#69
Clear answers came out in order from Yoo Do-jin hyung, Choi Hyun-oh, and then Yoo Do-jin hyung again. I lowered my plastic spoon weakly. I remembered them once talking about people who give their all only to be discarded.
For me, instead of liver and gallbladder, would it be heart and body? But the rose-colored filter that made things look good for me made me want to deny what they were saying.
“He’s not… using me. He’s kind…”
“Hey, Cheongmyeong. What kind of kind person only goes as far as physical intimacy and then stops?”
Yoo Do-jin hyung, perhaps because he was Choi Hyun-oh’s friend, said something similar. Memories of times with Saheon hyung flashed through my mind like a kaleidoscope. I briefly wondered seriously if this was how others saw my relationship with Saheon hyung.
Choi Hyun-oh shook his head and sighed softly. Yoo Do-jin hyung, forgetting about his food, showed great interest in my unrequited love.
“What else does he say? Let’s hear what he says.”
“Um… He treats me well.”
“How does he treat you well?”
I completely put down the plastic spoon I had been holding weakly on my lunchbox. Objectively and subjectively, Saheon hyung had treated me well. But when I tried to express it in words, I started to stutter as if buffering.
“He’s affectionate… and kind…”
The memories of Saheon hyung I had seen so far remained intact in my mind. A man as sweet as candy, fluffy, ticklish, and smile-inducing just by thinking about him.
However, when I tried to put it into language, I couldn’t grasp how to express it. Interpreting my silence somehow, Yoo Do-jin hyung passionately spoke.
“There are people like that. People who know you like them and use you for all they can. Holding hands, kissing, hugging, asking for things, saying they want to eat something, asking to meet for dates…”
Yoo Do-jin hyung slammed the table again. Maybe because he hit it harder than before, my chicken mayo lunchbox shifted a bit. I pushed the paper lunchbox safely inward while mumbling.
“Still…”
“And you know what they say? ‘We’re more than friends but less than lovers.’ What kind of bullshit is that?”
I found myself unwittingly mesmerized by Yoo Do-jin hyung’s words, who seemed well-versed in relationships. More than friends but less than lovers. Although Saheon hyung and I weren’t friends, if we replaced it with ‘more than an acquainted younger brother but less than a lover,’ it could define our current relationship.
It felt like a painful tooth that had been aching for a long time had finally been pulled out. My hand covered my slightly open mouth, then realizing my action, I clenched my fist and lowered it to my knee. I quietly folded my hands and listened attentively to Yoo Do-jin hyung.
“There’s no shittier phrase than ‘more than friends but less than lovers.’ What the hell is that? It’s saying we’ll do everything like lovers but we won’t date. That’s what it means.”
I almost nodded unconsciously at the solution coming from the senior’s aura. In my school days, even if I said I liked someone, saying ‘they’re older,’ ‘they’re a college student,’ ‘they went abroad to study’ only got encouraging responses, so this relationship advice, almost a first for me, felt like it was scratching an itchy spot satisfyingly.
“There are people like that. People who smoke in front of kindergartens but put their cigarette butts in portable ashtrays.”
Yoo Do-jin hyung agreed with Choi Hyun-oh’s words. With Saheon hyung suddenly becoming a considerate piece of trash, I fumbled for words.
“He’s not trash…”
“So you haven’t confessed since becoming an adult. Then.”
I slowly rolled my eyes around, then nodded. Choi Hyun-oh spoke in a coaxing voice.
“I told you before to confess when the mood was right, didn’t I?”
“…Did you?”
“When we drank beer at my place at the beginning of the semester.”
Hearing Choi Hyun-oh’s words, I remembered the advice to have sex after drinking. I pressed my lips inward, futilely trying to hide my reddening cheeks. Yoo Do-jin hyung sighed deeply and interjected in a resigned voice.
“Ah, well. If you like her that much, just confess one more time rather than this. I want to tell you to dump such a woman… but if it works out… well, that’s good.”
Clicking his tongue, Yoo Do-jin hyung crumpled up his now-empty lunchbox and stood up.
“I have to go to class. You guys only have morning classes, right? I’m leaving first.”
“Oh, go ahead.”
“Cheongmyeong, and in my opinion, that woman doesn’t seem like a very good person. Think about it a bit.”
Yoo Do-jin hyung snatched Choi Hyun-oh’s water and drank it in one go. Choi Hyun-oh gritted his teeth and shouted.
“You bastard! Why are you drinking someone else’s water without permission!”
Choi Hyun-oh raised his fist threateningly. Yoo Do-jin hyung grabbed his bag, waved, and quickly left the lunchbox restaurant. I looked at my chicken mayo lunchbox, which was about half finished. Unlike me, Choi Hyun-oh had cleaned his plate. I put my hand on my black bag and opened my mouth.
“Let’s go too.”
