#128
“When do your exams end?”
He asked, seemingly displeased, as I sat at the living room table checking my assignments and exam material. Ha-min was more focused on his exams than usual. He had to be, as he needed to make up for some missed classes with grades and assignments. While he couldn’t aim for the top of his department, he needed grades good enough to qualify for a scholarship.
Knowing Ha-min’s situation, Tae-rim had promised not to disturb him until the exams were over. It was his suggestion and consideration, knowing that Ha-min was pulling all-nighters at school and working hard at home. But it seemed difficult for him, as he had asked the same question several times.
“…I told you yesterday too.”
Ha-min said, trying to suppress a smile. Every time he asked this question, it felt like Tae-rim was throwing a tantrum.
“Time is moving so slowly.”
He muttered in a voice that seemed genuinely frustrated.
“…Sorry.”
It seemed quite difficult for him not to bother Ha-min, as he occasionally let out groans. Each time, Ha-min felt a little sorry.
“I should be the one apologizing for only thinking about bothering you when I know you’re struggling.”
He calmly retorted, flopping down on the sofa behind Ha-min. But he wasn’t the only one busy. He had been going to the company several times before, but recently the frequency of his commutes had increased. When Ha-min was wrestling with assignments late into the night, Tae-rim too would often be working late in his study.
Seeing this, Ha-min realized that Tae-rim had his own life too. When going to the company, he would dress in formal suits, and seeing him like that always gave Ha-min a sense of disconnect. It made him realize that Tae-rim was indeed from a high-class family. Whenever he felt this, a thought would suddenly occur to him.
Was it really okay for Tae-rim not to return to America?
Although Tae-rim was Korean, he was also American. He had spent more days in America than in Korea. He might feel more comfortable and stable living in America. Moreover, Ha-min vaguely knew that Tae-rim’s friendships and work were deeply connected there.
When Tae-rim had actually said he was returning to America, Ha-min had felt betrayed and disliked it, as if blinded, but that was just his selfish choice. Knowing that Tae-rim’s true life and lifestyle were there, not here, such thoughts had been suddenly occurring to him lately.
Was he making Tae-rim abandon his original life because of his own desires?
“I’m going to America next week.”
At Tae-rim’s sudden announcement, Ha-min turned his head in surprise. Seeing Ha-min’s wide-eyed stare, Tae-rim let out a deflated laugh, seemingly finding Ha-min’s surprised look a bit funny. But conversely, Ha-min spoke haltingly, clearly flustered.
“So… suddenly?”
“Actually, I was planning to go after your exams were over.”
“…”
“Since it’s come to this, I thought it might be good to go quickly.”
Even though Tae-rim wasn’t leaving for good, Ha-min’s heart was racing. A sudden anxiety arose. What if he doesn’t come back after going? What if he can’t give up his life there once he returns and doesn’t come back…? Ridiculous imaginations and foolish worries flooded in.
“I’ll come back by the day your exams end.”
“…”
“As quickly as possible.”
Tae-rim reassured Ha-min as if he had noticed his worries. Even though Ha-min knew about Tae-rim’s trip to America, it was hard to calm his startled heart. He felt like complaining about why Tae-rim was going so quickly, but he held back, thinking it wasn’t the right thing to say to someone who promised to return as soon as possible.
“…Okay.”
Ha-min nodded, answering compliantly. Yes, all he could do was trust and wait for him. Even though he knew there was no need to be anxious anymore, he was still too immature to shake off all his worries.
“Are you okay?”
“Huh?”
Tae-rim, who had been sitting behind Ha-min, suddenly asked as he sat down next to him. Ha-min just blinked, not knowing what Tae-rim meant by asking if he was okay, as Tae-rim stared at him intently with his chin resting on his hand.
“We won’t see each other for about a week.”
“…”
“You’re not bothered at all?”
He asked again, seeming a bit disappointed by Ha-min’s lack of reaction. It was like a childish question checking for affection. Ha-min shook his head, unconsciously letting out a laugh.
“…No.”
“…”
“…I’m not okay.”
He wasn’t okay at all. Aside from not being able to see Tae-rim for a few days, Ha-min was troubled by more vague worries. Even if Tae-rim couldn’t come back, there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn’t hold Tae-rim back for such reasons, but still, he felt too greedy for wanting Tae-rim to definitely come back.
