, right. That’s right, of course. I forgot. Yes, alright. I understand.
Every year-end, I always went to see my mom and dad. Because I absolutely didn’t have the confidence to visit the columbarium alone on the anniversary, nor was I in the condition to do so.
‘When you’re sick but pretend not to be, your fever rises even more.’
I smiled slightly, trying hard to ignore the voice that crossed my mind.
“I’m sorry. I’ll visit in the new year.”
―No, don’t feel too burdened. Alright, take care. Happy New Year in advance.
“Yes, happy New Year to you too, Aunt.”
Of course, my aunt probably neither didn’t know this fact nor would she have forgotten, but it must have been for my sake. To try to get me out of this place where I was somewhat trapped.
Due to the gradually spreading guilt, I held onto the phone for a long time even after the call ended. The real reason I declined my aunt’s offer wasn’t because of that. I just didn’t want to see anyone, and I didn’t have the energy to do so. I laughed at my own contradiction. At myself, who wanted to escape but was still trapped.
Before putting down the phone, a message alert sounded.
[Jae-yun, have you thought about the teaching assistant position? You were on the call so I’m leaving a KakaoTalk message. Please contact me when you see this.]
Recently, the department office had urgently looked for a teaching assistant and contacted Jung-su. Even though I had immediately declined then, this was already the third contact, including today’s message.
I wondered why he was being so persistent when he usually wasn’t like that, but I had no intention of accepting, so I sent a rejection message and flipped my phone over. Sorry. But I really don’t have the capacity right now, Jung-su…
“Ah, right. The photo.”
I immediately went into the bedroom and took out the heavy album I had kept under the closet. Changing the photo in the small frame placed between mom and dad every year was my personal New Year’s greeting.
There wasn’t a specific criterion for selecting the photo. It just had to be the one that touched my heart the most that day.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