“Why? Eat the rest.”
“No, it’s okay.”
As I started putting the trash into the lunchbox container as if cleaning up, Choi Hyun-oh also got up. After cleaning up where we ate, Choi Hyun-oh and I naturally headed towards the bus stop.
Perhaps because it was an awkward time after the lunch hour, the bus stop was quiet. The digital display showed we had to wait 3 minutes.
A slightly warm breeze slipped between Choi Hyun-oh and me. It was because the weather had warmed up a lot as April approached. Now, more people on the street were wearing coats rather than padded jackets.
“Don’t worry too much about what Yoo Do-jin said.”
Choi Hyun-oh’s words suddenly interjected. I turned my head to look at him. Choi Hyun-oh was fixing his gaze meaninglessly on a drain in the road in front of the bus stop.
“Just… if the mood seems right, confess naturally. Naturally. Who these days makes grand confessions with candles and roses?”
It was a topic that had continued from the lunch table. Choi Hyun-oh stuck both hands deep into his jacket pockets and continued.
“Since it’s someone you’ve liked for so long, just do it coolly once. If you get rejected again, then that person is really a bad piece of trash, so forget them. And find a new love. Someone who cherishes you.”
I looked at Choi Hyun-oh with my mouth slightly open. Choi Hyun-oh glanced at me sideways and pulled up the corners of his mouth.
Just as I was thinking that Choi Hyun-oh seemed a bit different from usual, the bus arrived. But as if to prove it was just my imagination, Choi Hyun-oh sitting in his seat was the same as always. The way home was filled with trivial chatter, but rather than Choi Hyun-oh, it was me who seemed different from usual.
I couldn’t remember what I had talked about with Choi Hyun-oh. I was just preoccupied with one thought.
Thanks to taking an express bus, it was a short 15-minute ride to our destination. It was pure coincidence that I noticed the sign with an airplane mark in front of the bus stop. Although quite some time had passed since I started living with hyung, it was a sign I had overlooked due to lack of interest.
I looked up at the sign for a moment. Seeing the blue airplane drawn on the white background naturally reminded me of Saheon hyung.
What time did hyung say he’d be back today? I had to think back to what hyung had said when I was too distracted from being kissed and sucked. I remembered hyung saying his flight would arrive at five, so he’d be home around seven.
I took out my phone to check the time. 2:36 PM. I watched my phone until the last digit of the time changed to 7, then suddenly lifted my head and looked at our house visible in the distance.
Suddenly, an irresistible impulse stirred in my chest. After taking a few steps backward, I turned my body and started walking quickly.
My feet climbing the familiar hill path got faster and faster. Eventually, I was almost running. Passing the familiar parking lot, opening the familiar front door, and entering the familiar house. I went into my room like someone who knew exactly what to do.
The first thing I did was take out my favorite clothes that had been sleeping in the closet. Although it was just black jeans and a black sweatshirt, they were my favorite clothes. After grabbing underwear from the dresser drawer, I headed to the bathroom and started washing up quickly.
After washing thoroughly, I dressed in the clothes I thought suited me best. Then I went to Saheon hyung’s room and borrowed his vanity.
I dried my hair until it was fluffy, applied a little lotion, and even stole some of Saheon hyung’s perfume that smelled mature. As I smelled hyung’s familiar scent, my heart started beating fast. After spraying perfume on the inside of my wrist and slowly dabbing it on my neckline, I looked at my stiff face in the mirror.
‘A not-grand confession’. What I was seized by a kind of intuition about was not the confession, but the ‘not-grand’ part.
Until now, I had been trying to find evidence that I wouldn’t be rejected if I confessed to hyung, but due to my subjective feelings, I couldn’t be certain even with several pieces of evidence in my hands.
But if I couldn’t be certain, shouldn’t I ask about the certainty before confessing?
Not ‘I like you,’ but how hyung sees me, what he thinks of me, what he wants to do with me.
Only after ending my long-standing anxiety could it lead to a confession. It was a simple but long-winded solution. I checked my dry throat and examined myself in the mirror. In the mirror, I saw a man with sunken, hollow eyes.
After firmly pressing my lips together, I checked the time. Although I had hurried, it was already 3:30 PM.
Since Saheon hyung usually left his car key on top of the vanity, I grabbed the black key that was still there. When I clenched my fist around it, I felt the sharp metal sensation.
Like a kind of intuition, sometimes people can be filled with strong certainty.
After staring at myself in the mirror for a long time, I slowly got up. What should I do? If, perhaps, really if hyung, if, if…
Just thinking about it made me breathless. Thanks to that, as I was slowly taking deep breaths and moving my feet slowly, I looked at the table next to hyung’s bed. Things like condoms and sticky insertion gel that would be in the table drawer naturally came to mind.
If hyung gives a positive answer… Hyung would probably…
“…Should I… apply it inside before going?”