In a way, it might be blocking Tae-rim’s future, but he was hoping for Tae-rim to stay here solely for his sake. It was always like this. When with Tae-rim, Ha-min felt like he became a greedy Scrooge.
“Me too.”
Tae-rim’s quiet response didn’t sound good either.
“More than I thought…”
“…”
“Really.”
“…”
“It’s not okay.”
Tae-rim’s gaze, which had been a bit playful, gradually sank. Although he had said he would go for a short trip, his expression wasn’t good, as if even he wasn’t feeling good about bringing it up. But knowing it was unavoidable, Ha-min carefully opened his mouth.
“Is one week really enough…?”
Perhaps sensing the slight tremor in Ha-min’s voice, Tae-rim gently caressed Ha-min’s face, still resting his chin on his hand.
As always, he smiled and comforted Ha-min as usual, kissing the back of Ha-min’s hand.
“I’ll be back soon.”
Looking into Tae-rim’s unwavering eyes, Ha-min nodded, trying hard to erase his lingering worries. Knowing that this wasn’t like the partings of the past, he too shouldn’t waver.
**
Ironically, time passed very quickly. Before he knew it, the exams had started, and on the day they began, Tae-rim left for America. That day, Ha-min had wanted to see Tae-rim off at the airport, but Tae-rim had adamantly refused, saying it would interfere with Ha-min’s exams. Ha-min still regretted not going. He should have at least seen him off and watched him leave… Who knew he would miss him this much?
He had expected to miss him, but as always, everything related to Tae-rim flowed beyond Ha-min’s expectations. How long had they lived together? Already, the house without Tae-rim felt too empty. When eating breakfast alone, when falling asleep alone in bed, he felt lonely, constantly looking for traces of Tae-rim. It was just a matter of getting through two weeks, but Ha-min felt pathetic for being so weak over just a few days.
That wasn’t the only problem. Tae-rim’s schedule, which was supposed to be just a week, kept getting delayed. His exams had long since ended. One week became two weeks, and two weeks were turning into three. Every time Tae-rim apologized for postponing his schedule, Ha-min said it was okay and acted nonchalant, but in reality, it wasn’t okay at all. The reason was simple. He missed him too much.
They occasionally had video calls, but seeing someone through a device and seeing them in person were worlds apart. He hadn’t realized how lonely it could feel not being able to touch, not feeling their warmth. Setting aside anxiety and worry, what was truly tormenting him now was longing. Wanting to see, touch, and hug – that kind of longing. These were emotions he had never felt before experiencing Tae-rim.
Moreover, with the time difference, frequent communication wasn’t easy. But they made sure to call at least twice a day. They exchanged messages whenever possible, but calls were necessary to fill what messages couldn’t.
“Have you been regularly visiting my studio lately?”
With no other way to cope, Ha-min often sought out Tae-in, feeling lonely. Tae-in had been living in his studio since the end of the semester, and knowing this, Ha-min would visit Tae-in to vent when he felt empty. Tae-in was the most comfortable person to talk to about these things.
“Is it annoying?”
Ha-min asked pitifully. Tae-in, finding his friend’s appearance quite amusing after sending his lover far away, shook his head.
“Then, if you have nothing to do, want to do another broadcast with me?”
Tae-in asked, his eyes lighting up, to Ha-min who had become freer without classes. Ha-min shook his head with a gloomy face.
“No… sorry. I think hyung doesn’t like it very much.”
“What? Why?”
“…Well.”
After Tae-in’s birthday party, Tae-rim had honestly confessed. He had warned not to take media exposure lightly, and it seemed he wasn’t very welcoming of Ha-min appearing on Tae-in’s broadcasts.
“Hey, are you going to avoid everything your hyung doesn’t like?”
Tae-in grumbled, but Ha-min avoided answering, blinking his innocent-looking eyes.
“Look at this lovesick fool.”
Tae-in muttered disappointedly, clicking away with his wireless mouse, focusing on video editing. He said he did 80 percent of the editing for the videos he shot himself, leaving the final touches to professionals.
“So, when did hyung say he’s coming back?”
Tae-in asked, full of complaints. Still, it seemed even Tae-in was curious about when his own brother would return.
“When we talked yesterday, he said he’d be back within next week.”
“Delayed again?”
“…Yeah.”
“So, you keep coming here to work because you’re lonely?”
Ha-min closed his mouth, having no response to Tae-in’s accurate assessment.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
